Author's Note: I already had it written out, so I thought I'd post this chapter at the same time as Chapter 3. So make sure you read that one first.

Chapter 4: Awkward Conversations

The unfamiliar feeling of optimism was the only thing that helped me get to the girls' dormitory after visiting the nurse. I swear that what was left of my battery felt less than empty and it made me wonder if I would ever remember what it felt like to have energy. It felt like my life was just a neverending tired mess now.

A silent sigh escaped me without my permission and I flicked my planner/journal open as I adjusted my school bag in my arms. Trying to hold everything while flipping to the proper map in the planner was difficult, but somehow I managed it. Barely.

I noticed with relief that the dormitory map was the very first one and I studied it carefully. Each room had a small number placed inside its square. Well, almost every room. I noticed sometimes there was a small abbreviation inside some of the squares and that said C. Room. It took me longer than I'd care to admit for me to finally figure out that it said "Common Room."

A bright color on the map drew my attention and I noticed a very small, pink girly heart sticker was placed inside one of the rooms. I realized that the doctor had thoughtfully marked off my own room so that I wouldn't be able to forget what the room number was. I had probably been told numerous times what my room number was, but I had only remembered it long enough to drop my suitcase off in the morning. I felt my chest constrict painfully as I realized that I had forgotten what my room number was or even just where it was without my realizing it.

Without the map, I'd be so utterly lost.

The sound of people loudly talking nearby startled me out of my thoughts and I realized I was spacing out again. If this kept up I'd need the nurse to escort me around with a leash just to make sure I actually got anywhere. I looked back down at the map once more just to double check the room number and I made my way into the girls' dorm. Before I knew it, I had found my way to my room. I had hurried past the common room I had spotted, not wanting to really see anyone else at the moment.

Now I paused in front of my room as I could hear muffled talking coming from a room a few doors down from mine. One of my hands absently reached up to touch my scarf, fingering it gently as I'm reminded yet again of my forced silence. Memories that I'd tried so hard to think of threatened to flood back in and I didn't know how long I stood there before I heard the sound of a door opening. What really snapped me out of my daze, however, was the loud gasp and the sound of the door slamming shut abruptly.

I jumped and looked over at the sound with wide eyes. What was that?! I clutched my journal/planner tightly to my chest along with my book bag, as though it could protect me from harm. As I stared down the hall, I noticed that a door a few doors down opened a crack and then quickly shut once more. I again heard the muffled sound of voices coming from behind the door, before it opened again and a tall girl stepped out into the hall.

She had long blonde hair tied up into a ponytail held by a black ribbon. My eyes immediately locked onto the ribbon because my hair was tied in a similar fashion, just not up in a ponytail like hers. I had been debating wearing my big green ribbon because I thought it might seem too childish. My apprehension on this had only grown when I noticed that there weren't many girls in my class that wore ribbons in their hair. Although that one girl in my class, Misha, had bright pink hair that resembled drills. I suppose it could be worse.

At least this girl's hair looked more interesting than mine. Her's had waves that made it look more elegant while mine was straight and plain. Not to mention thick. When it got wet, it tended to get very frizzy. I usually had to let it air dry or else the hair dryer made it too frizzy unless I put some gel in it. My attention was drawn from her ribbon and hair to her eyes, which were staring straight ahead. From this distance, it was easy to see that they were a light blue color, but there was something that looked a little odd about them.

"Hello?" the girl called out, her voice even and measured.

There was an awkward pause as I obviously didn't answer.

My head automatically jerked down to stare at her shoes. I could feel my heart speed up at the thought of communicating with her but I couldn't seem to make any move toward entering my room. For one thing, the key to my room was in my pocket and my arms were pretty full at the moment. I'd have to move more or set something down and it wasn't something I really wanted to do at the moment.

"Is someone there?" she called out again, and again, there was an awkward pause.

My attention was soon drawn to the door behind her, which I hadn't noticed had been left open a little. It seemed to move on its own as it creaked open a little more and it took me a moment to notice that there was a hand wrapped around the edge of the door.

There was hardly any noise that I could hear coming from the room, but the blonde girl in front of me tilted her head in that direction and it looked like she was listening intently for a moment. The blonde girl nodded in response to something that I couldn't hear and she beckoned to the door with a hand. It's only then that I noticed that in her other hand was a long white cane. I resisted the urge to smack myself as I suddenly realized her eyes looked strange because she's blind.

I heard the creak of the door as another girl gingerly stepped out and immediately clung onto the blind girl, clutching at her almost desperately. I noticed her hair was long and dark and it covered a good half of her face. As I looked at her, I noticed that she looked completely terrified. I'm sure if the blonde girl could see her face, she would never have asked the other girl to come out.

But with the dark-haired girl clinging so desperately to the blonde girl, she had no choice but to walk with her when the blonde girl stepped toward me, her cane clicking along with each step as she trailed her fingers delicately along the wall with her free hand. It was as I noticed their shoes getting uncomfortably close that I realized they were coming toward me.

