[Fourth chapter; review as you please. Standard disclaimer, and please enjoy. =)]

Keep Holding On

(Say Goodbye)

Scared didn't even begin to cover it.

After separating from Oliver to find Katya's body the fear of death set in. Hard. While fighting with Oliver rejuvenated me for the duration of the battle, the Dark Lord's words had quelled the fighting. Now we were left to wait for the second wave of his attack while searching the bodies for those we couldn't find.

I rummaged through the damage, through the bodies. The dead's faces contorted with the curse that had killed them, they were horrors to me. Unrecognizable, almost. If went around and closed their eyes and mouths maybe it'd be easier to see them. I'd imagine them asleep. Ohmigod, I thought. Is that Fred Weasley?!

...Is that Remus Lupin?...

My heart dropped to my stomach and tears streaked down my face. The father I had never known lay face up in my path. Dead. I backed into a wall and covered my mouth, knowing that the usual lock on my emotions had been broken open tonight. If I started to scream or babble, hopefully my hand would muffle the sound. Maybe a silencing spell would work better.

I stared at his face for the longest time. The scars that cut up his would-be handsome face, his blue eyes, the golden color of his hair. We were so alike in looks I wondered how neither of us had seen the resemblance. I saw my mother's school pictures in my mind, the ones of the two of them together. I looked like both of them, and somehow I felt that even if he hadn't raised me, I was still part Remus Lupin in persona. I wondered if he would have been proud of me. I wondered if he had known I was his daughter...

Another gut-wrenching realization: He had a son! A baby somewhere in the world that would never know his dad. Oh god, how alike my half-brother and I were already! What would happen to him?! Unintentionally, Remus left both his children and would know neither of us. He was dead. Remus Lupin, my true father, was gone forever. One more in the sea of lost lives, lost futures, the Battle of Hogwarts had taken.

I did the honor of closing his eyes. I kneeled beside him and stole a kiss on his cheek. "I'm sorry."

In my daze I managed to wander back to where I'd last seen Katya. The Second Floor.

There she lay, face up, taking up the most space as anyone around her. Beautiful even in death, she made The Killing Curse a fashion. I was so childishly jealous at that moment, worrying myself over how beautiful I might look and knowing I would pale in comparison against her. No tears now, as I sat beside my lovely best friend. My fingers pushed down her eyelids, and I closed her mouth. She relaxed under my will. Cold as she was, her pale skin looked as white as it did when she was alive. ...Not an hour ago. Alive, we were both in the Great Hall. We discussed our deaths, the sides we'd fight on, and admitted the deep friendship, the sisterly affection we held each other in. Now I sat alone in a sea of people, the only one with a pulse. And my best friend in the world lay beside me on the floor, dead because of a mistake I made. How strange... I moved the hair from Katya's face... How strange that I lived while she died. As I tried to think, 'She's still alive, she'll open her eyes any second.' I knew she wouldn't. Somewhere in the fight and search I'd come to terms with her death. I'd let her go. I blamed myself, yes, but I let her die in peace. I gave her the satisfaction of knowing I'd made the mistake without the hysterics she would've slapped me for showing over her dead body now. In the after life I planned on begging her forgiveness, and since we'd have the rest of eternity I'd spend it making it up to her. She'd dub me her slave but I wouldn't care. Just to be with her again would be enough.

I carried, yes carried, her body downstairs. In the crowds of mourning people I lay Katya in an empty corner of the Great Hall, positioning her comfortably. Now she appeared to be only sleeping. It's true of the dead, this simple description. They are only sleeping, until you realize they're never going to wake up.

It didn't bother me now, of course. Now that I'd accepted her death. But in the back of my mind the alchemist in me insisted, 'I can save her. I can save them all. I can figure out the secret, and I can bring her soul back. If you can attach a soul to an inanimate object, surely it'll attach even better to it's original container. It's magic science, what could be stronger than that? What can't that power do?' Logic answered, 'People die. People die trying to bring back the dead, and it's never a pretty sight. Let her die beautifully, Dawn. Let yourself live a full life for her, don't be obsessed with a past you can't change. Be reasonable. Science is science, not the secret of life.'

When I looked up then to brush my tears away, Oliver entered with Collin Creevey over his shoulder. The words 'Oh no' formed on my lips, only no sound came out. Oliver found me in the crowd, sadness in his eyes. He lay Creevey down and motioned for me to come with him. I stood with no trouble at all, intent to meet Oliver at the Great Hall enterance. It was leaving Katya that proved an impossible task; everytime I attempted to take my first step away from her I only succeded in strange feeling head-bobbling body convulsions. I was literally fighting myself to leave, or to stay, depending on how you looked at it. Oliver's brows furrowed in confusion. He held out his hand and I still couldn't move myself. From staring at me he turned his attention to my surroundings and finally laid eyes on Katya; I saw the, 'Oh no' in his eyes.

Oliver never understood my friendship with Katya. Like many Gryffindors he saw the Slytherins as evil, contaminated snakes that could never be considered human in the slightest, or God forbid, be considered a friend! He'd tell me not to trust Katya, and I told him I didn't. Back then I didn't trust Katya. I was her 'friend', in the sense that I could stand to be around her for long periods of time and not want to beat her up like the other girls in my year, and House. Something about Gryffindor girls just pissed me the hell off. Pride on the girls of Gryffindor made them unnattractive to me, friend wise. I found myself wanting to yell cuss words at them on too many occasions. Katya evoked the New Yorker in me. I could be myself around her, which worked out perfectly because I'd become bored with being Dawn the American Gryffindor. Katya said, "You're not a Gryffindor to me. You don't act like one. So when we're together, you're not. You're Dawn 'I-have-fifty-thousand-fucking-middle-names' Slipton, and I'm Katya James. Simple as that. And don't ever complicate it, bitch, or I will kick your American ass. I don't have the patience to find another friend."

Even without understanding what we saw in each other, Oliver understood my loss. Instead of holding out one hand, he held out both his arms. Like a secret password my legs unlocked and propelled me forward. I didn't run, Oliver patiently waited for me. I wrapped myself up in him, but I didn't let myself go. I took my first big breath in and exhaled slowly.

Oliver's lips were next to my ear. He said, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You didn't do anything wrong...It's just, something didn't go right." I squeezed his middle before I backed away. "Do you need help?"

"Uh..Uhm," Oliver looked over his shoulder, back toward the castle exterior."I think there's enough helping..."

Obviously he thought I couldn't handle seeing anyone else dead. He was trying to keep me inside and spare me the sight of the bodies. I appreciated the gesture.

"Oliver, if I quit now all I've done so far will be for nothing. I can't chicken out now just because Katya's gone." I took another calming breath, "I have to keep going, because she's gone. Giving up now, when it gets rough..." I shook my head.

Oliver frowned. "You don't have to prove you're strong enough, Dawn. If you need to rest it would be better you do so now."

"Thank you, Mr. Obvious," I smiled. It was so like him to be rational, to take care of me like we were back in school, on the team, and this was just a really rough match against the Slytherins. "But I feel as good as anyone else here, and I want to help. I need to."

His deep brown eyes appraised me slowly, carefully. I felt my expression soften, and I knew a sadness would show in my eyes that he would surely notice. Oliver's hand caressed the length of my cheek, I leaned into his touch.

"If you say so." He finally agreed.

I couldn't help pushing up on tip-toe to steal a kiss. He returned the gesture, his lips soft against mine. I pulled away unwillingly, he rested his head against mine.

"Let's go."