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Sweet Sacrifice

Chapter Four: Savin' Me

Teach me wrong from right

And I'll show you what I can be

Say it for me, say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

Say it if it's worth saving me

Brady

I left the school with a ridiculous goofy fucking grin on my face.

But I did not give a shit. I was happy. I never really had any reason to say that. Most of the time I was content, sometimes I was satisfied with my life, but now I really knew what had been missing.

This.

Nicole.

Whatever it was that we had now was making my whole life.

Although, a part of me did wish it could be simpler, more defined. There were still some blurry lines, and I didn't know what we were. But I didn't care, if I was perfectly honest. We could sort out all that relationship shit later on. Right now, I was euphoric to simply be happy that she wanted to see me again.

Right. Reality and responsibilities were beckoning.

I couldn't care less about them.

But I couldn't spend every minute with Nicole, as much as I really fucking wanted to. I had to remember the pack, remember that I had the mundane and the mediocre in my life that I needed to attend to.

Ugh.

I headed to the forest, unable to stop thinking about Nicole. I was on automatic pilot, transforming without thinking about it, running without a direction. It was only when I heard my name that I snapped out of my Nicole-induced trance.

Brady… Am I talking to myself? It was Collin. I had told him about Nicole yesterday, and he had been quite pleased for me. He said it was about time someone had softened me up.

Wouldn't be the first time, would it? I joked.

Shut up. So… you're well and truly infatuated with her, aren't you?

Jealous?

Not at all…

You're jealous. Don't deny it. I would be too.

Collin did the mental equivalent of a snort. I knew you would be one smug bastard about this! I just knew it! Tell me how I knew it!

Because your mom dropped you on your head when you were a baby and now you have psychic powers as a result?

Oh, hilarious. You really crack me up, Brady. Heavy, heavy sarcasm.

I laughed, the noise coming out as a bark.

Collin was wistful. I miss the old Brady. The grumpy one, the moody and antagonising one. Now I'm stuck with you - Mr Lover Lover.

Shut your face or I'll shut it for you. Permanently! I snapped, annoyed and embarrassed.

Now, there's the Brady I know and love…

Fag.

Sap.

Fuck off.

Make me.

I rolled my eyes. This was Collin and me, in a nutshell. We basically just insulted each other constantly, but the friendship was rooted deep down. I'd known the guy forever; we even made our transformation to wolves at almost the same time. I had just assumed I had caught whatever bug he had picked up when we both started feeling weird.

Seth was our other lifelong buddy - we three had been very Musketeer-esque when we had all been in the one pack. It kind of sucked when he left us to join Jacob's vigilante pack, but that was the past now. We had dealt with it, and we were still good friends with him. We just rarely got to see him.

Collin heard all my thoughts of Seth.

Do you want to go see him? he suggested.

Why not? I said. I have fuck all to do until Nicole gets out of school. Let's go and see Seth.

I had left school the moment I found out I was a werewolf. It had never been for me, anyway. My parents had been disappointed, but I doubted they really cared what I did anymore. My parents and I didn't get along, and we figured it was just easier if we left each other alone and just did what we wanted.

Can I come? Josh was curious and eager; I hadn't even registered him in my mind. The tweens had never really gotten introduced to Jacob's pack, and they were curious. But Josh meant Heath, and Heath meant Lee, and Lee meant Karl, and Karl meant Nathan, and Matt would tag along because he'd feel left out, and Louise would probably insist on going too, and then we might as well just call Sam and Jared and Paul, and get the whole freaking pack over to Seth's house for a fucking party.

No, I said bluntly.

Don't mind him, Collin said nicely, sending annoyed vibes my way. He's just crazy in love, and a bastard to match. You can come if you want.

I sighed loudly.

Nah, I've changed my mind, Josh said, a little less enthusiastic than he had been before. And I felt bad. I think Lee wants to race me again anyway.

I had reached the clearing where Collin was waiting for me, and he threw me a glare. I shrugged my shoulders. The clay-coloured wolf just rolled his eyes at me, and whirled around, heading for the border. I fell into step next to him.

