Thank you for the ideas - I love you guys! Every one of them made me quite literally laugh out loud – be prepared to see them in later chapters! =D Note: For those of you who do not know the meaning of a 'morningstar' it's that really scary looking weapon that the Witch-King uses when he and Eowyn are having that fight in RoTK.
Disclaimer: Owning LOTR would make me Tolkien, and it's obvious that I'm not. However, I do own Argileth and, I regret to say, Melodiel and any random Sues you happen to meet. I also don't own Charlie the Unicorn – if you haven't seen that retarded clip go to YouTube and type in Charlie the Unicorn. It's ridiculous but it suits my fic. (Thanks to Jasmin the critic from hell, and TheHouseOfTheGoldenFlower! I've mutilated some of your ideas *evil manic grin*)
Warning: The usual stupidity. And this chapter is slightly gory – but you might like it if you like seeing Sues die. ;)
OoO
"Now thateth was unnecessary. Etheth."
So saith the Sue. Argileth stared at her in shock. Her long golden hair was still perfect, her gown had miraculously changed – and that was perfect, too – and Legolas was still staring at her in that lovestruck, idolising way. Melodiel snapped her long, perfect fingers and all three found themselves back in the throne room. How on Arda she had managed to resurrect herself Argileth did not know. All she did know was that she would retch if she hung around any longer to hear Legolas spilling out poetry to Her Highness and rushed out of the room to carry out the aforementioned activity.
Needless to say, Her Majesty had not taken too kindly to the fact that she had been killed and Argileth was severely punished for her actions. She was not allowed to stay up and eat pizza, and her phone had been confiscated for - *gasp* - an entire day! Not that it really mattered to Argileth, as she never used that strange object, the phôn – now, it would have been a different story if her mace or something had been confiscated –
"Argileth?" Our poetry readingeth is on this morningeth, remember thee? Legolas is going to readest his poemeth!"
"Yes, my lady."
Proclamations and updates on her Ladyship's activities rang out at odd hours, announcing that 'Her Royal Highness is having her hair brushed', or 'My Lady is having a bubble bath' – or, once, in the middle of the night, 'Her Majesty is going to the toilet.' For that matter, night was not a cycle that came regularly anymore, thanks to Melodiel – it was always sunny, it never rained and days were unbearably long. It was because of this that Argileth was slowly, or rather rapidly, becoming somewhat insomniac. Guards, heralds and servants arrayed in the fell colours of the Queen – pink and urple – were seen hurrying around to carry out her orders to have Her Ladyship's toenails polished, or her special diet cookies delivered to her room fresh from the kitchen where Sam Gamgee had been stationed as Head Cook. The poor hobbit had scarcely been getting much more rest than Argileth. And Legolas, Aragorn, Frodo, Merry and Pippin all appeared wearing 'I heart Melodiel' T-shirts – once Aragorn went wandering around without a shirt on at all, much to the Aragorn!Sues' delight, and Melodiel's, who had probably made him go shirtless in the first place. Melodiel had not failed to notice her loyal servant maidenetheth's frequent absences but, being a Sue and therefore nearly devoid of any intelligence, did not suspect Argileth of any of the murderous machinations formulating in said elleth's weary, sleep-deprived head.
Melodiel glided into the corridor from out of nowhere, saying to Argileth,
"Announceth thee my presenceth – methinks my peopleth awaitest."
By 'peopleth' she did not mean the common riffraff of Rivendell but her personal servants – her Melodiel fanclub members. Who knows what Melodiel got up to in her private time with her fanclub. Whatever it was, Argileth did not want to know and disappeared as soon as she had made her announcementeth.
OoO
Arwenniel Tinuviella stood in the middle of a random field with a beatific smile gracing her perfect features. She, as the twin sister of Arwen, had long midnight-black hair and flawless skin. Her violet eyes were rimmed with dark lashes and sparkled with the light of the stars. The presence of Melodiel ensured that she and other Sues did not get anywhere near the heroes, least of all Legolas, but Arwenniel was standing around in this random field in the hopes that should Gorny or some other totally hawt Elfy come along, she could [censored for your mental protection]. So, her tiny mind occupied with thoughts of this nature, and others more sickening that don't deserve repeating, she did not notice a certain elleth skulk towards edge of her vision, in a short tunic and muddy, totally last-season knee boots; much less did she notice that said elleth was holding some sharp, scary-looking weapony thingamy.
