False Starts
Leon picked his way through the mess of drunken students and tried his best to ignore the fact that most of them were underage. It was hard for him, being the stickler for the rules that he was, but he wasn't here for that – not in that capacity at least – and he continued scanning the room for his true reason for turning up tonight.
He found him sat on the bottom of a flight of stairs that lead up to the toilets, talking with a pretty brunette girl, hand curled round a bottle of beer and his cheeks ruddy from alcohol. His expression was light and full of laughter as he and the girl shared a private joke and bowed their heads conspiratorially.
Leon's heart hammered painfully in his chest a few times before he managed to school himself and settled his normally taciturn frown back in place. He approached the blond, clearing his throat which could only just be heard over the music and the shouts of everyone having a good time. It had been such a long time since Leon had set foot in a bar, let alone one full of students.
Cloud glanced up at him and had to do a double take, standing abruptly he caught his beer as it nearly slipped free; rubbing the palm of his hand against his thigh to remove the foaming residue before sticking it out awkwardly in an offer of a handshake that wasn't really necessary.
"Professor!" he exclaimed, and Leon wasn't sure whether Cloud was uncomfortable at being approached by his teacher or being caught drinking. (Even though he was twenty two and quite within his rights to drink whatever the hell he wanted.) "I didn't think you'd come." Cloud confessed sounding pleased, slurring his speech slightly and Leon thought it had more to do with drink than nervousness, though he couldn't be sure.
"You convinced me." Leon said simply, taking Cloud's hand and even though it was cold and a little wet from the beer bottle he still felt that spark and tug – the one that he couldn't explain or pull away from – ignite in his skin and draw him a little closer than was normal.
They held each other's stare for a heartbeat too long and the air become uncomfortable, the pretty brunette clearing her throat to end the awkward connection.
"Uh, Professor, this is Aerith. She's a Phycology major." Cloud introduced his friend, pulling his hand out of Leon's grasp. The older man immediately regretted the loss.
The woman smiled politely and extended her hand and it was only then that Leon cut his eyes away from the blond, accepting her introduction and reminded himself that he was supposed to be engaging in conversation, because, well, this was a party.
"A pleasure to meet you. You must be studying with Kramer." He said rather stiffly, aware that his more than rusty social skills were getting ridiculously out of hand.
"That's right. She's amazing, do you know her?"
The question was meant as a conversation starter but after a few more faltering words, Leon dried up. For a man who had majored in English, and now taught it, the brunet was as ineloquent as they came. He was saved from death-by-awkward-silence when Aerith excused herself and it was just himself and Cloud; once again that curious and disorientating pull enshrouding them and somehow making their long silences more bearable.
"Would you like a drink?" Cloud offered at last.
Leon was about to decline when he considered where they were and thought better of it. He knew perfectly well he was odd enough without adding to it.
"Umm, sure." He replied, following Cloud to the bar. "Just a beer thanks." He added thinking of his car parked outside.
When the blond ordered two beers and collected them without paying, Leon lifted an eyebrow.
"Shouldn't you pay for those?" he asked, worried.
"Huh?" Cloud asked him clearly confused, making Leon confused, which in turn made his cheeks heat from embarrassment and then his thudding heart turn sharp with anger. He knew he was making a fool of himself somehow.
"The beers, I mean. You didn't pay for them." The awkward and stupid question hung between them and all Leon wanted to do was stuff the stupid words back into his mouth and pretend like he had never even bothered trying to make conversation.
Seconds later Cloud's face cleared and he smiled; a cute crooked turning of his lips and for some reason it only embarrassed Leon more.
"Nah, it's cool. My friend owns this bar. I have a tab." He explained handing Leon his beer, that wry little smile still tugging at the corner of his mouth like he knew exactly how much Leon was dying inside.
The older man just nodded his head and wisely decided to shut the hell up. He followed the blond through the push and shove of the crowd until they were secreted away in an alcove behind the flight of stairs, a rickety table propped up with beer mats between them.
"I'm really pleased you came tonight." Cloud said.
The words made Leon's chest tighten and his skin flush. He hoped it wasn't noticeable in the dim light and he swallowed thickly, nodding his head curtly. He knew he should say something back, it was his turn to speak after all but he found his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth. It was thick and rubbery and he couldn't make it work the way he wanted it to so he took a quick swig of his beer and hoped it would do the trick.
He found that talking with Cloud required many beers and after a few hours - which he was surprised to find had passed by in what felt like seconds - he realised he was quite drunk and their conversation had become easier.