I moved to hastily step back since I was a little worried that the blonde girl might walk into me on accident, but then my bad luck kicked in as I managed to trip over my own feet. My arms involuntarily flew up into the air as I fell over backward and there was a loud noise as my head collided with the ground. Thankfully neither my book bag nor my planner managed to hit me when I fell. My bag only tumbled to the ground and my planner was flung sideways due to my flailing arms and wound up in the middle of the hall. I laid there for a moment flat on my back, feeling a little dazed and disoriented.

I had hardly noticed the loud gasp or the increased clacking, but I certainly noticed the two worried faces that suddenly entered my field of vision. I sat up suddenly and winced as I rubbed the back of my head. Noticing how close they were, I couldn't help but scoot back a little.

"Are you alright?" the blonde girl asked worriedly. "Do you need the nurse?"

I rubbed the back of my head again, but it didn't feel like I'd hurt anything. If I managed to get hurt so soon after just visiting the nurse, I really would need an escort around the school to keep me safe. I shook my head to the girl's second question but then realized how stupid that was. I shot a helpless look to the dark-haired girl.

"Sh-she shook her head," the dark-haired girl said, her voice coming out as more of a whisper.

The blonde girl tilted her head as if she were confused and straightened up.

"I'm terribly sorry," the girl began, her speech quite formal, "but are you unable to speak?"

I quickly nodded at the pair and the dark-haired girl again whispered to the blonde one.

"Well, I'm glad that you're alright," the blonde girl said kindly. "My name is Satou Lilly and this is Ikezawa Hanako. You may call us Lilly and Hanako if you like."

While she was speaking, I hesitantly got to my hands and knees and gathered up my school bag. The girl with the dark hair, Hanako, walked to the middle of the hall and picked up my planner for me. However, she seemed oddly reluctant to give it to me, so she gave it to Lilly instead. I thought Lilly would be annoyed to be given my planner, but she just looked amused for a moment before holding it out in my general direction.

"I believe this must belong to you," she said to me.

I realized how incredibly awkward this was. I couldn't speak at all and she couldn't see any of my facial expressions or any gestures that I could make. I noticed she was very patiently holding the planner out to me, so I took a deep breath and got myself up to my feet, taking my school bag with me. I mustered up my courage and stepped toward her, gently taking the planner out of her hand. Our fingertips brushed as I took the book away from her and I flinched, nearly dropping the book again.

There was a little noise as I desperately fumbled around with the planner and my bag for a moment. Getting frustrated with myself for being so clumsy and looking so stupid in front of them (and then realizing how stupid that was, since only one girl could see me fumbling around), I hastily opened my book bag and shoved my planner inside of it as I refused to admit to myself that it was something that I should have done in the first place.

Mission accomplished, I more easily grabbed the small notebook and pen out of my pocket and flipped to a page. I noticed my note from earlier, but the context of it didn't quite seem to match what happened here and it would be really weird for me to have a pre-written note like that anyway. So I flipped to a new page and hastily scribbled out a new note, introducing myself to the two girls and said how nice it was to meet them. Then I added on that I was tired and going inside my room to get my things settled. I quickly reread the note and decided it would do, for now.

I noticed the silence was stretching on and either the scratching of my pen on the paper must have indicated to Lilly that I was writing a note or else Hanako must have said something to her since they both remained quiet. As soon as I was finished, I held the notebook out to Lilly and then gave a huge internal sigh at myself.

Really, Lillian?

Thankfully Hanako came to the rescue as she quickly grabbed the notebook and whispered to Lilly what my note said.

"Ah, Lillian," Lilly said with a hint of amusement in her voice (probably because our names were similar), "It's nice to meet you. I do hope that you like it here at Yamaku."

I nodded politely to that and once again Hanako passed the notebook to Lilly, who immediately held it out in my general direction. I glanced at Hanako since it would make more sense for her to pass the notebook directly to me but I could immediately see that the very thought of it terrified her. In fact, she looked so frightened that I couldn't help but marvel at the fact that there seemed to be someone out there in the world more afraid of social interactions than me.

When I noticed her almost flinch at my watching her, I hastily averted my gaze and grabbed the notebook back from Lilly. I chanced a glance up at Hanako and gave an awkward wave to the two of them with the hand that was still holding the small notebook. After that, I stuffed my notebook back into my pocket and after fumbling around for my room key, I stepped inside and closed the door behind myself before either of the two girls could say goodbye to me.

I breathed a sigh of relief at the fact that was over and then looked over at my bed in disappointment. My suitcase was right where I left it and there was a pile of linens on my bed, but the bed hadn't been made yet. I felt my lip tremble a little at the unfairness of it all since I was so tired, but I realized it wouldn't accomplish anything if I cried over it.

A short time later I had the essentials from my suitcase unpacked and the contents of my book bag were dumped on my small desk and my bed was made. My room wasn't really that interesting. There was a desk pushed up against one wall and then up against another wall was my bed. The bedspread was plain and the sheets were a neutral color. The walls were beige and looked incredibly boring. It was a little depressing to see that even after I had unpacked a little, the room still seemed uninspiring and dull.

