Seriously. How can I ever thank you enough? I am so happy with the response this story has been getting and I love you all for reading, leaving reviews and making it a part of your favorites and follows. Thank you!
PS - just one quick note. Please remember when reading that Beth has been through a very traumatic experience.
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Chapter Four.
Daryl and Rick entered the store first, as always, with Michonne, Carl, Tyreese and Sasha behind. Carol stayed back to hold Judith and Beth stayed back because Daryl told her to. She told him that she was perfectly capable of killing walkers but Daryl just shook his head and told her to stay put and she didn't feel like arguing with him.
The store was small – one of those general store types found in small towns – and Beth imagined that there was hardly anything left of use inside but Rick and Daryl had wanted to check it out nonetheless.
She looked around the street but it was empty and quiet and her eyes caught Judith in Carol's arm. The baby was slapping her hands over Carol's mouth and giggling when the woman pretended to gobble on them. Beth turned her head from the sight and pretended it didn't bother her. Judith was a baby and she hadn't seen Beth for so long. It didn't matter that Beth had loved her and cared for her as if she was her own when they were all back in the prison. Things changed and Carol and Tyreese took care of Judith now. Beth wasn't needed for that anymore.
She wasn't sure how long they had been in the store, clearing it out, but Carl came out, sprays of blood staining his neck.
"It's clear," he told them and even with the gun in his hand, he reached out and pulled Judith gently into his arms.
She was slow to follow Carl and Carol into the store, feeling another one of her attacks coming on, and she didn't want to have it around anyone, but she knew that if she was to stay outside, Daryl would come out to find her. She tried to focus on her breathing, inhaling and exhaling slowly, trying to kick everything out of her mind at the moment except for the fact that she had to breathe and didn't want anyone around her knowing that she couldn't.
The store was dark, the only light coming in through the windows at the front of the store, and as she suspected, there didn't seem to be that much left. Odds and ends and other merchandise scattered around the floor. She stayed near the front doors, not even feeling like seeing what else there was, as everyone else began scavenging.
She had learned, while with Daryl, that she needed very little to survive. Just water and a fire and some food to eat. She had blankets in her pack and an extra sweater she could pull on if she got too cold, a box of matches, a bag of elderberries and a flashlight. Her knife was strapped to her hip and what else did she need. The more things she took, the more she would just have to leave behind when they had to run again.
"Beth." Sasha came up to her, getting her attention, and she was smiling as she held up a thick yellow scarf. "Found this and thought you might want it since it's getting colder. Yellow makes me think of you," she then admitted and Beth gave a small smile.
"Thank you, Sasha."
She took the scarf and wrapped it around her neck and Sasha smiled before turning and returning to search for more things. Beth remained standing where she was, her fingers now playing with the ends of her newly acquired scarf. She looked over her shoulder to see that the street was still empty and no walkers had come up to the store before she looked back to the rest of the group. She scanned over everyone but she didn't see Daryl anywhere. She finally took steps further into the store, her eyes on the lookout for Daryl as she did.
As she walked past a small shelf display of cheap paperback books and magazines dated by several years, she saw a small brown leather soft-covered book. She picked it up and flipped through the blank, yellow-tinted lined pages. She thought of her old journal. She had had it at the farm and then in the prison and then when she had been with Daryl. She had lost it, somewhere, and she looked at this small journal and felt an ache in her chest. She wondered if someone had found it and had read through all of the pages she had written on. She couldn't remember all that she had written. All she knew was she wasn't the same girl.
She took the journal and slipped it into the back pocket of her blue jeans though she didn't know if she would write in it or not and continued looking for Daryl. She passed by Tyreese and he smiled at her as he continued on his way. She didn't really know Tyreese all that well – just that he was a part of their group and had been so for a while now. He seemed to be nice – taking care of his sister and of Judith and he reminded her of a friendly giant.
She passed the small cosmetics section and she caught her reflection in a row of hand mirrors. She hadn't really seen her reflection that hadn't been in water for so long, she stopped now and turned to look at herself. The bruises were almost completely gone now but the ugly scar on her left cheek was still there. It would be there forever now. She stepped closer to the mirrors and she lifted her fingertips to the bumpy and rough line of skin. She stared at it and at herself and she didn't know if she even recognized herself. She had faint circles beneath her eyes and she had lost even more weight in the hospital. She looked so pale and it only emphasized the ugly red scar on her cheek.
Daryl suddenly appeared behind her, his face behind hers in the mirrors, and she jumped, startled. "Sorry," he said as she turned to face him. "You find anything?"
