A/N: As always, oodles of gratitude to the gifted JWAB for her Beta magic and amazing mentoring. I feel privileged to have such a talented writer willing to support me with my writing.

Chapter 3: Toads and Tears

That afternoon the dream of the toads rang through the elms by Little River and affected the thoughts of men, though they were not conscious that they heard it.-Henry Thoreau

The dream of toads: we rarely credit what we consider lesser life with emotions big as ours, but we are easily distracted, abstracted…We are far too busy
to be starkly simple in passion. We will never dream the intense wet spring lust of the toads.

Marge Piercy, "Toad Dreams"

Elena soaked in the warm sun, lulled by a gentle breeze and the water rocking the dock.

A stout brown toad in a red bow tie and black top hat stopped beside her. "Perfect weather, isn't it?" she asked.

He blinked his emerald eyes at her, croaking in agreement.

They sat in companionable silence, enjoying the day.

Elena heard the soft sounds of bare feet sneaking up behind her. Without turning around she warned, "Don't even think about it."

"How do you always hear me?" Jeremy complained.

"I've told you, Jer. Older sister radar." She grinned up at him. "The bane of little brothers everywhere."

Jeremy laughed as he sat down beside her. He dangled his feet in the water, then glanced at the toad. "What's going on with toadie over there?" he whispered. "Why so dressed up?"

"Shhh," she hissed. "Don't be rude."

"Just wondering what the occasion was," Jeremy mumbled, splashing his feet around.

The toad glared at Jeremy haughtily and hopped away.

"Sorry about that," Elena called after him. "He's a teenage boy; they have terrible manners."

A harsh "caw" from a nearby tree broke the quiet. Elena gazed at the raven as it cocked its head and arranged its glossy wings. The dark bird seemed oddly familiar.

"You gonna swim?" Jeremy asked Elena.

"I was just waiting for Jenna to get off the phone." She looked up at the lake house; Jenna's phone call seemed awfully long.

"She's arguing with Uncle John again."

"What's his problem?" Elena asked.

"Something to do with Jenna wanting to rent out Dad's office and some bullshit with the will. Not sure why he thinks it's any of his business." Jeremy sighed. "Not that you care," he muttered.

She looked at him sharply. "What does that mean?"

"Do you even miss them?"

"What kind of question is that?" Elena felt a jolt in her stomach at the mention of their parents. "Of course I do!"

"Then why don't you act like it?"

She struggled to find a response. "I don't know what you're talking—"

"Yeah, you do," Jeremy interrupted. "You put up a good front and pretend for everyone, including me. You've put on that fake smile and said you're fine so much that it just…seems like it's true. You're fine. You don't care." He slapped the surface of the lake with the soles of his feet. "It's like you're not you anymore…like you're pretending to be someone else."

Taken aback, Elena sat in uneasy silence. The glare off the water was suddenly bright and the sun on her skin too hot. Jeremy's words left her feeling raw and exposed. Weighed down by being the sad little girl who lost her parents, Elena had wanted to start fresh, be someone new. At the time, it was the only way she could make it through. Jeremy's words forced her to discover she wasn't proud of how she'd been coping.

When she didn't reply, Jeremy turned to her. "It's not healthy, Elena." His voice was tight with anger. "And pretending doesn't honor the memory of Mom and Dad. And what about me? It's like I'm going through this alone, like we're not in this together. Did you ever think I might need my big sister? It's bad enough they left; at least you could be here for me!"

Elena knew she should respond but words eluded her. She shook her head, fighting off the tears that threatened. "Jer, I…" She swallowed the ball of sharp pain in her throat and shut her eyes.

Jeremy watched Elena struggle to keep herself together. The silence expanded and hung heavy between them. "It's okay to be sad," he finally said. "Some things just need to be felt, you know?"

This was starting to remind Elena of another conversation, although she couldn't put a finger on it. A flutter began in the pit of her stomach.

Jeremy squinted across the lake as they continued to sit in silence. Elena knew he was still upset but didn't know what to say to make things right with him.

Clouds moved in and the wind turned cooler. A summer storm was on its way. Weird, it was so sunnyjust a second ago.

The raven made a deep, scratchy "croaaak," bobbing its head up and down insistently. The air smelled as if it were about to rain.

She put her arm around Jeremy but he stood up. She stood beside him. "I'm not sure how to fix this, Jer."

Gentle rain drops started to fall on the wooden dock, tapping like fingers on bongos. Colorful clumps of mud landed around them with wet smacks.

Elena looked more closely and realized there were toads falling from the sky along with the rain. Several larger toads wore top hats and bow ties; smaller, presumably female toads, wore shorts strings of pearls and tall powdered wigs. Dozens of them hopped past her toward the lakeshore. The rain didn't seem to bother them at all.

Elena watched one hop by wearing a veil. It must be a wedding. Odd, I thought toads only mated in the spring.

The raven emitted a shrill cry that sounded like a warning to Elena. She watched the bird take flight against the cloudy sky. As she looked up, she felt disoriented and dizzy. The wind picked up and the flutter in her stomach became seasickness. The rocking of the dock only made it worse.