Sorry. Tweens-R-Us aren't really that bad. I'm just a bastard.

Yeah, you really are. You'd want to be a bit nicer to them - they look up to you.

And I can't for the absolute life of me figure out why.

That makes two of us. Hopefully maybe now that you've found your imprint, you'll grow a heart.

I already have a heart, for your information. Douche bag.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Shut up.

Nicole

I thought about him all day in school.

If anyone paid the remotest bit of attention to me, they would have noticed how distracted I was. More distracted than usual, I should say. But no one paid any attention to me, so nobody noticed or cared.

I just couldn't stop thinking about him.

His smile. His eyes. His shiny black hair, which I longed to touch, and see if it was as soft as it looked. His fantastic body, and the fact he never bothered to wear a shirt. His laugh. His arm around my shoulders. Brady.

He fascinated me. He intrigued me. He surprised me, and amazed me, and everything about him stunned me. He was just so out of this world, and it had been so long since someone had been interested in me, in talking to me, spending time with me, and every second that I was with him was like a dream.

I was trying to convince myself that he was a delusion.

I didn't want to listen to myself this time though. I always tried to talk myself out of going for the things I really wanted, because I believed I didn't deserve them.

I didn't want to talk myself out of seeing Brady. He had me. I didn't want to let him go. I wanted to wait and see what was going to happen between us. There was something that was just so right with us, that just clicked with us, and we didn't even have to try with each other, because I just got him, and it was like he understood me.

I didn't want to give up something that amazing.

I couldn't. I wouldn't exist anymore without him. I felt like I had been struggling for years, barely surviving, drowning in this horrible blackness, but now I had a lifeline. I had Brady. I barely knew him, but I somehow knew he was my lifeline, my saviour.

I had always been naïve and stupid.

After school, I expected him to be waiting for me. There was no doubt in my mind that he would be there, beautiful and mesmerising as usual, waiting for me.

So naïve and stupid.

He wasn't there. I looked through every bland face in the sea of people, looking for him, but it was clear that he wasn't there. So I waited, because I couldn't stand the sinking feeling in my chest, and I hoped that maybe he was just running late. He said he'd see me later, and it didn't necessarily mean immediately after school, I tried to tell myself.

But he didn't arrive. I waited, and waited, and waited, and almost everyone had gone home, and I waited, but he never came.

I began to walk home, cursing my naivety, my stupidity.

I was grasping at thin air. I was just so desperate for a lifeline. Maybe it wasn't Brady, after all. I probably shouldn't have put so much trust in my judgements. I was so useless.

Useless and naïve and stupid.

A lump in my throat threatened to choke me.

But then I heard footsteps behind me, and I didn't know how, but I knew it was him.

Brady

I am a fucking idiot sometimes, I swear to fucking God.

Why do I constantly mess everything up? Why is it that when I finally get something good, when I finally find what I'm looking for, I'm always the one to fuck it up? Why?

Because I'm an idiot. I don't have a brain in my head.

I'm so sick of getting it wrong.

I just lost track of time. I was at Seth's house with Collin, and it had been so long since I had seen Seth and we were having fun and insulting each other and exchanging news and it had been great, and even though Nicole was in my every thought and most of my sentences, I just lost track of time.

She had been waiting for me. I knew it. She would have been home already. But she had been waiting for me, and I hadn't arrived, and I had fucked it all up once again.

I had let her down.

I was at Seth's house, and I was telling him all about Nicole, with interjections from Collin, when I realised how late I was.

"She's just amazing, man," I was saying, fighting hard to keep from grinning goofily, attempting to keep my expression matter-of-fact.

"You see?" Collin stage whispered. "He's crossed over to the dark side…"

"Shut up, you jealous reject," I said, rolling my eyes.

"I'm really happy for you, Brady, even if Col isn't," Seth grinned, sticking his tongue out at Collin. I smiled at him. Seth was decent. He was sensible and he was kind-hearted and sincere and basically the exact opposite of me. He never swore and he never spoke badly of anyone, and I envied him, sometimes. He always managed to get everything right.

