Chapter 4
Fading Ferment
She was spinning.
The world around her was a blur of color as the ground disappeared beneath her, dropping her into the swirl of overpowering brightness. The air whooshed from her lungs making it difficult to breath. Ranma grabbed at her chest, screaming as she fell, legs kicking at empty air and panic forcing droplets of tears from the corners of her eyes as her hair came loose of the pig tail and billowed upwards, whipping at her face and terror stricken blue orbs.
Then all of a sudden she was in a room…
Light spilled in through the window like a shower of golden warmth and chased the shadows away. Young women rushed about in an excited panic, dressed in beautiful gowns of the softest pink, helping each other with their make up and adjusting their dresses. Ranma blinked in confusion, finding herself looking around in a dazed manner; blinking again and again, trying to figure out what was going on as she watched Akane scold Nabiki for making some crude joke that the red head had missed. Her eyes darted across the room to where Ukyo and Shampoo were having a friendly yet heated discussion about which of them was the better chef.
Why was everyone dressed up she wondered, frowning inwardly at the feeling that something was incredibly and horribly wrong.
Suddenly her mother was standing in front of her, tears of pride and joy streaming down her face, dabbing at her cheeks with a wad of tissues. Ranma noticed with growing confusion that her mother was dressed up too and looked stunning.
"Oh Ran-chan, you look so beautiful!" her mother cried emotionally.
The other girls seemed to notice her at last and she felt a shiver run down her spine at seeing her three fiancée's getting along so perfectly. It seemed unnatural, as though it were against the laws of the nature. She thought the world might explode if Kodachi were here as well. Just what the hell was going on?
"Your dress looks so beautiful" Akane sighed.
"Huh!"
Ranma whirled around to a full length mirror, and let loose a blood curdling scream. She was dressed in a western style wedding gown of the purest white complete with flowery frills and low cut neck line that showed off her cleavage. Her hair was let loose so that her red locks spilt across her shoulders and framed her face and sparkling, horrified blue eyes.
"No! NO!" she shouted her hands came up to the side of her head as she shook it frantically. "NO! I'm not a girl! THIS ISN'T ME!"
"Sounds like someone's nervous," Nabiki teased, the other girls giggling in response.
"Oh don't be mean Nabiki, this is a big day for her," Kasumi chided gently.
"What the hell is going on! Why the hell am I wearing a wedding dress!" Ranma demanded, trembling with fear and rage. "I want answers now!"
Nodoka tilted her head slightly. "But, honey…it's your wedding day…"
Ranma gawked at her mother like she was crazy. "I'm a guy! I aint getting married like this!"
Her mother gave her a patient look. "Honey, I know you're a tomboy, but today's your wedding day. It's ok to be girly today."
"I-AM-A-GUY!" she screamed, tears of frustration springing to her eyes.
Nodoka sighed tolerantly. "Dear, I think I know what sex the child I gave birth to is. Now stop this silliness, you're gonna ruin your makeup."
Oh god, Ranma moaned inwardly in horror, she was wearing makeup! She could feel it on her face and smelt it over the perfume.
The gathered women stared at her as if she was having a mental breakdown. Maybe she was. She was too frightened and confused, too panicked to think straight. Her heart was pounding so hard that it felt like a herd of wilder beasts was trampling her chest, crushing her sanity.
They all turned around at an intrusive knock at the door. A person stuck their head in through the door and Ranma nearly screamed in disbelief..
She was staring at herself!
Her male self!
The male Ranma cocked an eyebrow. "Is my little sister ready yet or what? Everyone's getting restless…"
"NO!"
Ranma shot up in bed with a strangled terrified cry, staring wide eyed around the room and shaking like a leaf. Adrenalin surging through her body making her blood feel like it was on fire. It was a while before she realized that she was in her room, safe and sound. That it had all been a nightmare and that everything she'd seen wasn't real. Not that that helped to calm her already shaken nerves. She stared down at her trembling hands, like they belonged to another person, on the verge of hyper ventilating.
"What the hell was that!
There was nausea swirling around in the pit of her stomach and the urge to throw up was strong. It had felt so real. The warmth of the room, the sounds and smell, the heavy scent of the perfume and the feel of the makeup…It made her shudder violently and screw up her face in disgust.
A red lock of hair fell across her eyes suddenly.
She frowned and reached behind her head and felt for her pig tail, but instead all she felt was a mass of hair falling down below her shoulders. She glanced behind her and saw the string she used to tie her hair up with, broken in two pieces on the pillow. She sighed, realizing she must have been tossing and turning roughly enough to have broken the string in her sleep.
"Great, now I gotta find something else to use," she grumbled.
It wasn't a big problem of course. Compared to everything else that had happened it was a very small matter, an inconvenience that could be rectify quick and easily. The last thing she wanted at the moment though was looking even more feminine.
She slumped backwards in the bed, letting an exasperated whoosh of air from her lungs as she did, sinking into the softness of the mattress. It still felt odd to be sleeping in an actual bed. All her life had been spent sleeping on futons or in sleeping bags. She was use to hard floors, not soft beds. But it was comfortable she had to admit, and nice and warm, more so then just a futon and a thin sheet.