Now, if any ordinary person had seen an armed elleth with a determined look on her face such as what Argileth was displaying, and holding a morningstar, for crying out loud, they would have run for their lives. Because it would be obvious to any ordinary person that carrying such sharp, scary-looking weapony thingamabobbies is not in any way a normal occurrence. But no such thought occurred to Arwenniel Tinuviella, who did not even notice Argileth until she appeared right in her line of vision. And when she finally did see her, the first thought that occurred to her was, Oh, my Valar, those boots are so totally last season! Like, had she looked at herself in the mirror lately at all? She seriously needed to go shopping – obviously she hadn't been to the Gap of Rohan for the last Age or so, like!1! (Actually, that last statement was quite true – but what Arwenniel had forgotten was that there was such thing as dire peril in Middle-Earth and that the last thing a sensible person aware of the dangers of venturing out of Rivendell would be thinking of was a shopping trip to the Gap).
"What are you doing?" inquired Argileth in a tone that might have sounded polite, had she not been carrying her weapon.
"Waiting." All Sues seemed to have that utterly infuriating saccharine ring in their voices, though the voice of this one paled in comparison to wondrous fair Melodiel's, that echoed of the sound of nightingales and larks and bluebirds and all things irritable. This, of course, didn't make the Sue's voice any nicer to listen to.
"For whom?"
Arwenniel tossed her midnight-black tresses and giggled. "For my Gornie-wornie-kins, of course!" The Sue did not notice Argileth's hand tighten on her weapony thingamajig.
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah, like, coz he's so hawt, and we're gonna get married, and –"
It was too bad that she never got to finish her sentence.
Argileth had very good reasons to be frustrated. The arrival of Melodiel had thrown everything out of balance and thanks to her Rivendell was turned into a Sue-haven where at least one Sue every hour would arrive to trouble Middle-Earth. Those members of the 'I heart Melodiel' fanclub were unfaltering in their devotion to their Queeneth and Argileth suspected that she was plotting some sort of mischief involving Legolas. And lastly, her attempt to kill Melodiel had been unsuccessful. Usually Argileth was not one of those people who reveled in excessive violence. And usually the best way to deal with Sues, according to her experience, was to defeat them with logic. Now, however, with the remains of Arwenniel Tinuviella before her feet and a few dead fairies and a couple of winged pink unicorns scattered around her, she had proved herself quite sadistic. Interesting weapon, this, thought Argileth, examining the blood-covered weapon thing. I should use this more often. I wonder if Melodiel could possibly resurrect herself with a morningstar embedded in her thick skull.
She was about to let her weapon loose again when another unicorn invaded her periphery but stopped when she saw that said unicorn was not pink, was not singing, and did not have a perpetual grin plastered on its face. Indeed, this one was grey, rather than pink or yellow or urple or some other impossible colour, and the grin which the others wore was non-existent. Argileth straightened herself and looked at it.
"Despite your being a mythical creature I am assuming that you are not a creature of Melodiel."
The unicorn blinked. "Who?"
"Alright, I see that you are not." She took a deep breath. "So what are you doing here?"
"I don't know, alright? I just am. And –" Suddenly he caught sight of the a blue unicorn and a pink one – both victims of Argileth's violent outburst. Quickly she tried to step in front of them but he had already seen. Oh, no, she thought in a panic, I've just killed his kinsfolk.
So it came as a surprise to her when the grey unicorn began doing what looked like a victory dance and repeatedly thanking her for getting rid of two of his worst nightmares.
"I. . .don't understand," faltered Argileth. Was this unicorn, this figment of some Suethor's imagination, actually agreeing with her that impossibly-coloured mythical creatures should not exist? It turned out that Charlie, the wildly excited creature dancing around in front of her, had had some. . .rather nasty experiences with those two. (1)
"I have to repay you," continued Charlie.
