Chapter 3

Alexandra was amazed by the sheer number of people marching around Oakland International Airport. There were tons of people waiting in lines, being checked by security and checking destination signs. Still no sign of Olivia Benson. She'd been waiting for the past hour for the female detective and was getting rather annoyed. Though she knew the annoyance was just there because she was afraid, she kept glaring at world, waiting for another challenge.

"Lara? Lara Dobras?"

"Yes," she muttered without lifting her head up. Normally she was more alert around strangers, but today wasn't a normal day. Hoping the feminine voice would go away, she continued to stare out towards the gate, but when she still felt the presence she tilted her head up and snapped. "Yes…"

"Okay let's try this again. Alexandra Cabot?" That got her attention. She studied the tall brown-eyed brunette before nearly jumping out of her skin. She felt herself being pulled into a warm embrace; tears kissed her cheeks as the realization hit. "Olivia! It's been…"

"Four years," Olivia pulled out of the embrace and took both of the younger woman's hands into hers. "Four whole years. I missed you so much; it feels so good to see you again." Alex nodded her head slightly, looking away for a quick second, and then turned her attention back to her friend.

"You grew your hair out! Oh, did you bring any bags?"

"Nah, everything's in here," she rested her arm on the black duffle bag she'd been carrying. "I figured that's why you didn't recognize at first. Anyway, I can't stand suitcases. So, which way to your car?"

The first thing Alexandra did when she got home was pour herself a shot of Chopin Vodka. She'd gotten it for moments like these, moments filled with stress and confusion. Maybe some good potato vodka could relax her; booze did have its way of bringing things out in her and hopefully it would ease her stress.

"Want a drink?"

"No thanks, but if you've got juice I'd like some of that," Olivia answered from the couch. Alex watched Olivia survey the family room and take in everything she saw. The sunlit room was just off the pea green titled kitchen and it served mostly as an entertainment room for guests and the boys. A flat, thirty-two inch television sat on a stained oak stand along with a Playstation 2 and a DVD player. DVDs and a few video games were close by, arranged neatly on a shelf. Adding a little comfort to the space was a neutral colored rug and some huge olive pillows scattered in front of the television. Olivia liked what she saw. "I didn't know you were a videogame person."

"Huh?" Alex sat Olivia's orange juice next to her Vodka on the tempered glass coffee table and took a seat. Olivia giggled slightly and pointed to the black controller on the floor.

"Things have changed," was Alex's only response.

"I see," this time Olivia turned her attention to the pictures of Kenny and Connie on the coffee table. Alex silently cursed herself for not moving them. "They're yours aren't they…"

Alex just nodded.

"You being you, I didn't think you'd leave all the evidence in plan view. You mind if I look at them?" she picked up the two frames and handed them to her friend. The pictures were of the boys on their fourth birthday. Neither of them wanted a party so she'd taken them camping in the Marin Headlands; both had the time of their lives. "They're the cutest! What are their names?"

"Mackinley is the one holding up the marshmallow and Connor is the one with the ponytail."

"They're so adorable! How old are they?" when Alex answered, she gasped. "John?"

"Yea…how….how'd you know?"

"He was your boyfriend before you left; we all knew that, besides, who could mistake those ears?"

"I didn't intend for you to find out about them so quickly! I was just so spaced out before I left; I intended to hide everything" she sighed, staring down at the boy's pictures. "I guess things don't always happen the way intend for them to."

"Are you telling me or yourself?"

"Both," Alex admitted with a small smile. "I….I never intended to get pregnant. I'm not complaining, but I wasn't ready for kids, especially with my life being the way it was."

"Well that's understandable."

"I hope John understands when I tell him, if I tell him…"

"Wait, he didn't know you were having his child….uh….children? And what you mean if?"

"I didn't know myself until I moved here! I was late, moody as hell, and I was always tired and dizzy. I just passed it off as stress from the whole Velez ordeal. Jesse, my friend and the federal marshal that's assigned to me, suggested I get checked out by a doctor. The Doctor confirmed my worst fears, I was pregnant. God Olivia I was so scared! Me a mother? At first I thought of abortion and adoption was way out of the question, but they were…the only piece of John I had left. I just don't know how to explain everything to him. I'm dead and then the next minute I show up with two children that don't look anything like him; what if he doesn't believe me? How the hell am I going to explain this to everybody?"

"I know all this must be hard on you and I can't imagine what you're going through, but you don't need to worry about John. He maybe cynical and a conspiracy theorist, but he's not stupid. He loves you and he knows good and well you wouldn't intentionally do anything to hurt him."

"So he hasn't moved on?"

"That's one thing he hasn't done. After your uh…death…he became very reserved. You know, more of a hermit and extra sarcastic, but whenever your name came up he had nothing but good things to say about you. He wasn't shy about loving you. He'd show pictures of you to whoever asked," Alex sent her a surprised look but it quickly vanished when Olivia nodded to confirm her story. "I know it's not Munch's style, but he did it. I think you're the first woman he ever really loved."

"That's why all this eats me up inside," she let the salty emotional droplets rain down her face without restraint. Public weeping wasn't the Cabot manner, but she'd been Lara Dobras for so long that she was going to break her true character for a moment. "He thinks I'm dead, he doesn't think I left him! If he knew that I asked to see you and Elliot instead of him, it would devastate him completely. Let's not even mention the fact that I've been sending messages to you and not him and that I forget to mention that I've got two children with him!"