Ranma was the first to admit that she had adjusted well to living with her mother in the last week that she had been living here. It had been quiet and she didn't feel the same pressure she had when living with the Tendo's where everyone was tip toeing around her like she was a piece of glass that would shatter without warning. It wasn't that her mother wasn't worried about her; she was, but her mother didn't treat her like she was going to break and kept her busy without overwhelming her. It didn't keep her mind off anything - nothing could - but it helped to give her something to do rather then sit around moping or working her frustration out on innocent training dummies. Her mother had even taken to having Ranma help out in the kitchen. Something she found she didn't mind that much. She had proven before to her mother and Akane - though a bitter victory in itself – that she was quiet good at cooking if she wanted to be.
Her mother explained that it didn't hurt for her to know how to cook properly if she was home alone, or for when she inevitably moved out and went to university; something Ranma wasn't overly keen about, but she didn't think this was the time to argue with her mother about something like that. After all, what did she need with an education? She was a martial artist. She had probably taken that many blows to the head - especially while growing up - that she would never be smart enough to get into university and what would she study even if she did? It wasn't as if she was good at anything other then fighting.
She honestly didn't understand how she had made it through school this long.
But then again, it was Furinkan High. It wasn't exactly filled with the brightest bunch of people she had ever met so the standards weren't that high to live up to.
With the exception of Nabiki, she conceded quickly.
Frankly she was just happy to finally be getting to know her mother better and she wasn't going to jeopardize that just yet over something as silly as school.
The red head glanced at the clock, sighed and forced herself up, deciding that she couldn't stay in bed all day. She grabbed a change of clothes and went to the bathroom, doused herself with the bucket of cold water and hopped in the western style shower her mother had had installed in the otherwise traditional style Japanese bathroom. It was quicker and easier.
When she was done she changed into her clean clothes - a long sleeved pale blue Chinese silk top similar to what she use to wear, and a pair of black slacks - and headed down stairs, already aware of the mouth watering smells emanating from the kitchen. She was ready to chow down.
Ranma yawned as she rounded the corner into the kitchen. "Hmmm…that smells goo-"
What she wasn't ready for, was to find Ukyo laughing and chatting away to her mother like they were old friends and eagerly helping to make breakfast. She suddenly felt more awake and continued to stare in surprise, wondering what the other girl was doing here. Part of her having long ago developed an instinctive wariness of Ukyo, Shampoo and Kodachi, or rather of the schemes they concocted to get her to marry them. Her wariness of Ukyo was no where near as strong as it was of the other two; especially Kodachi. Ukyo was still her Uuchan though, still her best friend from her piss weak excuse for a childhood and she trusted the chef more then she trusted the crazy Chinese girl or the insane Gymnast girl.
Ranma shook her so slightly that it barely seemed to move. She reminded herself that things had changed now. Ukyo couldn't still be looking to marry her. She was probably just here to check up on her like good friends did.
She forced herself to relax.
She was always amazed when she watched Ukyo work. The girl was so at home in the kitchen and had turned cooking into an art form all in its own. Even Shampoo, who used it more as a means to an end then anything else wasn't the master that Ukyo was; even if she did only specialize in Okonomiyaki, it was obvious that that wasn't the extent of her ability.
"Oh! Good morning honey." Nodoka smiled as she turned and noticed Ranma standing there.
Ukyo grinned. "I thought I was gonna have to come up there and drag your fanny out of bed myself sugar."
Ranma couldn't help but smile.
"I didn't realize you had so much hair," the other girl added as she stared at the mass of red locks. "It looks good like that; you should keep it like that."
"No," Ranma replied flatly. "I just need a new tie, the old one broke in my sleep."
"It won't hurt to let it down for a while. It's not good for your hair to keep it in that pig tail all the time," her mother explained reasonably.
Ranma was reluctant to admit that it did feel a slight more comfortable then when it was platted tightly. She rarely ever noticed it because she was so use to it always being in the pig tail, but now that it wasn't, she could feel the dramatic difference.
"Your friend was telling me about some of your adventures. Many you've never mentioned before," her mother added suddenly with an amused smile.
Ranma blanched, horrified at the implication of that. There were so many things she hadn't told her mother about her 'adventures' simply because they were too embarrassing and involved her using her girl form to get what she wanted or to win a fight. She was thinking of the numerous times she had used this form against Ryoga and any number of other fighters that were easily distracted by her…eh…assets. She never felt remorse at using her girl form that way, after all she had been taught to take advantage of any weakness her opponents might have.
Her girl form had just been another tool.
Those weren't things she necessarily wanted her mother knowing though. Mainly because she was afraid her mother might start to get certain ideas in her head that didn't bode well for herself.
"You need to get Akane to tell you about the time Ranma thought she was a girl," Ukyo told the older woman suddenly.
"UKYO!" Ranma cried in alarm, her face going bright red.
The two of them laughed at the sight of her as they went bout serving breakfast and moved the conversation into dining room where they knelt at the low sitting table.
Ranma fumed in embarrassment. She didn't even remember that incident, although Nabiki had taken plenty of photos and used them as blackmail. She was just thankful that it had only been for a day and that nothing truly embarrassing had come of that incident other then acting like a girl. It made her shudder, thinking that were it not for Akane's violent nature, she would have been living the rest of her life as a pacifist girly housewife.
"Then there was the koi rod-"
"UKYO!" Ranma snapped. "We all agreed we would never bring that up ever again!"
The other girl pouted. "No, you agreed never to speak about it again Ran-chan. Nabiki on the other hand didn't."