If he had someone like Nicole, I was sure he would never, ever, let her down.

I wanted to be like Seth. I wanted to do things right and get everything right and stop being such an idiot all the time. I was going to try.

Nicole deserved it.

I ran after her, and caught up to her in seconds. She didn't turn to look at me, she didn't show any sign that she acknowledged me.

Shit.

Had I just blown it?

"Nicole?" I asked. I couldn't see her face; it was hidden by her hair.

"Hi," she said quietly.

"Hi," I said, feeling a little relieved. At least she was talking to me. "How are you?"

"Fine."

"Er, how was school?"

"Fine."

This was not good. She didn't look at me, and her voice sounded flat and dead.

I am such a fucking idiot.

I hadn't a clue what to say to her. I was totally useless. Should I apologise? Should I act normal and pretend that I don't know that she was waiting for me? Should I give her space?

Useless, useless, useless.

I had no idea.

I just shut up. I didn't say anything. She didn't say anything. But I walked with her, because it would hurt me to walk away, and I didn't want to cause myself more pain. It already hurt more than I could stand that she wouldn't even look at me, she wouldn't even talk to me. I wasn't going to cut myself in two by leaving, as well.

We arrived at her house, and she finally turned to face me. She looked defeated, worn, weary. I didn't like it. I wanted to see her smile, laugh, be silly, be giddy, be clumsy, be quirky, be random… I wanted her to be everything that I knew she could be. I wanted her to be happy. I could see no trace of happiness in her eyes, and that hurt too. Another stab of pain to the heart. I couldn't even make her happy.

Useless, useless, useless.

"You can come in, if you want," she said, surprising me. "My parents won't be home until late."

I nodded, starting to feel hopeful. She didn't want me to leave. That had to be a good sign, right? Right. If she didn't want me around her, maybe then I definitely would have blown it. But at least she wanted me to make it up to her. Because I would make it up to her. I was never going to let her down again; I was always going to be waiting for her, where she could see me, always.

I followed her into her living room. It was blue and grey and cold and unfriendly and smelled of nasty ass flowers and whoever thought that rug on the floor was nice needed to be shot. It wasn't Nicole, in any way. There wasn't even a hint of Nicole. No photos her on the mantelpiece, no nothing. There was just some shrine to a shaven headed fucker who looked like a complete tool. I couldn't understand why there was a shrine to him, and no shrine for Nicole. There should be a shrine for Nicole.

She dumped her schoolbag on the ground and threw herself down on the couch and sighed loudly and looked up at me. She didn't look away.

Nicole

He looked like a mirage, standing in my house, in my living room, in front of me. He didn't look real, but then again, he never looked real. I was so afraid to touch him, in case he vanished, and I was suddenly grasping at thin air. I was afraid to look away from him sometimes, in case I looked away and looked back and suddenly, he was gone. Sometimes, I was even terrified to blink.

That was the beauty of Brady. He was so unbelievable, I almost couldn't believe it.

I hated denial. I hated that horrible little voice at the back of my head that was constantly telling me that I was dreaming, that he was imaginary, that someone like him was never going to love someone like me. I wanted to shut that little voice up permanently, but I didn't know how.

I wanted to believe. I really did.

He sat down on the uncomfortable grey leather couch and turned in my direction, watching me. I was still hurting, because he hadn't been there waiting for me, and I was trying to tell myself not to be stupid, because he was here now and he was in my living room and I had him all to myself and I should make the most of it, and just… revel in his company. But it still hurt, and I couldn't ignore it.

I was masochistic. I didn't have to hurt, a lot of the time, but I did anyway.

I just loved to hurt myself, loved to hate myself.

I had no idea how to break the cycle. I just had to suffer through it, and hope that maybe, one day, it would all go away and finally I could be happy.

"Nicole," he said suddenly, and everything faded into the background. There was nothing but his voice, nothing but him, nothing but us. "I'm sorry."