He could feel his heated cheeks and the light buzz in his skull, and worst of all a faint giddy feeling rising in his chest when he realised that he and Cloud had been talking animatedly for nearly the entire time. The conversation came to a natural lull and he took a moment to consider in amazement at how smart Cloud was. Leon couldn't remember the last time he'd had such an interesting conversation with someone who actually knew what the fuck they were on about. He registered that coiling, flipping, gurgling feeling in his stomach and he knew then, without a shadow of a doubt that he was hooked - line and sinker.
It was only the beer that was stopping him from actually freaking out about that fact.
Leon could tell he wasn't the only one surprised to find out he actually had a sense of humour buried under all of his dark looks and frosty edges. It had been such a long time since anything had made him laugh that he'd almost forgotten how to do it. But the way Cloud talked, his humour so dry and witty, he couldn't help the chuckle of laughter that rose from him like champagne bubbles, making his shoulders shake and his face hurt from smiling so much.
The way Cloud had looked at him the first time he cracked a smile - the first time that throaty little chuckle rose above the din of the bar - made that warm glow in the centre of Leon's chest burst outwards and heat the rest of him. He'd never been looked at like that before. Ever.
"So you live here?" He asked gesturing around the bar and noticing the thinning crowd which had dwindled considerably.
"Yeah, I have an apartment up on the third floor. It's not much but Tifa lets me have it for next to nothing which is handy considering I'm broke now I'm back in school."
"Why'd you drop out in the first place?" Leon only briefly registered that it was kind of a blunt question before he watched Cloud's face fall slightly. The blond ducked his head and began picking at the label stuck to his beer.
"My mom passed away. I had to go home to take care of things. I guess… I just had to get my head right before I came back." He replied, trying his best to keep the conversation light.
"Was there no one else that could have taken care of it for you?"
When Cloud looked at him like he'd grown a second head, Leon began to think that maybe the lack of a maternal figure in his own life had affected him more than he had realised.
"No. I'm an only child and I've no idea where my dad is." The blond replied rather curtly.
And just like that, all of those warm feelings that had been causing Leon's head to spin disappeared and he was left feeling heated by mortification instead. He had clearly struck a chord somewhere and not for the first time Leon cursed his own social ineptness for not realising what he'd done.
Silence descended between them and it sat awkwardly and obvious, making the seconds feel like they were crawling by.
Once again, Leon was saved from his own tactlessness by Cloud, who cleared his throat, straightened his shoulders and seemed to brush the incident off like nothing had happened.
"I gotta say though, I'm kinda enjoying it better now. Taking that time out to think about what I wanted to do really helped. I never would have picked your class if I hadn't." He said with a bright smile which made Leon feel all the more guilty. He found himself smiling back affectionately.
"You seem to know your stuff without my help." Leon commented, honestly meaning every word. He was starting to wonder what it was he could possibly teach this kid.
"I read a lot." Cloud offered by way of explanation and Leon figured as much. "You should see my apartment; you can't see the floor for half the crap I've got up there."
"I'd like to see that." Leon said the words before he'd even realised he'd thought them in his head; his unconscious desire to see where Cloud ate and slept obviously brought to the fore by his drink addled mind and lack of a brain filter. Cloud's bright red face would have been comical, had Leon been in a position to appreciate it.
"You... You want to see my apartment?"
And well, Leon was invested now. He'd said the words and he had made such a fool of himself already this evening he couldn't bring himself to try and clumsily dig himself out of another proverbial hole so he nodded awkwardly, like he'd meant to say it all along and hoped to Hyne that the young blond man wouldn't see through his pathetic bluff.
"Sure, uh... Okay. I guess, umm. Would you... How bout now?" Cloud's stumbling words came stuttering out, the air between them suddenly tense with unnameable friction and Leon had to try and swallow round his suddenly too dry throat that no amount of beers would be able to quench.
"Sure." He managed to squeak out. He had to hand it to himself, he was impressed he'd managed that much.
And it was how he found himself slipping past the bar and into the service alley, following his young student on shaky drunken legs through the drayman's door and up a flight of wooden stairs that passed the first floor landing, and then continued on up into an open plan apartment. There was no front door to Cloud's home, only an intercom and the large open staircase that swirled all the way to the bottom which made Leon feel dizzy when he looked down.
The apartment itself was large and lofty. A kitchen area, a bed, a desk and a bookshelf the only pieces of large furniture in the room with what looked like a bathroom over in the far corner. Three large sash windows would bathe the room in sunlight during the summer and one of them stood open, letting in the frosty November chill.
Now, with the noise and cover of the bar far below them, a ringing silence seemed to peel between them that was deafening for the absence of sound.
Leon watched Cloud move off into his apartment, flicking on lamps and shuffling books and papers here and there, none of it actually helping the fact that it really was kind of a mess.
