Coming Home

"Are you sure you want to leave so soon James? It would probably be best to stay-"

"No...no. I just need to leave...some fresh air... before... the funeral..."

James was sitting in the headmaster's office. It had been five days since the attack, and since then James had spent most of his time cooped up in the hospital wing. As a result, Sirius and Remus had offered him a place to stay outside of Hogwarts; but of course, with the conditions that they surround the place with protective wards. James was thankful for their offer, because personally (besides just wanting to escape) he thought he was going crazy the longer he stayed inside. James seemed to do a lot of sleepwalking lately in his recent nightmares, and regardless of the amount of spells and potions they used to try and calm him down, his friends were forced to watch over him as he slept. And it seemed to be getting worse as the nights progressed, for just last night Sirius had caught James before he grabbed his wand and cursed them all in his nightly terrors.

"Very well then." Dumbledore seemed to understand James's situation and sighed, "I shall make the arrangements for you to stay elsewhere. However..."

James held his breath in anticipation,

"However... you need to be cautious James. Even though Voldemort's followers have been gradually disbanding, it is not unlikely that some will want to take revenge. Therefore, we must protect both Harry and yourself alike, and make sure to not overstep the boundaries I will be placing over the home. I shall also take-"

"I know Albus, I'm not a student anymore. You don't need to remind me...I wouldn't let anything happen to Harry... again..."

"And yourself James?" Dumbledore spoke softly yet sternly over his clasped hands, "Do not be rash... and bold like I know you so well. Do not... seek revenge."

"Is the Order still running from Gimmerald place? When will Lily be-"

"James, please promise me." Dumbledore continued over him, "Promise me that you won't go running off recklessly...chasing after lost life. Promise me you won't go looking for trouble. We shall hold Lily's funeral in three days...I understand if you want something private, but we still need to have proper pro-"

"It's alright Albus. The Order can attend, you can have your protection around the church and I'll just stand by and-"

"James-"

"Really, it's fine. I'm going now Albus..." He sat up abruptly and headed to the door. With his back turned, he placed his hand on the knob and spoke, "But I can't promise you anything. I never could keep my promises. Good-bye."

And then he walked out, a short click that left Dumbledore alone in the semi-darkened sky. It bothered the headmaster that he didn't even slam the door in frustration, but rather a quiet, almost gentle manner which meant something much deeper than mere anger was settling inside. Much more than mere revenge. He frowned at James's irrational mood, but he knew it could not be helped. Not with the loss of his wife and near eradication of his entire family. James was always a bit foolhardy, and he had never listened to the rules. He probably wouldn't stop at anything until he avenged his wife and son; he wouldn't leave things unsettled like that. Breathing deeply, Dumbledore took off his glasses and wiped them down. He would have to have a talk with Remus before letting him go.

But besides all this...besides James's desperation at the loss of Lily... there was something else which was gravely bothering the headmaster... and causing him restless nights of worry. It was James's blank mind, his nervous attitude when the topic arose to how he survived. Dumbledore had tried to question him once more, but James had refused in practical fear, like he was hiding some fact about the night. He wasn't exactly sure what it was, but James's entire survival was something that needed to be revisited and analyzed– for the more he investigated the disaster scene, the more things didn't add up.

Dumbledore had found no evidence to suggest James could have escaped unscathed...or even alive at all. Harry was the exception, of course, but the blast from the reflected curse and his scar...at least those were the signs of a heavy fight. With James...there was simply nothing. If Voldemort had attacked... why would he carelessly leave James behind? It didn't make sense to do so. Dumbledore was sure Voldemort wouldn't have risked missing James. No, there was something else going on...something...

Tapping his wand lightly against the desk, he hummed a small tune. Such were the troubles of Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, leader of the Order of the Phoenix... and he knew far too well by now: it was never easy to be the wise one. He always had to do the unpleasant things.