Ranma wanted to crawl into a hole and die as her supposed friend told her mother about one of the most embarrassing and horrifying moments in her life, and unfortunately she remembered every moment of it. What made it so bad was that she magic of the koi rod had made her love that bastard. It had warped her perception and toyed with her emotions and turned her into a love crazy teenager that would have done anything for him! She had been more single minded then any of her fiancée's had ever been.
It still made her sick thinking about it.
Her mother on the other hand was laughing so hard she had almost had tears in her eyes. Ranma glared daggers at Ukyo, who merely stuck her tongue out playfully. The red head was tempted to reach over and catch the offending muscle with her chop sticks.
Silently she promised Nabiki would pay for selling that story.
"Oh my," Nodoka said finally, pausing to catch her breath before turning to look at Ranma. "I'm sorry dear, I shouldn't laugh. But, it seems that it was only a matter of a time, before something like this happened to you with everything you've been through and had happened to you since becoming cursed."
Ranma grumbled in reply.
She had come to the same conclusion days ago.
Fate was a cruel and merciless bitch.
Despite the embarrassment, she found herself enjoying the situation.
Ukyo made her feel as if nothing had really changed, and put her somewhat at ease. Had this been breakfast, or any other meal at the Tendo's right now, they would have been trying not to make eye contact when glancing at her. Most of all they would have been trying not to anger her.
Ukyo though was more concerned with treating her like she normally would.
She appreciated that Akane and the others thought they were doing the right thing by her and trying not to upset her, but it only served to remind her even more that things were different.
She found this…peaceful…
"She was very impressive when she was fighting to be Prince Tomma's bride," Ukyo explained casually, a new grin tugging at the corners of her lips.
Ranma choked on her food. She coughed and spluttered violently, pounding on her chest as she tried to get the lump in her throat to go down, before draining her glass of juice. Memories of her nightmare came flooding back to her in a horrible rush, filling her head with images of herself in the wedding dress.
"I was not fighting for that!" she exclaimed, slamming her hand down on the table. "I was fighting for the rest of you and that stupid water!"
"Was this prince cute?" Nodoka asked, ignoring the red head's outburst.
"I suppose, for a little sprout," the Okonomiyaki chef shrugged.
"I had no idea you preferred younger boys" her mother teased as she swung her gaze back to Ranma.
"MOM!" Ranma pleaded desperately, as both the older woman and Ukyo laughed, much to her despair. "That's not funny!"
She had changed her mind.
This was worse then having everyone tip toeing around her.
At least the others were too scared of her to make silly jokes like this. She was more shocked by her mother's actions. The woman was normally so reserved that it was strange to see her joking around like a normal person. She suddenly had an idea of what her mother was like as a teenager. Or, what her life would have been like if Ukyo had ended up being her wife.
Nodoka patted her hand gently upon seeing the distressed look in Ranma's eyes.
"I'm sorry dear, I shouldn't tease like that," her mother replied apologetically.
Her mother was sincere enough, but it was obvious that she was still amused and enjoying herself.
Ranma sighed inwardly, suddenly realizing that these were the things her mother had missed out on while she was growing up, and not just because her father had taken her away to train her in the arts, but also because she had been born male. This was the kind of thing she realized that her mother was never going to be able to enjoy before she had become stuck this way. Her mother was sympathetic to her situation, but Ranma wasn't completely stupid, she knew there had to be some part of her mother that was over joyed at suddenly having a daughter.
At least in some form.
This was going to be a problem the red head realized, if her mother expected her to start acting like a daughter as well.
Her mother had been patient and understanding enough with her though that she felt that perhaps she could afford her mother that indulgence once in a while. It certainly wouldn't kill her and she had made greater compromises in the past. She owed her mother that much at least.
She sighed again. "S'ok mom, I know you didn't mean it."
Ukyo was less remorseful as she continued to laugh at her expense.
...
...
...
Ranma hadn't left the 'safety' of her mother's home – she still couldn't convince herself to think of it as her own home to – since the night she had left the Tendo's. And, it was only at the insistence of her mother and Ukyo that she had. Both of them had decided she needed some fresh air – something Ranma pointed out she could get quite easily from the back yard, but her mother wouldn't hear it – and her ex-fiancée damn near yanked her arm out of the socket dragging her out the door. Inevitably, they had ended up at the park.
It felt strange to be out walking around in the light of day. People passed by without paying much attention to her, but she couldn't shake the paranoid feeling that everyone was staring at her; like they knew she was a freak. She even though a couple of times that some of them had been laughing at her.
It was all in her mind, that was certain, and she knew it.
They don't even know who you are, you idiot!
Ranma sighed, wondering if this was what her life was going to be like. Paranoid and suspicious of everything and everyone?
She remembered feeling this way once before, back when she had first been cursed. It had felt like everyone knew what she was when she was in her girl form and wanted to laugh at her. As much as she had hated her curse, the red head had managed to overcome that and used her father's philosophy that anything could be turned into training or used as a tool to turn her female form into exactly that.
Could she do that again though?
Her friends and family seemed to think she could, if she wanted to that was. But, the very idea of learning to adjust to this new life made her skin crawl.
"You ok Ran-chan? You look like you're somewhere else." There was concern in the chef's eyes as she stared intently at the red head.
Ranma nodded slowly. "Yeah…I was just thinking about when I was cursed is all. Was thinking about how I dealt with it…"
"And how are you doing?" Ukyo asked delicately.