"Huh," muttered Argileth. "What can you do?" Yet after thinking for a moment her eyes lit up. Turning to Charlie with a smile, she said,
"Actually, there is something. . ."
OoO
When Argileth returned Melodiel was still seated upon her golden throne, that beam of light slanting in through the window purely for the sake of accentuating her perfection. Really, her Majesty was so touched – the Melodiel fanclub – aka Legolas, Aragorn, Frodo, Merry and Pippin – were kneeling before her and pledging formally to serve her with their utmost fan devotion. Volunteerethly, of course. What services they were asked to perform with their utmost fan devotion were not mentioned. Not that we really want to know, anyway. Assembled there were many of the other 'peopleth' of Rivendell to witness this auspicious moment in Middle-Earth's history – poetry reading, all in honour of Melodiel.
"My Lady," said Legolas in an undertone as he took her hand, "there is a poem which I have composed in your honour –" At this Argileth snorted – the very idea of the Prince of Mirkwood writing poetry was something that both amused her and made her want to throw up.
Melodiel rose, blushing prettily and fluttering her innocent blue eyes. Just then a cavalry charge sounded and everyone's heads snapped up in surprise. The ground trembled, as did those assembled in the hall. The doors burst open and a cavalcade of pink unicorns came charging in with Charlie at their head.
Now, like I said, Argileth was not usually so sadistic but this time she enjoyed every moment of hearing Melodiel's screaming and her bones snapping and watching all the blood spurting everywhere beneath the furious pounding of hooves. Everyone looked on in horror and astonishment.
Silence fell on the hall after the mythical creatures processed out. Not a chirp, not a note of any ridiculous song sounded from outside. The silence continued when an eyeball rolled its way across the marble floor. The sunshine was overshadowed by the passing of a cloud – an ordinary one, not one that housed a Cupid, or was shaped like a heart, or had a rainbow arching over it with a crock of gold at the end. The silence continued when a little white rabbit bounced in and upon ripping Melodiel's throat out proceeded to drag the remains of oesophagus and vocal chords across the floor, leaving a bloody mess behind. Sadistic Argileth had to suppress a snigger – it amused her that one of Melodiel's own little cutesy creatures was mutilating the Queeneth with such ferocity. One inquisitive bird happened to fly in through the open window and, oblivious to the stares of the Elves, proceeded to feast on the remaining eyeball that was still in its socket, nerves and all, not at all put off by the vitreous humours that were spouting from it like a fountain. But retinal cells and vitreous humours are not composed of rainbows and smiles so the bird had a tremulous fit and died.
When it suddenly became apparent that Rivendell had been ruled by a Sue for an entire week, the Elves sent up a cheer over her death and did not object at all when, on Elrond's orders, whatever was left of Melodiel Melodramatica JuliusCaesareth Theatrica Shakespearanna Parodee was unceremoniously tossed out of the window. The howls that came from Elrond when he realised that he was wearing pink and black robes could probably be heard all the way to Lorien. Slowly the glitter and urpility that hung in the air began to fade. And in the midst of it Argileth was grinning from ear to ear. Those unicorns had sure done a thorough job.
"Argileth? Would you mind explaining the meaning of this?" She turned around to see a highly incensed Elrond shaking his robes at her amid the impromptu celebration.
"I believe, my Lord, that your – niece – felt it necessary to take over Rivendell and, judging by the glitter we are still breathing in, I'd say that she temporarily succeeded," came the reply.
"My what?" thundered Elrond, outraged, and hearing nothing after the word 'niece'. "That thing claimed to be my niece? Good Lords – I suppose she thought she could become Queen of Rivendell, or something equally as preposterous."
Argileth shifted slightly and cleared her throat. "Ahem. She did make herself Queen of Rivendell."
Evidently, by the string of curses that followed, Lord Elrond was not impressed. "That foul, disgusting, vile, FRG8#&GFFR&*#FHK! That SH#M#*&%#GRF!"