He got up from his desk and walked around in no particular fashion. James would now have to be watched, his actions checked closely. James wouldn't like it, Dumbledore knew...perhaps even bluntly refuse. But what else could be done about it? The funeral was being held soon. Perhaps he would wait until then.

A few days later...

It was snowing. The Order had the entire church sealed off, a few guards placed around the streets, and unlike the bad premonitions Mad-Eye Moody had kept warning of days prior...nothing happened. Lily's funeral went on, no revengeful death eaters, no stranglers of the dark who wished to finish Harry Potter off (or James Potter...for James had been told his survival had somehow spread around). The early November air was cold, and even with all the protection and spells... it didn't quite protect them against the sadness they each felt, and the mood was reserved and fair as they paid there last tributes.

James had wished for something private, but with Dumbledore's orders they needed quite a few people to attend. Dumbledore had said that their old house would be left alone in the future, and after the attack there was much work to do to erase the evidence for the muggles. But James didn't really care what happened to any of it, because as far as he was concerned he never really wanted to see that house again.

The snow was coming down fast now, the sun hidden beneath the dark grey sky, and the last time he looked on her face she looked almost happy. She held her wand against her chest, and somehow looked as stubborn and prideful as she had in life, like she might just pop up and tell James this was all a funny joke. He didn't cry, and instead he watched as she was levitated downwards. He held Harry close, and wondered what it would have been like if he had died too. He shuttered. There it was again. That surreal feeling of his own existence coming back to haunt him. He pushed the feeling aside...his face frowning against the pain of reality. If he had died too, he would be right here... next to her. He was standing on his own grave then...wasn't he?

'James...James!' Sirius called to him from beyond the gates, far away and down the street. He realized he had been standing there for so long, now he was the only one left. How much time had passed since the ceremony ended? Sirius came over and took the crying Harry away for a moment,

'Come on...' He said sadly while pulling James along by his sleeve. And with their heads hung low against the storm, soon afterwards they left the snowy white churchyard and headed home.

One week later...

A week has passed since the end of the funeral, and James knew what his friend's were doing to try and cheer him. It was evident by their happy, yet strained, conversations with him, the way they played with Harry which forced James to watch–it was evident that they were trying to distract him back to normal life. But besides the fact they were so obvious in their attempts, James knew he couldn't go back. He felt distinctly different since that day, different from everyone and more aware of his place in the world. James also had the impression that his friends were aware of something too–Harry, after all, was becoming quite well-known in the wizarding world. He had seen everything from newspaper articles on the defeat, to rumours spreading around about Harry's true origins, and Dumbledore had since ordered that James should stay away from all forms of media till things cooled down. Sirius and Remus, however... James was sure they had probably heard some odd rumour every now and then, which would explain why they were so overly cautious around him, or whispering behind his back when they thought he didn't see. James didn't really like all this new attention forming around him and Harry, and sometimes he wished his friends would treat him normally even after all that occurred.

James had been living in a small house Sirius acquired through Dumbledore, residing in a muggle neighbourhood outside of the city. He hadn't really seen anyone outside since, and while Sirius and Remus had frequently gone to meetings, James had preferred to stay at home in quiet. Tonight, it seemed there was another gathering at the usual number 12 Gimmerald place. It had been almost two weeks since Lily's death, and the Ministry had been busy recapturing death eaters and reclaiming their lost structure. The Order also appeared to have lots of work, though James had no idea what.

'It's rather piled-up outside, isn't it?' Remus poured some coffee in a mug and then sat at the dinner table in the kitchen. James was looking outside the window at all the snow which had gone from mild to worse in a matter of days.

'Yeah, ' He replied, and kept it short. James didn't feel like talking much lately, and he often he was overly tired though he knew not why. He could feel Remus growing uncomfortable at the silence, and partly he didn't know if he was glad for it or not.

'James...Sirius and I are heading off again tonight... Dumbledore has called for another meeting. But...I do fear what he is thinking and... don't be mad but...'