Ranma paused and sat down on a park bench. "I don't know Uuchan… Sometimes I feel almost normal, like nothing happened and I start to think that maybe I can get through it…And, then the gravity of my situation comes crashing down on me and I start to think that I wish the Guardian had just killed me…"
Alarm flashed across the other girl's eyes. "You don't mean that Ranma! I know you're in pain, but you just need time to get used to everything that's happened, that's all."
Kasumi had told her as much as well, Ranma remembered idly.
What was the point of grieving the loss of her real body if she wasn't allowed to dwell on the moments when she wished she had died. Wasn't that part of grieving? To face the negative aspects of a tragic moment that turns your world upside down so you can eventually focus putting them behind yourself and moving forward. How could she be expected to deal with her pain, if everyone wanted her to deny the darkest aspects of it? It was not as if she liked the idea of death, it terrified her…
She resisted the urge to growl in frustration. She felt like a little kid learning about the world all over again, but from a new perspective.
"Ranma?"
She turned to stare at the eyes of her ex-fiancée and saw the worry and fear swimming in them. Not a fear of her certainly, but a fear for her well being, her safety. The fear of someone worried about a close friend, and wanting to do something to help and not knowing what. She offered the girl a smile. A forced and small one that didn't even come close to reaching her eyes, but a smile all the same.
"I'm sorry Ukyo," she rubbed her eyes tiredly. "I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. I'm so tired of all this."
She felt the other girl's hand rest gently on her shoulder, reassurance and sympathy radiating from that touch. Before everything of late that had taken place, Ranma couldn't remember the last time she had been truly comforted by a friend, by anyone. She would have been young, a small child probably. But, at some point her father's teachings had taken hold and she started to think in ways he had wanted her to. She had thought that any admittance of weakness, physical or emotional was unbecoming of the heir of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts.
It wasn't manly.
Ranma fought the brief surge of anger that flashed through her. Her fathers teachings had affected every facet of her life. His teachings and his overblown sense of what made a man a man. How long had she listened to his dribble for? How much of her life had been warped by his narrow sighted view. Even now she remembered his rants about how girls and women were weak compared to men.
The stupid fool.
"I hate him so much!" she murmured through clenched teeth. "Maybe if I was anyone else I might not be having such a hard time with all this. But no, I was raised by that bastard…"
Ukyo frowned. "Ranma I'm the first person to admit that your father is a jack ass. He ruined my life when you two ran off with my fathers Okonomiyaki cart. But, he did raise you Sugar. He turned you into a martial artist of unparrelled ability. You may hate him now, and I know he's done some horrible things in his time, but he raised you right didn't he? You were raised to be a good person, surely you have to be grateful to him for that?"
"By that same reasoning you should be grateful he stole your cart, otherwise you wouldn't have become the fighter you are now," the red head replied bitterly.
"You don't know that. I could have become even stronger if he had take me with you," the other girl shrugged.
"And I could have become a better person if I was raised by dogs!" the malice in Ranma's words were unmistakeable and she made no effort to disguise them. "The problem is we'll never know now will we?"
"That's pretty harsh Ran-chan," Ukyo's words were quiet, and soft.
"The truth usually is…" Ranma stared bitterly at the ground.
That's good, wallow some more in your self pity.
She sighed inwardly, the voice in her head was starting to become irritating.
Ukyo spoke after a long silence, her voice tender and cautious. "I know you're having a hard time with all this Ranma, but in all honesty it could have been worse."
"Oh please Ukyo, tell me. HOW, could this be any worse?" Ranma almost laughed at the absurdity of her friend's statement.
Ukyo gave her a hard look. "You could have let Ryoga die, and become a greedy selfish bastard like the old goat…"
Ranma froze at her words, like a spear had been driven through her soul.
"Yeah, that's right sugar. For all the anger and hate you feel about what's happened to you, its nothing compared to the anger and hate you would feel for yourself if you had to live with yourself knowing you had to sacrifice someone's life to obtain your happiness. You would have had to live with the looks of disgust and mistrust that everyone would have given you. Could you have lived with that?" Ukyo gave her a penetrating stare that spoke volumes.
Ranma swung her gaze from the other girl, tearing her eyes away. Why was it that most women had the ability to cut through all the layers of bullshit surrounding an issue. Would she gain this ability in time?
"No," she replied sullenly. "That doesn't change anything though!"
"No it doesn't, but can't you take some level of peace from the knowledge that even faced with such a hard choice, you chose the right one. Can't that be enough for you?" Ukyo asked intently.
"Oh its enough," the red head replied sincerely.
"Then why are you being so stubborn about moving on? You won't let anyone help you!" Ukyo was getting exasperated.
"And why should I!" Ranma demanded angrily, jumping to her feet. "Who are you to judge me about being stubborn? You have no idea what I'm going through, you couldn't know! You make it sound so simple but you haven't got the faintest idea what its like. You never have. The first time you found out about my curse you treated me like a glorified toy! Don't you dare sit there and have the nerve to act like you know."
Ukyo stammered at this outburst, sensing the very real anger in the red heads tone, and aware of people pausing to stare.
"R-Ranma…please…I'm just trying to understand."
"Well stop trying! You can't understand!" she snapped. "The only way you could understand is if you jumped into a Jusenkyo spring and got trapped!"
Ukyo stared at her in shock, but Ranma ignored it. She was tired, and she was sick of everyone thinking they had the right bit of advice for her. She was sick of them trying to make her feel better. Oh sure she understood they were worried about her. They didn't want to see her hurting the way she was. She could even appreciate that and was thankful she had so many people that were so worried about her. But, she just wanted to be able to deal with this on her own, so why couldn't they just let her do that?