She shook her head. "I wasn't looking. I just came to find you."
Daryl nodded, glancing past her at the mirrors, before back at her. "You want one?"
She shook her head again. "I don't really like looking at myself anymore."
He looked at her for a moment, studying her. "I got scars, too," he then told her quietly.
She looked at him and waited for him to say something else, something more, but he didn't and though she felt a little disappointed, she wasn't surprised. For as well as she knew Daryl now – which was better than most did – she still didn't know much about him at all.
"It ain't that bad," he said.
She almost felt like smiling at that. "Liar."
"Don't really lie anymore," he shrugged. "No point to it." He shifted the crossbow on his shoulder. "Nice scarf," he then commented.
Beth nodded and looked down at the mentioned article hanging around her neck. "Sasha found it. Said that she's reminded of me when she sees yellow."
He nodded and didn't say anything else and they both turned their heads when Carl, Judith still in his arms, came up the aisle to him. He was smiling and in that moment, he looked like any regular kid his age if the world hadn't fallen completely apart. The sight almost made Beth want to smile, too.
"Check out what I found," he said and held out his hand, revealing the five suckers in his palm. Daryl took one and tore the plastic wrapping away, popping a red one into his mouth, telling Carl nice job.
Beth didn't move to take one though. She stared down at the suckers and felt her heart completely stop. Her throat closed up and she stared at the small circular suckers – the sort found in pediatrician offices – and she thought of Gorman, him taking it from his mouth and pushing it between her lips, his breath warm on her face and his lips curled into a cold smile. She stared at these suckers now in Carl's hand, innocently waiting for her to take one, and she felt like throwing up.
She didn't say anything as she rushed past them. Didn't stop as Daryl said her name. Didn't stop as Rick asked her if she was alright as she rushed past him. She barely made it outside again before she threw up on the sidewalk. She heard a snarl from behind her but before she could grab her knife and dispatch the walker, she heard the familiar sound of the crossbow being shot and a bolt being released, the heavy thud of the walker dropping.
Daryl was beside her and she closed her eyes. "What's goin' on?"
Beth shook her head. She didn't answer as she stood up and wiped at her mouth. She didn't look at him. "I just need to be alone for a minute, Daryl."
He didn't say anything and she felt like she was going to throw up again. But she didn't want to in front of him.
She hated being so weak around him; around everyone. That's all she had ever been. She was nothing but the weak member that they were stuck with.
She acted as if she was the only one in their group to go through anything. Carl had had to shoot his own mother in the head. Daryl had had to stab his brother in the head after seeing him as one of those walkers. Carol had lost her daughter. Rick had lost his wife.
They had all lost people and had to do things they weren't proud of and they were all still able to get through each day without falling apart and throwing up. And now, acting like this, she had made their strongest member become nothing but a glorified nursemaid, taking care of her.
No wonder Maggie, her own sister, had assumed she was dead and didn't stick around.
She was never supposed to survive.
Still without looking at him and not saying another word, she put a hand over her mouth as she pulled out her hunting knife with the other and she began walking away from him. She expected him to follow but he didn't and she sighed with relief when she slipped into a narrow alleyway between two buildings and exhaled a breath.
She squeezed her eyes shut and yelled at herself in her mind to not cry. She was not going to cry. What she had been through was terrible, yes, but she wasn't special. Everyone had been through terrible things and she had to just get over it and move on. She had to move on or else, it would kill her. So she had been taken against her will and beaten and had barely made it out alive. The point was, she had made it.
She took a series of deep breaths and she felt her stomach settle until she felt as if the nausea had passed with no more threat. She took another moment and then she slipped from the alley onto the sidewalk again. Daryl was still standing outside of the store, his crossbow up and his eyes sharp on their surrounding area, but he looked at her the instant he heard her approaching. She saw her vomit on the sidewalk and she didn't know what to say. She couldn't even look at him.
Without stopping, she turned and went back into the store.
"You okay?" Rick asked the instant he saw her.
She nodded and didn't say anything as she continued walking. Back in the cosmetics section, there was a small glass counter with different kinds of make-up on display as well as jewelry. She took more bracelets and slipped them onto her wrist, covering the entire length of the scar there. At least she could cover one of her scars.
There was a sport store down the street and again, Rick and Daryl entered it first to check it out and clear it of any walkers. Inside, it was as picked over as the general store had been but they took their time, looking to see if anything had been left that could be of use.