'But what?' James looked over, for the first time, relatively surprised by his friend's hesitancy to speak. What was he trying to say? Why would he be mad...? It was true... both Remus and Sirius had been a little distant lately with going out so much...but he had been distant as well. He wanted to be alone most times, drawing away into isolation. James looked away and gulped down; were they trying to put pressure on him? Were they trying to get him to open up more?

'Well...even I don't know what he's planning...or what's going on...but he seems to think your–'

'Remus!' Sirius had come bursting in through the kitchen door, making both James and Lupin jump a few feet. His face was beat-red, his hair tangled as if he had run quite a distance to get here,

'Come over here, quick!' He ushered urgently with his hands, but when James made a face of question he stopped,

'No, sorry. Just Remus.'

The young wolf got up wearily from his chair. Looking back to James, a slight sad expression, the two made their way into the living room and James could hear them whisper back and forth. A sudden barking laugh told James Remus had probably made some sort of joke, and he felt odd, at the sudden exclusion from his friends. It hurt him, but at the same time he no longer cared. If they wanted to be happy without him, then fine. Maybe he'd just pack up and leave if they didn't want him around. He was probably just a burden anyways... with his depressing mood twenty-four seven. James had wanted to visit Lily again as well...

Dingdong! The sound of the doorbell carried throughout the house, and all conversations stopped. For a moment, James's heart raced. Something had actually happened in his static life, his silent wishes for action coming true? He decided to get up, he decided, on a whim, to answer the door when usually he ignored such things. Who could it possibly be? This place had spells to prevent such a thing...right? His curiosity peaked to a high, and he made his way over slowly. But as soon as James made for the door, Sirius rushed into the room to stop him.

'What are you doing?' James asked a little annoyed, Sirius's form blocking his way forward.

'James, why don't you go upstairs for a moment? It's surely no one important and it would only make you-'

'I'm fine...I think I can handle this simple task? Why don't you just go back and continue your conversation with Remus?' James spoke a little more coldly than he intended, heat flaring inside but it didn't matter–he was angry and it showed.

'No-no...' Sirius still did not move, unconcerned by James's stiff remark. His arms were on either side of the wall, protecting the front entrance and refusing direct eye-contact –he was so obviously hiding something that it made James question who was behind the door. Now James really wanted to see.

'Move.'

'No.'

'Move.'

Dingdong! The bell rang again and now it was Sirius's turn to jump. He looked a bit red, cursed under his breath and then muttered something about having to speak with Dumbledore later. Remus came in from the other hall and started to pull James away as the bell rang again. James didn't have much time to think, but whoever it was, they were impatient.

'What do you think your doing?' He spluttered as his grey-haired friend pushed him into the living room and then locked the door behind.

'Trust me, out of all people who bear a grudge, you'd rather not want to meet this person now.'

'Who is-'

His friend then grimaced as a loud bang sounded from outside. It almost sounded like someone had forced their way in, and James jumped up and pulled his wand. Maybe he was edgy at loud noises, maybe he was afraid the Dark Lord had somehow come back to reality and was here to finish him off. Then he heard Sirius yell, and another shout told him something entirely different was unfolding. He almost dropped his wand as James recognized the strangers drawling voice.

'Who said to invite him?' He looked at Remus's guilty, hidden face.

'It wasn't a choice I particularity liked myself. I tried to explain, suggest something else but–'

He suddenly backed away from the door as a force made it slam open. Sirius came in, huffing and looking like he'd just fought off a particularly large beast, and the other figure who followed was one whom James never thought he'd see, for a long time at least. His mere face brought back his near dead emotions... as if that was the only good thing to come out of his suffocating company.

'Well, it's quite the party you have going on here James...' The greasy-haired man made his way into the living room, looking just like he had the night in the office, and not so unlike his old book-worm self. Severus Snape looked to James and for some reason he was still clutching his wand. He supposed his old feelings didn't quite die down just yet.