Because you're not dealing with it! You're hiding behind fear and anger rather then facing up to it!
She had to resist the overwhelming urge to tell herself to piss off…
"You're avoiding question," Ukyo continued finally, her tone soft and calm, but determined all the same. "Why are you being so resistant? It's almost like you want to be angry and depressed all the time. That's not the Ranma I know…"
"I'm stuck as a girl forever; I have a right to be depressed and angry for however long I want to be." Ranma frowned, crossing her arms in a huff.
Ukyo gently turned her around, forcing her to look her in the eye. "It's not as if this is the first time you've been faced with the prospect of being trapped forever Ranma, What about when you faced Herb? I know you clung on to the knowledge that there was a chance you could change back by getting the kettle. But, you knew there was a chance you couldn't defeat him either, that you would be stuck this way forever then. I don't want to be insensitive or upset you Ranma, I really don't, but I hate seeing you in pain too. You're my best friend. I know I can't understand what's happening to you, but I want to help you…every one does. We're all worried about you. Even Ryoga is, as much as you don't want to hear that. You can't keep running away from this. Please, you can confide in me Ranma."
Ranma felt her shoulders sag as she sighed; eyes half lidded with weariness.
"I'm scared…" the red head murmured.
"Well that much is obvious, but of what exactly?" Ukyo asked in exasperation, without losing that tender tone.
"Of losing myself damn it!" Ranma snapped, so suddenly that she scared herself into silence as she locked eyes with the other girl. She waited for the other girl to say something, but Ukyo just stared at her, waiting for her to continue. "I'm scare of losing myself ok…I'm scared…scared that I'm going to forget who I really am. I don't want to start acting like a girl…"
"Oh Ran-chan…" Ukyo said, finally understanding. "…I'm sorry, I should have realized. Just because your form is different doesn't mean you're going to become a different person. I know its not the same thing your going through but did realizing I wasn't a guy change who I am when you found out? Just because I acted like a guy and looked like one didn't change who I really was."
"You're right, it's not the same!" Ranma, wanted to scream in frustration. "You were still a girl under the binding wraps and guys clothing. I'm a guy trapped in a girl's body, with a girl's brain. I've always acted just that bit differently as a girl then as a guy. Don't tell me you've never noticed. I always did. I can't even begin to count the number of times I woke up in a cold sweat because of lingering thoughts from being in my girl form. It was worse when Cologne and Herb trapped me and took me even longer to get rid of it all completely. Then there was the time I hit my head on the rocks in the pond. I'm terrified that that's what I'm going to turn into!"
Without warning Ukyo slapped her across the face. She was left stunned by the attack and several people turned to stare again as Ukyo grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her lightly and frantically yelled. "Ranma Get a hold of yourself! You're gonna to start hyper ventilating!"
Ranma felt her cheek tentatively, feeling the stinging burn from the impact.
Ukyo let go of the red head suddenly, as if realizing she may have crossed the line. "Sorry…"
"No," Ranma shook her head slowly. "I'm sorry. I'm just so…stressed?"
"Don't be," Ukyo gave her. "But, Ran-chan, you're not going to turn in anything you don't want to turn into. You're the only person that can decide who you want to be. The blow to the head you took was an accident, that's all. As for how you used to act when you used your girl form… I will admit you acted more energetic then when you were in guy form, but I think that was part of you just letting go and having some fun for the first time in your life. As a guy you thought you had to act all cool and manly all the time, because of your father. When you could turn into a girl that gave you a way to vent all that pent up emotion. That doesn't mean you're going to become a different person."
"That's not comforting," the red head grumbled sullenly.
"My point is Ranma; you have nothing to be scared of. Yes, things have changed for you now, but you're not the type of person that compromises who they are just because they're scared. Think about everything you've been through. When did you ever give up just because you were faced with a hard situation? Did you roll over and take it when Cologne gave you the Full Body Cat's Tongue? Did you let Herb get away with trapping you with the ladle? Did you give up when Kirin kidnapped Akane or when Tomma took us all prisoner? Did you give up when Akane's life depended on you beating Saffron?" Ukyo was speaking with more urgency now, trying to spark a flame of determination in her ex-fiancée.
And Ranma did feel that familiar sensation stirring within her. The sensation of an emotion that had always driven her to fight the odds stacked against her.
"No…" she replied finally. "I didn't."
"Well now is no different sugar!" the other girl told her reassuringly. "This is just another challenge for you. I'm not saying it's the same as what you've faced before, but it is still a challenge that you have to overcome. You can overcome your fears, but only if you're willing to fight."
Ranma glanced hesitantly at the ground. She understood what Ukyo was saying, she even agreed with her. But conquering her fears meant accepting that she was going to be a girl forever. It frightened her more then it should have.
She swallowed nervously. "What if I do start acting like a girl Uuchan? Damn it! What if I start to like boys? What then?"
"Ranma you're worried about situations that most likely never going to happen," the other girl explained, starting to sound a little frustrated. "But ok, let's look at that, and I don't want to sound insensitive when I say this but; let's say you did suddenly like a boy that way. So what? The only person who is going to think its wrong is you. But, if you find someone that makes you happy and that someone happened to be a guy, why shouldn't you be able to experience that?"
