5/31/09 - "Anger at lies lasts forever. Anger at truth can't last." - Greg Evans

"My first duty is to Serenity."

"I understand."

"They are quite a sight, are they not?"

Jadeite agreed with Beryl, but he did not feel the need to acknowledge her. Besides, no one could deny that the Moon Princess and her Senshi were anything short of radiant. Not that they could tell anyone, but the Prince and all four of his Shitennou, Jadeite included, heartily agreed, although perhaps each of them had something specific in mind.

"They come here with such sweet smiles, descending to our humble blue planet, and yet, they are always just out of reach."

Jadeite's glance strayed for a moment to the gold bracelet on the wrist of Princess Mars. It was involuntary, and it was foolish. Beryl noticed.

"What is behind those smiles, I wonder? They believe their precious Alliance to be so far above us. No doubt they look upon us pitiful Earthlings with nothing but scorn."

Bitterness was rising in Jadeite. It was as though the whole world was contracting into him and the untouchable Senshi of Fire. The only sound was the beating of his own heart, and Beryl, whispering in his ear.

"They no doubt loathe to even touch us. Why else would they always wear gloves?"

His breathing was becoming erratic, and his eyes could scarcely focus. They were far too keyed in on black hair that seemed to turn purple or red, depending on where the light hit it. Other times it focused on pale, glowing skin. He remembered how soft it was when they danced, and he suddenly found himself curious what it would look like as blood stained it.

"How can we trust them? They no doubt wish to enslave us, and lock us away in a cage where they can control us, and keep us from ever touching them."

Jadeite struggled to remember what her face looked like when she laughed. She was so serious now, her face a carefully constructed mask designed for diplomacy. In his mind, it mocked him.

"We can not let them control us, can we General? You are defender of this world. Take up your sword and do not fail us."

His hand twitched. He wanted to reach out to something. Part of his mind wished to find the place between her shoulders where he held her for the dance. Part of his mind wished to find the hilt of his blade.

"Your first duty is to the Earth General."

His mind was no longer divided. It went dark, and it went over to Beryl completely.

It was always more than a bit embarrassing to be caught staring into a mirror. And for General Jadeite to be caught staring into a mirror by Sailor Mars was doubly embarrassing. For someone who always tried to appear so suave and smooth to be caught at unawares by the object of his affection was devastating.

Sadly, Jadeite had known far worse humiliation.

Rei attempted to lighten the mood. "Armor never has been the strongest fashion statement."

Jadeite smiled a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. It was not lost upon Rei.

"What are you thinking?"

Jadeite looked back into the mirror, as though it might hold the answers. As he expected, there were none. He pondered the regalia upon his uniform that marked his as defender of Earth. The design was an ancient one that could be traced back to the armor of the Golden Kingdom of Earth a thousand years ago, and the insignias were those of the defenders of Elysion, the heart of Earth and the land of dreams. It was his highest honor to have worn such fine devices, and it was his deepest shame to have betrayed them.

"I was just thinking… I used to be proud to be a soldier. I swore an oath to serve Endymion, and I lived to fulfill that oath. I was a good soldier, a fine commander, and a noble man."

He looked down at his own hand. He knew it wasn't real, but he always felt he could see and smell a trace of blood.

"But I was weak. In the end, Beryl's lies were more convincing than my oath."

In the silence that followed, he felt his guilt way down upon him.

"You told me that I wasn't who I once was. I know that. But I don't know if it brings me any comfort."

Rei considered him for a moment.

"When you returned this time, I thought I hated you."

There was no accusation in her voice, but he felt it all the same.

"I remember the fire, and the sword and the pain. Ever since I got my memories back, they've always been with me. It made me remember when you first returned. I remembered nothing, and I killed you again."

There is pain in her voice. Jadeite doesn't know if he wants to hold her or to jump into a fiery pit.

"I felt as though you took my innocence. It was why I had taken the vow in the Silver Millenium in the first place. And that didn't have the result I had hoped for. And I felt as though I was destined to play out the same fate over and over again."

She met his gaze, and a thousand years flashed across his eyes. It is overwhelming, and he's unsure what he should feel first.

"But more than anything, I hated myself, because I had already forgiven you. In spite of all the pain, and suffering and loss, I still loved you. I had never stopped. Even when you went over to her, even when you came back the first time. I never stopped caring for you. I thought it made me weak."

This time, he followed his first instinct and took her in his arms. He wondered why he had stopped himself before. Nothing in his life had ever felt this right. Perhaps it was the same for her, as she seemed to take some strength from him.

"My powers are based on war and strife. I thought I needed my anger. I thought it was what gave me strength. But I was wrong. Serenity gives me strength. And her strength comes from love. I had to let go of my anger and give in to love. It was the only way I could move forward."

Jadeite held her tighter.

"I wish I was like you, and could release my anger. But I fear it will always be a part of me. I'll always doubt myself after… after what Beryl did to me."

Rei looked into Jadeite's eyes.

"You should be angry. Your anger is righteous. It will strengthen you in a way my anger never could. My anger came from denying myself. It was weakness."

She took his face in her hands.

"I know you fear falling again. But if you remember your anger, you will not fall."

"You believe that?"

She brought his face to hers and pressed her lips gently to his.

"I believe in you."