"My Lord." Argileth looked upwards in the direction of the irritatingly familiar voice and saw the piercing blue eyes staring back. Elrond looked rather embarrassed.
"Ahem. Legolas." He inhaled and visibly calmed himself before proceeding. Legolas smirked. Argileth noticed a piece of paper sticking out of the Elf-Prince's pocket.
"Your pocket," she said flatly. Legolas shot her a strange look and fished out the piece of paper. The elleth grinned when she saw him start in horror.
"Did I really write this?" he gasped, not attempting at all to mask his unabated revulsion at his own terrible poetry to that Thing. But Argileth was too overjoyed to inquire after the nature of what was written on the accursed sheet—and besides that, she was enjoying watching Legolas' face contort and turn pink in his humiliation.
Alack, the celebrations did not last long – within five minutes a messenger from the gates arrived with an urgent message for Lord Elrond.
"Oh, Lords, no!" he groaned, not sounding like the wise ruler of Rivendell he was. "I knew this would happen sooner or later! ARGILETH!"
"I'm right here, my Lord."
He turned to the elleth, speaking in slow, eerie tones. "They're here. They've come."
"Oh." Argileth pursed her lips. "Legolas, come with me." He certainly was not really the company she wanted with her, but his archery skills would be needed. For once he did not question her and followed her out of the Last Homely House.
The Beings' loud voices preceded them, piercing shrieks and giggles and squeeing renting the air, making Legolas cringe. I did mention before that Melodiel's arrival had precipitated an influx of Sues and once Argileth saw what was going on she understood. Standing behind a large tree with the Elf Prince she watched the gate with raised eyebrows.
Holding up placards of protest against the unfair imprisonment of the heroes in Rivendell were a myriad of Sues, shouting, 'Free the Fellowship! Free Leggy! Free Gornie!' At the very front was what appeared to be their leader – a Leggy!fan, obviously – speaking through a strange object which seemed to amplify sound (Argileth learned later that it was called a megaphone – some ridiculous 'real' Earth invention). This Sue, by the name of Legolina Leggy Legolasia Legolana Legomania Archerie was saying,
"We are gathered here to stand up for the rights of imprisoned heroes and give them a chance in life." Argileth rolled her eyes. A chance for what? Being glomped? "It's so totally unfair to, like, keep them here in this hole." It was Legolas' turn to raise his eyebrows. Rivendell? A hole? It was perhaps fortunate that Master Elrond was not present to hear his home being insulted by a bunch of brainless Sues. "We're gonna charge right in there and save them all!"
Cheers from the Sue crowd.
"Are we gonna just let them suffer in Rivendell?"
"NO!" yelled the crowd. "Over our dead bodies!"
"That can be arranged," said Argileth, stepping out from behind the tree. A thousand Sue heads snapped around.
"Who are you?" demanded Legolina.
"The question is, who are you?" replied the elleth. A thousand Sue eyes blinked. Whispers went through the multitudes, asking 'Who's that biatch with that spiky thingie?' in reference to the morningstar she was still carrying. Legolas by this time had swiftly grown tired of hearing the Sues and wished to put an end to those 'fair' voices for good. He stepped out from his place, an arrow prepared to be loosed.
Big mistake.
A cacophony of squees greeted him as soon as his presence was made known, causing the terrified Elf's face to drain. He had faced many dangers before, not among the least of them Orcs and the dreaded Mirkwood spiders. He had even faced individual Sues before, which was bad enough. But this – this was an utter nightmare. Now the mob surged forward, squeeing all the way, and not realising that there was a gate barring their entrance.
THUNK!
A few dazed Sues fell back with bruises starting to appear on their foreheads. And then charged forth again with enthusiastic squees.
Argileth and Legolas exchanged glances. They had barely needed to do any work at all, with the Sues nearly doing it all for them by bashing into the gate and trampling each other in the stampede and trying to put their heads and arms through the gaps in an attempt to reach for their beloved Leggy. Apparently putting entire body parts through small gaps can result in them being twisted off. Suddenly a shadow loomed in the sky and they looked upward.
"What in the name of Morgoth is that?" asked Legolas, noting that it was too big to be a bird.