"What?" I said stupidly, sure I had misheard him.

"I'm sorry," he repeated. "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you came out of school. I'm sorry I made you wait. I didn't mean to, I just lost track of time. But I won't let it happen again."

His eyes pulled me in, held me, and I couldn't look away. There was nothing but sincerity and adoration and determination and I wanted to believe it all but I didn't know if I could. It was all so beautiful and confusing and heartbreaking.

"It's OK," I somehow managed to choke out. The lump in my throat was swelling again, and I struggled with it. I didn't know how he was able to understand me so easily. Was I so transparent? Or could he just tell, did he just know?

"It's not OK, Nicole," he argued, and his eyes blazed. "I want you to trust me. How can you trust me if I keep fucking up? You'll have to tell me, Nic, you'll have to show me where I'm going wrong so that I can fix it, because I want to get this right. When I do it wrong, you have to tell me the way to make it right again. I can't stand not knowing how to make you not hurt, Nicole. I can't stand not knowing how to make you smile again," he said, and his eyes were frustrated and beautiful and intense.

I was holding my breath, my mind swirling. I couldn't make my brain structure a sentence together, and all I could do was gaze at him. He was so honest, so raw, so unbelievable, and it was fogging my brain and jamming up my thought processes. Surely I didn't deserve a guy like this? When the hell did I ever do anything to deserve anyone like this?

The phone rang.

The shrill noise made us both jump. I released the breath I was holding in one gush and struggled to my feet to answer it. Brady sat back, but he didn't take his eyes off me as I approached the phone and answered it.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Nicole."

A bitter chill washed down my spine. Tyler. The biological son, the pride and joy, the only person in the whole world who truly terrified me.

"Mom and Dad aren't here," I stammered, but he knew that. I knew he knew that. He was calling me, just to remind me that he was still a presence in my life, one that I couldn't quite escape. He wanted to mess with my mind, once again.

"I know that," he answered, laughing quietly. He had a smooth and clear voice, and I detested the very sound of it with everything I had. I hated the feelings of fear it provoked in me. I hated him having that power over me. The power to terrify me. "I wanted to hear your voice."

I should have hung up on him. I wanted to, but I knew if I did he'd find some way to punish me for it. He'd come home from university on a 'surprise visit' to see his parents, and then leave me with bruises littered across my skin.

He always hurt me where no one could see it. My stomach, usually. The tops of my arms were another favourite. He'd punch me or he'd pinch me until it bled or he'd find something to scar me with.

Why?

Because he could.

He was a manipulator, he was a bully, and if my adoptive parents knew what they had raised, they'd be terrified, too. I had grown up, subjected to being his punching bag. I couldn't tell my parents, because they didn't care, and they wouldn't believe me over their son. I had no one at all, so I lived with it. When he left for university, I almost collapsed with the relief. He was rarely around, and suddenly my life was a lot easier to bear. My biggest fear was him coming back home for a visit, or that maybe there was someone else he was slowly destroying, now.

He was a large reason I was so screwed up, in my head. He was to blame for me running away from everything all the time, when I got too scared. I just didn't want to get hurt again.

I didn't say anything, and I started to shake. I turned my back on Brady so he couldn't see my expression. I didn't want him to know.

"So, are you missing me, Nicole?" Tyler asked, his tone dangerous underneath all the fake charm and friendliness.

I was still frozen. Once again, my brain wouldn't form a sentence that made sense, but this time it was because I was so afraid. One wrong word, and he could come back home to see us. And hurt me.

"Nicole, answer me," he commanded. "If you'd rather, I could come home at the weekend and get an answer from you personally…"

No!

"Yeah, I miss you," I whispered. Saying I didn't miss him wasn't an option. I wasn't that much of a masochist, to want him to come back here and hurt me.