"Because I'm a guy!" the red head growled.
The okonomiyaki chef sighed tapped the smaller girl on the forehead. "Only up here now."
"You would let me too, wouldn't you?" Ranma snapped accusingly.
Ukyo nodded seriously. "If I thought you were truly happy, yes I would. But, if I thought for one second that it was something you didn't want, that you were just doing it because you think you have to then I would put a stop to it. So would your mother, or Akane. Anyone of your friends. We don't want to see you hurt because of some misconception you have about girls. Just because you're a girl doesn't mean you have to like boys. But, on the other hand, it isn't wrong for you to like boys either. As long as you're happy, that's all that matters."
Damn, how could she argue against that, Ranma thought bitterly…
"Ranma, everything is black and white to you. You think just because you're a girl that it means you have to forget being a guy. It doesn't mean you have to like guys or act like a girl either. It isn't clear cut. There's a grey area too. You have so many absolute thoughts about gender for a seventeen year old. That isn't your fault though. I think we both know who's to blame for that," Ukyo sighed.
Ranma nodded darkly.
Ukyo gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Look I have to get back to the shop. You should go home and think about what we've talked about Ran-chan. Try to relax; If you keep stressing yourself out over things that might never happen you're never going to be able to deal with this. Don't be afraid to talk to one of us about what's going on. We want to be there to help you, but we can only do that if you let us…"
Ranma let a drawn out sigh escape from her lips. "Thank you Ukyo…I know you're just trying to help."
The red head stood and watched Ukyo hurry off, watching until she was out sight before her expression saddened once more.
Then she turned, and started home…
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The walk home felt like it took an eternity. Ranma didn't feel much like hurrying though. She dragged her feet, deep in thought as her conversation with Ukyo replayed over and over again in her head. She knew, with bitter certainty that it was going to plague her for a while to come. Surprisingly she didn't feel angry or agitated after having her brown haired friend pick at the issues she had with everything that had happened so far.
Maybe she was just too tired to be angry anymore.
Ukyo was right though. Nothing was as black and white as she thought it was. She was scared of phantom situations; things that might very well never happen. She was so scared that she was going to become something she didn't want to be that she wasn't even going to have a real future at this point. She just didn't want to admit it, because that would mean having to admit that she was just fooling herself.
She sighed as she walked in through the front door, slipping off her shoes while rubbing at the side of her head. She could feel a headache starting to come on. There were too many things running around in her head.
"Too much stressing," she thought as she walked into the living room.
Then all of a sudden Akane was in her face. "Ranma!"
The red head screamed and jumped backwards in fright.
Akane tilted her head in puzzlement. "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost."
Heart racing a hundred miles an hour, Ranma stared at the youngest Tendo in disbelief, trying to stop her body from trembling like a leaf. She was about to let loose an explosive string of curses and insults when it finally hit her, that it was Akane she was staring at. Like a candle being snuffed out, her anger and annoyance vanished in a flash and, left her staring silently at the other girl; And, then at the bruise on her cheek.
A lump of guilt formed in her throat.
Yeah…You did that, jerk…
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Nodoka listened intently as she prepared a plate of rice balls; packing them tightly as Kasumi told her about what had taken place since Ranma had come out of her comatose state. It wasn't that she didn't trust the red head, but she would be stupid to believe that Ranma's version of events wasn't biased.
She had been meaning to do this since the night she had 'banished' her husband from her home. But, she had wanted to do it while Ranma wasn't around and it had been harder then she thought it was going to be to get her out of the house long enough to even consider talking in peace and quiet with Kasumi. Ukyo had given her the opportunity at last.
The older woman smiled slightly.
That girl certainly was an outspoken one.
"I'm sorry Aunty Saotome; I tried to help Ranma as best I could." The young woman sighed in a defeated manner as she finished her tale.
Drawn from her thoughts, Nodoka put down the rice ball she was working on and turned to give the girl a steady, but reassuring stare. "Kasumi, you did an excellent job given the circumstances. You keep that house running despite all the craziness that goes on there; something that would overwhelm most people. Ranma has nothing but praise for you and told me that the talks she had with you helped her greatly. So please, don't think you didn't help her Kasumi, because you did."
"Thank you," Kasumi replied quietly.
Nodoka smiled in amusement. "Although I think you may have went little overboard replacing most of Ranma's clothes so readily."
The older Tendo girl blushed in embarrassment. "It didn't seem right for her to be running around in clothes that didn't fit her properly. I hope I didn't over step my bounds too much…"
It was difficult not to laugh. "Its fine dear, Ranma understands you were just trying to help. She would have needed new clothes eventually anyway."
That at least seemed to set the young woman at ease.
Nodoka found herself wondering what Kasumi's life would have been like had her mother not passed away. The girl had given up so much to take care of her family, to help raise her sisters and make sure everything stayed in good working order. Maybe it wasn't too late for her to do something with her life that she wanted to though. Her sisters were old enough that they could look after themselves - Nabiki especially and probably even more so - without Kasumi to 'mother' them. What would be left for her once the other two Tendo girls finished High school and went out into the world?
Nodoka made a mental note to talk about this with Soun.
She would naturally talk with Kasumi about this as well, but she knew the young woman would be more opened to the idea of considering more for herself if her father could give her the reassurance that everything would be fine without her. Kasumi's potential was such that Nodoka didn't want her wasting her life away.
"Tell me," she said finally. "What has my, darling, husband been up to?"