"I think," answered Argileth, also noting that it could not be a bird because it was flapping about wildly and screaming, "it's someone falling into Middle-Earth." The Elf from Mirkwood casually leaned against the wall. Argileth, looking at him out of the corner of her eye, wondered how someone so annoying and with such a patronising attitude could be that immaculate-looking. But she quickly put these thoughts aside as the screaming grew louder and the shape with its wildly flailing arms fell down with increasing velocity.
SOUND OF SOMEONE BEING IMPALED ON A GATE SPIKE! (for lack of a better term.)
"See?" said Argileth, turning to her companion, "that is what is supposed to happen when anyone falls from the sky at a great height."
"How true," mused Legolas, looking at the lifeless form with a spike running right through it. "But we didn't even find out her name." Argileth grinned.
"We probably would not have wanted to."
"I agree. Let's return – Lord Elrond will be wondering where we are." They headed back towards Elrond's home and had nearly reached it when they were accosted by urple-and-pink apparelled guards.
"Why are you still dressed like that?" asked Argileth scornfully.
"We have been ordered to escort you to the Throne Room."
Throne room? Looking up she saw the sun shine unsullied upon the earth and with increasing horror saw a few pink flowers sprout up at her feet. She ran from the grasp of the guards and into the hall, Legolas swiftly following.
Seated upon her throne in immaculate perfection was the her Royal Highness the Empress of Sues, Melodiel Melodramatica JuliusCaesareth Theatrica Shakespearanna Parodee, Queen of Rivendell, with no traces of ever being trampled by insane unicorns. Raised on pedestals on either side of the throne were bowls that emitted incense. Kneeling before her throne were the Elves of Rivendell, including the wise Master Elrond. The remaining I heart Melodiel fanclubbers were also committing themselves to this reverential ceremony. Argileth's jaw dropped in dismay. It looked like the poetry reading would be going ahead after all. Melodiel looked up and smiled with her dazzling teeth.
"Ah, thou art just in time!" Upon seeing Legolas her smile grew even wider. Argileth could have sworn she heard the Sue squeeing in glee.
"My lady," said the Prince of Mirkwood, once again beneath the evil enchantment of the Sue.
"Thou mayeth proceedest," she said sweetly. Obediently and in raptures Legolas proceeded to fall to his knees while Argileth swore under her breath in a way that would make a Corsair blush.
"Melodiel, our Queen with bright golden hair
Outshines the sun with her fairness so fair
Her air so noble, her eyes so blue
Melodiel, our Queen we do love thee true."
Argileth really did not know whether to laugh or cry at the ridiculous solemnity with which the ceremony was conducted and the acclaim with which Legolas' 'poetry' was greeted. Melodiel was casting flirtatious sidelong glances from under her long eyelashes at her fanclub members. Argileth wondered if Melodiel could restrain herself from fangirlish behaviour long enough to get through the poetry reading.
"I wish I could bury a mace in your head
And have the pleasure of proclaiming you dead," she muttered.
"What was that, Argileth?"
"Nothing, my lady."
The elleth was forced to remain for the rest of the time until finally everyone was dismissed and Melodiel disappeared with her loyal and devoted fans – maybe to recite Dodgy!Shakespeare together, or something. Argileth stormed off angrily, pink flowers withering beneath her gaze. She sat down once again at her desk to brood darkly. Obviously this Sue was some sort of sorceress well-versed in the Pink Arts and quite capable of resurrecting herself as if it were the most natural thing in Arda. Argileth would have to do something dramatic if Melodiel was to be destroyed once and for all. So it was with great trepidation that she reached for the previously confiscated pink object.
OoO
(1) If you've seen 'Charlie the Unicorn' you'll know what I'm on about!
Whoo – that took me a long time to write! That has to be the longest chapter I've written so far. Unfortunately I've started another gruelling term of school, so don't get cross if I can't update as often. I'm working on it. Thankyou again for all your reviews! It's the small things in life that make me happy and among them is getting reviews. =D Oh, and for those of you wondering where Elenir is – be patient! ;)
~Araloth