Beth took all of the fishing hooks down from the wall and put them into her pack. She had no plans for their use but she never knew what might come up. She came upon Daryl at the back of the store and he was standing on the bottom of one of the shelves, digging around for something at the top of the shelving unit. Beth didn't say anything and instead, watched him, wondering what he was doing. Whatever it was, he found it and tossed it over his shoulder onto the floor, Beth stepping out of the way just in time before it hit her.
"Sorry," he said when he saw her standing there. "Last one left," he stepped down from the shelf. He picked up the small red duffel bag and slung it over his head and across his chest. He then picked up his crossbow again. "We still gonna sleep outside?" He asked.
She hesitated before she nodded slowly.
She wondered how big the tent was that he had found. Judging by how small the bag was, it couldn't be that big. And then she imagined sleeping with Daryl Dixon in a small tent – just the two of them. She felt a flutter then in her stomach that had nothing to do with the urge to throw up again. Instead, she looked at him and she found herself hoping for a small tent. She wanted to sleep close to him and feel his body's warmth and maybe, a faint touch or two. She wanted him to touch her. She couldn't deny that. She was still thinking of him hugging her from this morning and as she was pressed against his chest, how she had been hoping that he wouldn't let her go.
When had they reached this point between them where she was wanting him to touch her?
He was the only man she knew she wanted ever touching her.
"Did you look to see if they had any arrows?" She asked.
"Doubt they have any," he said.
"Doesn't hurt to look," she said and she moved past him, leaving the aisle, feeling him following her behind.
The cases up front had been broken and all of the guns, knives and ammo were, not surprisingly, all taken. Beth went behind the counter and knelt down, opening the drawers back there, opening and checking each one to see if anything remained.
The last draw she opened, she smiled with triumph. "Here," she pulled out a box and stood up again, handing it out to him. "Will these fit?"
"Even if they don't, we're takin' them," he said, glancing down to the size as he took the box.
"Two more," she said and pulled the other boxes from the drawer. "Here, I'll carry them."
She set her pack down and took the three boxes of new bolts and packed them away carefully before standing up again, slinging the pack onto her back. They both looked to see where everyone else was in the store. Daryl then turned his head towards her and she hesitated a moment before moving her eyes to meet his.
"Don't ask me if I'm okay," she said before he could even open his mouth. He stared at her. "I'm as okay as any of us are and I need to stop acting like I want the attention or special treatment from any of you. Especially you."
"You ain't," he said, his brow furrowed.
"We have bigger things to worry about than me, don't you think?"
"Here, Beth," Carol came up to them. "I ran out of room in my pack. Do you mind?" She held up two canisters of rat poison. At Daryl's raised eyebrow, Carol shrugged. "You never know," she smiled at him.
Beth turned so Carol could put the containers in her pack and when she turned around again, she saw Carol eying the tent slung on Daryl's back. Daryl didn't say anything as Carol stared at him and he stared at Carol. Carol then pursed her lips together, looking over to Beth. Beth didn't say anything either but she felt a warmth in her cheeks and she looked away as if she had been caught doing something wrong. Yes, she would be sleeping with Daryl but not sleeping with Daryl. Carol couldn't possibly think that, could she? Of course she could think that. Daryl had gotten a tent specifically for the both of them to share. The others probably thought that they were doing more than sleeping, too – especially the way they had been acting lately.
In the prison, they had never exchanged words with one another and now, they were constantly together, practically inseparable. She knew the rest of the group – not just Carol – was wondering what had happened between them.
Beth wished she had the answer.
…
"Do you think there's a cure?" She asked him softly from their now usual spot at the back of the group as they walked.
"Hell, no," Daryl answered with a frown.
Beth shook her head. "Me, neither." They were quite for a few minutes and then she looked back to him. "But we're going to Washington anyway?"
"We're goin' to find Maggie and Glenn," Daryl said but he seemed reluctant to do so, turning his head and looking at her.
Beth nodded and didn't say anything, looking away instead.
Maggie was her sister, the only family she had left, and yet, she wasn't in a particular hurry to see her again. She couldn't help but be hurt by Maggie just leaving. She couldn't imagine doing the same thing if the roles had been reversed. Of course, Maggie never would have let herself get taken like that. She was too strong. No one would have even dared to try.
"I know when you get married, your priorities shift. Glenn is her husband and he is her main concern now," Beth said, trying to explain Maggie's actions to herself.
"Bullshit," Daryl muttered. "Blood's blood. Marriage don't change that."