She saw brief flicker of anger in the otherwise placid gaze of the young woman. "Mr Saotome left the same night Ranma came here. His travel pack and belongings were gone as well. Father believes he left on a training journey of some sort."
"Good, with any luck he took my words to heart." Nodoka coldly went back to finishing the rest of the rice balls. "It will do Ranma well not to have that fool around for a while."
She thought they'd all be better off with him gone for the time being.
"Is Ranma still having trouble sleeping?" Kasumi asked.
She was.
Nodoka had taken to checking on the girl before going to bed. Every time she found Ranma tossing and turning, with her face twisted in anger and terror; sometimes crying out in her sleep. She had planned on talking to her about it, but she knew it was something Ranma wasn't ready to talk about just yet, if she even remembered having nightmares at all.
"Yes," she admitted finally.
Kasumi nodded and reached into her bag, pulling out a large sealed packet and handed it to her. "I was given this for Ranma, to help her sleep better."
Nodoka listened with interest as Kasumi explained about Cologne and the instructions for using the herbal remedy. She remembered hearing this woman mentioned in passing, often with mixed feelings of distrust and respect, especially from Ranma. If this remedy could help Ranma though, she was willing to trust the old Chinese woman.
Putting the packet aside, she gave the young woman a warm smile. "You are an impressive young woman Kasumi, thank you for everything you've done for Ranma. You mother would be so proud of you."
When the other girl's face lit up, she knew this was exactly what the young woman needed to hear…
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Ranma knelt opposite from Akane, silence sitting uncomfortably on top of them as they tried to avoid eye contact with each other. For Ranma she was trying to avoid staring at the fading bruise her ex-fiancée had tried to cover up with makeup. The red head felt horrible, realizing that if the bruise, bad as it looked now was still fading that it must have looked ten times worse before it had started to heal.
She could just imagine what everyone at school thought of her when they found out what she had done.
She screwed her eyes shut and inclined her head suddenly. "I'm sorry Akane! I'm sorry for everything!"
Akane stared in surprise. "Ranma you don't need to apologize for anything."
"Yes I do!" the red head insisted. "I'm sorry I hit you…you didn't deserve that…"
"It's ok Ranma," Akane said with a soft but reassuring smile, before deciding to change the topic. "You know, everyone at school has been asking about you. They want to know when you're coming back."
Ranma stiffened noticeably, and then looked away. "I'm not going back."
"But you have to! You can't just drop out like that!" Akane exclaimed in shock.
Ranma gave her a hard look "Why not?"
"Because I said…"
Ranma flinched and looked up as her mother walked in with a plate of rice balls, followed by Kasumi with cups of tea. The red head swallowed nervously at the stern look in her mother's eyes, remembering all to well the anger her mother had shown almost a week ago in the confrontation with Genma. She said nothing as the older woman and Kasumi sat down on either side of Akane, aware that this was not going to go well for her.
She shook her head and mustered up a scrap of courage and defiance. "I can't go back to school like thi-"
"You can't keep running away from everyone just because you're scared of what they might say or think," her mother cut her off. "I won't have you hiding behind fear for the rest of your life dear; its time you started to accept what's happened to you and move on from here. I know its not as easy as that, and that it'll take you time, but you're not going to be able to until you start, otherwise your fear will consume you and you'll become your father."
Ranma felt her face heat up with a flush of anger. "I am nothing like him."
"Then prove it,' Nodoka stared at her challengingly.
"If I go back I'll have to wear a dress, and I aint wearing no dress!" Ranma protested, crossing her arms in front of her chest defiantly.
"Ranma, you never wore the boy's uniform, why do you think you'll have to wear the girls uniform?" Akane pointed out with a frowned. "And Ukyo's a girl and she doesn't wear the girl's uniform either."
The red head gave the youngest Tendo a cold stare that told her she didn't want her help, but she knew the girl was right. She didn't have to wear the uniform if she didn't want to, she was just afraid of confronting everyone.
"Akane's right," Nodoka nodded. "It isn't very respectful, but these are special circumstances. I wont force you to wear the uniform, but you are going back to school Ranma and that's final. Your father shirked your education your entire life, so you're going to make the best of High school while you still can."
Ranma hung her head in defeat, groaning with the knowledge that the final nail in her coffin had just been hammered in place. Her mother would not be denied and she wasn't going to win this argument, not unless she could come with one hell of a reason. Her mother was too old fashion to let her get out of school. She though she should probably be thankful to her father that he had never been that worried about school while she was growing up. Her training had been the first and foremost important aspect of her life, everything else was just a distraction.
Akane came around the table and patted her on the shoulder. "It'll be fine. And, if someone makes fun of you, just pummel them!'
Ranma laughed, despite herself.
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Later that night Ranma sat on the back porch; listening to clack of a bamboo pipe smacking against rock as it filled with water, dumped it and flipped up again to collect more. Akane and Kasumi had gone home a while ago and Ranma had been left to her thoughts. Nodoka thought it was best to let her 'daughter' mull over the idea of going back to school for a while. She was worried about pushing the girl faster then she was ready, but it was time for her to start getting use to her new life and she wasn't going to do that, the older woman realized unless she was pushed to. If she didn't start now after all, it was just going to get harder and harder.
Her child's reluctance to adjust was starting to test her patience though.
Nodoka walked up beside Ranma, tucked the folds of her kimono behind her and gracefully sat next to the young red head.
