Sharing in Grief
Lost Hope Newly Awoken
c.1010-1059 TA
"Every morning I have to train, but we can start at the tenth hour every day."
"Train? With weapons?" Haldir asked.
"Yes, my Adar found it necessary that I be proficient and that I could defend myself. Besides, I enjoy it. It keeps my mind and reflexes sharp and allows me to release both energy and anger." Legolas glanced at Haldir. "I suppose you could join me. I could teach you. I began training… at least officially, at you age."
"I don't want to be a warrior." Haldir said.
"Nay, but the ability to defend yourself will keep you from having to take a guard with you on trips. You by no means have too. It is a suggestion only."
Haldir appeared thoughtful. Legolas watched him rove through the information with care. He was certainly more thoughtful than Legolas had ever been when it came to these things. Legolas had mostly dived headlong and hoped the pool was deep. Something else that his mother blamed his father on.
"You may be right." Haldir said softly. "Perhaps I should try."
"That's the spirit." Legolas said grinning.
A few years later, Haldir had returned to his home for a month, to see Orophin's birth, then he had returned to Greenwood. He knew he had not yet accomplished what had been set forth for him in Greenwood, and he hoped to accomplish it before his childhood was over. Truthfully, he hoped it would be over right around his first century, and then he would spend his last twenty-five years home with his parents and now younger brother.
A deep bond formed between Haldir and Legolas by the time those fifty years since Haldir had first come to Greenwood passed. The bond that had developed between the young child and Legolas had been amusing and at the same time beautiful to watch. At first glance they seemed to be complete opposites, but apparently their differences served them well, and the two young Elves had become brothers in all but blood.
As promised, Legolas had taught Haldir the basics of archery and some skill with a blade, though both leaned toward archery more than anything else. Haldir, it also seemed, might be better with a normal Elven blade than Legolas' style of fighting with two long knives. Still Haldir pressed more toward being something much calmer than a warrior and continued the studies he had stayed in Greenwood for. Thranduil himself had seen Haldir working with Legolas on both accounts, and secretly held to the thought that if he was fully trained he might be a formidable warrior. However, Thranduil was not one to push someone, especially a foreign child, toward the hard life of a warrior and so kept his mouth shut.
It would not be long before Haldir made the transition himself, but until he did the king remained silent. It would also not be long, however, before two families of their kingdoms came to a time of sharing in grief.
As it seemed Haldir's time in Greenwood was ending, the king unwillingly dwelt more and more on the relationship between his son and the galahdrim. As he watched Legolas interact as an older brother toward the foreigner, he sighed with regret over the two stillborn children that had come to life already dead soon after Legolas' own birth. He constantly reminded himself that dwelling on past regret held nothing but destruction and swept the thoughts from his mind. As it seemed, however, these kind of thoughts never truly leave.
On this particular night, Thranduil walked into his chambers as the sun was descending. Oiolairë was not there yet but by the time he had readied for bed she was. "You actually came to bed on time." Oiolairë said, one brow raised.
"I have been oft of late." Thranduil said. "Things are running smoothly for once." He said kissing her forehead. Before he could even lay down, Oiolairë's body pressed against his her lips finding his.
"I love you too." Thranduil said laughing slightly. Oiolairë hardly bothered answering. He wanted to respond, but something felt wrong. "What are you doing?" He asked softly. She stared at him for a minute before she spoke.
"What do you think?"
"Well, that is what I thought, but normally you are not this aggressive." Thranduil said, raising an eyebrow at her.
"It has been long." Oiolairë said.
"It was yesterday." Thranduil replied, a hint of a sparkle in his eye.
"Does it matter?"
Thranduil frowned. "No, but for some reason… Oiolairë." She just looked at him, waiting before her lips started to descend on his again. Why are you doing this? Thranduil asked, he felt waves of her emotions hitting him, and the content of them was what worried him.
Trust me love. She said and suddenly everything became clear to him. He had not been the only one to realize how much Haldir and Legolas had bonded.
"No," Thranduil said and pushed her off of him. She looked startled, hurt. He ignored the look on her face for a moment as he sat up. "You cannot do this." He said, voice choking.
"Trust me, I can do this." Oiolairë said.
"I trust you with everything," Thranduil said, "But this… you will only get hurt again."
"Please, Thranduil." She said softly reaching to kiss him again. He pulled his face away and she paused.
"I cannot let you do this." He said.
"What are you going to do?" Oiolairë asked. "Keep from our bed for the rest of our immortal lives?" Thranduil looked at her hurt, before he stood and crossed the room.
"I have no wish to." Thranduil said, voice strained. "Surely you realize why." Oiolairë stood and walked over to him, pressing her hand against his chest.
"You do not control this." Oiolairë said. "You have to let me try."
"We have tried, love." Thranduil said now sounding weary. "Come, we both need rest."
"No!" Oiolairë said more vehemently. "I am going to do this!"
"How?" Thranduil asked. "If I refuse…"
They stared at each other, emotions colliding without reason to control them. "Please." Oiolairë begged him. Thranduil's eyes fell to the floor, not being able to look her in the eye anymore.
"I know why you think we should." Thranduil said. "But why do you want to do this to yourself?"
"Why?" Oiolairë asked incredulously. "Because I can do this, I did it once. I can do it again."
"Do not tempt fate." Thranduil said. "Legolas made it, but two others did not. What if it happens again? What happens to you then? What happens to me? Beyond that, what happens to all of Greenwood?" Her eyes fell and he continued more gently. "Love, it would be wonderful, but we cannot continue to hurt ourselves. This is only a road of pain."