'I'm here on the headmasters orders. I am here to-'

'Yeah, and we'll be questioning that order right now.' Sirius spoke up in a temper, the tension in the room so thick no one dared even breathe. Remus shuffled his feet and looked down, unable to think of any decent conversation to talk about. Sirius's eyes were darting to James and then to the fireplace on the side, perhaps to go question Dumbledore about the matter straightaway. And all the while James and Snape never lost eye-contact. He couldn't imagine what was going on his mind, or even what he thought of James now. But either way, all of a sudden he let himself cool and his feelings died down. Why was he so worked up? None of it mattered...anymore. This was old news.

'Leave, we don't want you here, and we know you don't want to be either.' He said in a quiet voice, not looking anywhere anymore.

'I'd love to leave, in fact that option would suit me best. But I am here on the Headmasters will that I stay for the time being. Now, if you don't mind, where is Harry Potter? I assume you feed the boy, at least?'

James was growing frustrated– this man had no sense of sympathy at all and suddenly James didn't regret anything he had ever done to him. If he was acting like this, even after all that occurred James would surely hurt him again for all he cared. He snapped his wand up but Snape was too quick and now they were equally matched.

'Let me remind you, James, that I am far more skilled in duels than you'd probably like to believe. I am not the same... as before, let me guarantee you that.' His dark black hair was hung at both sides, his black clothes to match and he looked slightly intimidating despite his slim body– no one in the room questioned this wizards desire to learn dark arts as it was rumoured he did.

'Get out of here, don't insult him you–' Sirius started and black eyes trailed over,

'Oh yes, I'd forgotten about the dog. He's quite the loud one, isn't he?'

Sirius rushed over, apparently ready to tackle him bare-handed but Snape shot a spell and he was forced to dodge. He stood up, then went over beside James and in an effort to regain his pride, took out his own wand. It was now two-against-one but Snape didn't seem to mind. Meanwhile Remus was standing, unsure how to solve all this, but regardless he appeared deeply involved in examining the rug. It really did need some cleaning.

'Let me ask you again. Where is Harry Potter? If you don't answer, I'll be forced to search the house.'

'Why do you care where my son is? It's none of your business.'

James almost felt light-headed, dizzy as he tried to keep his appearance up. He knew Snape was Lily's old child-hood friend, yet he never understood why. Seeing him here reminded James of all that. Snape's arrival had brought back some sort of life he had been missing... emotions he'd forgotten since the accident. He just wanted this man to leave and be gone from his life forever. And what did he want with Harry? James wouldn't let him near Harry if he could help it.

'Believe me, Potter, it is my business now. The Headmaster has asked for Harry's safety, and I'll be staying here to reinforce it.'

At this, James had forgotten all thoughts and everything from his mind vanished, his face turning pale. Dumbledore had sent him to look after his son? What, was he not good enough anymore?

Snape smirked as James's thoughts etched across his face, everything told in his drooping wand and shaky demeanour.

'Yes, Potter. The headmaster believes you incapable of taking care of the boy, and has sent someone with more-'

Spells fired instantly, from seemingly all directions. James had sent a stinging curse, Sirius had gone a little further with a full blown stun, and meanwhile Snape had reflected both while sending in a fury his own conjugation which, thankfully, no one had taken a hit to be known. Lupin had now sprung into action as well, and Snape backed down as he realized he had too many people to take-on.

'That's enough, Snape.' Remus spoke above his two friends who he was standing in front, 'You've gone too far, and I think we both know that's not the reason for your arrival. Harry is upstairs.' He addressed the other who returned a gratified smirk. James let out a sound from behind and Sirius looked outraged as well. But none-the-less the werewolf continued on,

'If you do go, however, it would have to be under our watch. Are you in agreement with that, James, for now at least?'