Like me.

I fingered my scarf and looked over guiltily at my desk, seeing the pile of work waiting on me. Mr. Mutou had been so kind to summarize his class for me with notes typed up and he had even gotten all my day's assignments typed up as well. I looked down at the sheet on the desk and noticed that I had some homework to do already. I supposed that was the joy of starting school in the middle of the school year. I didn't even have the opportunity to enjoy hardly any work on the first day of school.

I decided I should write all my assignments down in my planner first, even though I had the sheet right there. Maybe writing them down again would help me to remember them. At least if anyone saw my planner, they couldn't say that I wasn't using it. I flipped to the journal section to write down the assignments and then returned back to the planner section. The nurse did have a good suggestion for me to write out my schedule. I wrote down an early time for breakfast tomorrow since I usually didn't sleep in late anyway. Then I wrote down what time class was, followed by lunch and then more class.

As for what came after that, my mind was a blank. I didn't really have anything to do after class. With a sigh at my pitifulness, I wrote down homework after that, followed by dinner. Then I scratched out dinner and wrote down library? before that and then dinner. Then I wrote down my hopeful time for bed. I decided that since I didn't have much left to do for today, it would be pointless for me to plan out what my schedule would be.

I felt a small smile creep onto my face at this accomplishment since it's actually the first time in a long while I've been able to properly concentrate on anything for longer than a few minutes. It's actually the most I've been able to concentrate the entire day. I noticed at the top of the page of the planner after the maps there was a large word highlighted.

MEDICATION.

The note was almost screaming at me and I jumped as though the nurse had shouted at me.

Omigosh, my medication!

I hurriedly stood and went right over to my suitcase, which was still laying open on the floor where I had left it. I rifled through a pocket and came up with several pill bottles. I carefully read each one, each one had its own set of instructions. I couldn't help but grimace as I realized that in all the excitement of the day, I had forgotten to take any of them at lunch. A couple bottles said something about "thrice daily." I checked the time, but it hadn't been that long since school let out and it was still the afternoon. I guess I could take them now. I took out the necessary pills and quickly swallowed them. I was in such a rush that I didn't even notice the lack of water that I usually took them with.

Jeez, talk about giving myself a heart attack. I'd have to be extra careful to remember to take my pills from now on. I couldn't afford to be lax about it, especially since some of my medication was dangerous to skip or stop taking suddenly.

My fingers traced the highlighted word at the top of my planner and I couldn't help but once again be grateful for the nurse's help. With that disaster averted, I took the bottles that I would need later for dinner and lined them up at the back of my desk near the wall. I sat back down in my chair and drummed my fingers on the desk as I stared at the pills.

Didn't I have some sort of organizer thingy for them? I glanced back at my suitcase but decided it felt like too much work to go back over there. With a sigh that only a student could muster, I very reluctantly opened up my books and began the arduous task of homework.

A few hours later, I slammed one of my books shut in frustration. I had managed to half-complete a few assignments but the reading assignment I'd gotten for history was extremely annoying. I'd read a few sentences but then my mind would wander and I'd forget what I was reading about. I had decided to quit trying before I burst into tears. Reading used to be one of my favorite things to do and now I can't even do that.

I stared down at the desk as I willed my eyes not to fill with tears.

I hated my life.

I hated the way it turned out.

But most of all, I hated the feeling of helplessness that I always seemed to have.

Everything always seemed so much harder for me than it used to. It was so unfair.

Normal kids were always being told to try harder, but not me. Not anymore. Now all that anyone told me was to recognize my limits and be careful.

As I stared down blankly at the closed book, I realized that the cover was blurry from my unshed tears. Realizing that I was crying anyway, I angrily swiped my sleeve over my face, wiping the tears away before they could properly fall. My breathing hitched but I took one deep breath and then another as I forced myself to think about other things. There wasn't any point on dwelling on what a mess my life had become now.

When it seemed like I wasn't going to burst into tears after all, I checked my watch. It was kind of early for dinner, but with the way I was feeling an early night wouldn't be a bad thing. Besides, if I was going to probably spend hours staring at the ceiling, I'd better get an early start on it. Maybe I'd fall asleep at a decent hour for a change and I'd wake up actually rested for once in my life.

I looked over at the door and made a face as I realized I didn't have any food here. I hadn't thought about getting any earlier since I was unfamiliar with living in a dorm. Before.. everything.. I had gone to a regular school, walking to it from home and back as if it were nothing. At the time, it had been. Now, however, it seemed like an impossible task.

I sighed silently, but it wasn't like I could ask any of the girls in the hall to get food for me. I didn't even know any of them and had only met a couple of them earlier. Considering the reception I had gotten from Misha and Shizune after lunch and the fact I made a complete fool out of myself during lunch, I guessed I wasn't earning any points with the majority of the people I had met.

Oh well..

It was only the first day.

Maybe tomorrow would be better.

With that thought in mind, I reluctantly left my room after grabbing my planner to make sure I knew where the cafeteria was.