"Dear, we need to talk," she told her calmly.
Ranma sighed. "I know…"
"I want you to understand honey that I'm not going to try and make you into the perfect definition of a girl. I'm not going to try and make you wear dresses or anything like that. If you had been born a girl it would be a different story, but I know who you are inside and I'm not going to try and change you. I'm not going to try and make you into a housewife ok? I want you to understand that," she explained, wanting to put that fear to ease in her child, knowing that if she didn't it would only drive a wedge between them.
The red head nodded slowly.
"However," she started, pausing as she saw the grimace shoot across Ranma's eyes. "I expect you to start being a bit more cooperative in return from now on. I know you're going through a lot. You have been through a lot. You're scared and that's ok, but you need to move on and learn to adjust."
"I understand." Ranma sighed quietly, reluctance in her tone.
She looked at the girl with a puzzled frown. "Why are you so resistant to the idea of adjusting Ranma? Every time it's brought up, you get all quiet. I'm just trying to understand so I can help you through this, but I can't do that unless you trust me. So please dear, tell me what it is, aside from the obvious that's bothering you?"
"You want me to adjust to life as a girl. Ukyo and I had a similar conversation earlier," Ranma explained. "And I'm afraid that I'll be able to adjust too well, and that means I have to face the fact that I can have a future, but I can't or don't want to imagine what kind of future I might have. And is there any point to continuing my training? The Saotome Anything Goes School of Martial Arts will end with me and the Saotome legacy along with it. There won't be anyone to carry on the school, so what's the point?"
"You don't want children?" Nodoka asked, slightly shocked.
Ranma looked slightly sick at the mention of it. "Of course I wanted kids one day. But, I wanted to be a father. I don't want to have kids as a girl and there's no way I'm doing…that, as a girl. No way. No how. It makes me sick just thinking about it, and you can't honestly expect that of me either."
"No…You're right," Nodoka admitted with a sigh of disappointment. "I was really looking forward to having grandchildren…Are you sure you won't think about it?"
"No!" Ranma frowned defiantly.
Nodoka frowned as well.
They sat in uncomfortable silence for a long time, the conversation going to a place they hadn't expected it to go, but one they both realize needed to be gotten out of the way. Nodoka couldn't say she was happy; she had always dreamt about having lots of grandchildren to dote upon and Ranma's current situation hadn't even occurred to her. But, she reminded herself, her child was still trying to deal with the idea of being a girl at all, and that trying to push her too far at this point would end horribly. Concepts that seemed terrifying and out of the question to the red head now, she might some day have a change of heart about. Nodoka just needed to be patient.
So she pushed the sudden fears she had to the back of her mind, and climbed to her feet. "Follow me Ranma; I have something I want to show you."
Ranma stared warily, the conversation having set her on edge, but she followed regardless.
"I meant to show this to you sooner, but I thought it best to let you settle in first," she explained as they walked around the side of the house, following a stone path.
Beside the house was a smaller structure and upon seeing it, she heard Ranma gasp in realization. Nodoka stepped up to the door of the building and slid it open, gesturing for her daughter to go in first, before stepping in after her. The building was a dojo, roughly the same size as the Tendo's, and with numerous weapons that ranged from katanas to naginatas and bo staffs to sai's and many more mounted on shelves and on racks.
She smiled at the reaction on her child's face; the term, kid in a candy store springing to mind as she watched the red head turn back and forth in wonder.
"It's your's dear. I had it built for you and your father to train in once we all moved back in together. I thought it would be a good for the two of you to have a place where you could train in peace without disturbing the neighbours," she explained. "Keep in mind though that it's your responsibility Ranma. You're responsible for keeping it well maintained and the equipment in working order and for cleaning the weapons. Look after it."
"I will…But how can we afford this?" Ranma could barely think.
Nodoka shrugged. "Money isn't exactly a problem for my family dear. When I explained to your grandfather my reasoning, he agreed that this was something you would benefit from."
Ranma whirled around, shock in her eyes as they threatened to pop out of her head. "I…have a grandfather?"
Nodoka nodded, stifling a laugh at the girl's reaction. "Yes dear, and a grandmother. You'll meet them one day. Probably one day soon at that. I'm sorry; I keep forgetting that your father never told you anything about your family. There's so much you don't know yet, but I promise you, you will find out about it all in good time."
She gave Ranma a few minutes to let it all sink in.
There was so much she wanted to tell her child, but now wasn't the right time. She wasn't sure how much the girl could handle in one go.
Finally she walked over and gently placed a hand on her child's shoulder.
"A legacy isn't in a name, Ranma. A legacy is left in the hearts and minds of those you affect around you, those that will remember it and continued to tell your story," she explained. "You can do great things; you have done great things and triumphed time and time again. You have shown true, unwavering courage in protecting the lives of your friends when you've had to, and even when you didn't. You're legacy will continue on for a long time Ranma, that is a fact."
She paused to read the expression on the girl's face, seeing the look of acceptance in the bright blue eyes.
"But please, I want you to keep an open mind about what kind of future you can have. Don't discount every possibility you have just because you're afraid of compromising who you are, because your life can be so full and rewarding if you just have an open mind and that doesn't mean giving up who you are inside. Who you are inside, is forever and regardless of your gender. You won't lose yourself," she explained with more intensity then she had intended. She smiled reassuringly. "Just be you…"
Ranma took a deep breath, and nodded slowly. "I'll try…"
To Be Continued