James knew his friend meant well, but he still hated looking at the black-haired, hooked nosed man who was barging in on his life ever since he had first met him. From school to his wife, here he was again demanding rights over his only son and all he had left in the world– it made him angry to even think Dumbledore had allowed all this. He walked over to the side, then sat down on the couch beside the fire. Not looking at anyone, tired of everything, he said quietly,

'Go then, get it over with and leave. Harry's fine and safe, you'll see... '

Snape didn't answer, looking at his arch-enemy rather blankly. Maybe it was the fact James was showing weakness in front of him for the first time, maybe it was just that even he, Severus Snape, was tired of their games for a moment, but he lowered his wand carefully and soon the rest followed. He was looking at James with an odd expression, one which no one could quite understand...

"Severus, I am truly sorry for–"

"You promised me. You said she would be safe! You said–!"

Severus was sitting at the desk, shaking slightly as he leaned forward and all his previous energy to shout and scream gone. He had been dragged to the headmaster's office immediately after the hospital wing, and all the while he couldn't contain the pain in his body, the heart-wrenching sadness of losing his only meaning in life. Everything in the world was unbearable to look at. His very breath was staggered, his soul unable to come to terms that he had not been able to save her in her greatest moment of need. He couldn't believe... that so many people he had trusted betrayed him in one single night. His Lord had said he wouldn't kill her! Dumbledore had said she would be safe and well-hidden! And he couldn't believe...ever since he had first found out...he couldn't take the fact that Lily had died... meanwhile... that worthless scum had actually managed to live! What sort of cruel game was the world playing! To taunt him?!

"You cannot be so selfish Severus. James did not ask to survive. It was–"

"Oh yes, stand up for Potter like you always do. What was it all for? Why did I became your spy? Why did I risk my life so he and his son could live?"

"It is a very cruel irony of the world, Severus... that the very two beings you did not care enough to save... are now the only ones who managed..."

"I'll kill him, he cheated Lily and–"

"Severus, I will not allow you to speak like–"

"I'm no longer under your order's, 'headmaster'..." His black hair covering his face, Snape looked up cruelly, spoke so sarcastically yet it was evident by his eyes he felt only sadness, "Why should I listen–"

"Lily's son could be in danger, Severus." Dumbledore went on gravely, "Do you not wish to help her last remaining–"

"How?" Snape spat, "He has his lovely father to look after him now...it would have been better for them all to–"

"Severus, Lily would have wanted her only child to live. She died for that fact, do you truly wish to go against...?"

At the remark, Snape remained quiet for a long time. He didn't understand what Dumbledore was implying. Harry Potter, Lily's son, was in danger? From what? He'd seen Potter alive and well with his own eyes, this very night no less... and no matter how much pain the fact caused him to see James still breathing... he knew the Potter brat would be well looked after. Dumbledore seemed to guess at his looks, and spoke over gently,

"Do you not find the fact that James survived odd, Severus?" He got up and walked around his desk anxiously, "Did you ever stop to consider... the odds of it?"

"Of course Potter survived," He snorted, " He's cheated his way through life this far, surely he begged–"

"Severus, you know as well as I do that man never leaves mistakes behind. Harry is one thing, but I do fear James is... hiding something of great danger. Something is disturbing him inside...yet I do not know what."

"Hiding? Disturbance?"

"Yes...that is why I ask you, Severus...protect Lily's son. I do not know what is to come in the future...but I do have my worst fears..."

"Which are?" Snape questioned darkly, unsure of what the Headmaster was thinking.

"I am afraid...nothing is certain yet. Lord Voldemort is surely not dead, you have felt it too... Severus. Thus, I ask you...protect young Harry, for Lily. You must watch over James, and make sure... nothing happens."

"Under the headmasters orders, I shall be staying here Potter, and whether you agree with that or not..." He walked briskly by them all and headed upstairs to check on the sleeping Harry, shortly followed by Sirius and Remus. But James sat still on the couch and did not move, his head hung low and a deep feeling turning him inside. He wasn't quite sure if it was anger... or something much darker, but he couldn't recognize the feeling as his own... and it scared him.