"And potential joy." Oiolairë said. "Just give me, us, one more chance."
Thranduil looked at her hesitantly. "Oiolairë…"
"Please, it will not happen this time. Our child will be born- alive." She insisted.
Thranduil sighed. "I do not want to see you hurt. And what about Legolas?"
"He wants to be an older brother. You can see it in his eyes every time he talks to Haldir."
"Can you tell me in all honesty that this is not a result of seeing the bond between those two?" Thranduil asked.
Oiolairë looked in his eyes, mouth opening slightly before closing once more. "No," she said softly. "But I can give Legolas a sibling. I know I can."
"We know it is possible." Thranduil said. "But there is too much risk. I would have given the world several times over for our other two to be born alive, but to try again might mean suicide."
"I know that, I promise you I will not fade. Please, just let me try." Thranduil closed his eyes and turned so that he was leaning on the edge of their balcony staring out over the gardens.
"I am scared for you. You may not fade but would you live with joy?" He said softly.
"Trust me, please." She begged again.
He finally sighed. "And if we fail?"
"I will stay by your side." She said. Thranduil looked in her eyes and saw a desperate determination. He knew that if he really wanted to refuse her he would have to separate them in a way that should never happen for possibly the rest of their lives. His heart melted in more compassion than passion for her. Her emotions told him she wanted nothing more. He turned to her fully and sighed.
"Okay," he said, "But you have to promise me that if it ends the same way-."
"It won't."
"If it does," Thranduil said, "You will not ask this of me again."
Oiolairë looked conflicted. After a long pause she sighed. "If I fail, then I will not ask again." She said sounding defeated. Thranduil put his hands on her shoulders and she looked up at him.
"We will do everything we can to try to ensure that the result is not the same." Thranduil said gently. "Perhaps the Valar will take mercy on us." Oiolairë smiled softly at him.
"They will." She insisted. Thranduil kissed her, softly, more a sign of apology and compassion than anything else. She sighed as they broke apart. "I love you," she said softly. He said nothing, but pulled her close: a sign of protection and love all at the same time.
Legolas watched his parents worriedly after that night for a while. He had no idea what happened, only that one day his parents were normal, the next his father had become silent and Oiolairë had become almost buoyant. Haldir seemed to notice as well, but he said nothing as was usual with his nature.
Finally, Legolas confronted his father after his father had lost part of his control.
It was another Council meeting. Nothing had seemed out of the ordinary, but Legolas could feel his father's growing tension and it worried him. Thranduil was sitting trying to maintain a passive outlook while a younger member and Rimedur were debating different sides of a simple trade agreement. The Elves of one House were particularly good at making clothes, while another specialized in hunting. And apparently there was a deficit between the amount of clothes traded for the amount of meat.
Ada? Legolas asked. He was only more worried when Thranduil did not answer him. Finally Thranduil stood.
"Look, both items are necessary to both Houses. If one of them needs more food, by all means give it to them, but if not than it is not worth it." He said and left the room. All of them stared after him. Legolas sighed frustrated.
"Continue if you must. If not then you may go on your way for the day."
Legolas then went searching for his father. Thranduil was in his study alone when Legolas walked in. Thranduil raised his eyes and seemed to sigh when he saw the look in Legolas' eyes. "Ada, I know something is wrong. Even with your typical off-balance nerves, this would not normally happen."
Thranduil looked like he would rather be elsewhere but he sighed. "Nothing is wrong, las."
"Nothing? Naneth is acting like all of her dreams have come true and you act like you have a death sentence on your head."
"Legolas," he started.
"Tell me," Legolas insisted.
"Just like your mother." Thranduil muttered. Then he looked at Legolas. "Nothing is wrong so to speak." He said softly. "But for now this needs to stay quiet. Do not even tell Haldir." Legolas stared at him for a minute before nodding. Thranduil glanced down once at his desk before his eyes lifted again. "Your nana is pregnant." Legolas' eyes widened and he paled before sinking into a chair.
"But why?" Legolas asked, knowing full well two others had never made it and that Elves could decide when they wanted a child to be born.
"She insisted." Thranduil said, voice sounding weak and weary again. "She thinks it will be different this time."
"What if it is not?" Legolas asked.
"Do you think I would relent without asking the same question?" Thranduil asked. Legolas quieted. Finally Thranduil sighed again. "I am sorry if I have been quiet. Between running the kingdom and making sure this does not kill her my mind has been full."
"I could help." Legolas said, looking at his father concerned.
"No," Thranduil said, "I will not put extra burden on you. If anything keep an eye on your mother. She is acting happy so that she does not fall into despair. She thinks if we are both optimistic everything will be fine. She seems to forget we were optimistic about your first brother as well, and we were more pessimistic with you. If nothing else, pray someone has mercy on us. I am not sure she will survive."
"What about you?" Legolas asked.
Thranduil looked down. "I have you." He said, raising his eyes slowly. "I will not leave the burden of a kingdom to you so quickly."
"Even in the event of fading?" Legolas asked.
"If I did not fade before your birth I do not think I will now. If I leave Ennor I will Sail or be killed. I do not plan on either. I am not sure what would happen if your mother left, but I will not leave right away- if given the choice."
Legolas nodded slowly. "I hope this goes well."
"We all do." Thranduil said, a thin smile on his lips.
But neither father nor son really believed there was much hope.