"It's nothing great. It's kinda weird that the kitchens just over there from the bed and there's no sofa, but it's alright I guess. I get by." Cloud tried to fill the temporary lull with his light chatter, scratching the back of his head as he turned about his apartment and all Leon could think was that he was actually in Cloud's home.
He was on the brink of stepping over some line he hadn't even realised he'd approached but there he was, charging towards it at speed and he had no idea how to stop. He figured he was already way past the point of no return any way. He was in over his head and none of this was appropriate but for some reason he couldn't make his feet move or his mouth work. He knew he needed to leave, but he didn't want to and for the first time in his professional career - for the first time in his entire life - he was going against his better judgment.
"It's nice. I like that it's different." He commented walking over to the bookshelf and browsed the collection. "You have a first addition Charles Dickens." Leon said, more than a little impressed. He picked the book up and reverently held it in his hands, turning it this way and that to allow the faded gilt lettering on the cover to catch in the vapid light. He felt Cloud come to stand by his side and he had to suppress a shiver.
"Yeah, Great Expectations. It belonged to my mom's mom's mom or something like that. To be honest, it wasn't all I hoped it would be."
Leon's puzzlement and confused frown dissolved a moment later as he looked up and caught sight of Cloud's cheesy grin, that stiff and ominous tension melting away as they both fell into easy laughter at the terrible pun. It fizzled and petered out until once again there was nothing but a long and intense silence and a look that should have ended long ago.
Cloud was the first to lean in, Leon had been sure of it. There had been space and air and tension crackling between them and then all of a sudden there was nothing; the distance between them eaten up as Leon's arms and mouth were all at once full of Cloud.
He felt fingers in his hair, tugging and pulling and a sharp jabbing pain in his back as he was pushed up against the bookshelf and he had to breathe in sharply through his nose because no matter how much he badly needed air right then, there was no way he wanted to stop kissing Cloud.
The first edition had fallen from his hands and landed on the floor somewhere forgotten as his fingers clenched in Cloud's sweater, pulling and tugging at the material and the younger man nudged himself closer, one knee nudging against Leon's to coax his legs open slightly.
The older man hissed and tried to catch the moan that slipped out when Cloud brought their hips together, grinding himself against the slightly taller man as his hands left the brunet's hair and slid downwards, wrapping themselves in the lapels of Leon's leather coat. He tugged hard, pressing himself against the taller man and Leon moaned again.
There was a part of his brain that, on some level, was still functioning, but right then all Leon cared about was Cloud Strife and getting more of him.
He pushed off the bookcase, hands still digging hard into Cloud's hips as he guided him backwards, feet stumbling over half empty boxes and piles of books until they made it to the bed; falling backwards in an inelegant tangle of limbs and fierce kisses. They bounced, the old metal bed frame screeching and rattling under their combined weight, allowing Leon to grind his hips in a better angle, unsure whether the moan that sounded as a result came from himself or the younger man.
"Leon."
The sound of his given name moaned so sensually over his lips caused such a headlong collision with reality it was almost like a physical blow. He had heard his name before of course, but from this man - from this man - who was supposed to be his student and who had only ever referred to him as his professor, it was the proverbial bucket of cold water that woke the older man from his lust induced sleepwalk. He pulled away, his shoulders suddenly tense and his stomach rolling and protesting.
What was he doing?!
Cloud stared up at him with kiss bruised lips and questioning eyes, his face open and honest and so full of want that Leon couldn't help the heady mix of lust and shame and guilt that flooded him all at once.
He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be doing this.
"Leon, what's wrong?"
And there is was again, that slap to his face that brought him even further out of his stupor.
He'd kissed his student. He'd been prepared to go a whole lot further. Hell, he still wanted to go a whole lot further even despite his abrupt wake up call. That was the thought that frightened him the most. His disregard for even the most basic of ethics - his own morals - sickened him. Hadn't he always thought he was better than that?
"I... I can't do this." He murmured eyes wide with shock and realisation, the buzz of the drink long gone and replaced with a cold and unfeeling reality.
He had to get out of there.
"I'm sorry." He breathed, pulling away abruptly to stand on hollow legs. He really was. He was sorrier than Cloud would ever know and for more than just taking advantage of his position of power.
"Leon, it's alright." Cloud said, sitting up and reaching out to him.
Leon knew better. He shook his head and turned, needing to be out of there as quickly as possible.
Ignoring Cloud's shouts of protest, Leon fled. He raced down the curling staircase and pushed on the metal bar across the heavy side door, stumbling slightly out into the alleyway. He breathed in the frigid night air and let it sober him, fully aware that he was probably in no fit state to drive but uncaring as he approached his car and unlocked it. He wasted no time in turning the ignition and speeding off back to campus as fast as he could.