Beth opened her mouth to respond to that but she had nothing to say. She nodded slightly.
"I'd of done anything for Merle. Pretty much did," he said and she nodded again.
After their moonshine night, he had talked more and more about Merle. Just brief little stories or mentioning his name in passing when they were hunting and tracking.
Just some redneck asshole with an even bigger redneck asshole for a brother.
Beth was so tempted then to slip her hand into his and interlace their fingers but she didn't. She couldn't. They had to be on alert and both needed their hands. She couldn't hold his hand as if they were just talking a nice afternoon stroll together. She couldn't hold his hand even if they were. She had before, yes, but that had been then and this was now and the moment in the cemetery between them had had a particular mood to it.
They stopped before sunset, finding a barn to sleep in for the night though after making sure it was clear for everyone, Daryl returned outside and started setting up the small tent for them near the entrance of the barn. She watched him as he assembled it, making it look easy, and she could just imagine how much she would struggle with the same task. She had never had to set up a tent before and didn't know the first thing to do. Daryl didn't even need the instructions, the pieces of paper fluttering away in the wind blowing that evening.
"Hey, you two," Rick approached them, Judith in one arm.
Daryl stood up and grabbed his crossbow before Rick could give any further instructions. He gave a nod. "We'll find something."
Beth almost felt like smiling as her fingers went to the hilt of her hunting knife but she didn't. Within a second's worth of conversation, both Daryl and Rick made her feel as if she was needed. Daryl was the hunter in the group and he easily could have gone without her but both he and Rick included her as if she was Daryl's partner and he needed her there with him.
Rick nodded and gave her a brief smile before turning back towards the barn.
Daryl looked to Beth. "Ready?" He asked and she nodded her head, giving him a faint smile.
Daryl had just begun teaching her how to track in the dusk, when the light was fading, when she had been taken and she still didn't know nearly enough to be of any use to him but she stayed close to him without getting in his way and studied everything he did. Occasionally, he would point to something and explain it to her in a lowered voice and she observed it and put it to her memory and nodded at him, urging him with her eyes to show her more.
After Daryl successfully killed a racoon and then an opossum, they began making their way back towards the barn.
"What does opossum taste like?" She asked.
"Like chicken," he shrugged and she heard herself giggle faintly.
"Thank you for getting us a tent," she then said. "I'm sure the barn is pretty much like sleeping outside anyway but… I just… I don't like being around the others too much."
He nodded but didn't say anything.
"I'm trying not to be hurt," she told him. "But it's hard," she admitted.
"You're allowed to be," he said in a soft voice.
She shrugged, trying to act like none of it bothered her, though Daryl glanced at her and she knew that he knew it was bullshit. Daryl always knew. He could always read her so easily.
At the barn, they built a fire and cooked the animal meat after Daryl cleaned both carcasses and they sat around, eating. There wasn't much talk, everyone exhausted from the long day. Carol, again, asked Beth to sing something but Beth shook her head, declining. She didn't feel like singing much lately. She didn't want to make too much noise – especially out in the open like this. It was just too dangerous and she knew some would just be annoyed with her singing as if everything was fine.
After they ate and the others went to the barn to settle in for the night, Beth and Daryl set up the alarms around their tent and then looking at one another, Beth gave him a faint smile. She hesitated for just a moment before crawling into the tent first and then Daryl crawled in after her, zipping up the front opening.
"Don't think walkers have the brains to figure out zippers," he said.
"Guess we'll find out," Beth said, hesitating again. She was right. The tent was very small.
She looked at Daryl and he seemed to be hesitating, too, and she knew he was waiting. She knew she would have to make the first move. She looked at him and she didn't feel nervous. This was Daryl. She had slept near him and beside him so many other nights before this one. Yes, the tent would be a tight fit for both of them but this was Daryl, she told herself again. She knew she wanted to be close to him.
She only ever felt safe when she was near Daryl.
She laid down then, slipping beneath the top blanket, and Daryl hesitated for just another moment more before he laid down, too, beside her, on top of the blanket. The right side of his body and the left side of her body were pressed together and she could feel how tense and stiff he was. She knew he was never comfortable with physical contact but she didn't want him acting as if this was the worst thing in the world for him to be doing – sharing space with her.
"I should tell you something," she said in an attempt to distract him. He turned his head and looked at her and she turned her head, meeting his eyes. "I really don't like opossum. It tastes nothing like chicken."
She smiled, then, and after a moment, Daryl chuckled, a smile pulling at his lips. She felt his body begin to relax a little.
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