Chapter 4-Confessions

"I'm wearing the dress you got me..."

All Vianna's strained voice was met with was the empty sound of an early spring breeze, caressed by the echo of mournful wind chimes swaying from the tree branches overhead.

"I haven't worn it until now, but I thought you might want to see me in it some time…despite the circumstances." she said quietly, as if carrying on awkward conversation with a stranger.

The horizon was cerulean blue without a cloud in the sky. The sun shone brightly, and warmth mixed in with the breeze creating the perfect temperature. Cracks of sunlight broke through the shaded portions of the trees overhead.

The faint sound of rustling leaves and chirping birds twittered invitingly.

This place felt absolutely morbid.

She normally avoided anyplace like this at all costs, but today she could not run away. Today she had to face it.

She brushed her dress self-consciously and held her arm out, as if being examined.

"I don't know how I look in it. I could never pull off everything you could. I don't care what you say. Even with the same face, you'll always be more glamorous than I ever will."

It wasn't just the dress that had been recommended.

The first thing that came to Vianna's mind brought painful tears running down her cheeks, and she tried to stifle them while continuing her visit.

"I graduated." she added, wiping her cheeks with her wrists delicately, trying to save the make up that had been such a laborious task."That's something good right? I mean, I wasn't very worried about it before but...after what happened, it was kind of hard to pull it all together."

More silence.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to actually get here. I...kinda went into shock before..." she said softly, a hand running self consciously through her hair. "But um...look who I brought!"

She beckoned for the fluffy auburn and white Siberian husky by her side to step forward. The canine did, heterochromatic eyes downcast as she whimpered too subtly for anyone besides for Vianna to hear.

"Martini's not exactly allowed in here," said Vianna, trying to feign enthusiasm. "But no one is really around today, so I thought I could sneak her in. Imagine me, being daring for once..."

The stunning animal only laid down pathetically on all fours in front of the plot, still whimpering. She was smart, some how, she knew what this all meant.

Vianna sighed, knowing how hard this was for Martini. The dog had pretty much been gifted to and raised by the person they were both here to see. That person was Master Number One, they were surrogate mother. Vianna was no replacement, and she knew that.

In a way, they were just mutual companions in mourning, and no one else seemed to understand now the way that dog did. It was sad really. Vianna had lost so much faith in people, in practically everything.

She sighed, and went down to pet Martini's head and scratch underneath the baby pink rhinestone encrusted collar that hadn't left the husky's neck for two years. Just like Vianna's own neck piece, it had been picked out meticulously.

"Dad's fine." Vianna began off handedly, desperately searching for something to talk about, procrastinating her true intentions. "Still the stiff cold military man he's always been. He tries to not show it, but it's still hurting him. It's probably hurting him almost as much as it does me, but of course not the same."

She carefully sat in the thick grass on her knees, just therapeutically stroking Martini, the wet dew of the ground cooling her bare legs.

"He doesn't talk to me anymore," Vianna added, a tinge of bitterness ringing in her voice. "He doesn't even look at me. You know, I think it's funny, even though he was always going on about how responsible I was, I think you were always his favorite. Even though we look exactly the same...there's something about you that probably reminded him of mom. That's probably what made you so special to him...but it's not like you need any help being special..."

Vianna felt as if she was ticking off a list in an annual report, reading just how many individuals had been affected after the time of departure.

"Madi misses you." Vianna continued, eyes downcast as memories of a once dynamic trio seemed like all but hazy dreams. "She's been bombarding me at the house for the past year, trying to break me out of my stupor. I shut her out most of the time, but you know that doesn't stop her."

She almost smiled at the mental image of the tiny and child faced, yet thick headed and determined honey-brunette. The times that she had waltzed into Vianna's house as if she owned it, stormed into Vianna's room, and forced the depressing girl to put herself together every once in awhile and to just step outside and feel some sunshine. Back when all Vianna wanted to do was sink into the covers and fade into nothingness.

It was just Madi being Madi she presumed. She was Vianna's best friend after all...she was their best friend...

"Maybe she's picking up the slack for you..." Vianna tried to resolve. "Maybe she's just making up for those first few weeks that she was like me. You know it takes a lot for something to hit Madi hard. She clung to me for months afterward...but... for the first few weeks, she couldn't talk to me. She couldn't be around me without bursting into tears. I was just too much of a reminder of you..."