"Aw, I miss you, too," he said, laughing again. Rage, so intense and strong, burned in my chest, set fire to my heart. I hated him. I hated how he could make me so afraid. I hated how he could control me, and I hated how powerless I was to stop it. "I might ring back later to speak to Mom," he said, sounding indifferent now. "I'll talk to you again soon, Nicole."

Then he hung up.

I placed the phone back in the cradle with a shaking hand, wheeled around to face Brady again, and rather dramatically, burst into tears.

Brady

I felt quite murderous, to be perfectly fucking honest.

I could hear that whole conversation, could hear everything he was saying to her. And even though I was an idiot, I could figure this one out easily enough. He was fucking scaring her. She was shaking. He was manipulating her, intimidating her, subtly threatening her. And I wanted to kill him, whoever he was.

She hung up and turned to face me and she was white and her eyes were wide and she looked so scared and upset, and then she just started fucking crying, and I thought I was either going to jump up and hunt that bastard down for making her look like that and for making her cry, or I was going to break down myself. I couldn't stand her expression, her tears. They were killing me.

But I got up and I put my arms around her and I held her, because that's what she needed. She clung to me and I could feel her hot tears on my chest, but I didn't mind. She needed me, and she could have me. Hell, she could have anything she wanted from me. I was hers, completely and absolutely. She could take everything I had.

She didn't cry for long, and when she pulled away, she was still white and still shaking. I noticed how pretty she still was when she cried. Her lips were a little puffier and her eyes were rimmed with pink, and her tears were like little diamonds on her pale cheeks. She was the prettiest crier I had ever seen. Past misfortunes of witnessing chicks crying hadn't been pleasant; puffed up eyes, snot everywhere… but then I guess even if Nicole had been the nastiest crier in the world, I wouldn't have cared. Because it was Nicole.

I didn't bother asking her if she was OK. Ridiculous, retarded question. Of course she wasn't OK.

I just had to know. I needed to be sure of who that was, and I needed to understand what he was doing that made her so afraid. Her eyes watered again when I asked her, but she told me.

"He's my brother… and I hate him… I hate how he scares me so much every time I hear from him or see him… I hate him…" she hiccupped, wiping her eyes.

"Nicole?" I asked firmly, determined to get an answer from her, determined to accept whatever that may be with a cool head, and not overreact. "What does he do to scare you? What does he threaten you with? Does he… does he hurt you?" I had tried to ask gently, but the words came out harsher than I had meant them to. I just… how could anyone hurt Nicole? She was so tiny and fragile and vulnerable… how could anyone take advantage of that?

It made me angry. So fucking angry.

Nicole just gazed at me, her cheeks wet and her eyes dead and blank, like she had shut everything off, and had just become an empty shell again. It was so hard, to drag her back out from that shell, and to make her more alive again, but I knew I would never give up trying. She was worth it. She was worth everything.

She was wearing a long sleeved black top, which she had coordinated with an electric blue skirt with black net underneath it. Not that I was fluent in girl-clothes talk or anything… but you could never help noticing what Nicole was wearing. I thought she looked amazing. But I think she'd look amazing in a black sack.

All of a sudden she just seized the hem of her top and lifted it up, exposing her stomach, her eyes still trained on mine.

Her stomach was flat. Almost too flat. She was too thin. I could see her hip bones jutting through her skin. Her skin looked so soft…

Focus, Brady.

And then I saw what she wanted me to see.

Faded scars. Deep marks in her skin.

She didn't have to tell me. He did that.

That bastard did that.

I wanted to fucking kill him.

Fucking tear him limb from fucking limb, and worse…

I tore myself out of my violent thoughts, because she was still looking at me, and she was so vulnerable and tired and upset and I loved her.

I couldn't not love her.

She was my imprint, and she was everything to me, and I knew I would love my imprint eventually, if I ever found her, and now that I had found Nicole, I knew I loved her now. I just knew it. It was too soon to tell her, of course, and she wouldn't believe me if I told her now. I just had to be patient.

So I just gathered her up in my arms again and held her close and kissed the top of her head, and I just prayed I was doing it right.

Savin' Me - Nickelback.

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