Jeremy left without saying anything.

"Jer, where are you going?" Elena called but he didn't respond. "Jeremy!"

He turned. "What?"

Elena moved toward him. "It's not that easy, Jer!"

He threw up his hands. "But it is! You just have to be honest about your feelings!"

She stood motionless in the rain. Elena knew what she needed to say—had to say—to her little brother. But being honest with herself was difficult enough; the thought of saying it to Jeremy was frightening. I hate myself for killing my parents.

"Elena!" Jeremy demanded. "You can't keep pretending forever. Eventually you have to face what happened to Mom and Dad. You're gonna have to feel it, come to terms with it. Otherwise, you'll never heal!"

Something inside of Elena gave way. She'd pushed her emotions deep down after her parents' death, then covered them with a protective layer she'd frozen in place, preferring numbness to pain. Now this crystalized cover was shooting out in multiple directions, cracking under too much pressure and allowing a dark energy through.

"What do you know, Jeremy? It's not your fault they're dead, it's mine!" Elena spat the words out, meeting Jeremy's eyes with desperation and rage. "You don't know anything! You know don't if I'll ever stop hurting, if I'll ever heal. You have NO IDEA!"

They stared at one another through the rain, both shocked to silence by her outburst.

Suddenly, the raven flew between them, brushing Elena's cheek with the tip of its wing. The darkness instantly receded and Elena's desperation and rage were replaced by an aching sadness. Tears filled her eyes as she looked back at Jeremy. This time she didn't fight them. "I'm so scared, Jer." Sobs shook her body as she wrapped her arms around herself and gasped for air. "I'm terrified. I have so much guilt. I don't know if I can handle the pain if I let it in…and I'm afraid I'll never stop feeling it." Rain mingled with tears in streaks down her face.

Jeremy wrapped his arms around her in a tight, wet hug. When he released her, Elena gave him a watery smile and sniffed, wiping the rain and tears from her face.

Movement on the lake shore caught her eye; the toads assembled around the bride and groom. The bride held a white flower over her head like an umbrella ; it seemed the ceremony was about to begin.

When Elena turned back to Jeremy, she saw the raven was perched on his shoulder. The bird quorked low in its throat. It looked at Elena with bright black eyes while it fluffed its wet feathers and shook to resettle them.

Jeremy pushed the damp hair back from his face and smiled sweetly at her. The way he used to smile at me when he was little. When I was still his perfect older sister who had everything figured out.

Elena felt muddled yet strangely calm, as if she'd forgotten something important and knew she should try to remember.

"Hey, it doesn't have to be this way," Jeremy told her softly. He cleared his throat and continued, "If you let the pain in, if you feel again, you can heal...I know you can. You're strong, Elena." He caught her eyes.

Jeremy's eyes shone with such conviction, such sincerity that Elena found herself believing him. Love for her little brother surged through her, quickly followed by a sense of fathomless loss.

"God, I miss you so much, Jer." Elena shook her head, taken aback by her strange confession. Why do I miss him? He's right here.

Jeremy turned to look at the bird perched on his shoulder. Behind them, the sky had turned dark. The air smelled metallic and thunder rumbled off in the distance.

The raven flapped its wings, floating from Jeremy's shoulder to hover in front of her, waiting. She offered her arm and it landed gently. The raven tilted its head to one side in a familiar way. "I know you," Elena murmured in awe.

A lightning flash momentarily blinded her. She took a deep breath; she was seasick again.

Another bright flash was quickly followed by a loud thunderclap, deafeningly close. "This is a dream, isn't it?" she realized, turning to Jeremy .

Abruptly, black skies opened in an intense downpour, rain drops pelting Elena's bare skin. The raven had disappeared. She looked for Jeremy but couldn't see where he'd gone.

"Jeremy!" Elena yelled. She squinted, searching for him through horizontal sheets of rain, but all she could see was the rocking dock and the surrounding turbulent water. "Jeremy!" she called again, nauseous and dizzy with panic.

None of this is real, it can't be. It's just a dream.

Lightning flashed again nearby. It starkly lit her immediate surroundings and illuminated the edges of her consciousness. Then a deafening boom of thunder crashed and awareness reverberated through her body.

Jeremy is dead, and my parents. Jenna and Ric are dead…and so many others. Their deaths are my fault. I'm a vampire.I've hurt people, killed people, and done horrible, unforgivable things.

With this awareness came devastating pain; a tidal wave of agony surged through her. Then Elena remembered she didn't have to feel anymore. In her mind she attempted to flip her humanity off, but nothing happened. It felt like groping in the dark for a light switch in an unfamiliar room. She continued to fumble blindly while the painful pressure of her emotions intensified.What the hell is going on?

Elena bent over, shaking and sick. The grief was agony, an internal tempest, buffeting her like the surrounding storm. Panicking, Elena jumped into the cold, dangerously turbulent water of the lake, hoping to force herself awake.

One Republic – "Dreaming Out Loud"