The reality swarming in those words made Vianna's heart stir. She gripped her fits tightly, trying not to twitch them.

"It's weird wherever I go now, people stare at me." she confessed in a dull monotone, trying so hard not to twitch, not to feel bitter. "They never used to before, but they don't actually look at me, so that hasn't changed. They're just staring right through me, watching me. Like I'm some ghost, you're ghost, wandering around lost and confused."

A scoff escapes her lips, and they curl back into disgust ever so slightly.

"In a way, I might as well be." she said in a hard tone, a sudden resolution playing across her lifeless eyes. "No matter what, you're still the one people watch for. Even now."

Something inside her finally welled up, and her fists balled.

"I can't do this…"she sighed in frustration.

She shot up from the ground, and started pacing ever so slightly, one or two steps at a time.

"Ive tried for months now to pretend like I can function." she said, trying to contain herself.

She stepped back and forth. Back and forth.

"Like the way I feel can just be changed…but…I can't….I've tried so hard …but I can't pretend anymore…"

Back and forth. Back forth. Like a caged panther under a spot light, unable to sink into its most beloved shadows.

"I'm so mad at you!" she hissed through her teeth, her small voice building. "I'm so furious at you don't even know, and you're never going to know. That's what's worse."

She stomped her black heel into the ground, the stiletto getting caught in the soft up kept earth.

"You've never thought about the consequences of your actions, and I'm the one that's paying for it more than ever." She let out, a built up sob escaping from her throat, knuckles turning white.

"You're so stupid! You're so selfish! Why couldn't you think, for just one second?" she cried. "You made one stupid mistake, you kept one stupid secret from me, and you took everything from me…"

She stopped shortly, trying to get control of the tone of her voice, trying to get control of herself.

"If you wanted him…you could have just told me…"

The words slipped so slowly and sadly Vianna could barely stand it.

"He can rot for all I care…He's not worth it." she whimpered, imitating the canine who was now staring at her with empathetic eyes. "He's not now and he never would have been…He can burn and rot because he pretended he cared about me, but he still took you from me…You both took everything from me!"

All the built up anxiety from the past year was building up. It was boiling over. Vianna strained as if controlling a leak in a dam.

"You took away my best friend…The other side of everything I am…"

Her voice cracked, their would be no regaining herself this time.

"You took away my sister…"

"I don't who or what I am anymore Valena. Am I a ghost? A shadow? I'm so broken Lenie, because now you're gone and the only thing I have is the reflection you left in the mirror and all those dreams you used to be so sure of…"

Nothing more than the silence Vianna was loathing.

"That's right Lenie…I'm dreaming. Are you proud of me?" she announced pitifully with a cynical edge in her voice, as if pleading the concrete slab in front of her for affirmation. "I was skeptical for so many years, and now lately I've been dreaming all the time. They're foggy, confusing…ominous…and…they always feel so real…ironic right?"

Vianna held her arms around her shoulders with goosebumps starting to form. They weren't from the current soft breeze, but from the shivering feelings creeping up her spine.

"I can't even close my eyes without feeling that some how…some where…someone's watching me. I can't understand any of it…and now you're not even here to help me." she admitted with heartbreaking fear in her eyes.

Vianna sunk to her knees yet again, the weight of an uncertain existence careening on top of her.

"Valena, what do I do?" she heaved in-between sobs. "Please! Just give me a sign! Anything! I used to be in synch with you all the time…and now it's just nothingness!"

She ripped the letter out of the purse on her shoulder, and reread the words hungrily, insanely, trying to see if there was answers she over looked.

"What did you mean when you wrote this?" she begged while it seemed that every ounce of water form her body was leaking through her eyes. "Wonderland? Where is it actually supposed to be? Is-is this all just you? Are…you trying to reach me somehow? Lenie…I just don't understand."

Defeated, Vianna through her head down into her hand's, and let her self completely break down in front of her twin sister's grave, the world spinning madly around her.

xxx

"I believe now would be the proper time to give you the opportunity for some answers ,Vianna." Nightmare chuckled to himself, watching the crying girl in the graveyard from his realm of the surreal.

"Be careful though, since this world wasn't intended for you." he said in useless warning, overseeing as a white rabbit appeared ever so strangely into the picture, ensuring the portal was open.

"And remember," the incubus added with a sad smile, viewing a close up on the weeping face that was so familiar to him. "This is what you wished for."