"He'll understand Alex! He loves you!"

"Yeah well love doesn't always fix everything," Alex snapped bitterly.

"Well why didn't you ask to see him?" Olivia countered with just as much venom. She hadn't really meant to be so harsh, but Alex needed to see things clearly. "Why didn't you tell him you were alive?!"

"Because I'm a fucking coward!" she'd intended to yell but it came out a wordy sob. "I couldn't face him, okay? I couldn't look into his eyes and tell him I had to leave him, that I'd never see him again! I couldn't end it; I just wanted to remember the way he smiled at me, the happy times. I didn't want everything to end all fucked up and depressing. Besides, the Marshals figured him knowing would be dangerous. You know how stubborn John is; they figured he'd just follow me. They didn't want him leading harm my way. And how do you tell somebody they've got children but they'll never get to see them? How the hell do you do that to somebody you love?"

"I'm so sorry Alex, I shouldn't have been so harsh; come here," to her surprise Alex fled into Olivia's open arms. There lay the refuge she'd missed; there lay comfort. She and Olivia had bonded over the time they'd been colleagues and Olivia was always there when Alex, rarely, need a shoulder to cry on. There in her friend's arms she didn't need to be tough and she didn't need to be a stone wall. It was there tears were dried, feelings were soothed, and anxieties were calmed. "Did that help?"

"I haven't cried like that since…well…yesterday…"

"Yeah well yesterday was a big day for you; you deserved a good cry."

"You're right-" the unmistakable ringing of the phone interrupted Alex in mid sentence. Alex shrugged it off, but Olivia graciously gestured for her to answer it. "Sorry about this, hello?"

"Hey Lara it's Jesse, I hate to be rude but I was wondering if I could leave the kids with you for just a second; a friend of mine needs some help and there isn't enough room for her and the kids in my car…"

"Don't worry about it."

"Ya sure? You and Olivia work everything out?"

"Not everything but we're getting there; I think it's okay for you to bring the kids here, there shouldn't be any problem."

"Alright, see you soon."

"The kids coming home?"

"Yeah. Along with Jesse's two boys. The four of them are inseparable, especially Connie and her youngest son Brandon. Right next to the proverb 'opposites attract' is an eight by ten glossy of the two of them."

About an hour later, the whoop and clatter of four young boys filled the house. As usual they exuded the energy of a hurricane. Alex wiggled her eyebrows at Olivia and held up her hand, dropping a finger counting how long until the boys reached the family room. Just as she reached a fist Kenny came running into the room flashing his typical excited smile.

"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, today Marcus and his friends taught us 'yo mama jokes' and we told them to each other and we—" Kenny same skidding to a halt when he saw Olivia sitting next to his mother. "Who's the pretty lady?" he asked sweetly, such a natural flirt.

"This is my friend Detective Olivia Benson; she's visiting from New York."

"You must be Mackinley." Olivia stuck her hand out and the child gladly took it.

"That's my big name, but my little name is Kenny."

"Well Kenny, did you have fun today?"

"Yeah, we played a game of cops and robbers. Me and my friend Marcus was the defectives trying to figure out who robed my brother. Do you find robbers at your work?"

"I catch all kinds of people."

"Your feet must be tired then; I only chased one bad guy and my feet felt like they was gonna fall off."

"Yes," Olivia laughed. "They are."

"Okay," Kenny shrugged and smiled. "Mommy, can you please tell Marcus that I went into my room?"

"Sure thing buddy," Alex patted his head lovingly before he exited the room. She noticed Marcus, Brandon, and Connie from the corner of her eye and quickly waved them over. Marcus and Brandon both smiled shyly at Olivia while Connie buried himself in his mother's lap. "Guys this is Detective Olivia Benson, my friend from New York; she's going to be visiting us."

"I'm Brandon," the short five-year-old stuck his hand out and proudly shook Olivia's. He flashed a huge dimpled smile and put his chubby arm on Connie's leg. "This is my best-friend Connie and Marcus is my brother; he's seven."

"Hi Marcus," he sent her a quiet polite smile and stared down at his shoes. He was always shy around new people. Olivia returned the smile warmly and turned to Connie. "And you must be Kenny's twin brother."

"Hi," His voice muffled by Alex's neck.

"He's really shy," Alex explained. "Connie can you shake Olivia's hand?"

"Sorry," he stuck his hand and smiled and introduced himself respectfully. "I'm Connor, but everybody calls me Connie."

"It's good to meet you cutie."

"You too, come on Brandon let's go in my room."

"Oh Marcus," Alex called just before they headed for the stairs. "Kenny's waiting for you in his bedroom."

"Thanks Aunt Lara."

"They're so cute; Kenny's quite the little charmer. They look so much like you, especially when they smile."

"Yeah they've defiantly got the Cabot stamp, but don't let their looks fool you; John is all in there. So did you make arrangements to stay at a hotel?"

"To be honest I didn't think about that, I just called Cragen and left."

"Whoa, you told Cragen you were coming to see me?"

"Don't be silly. I told him I had a family emergency, he was a little nosey about it, but he didn't complain."

"Sorry to be so paranoid. I just got a little worried. Well since you haven't made any hotel arrangements you can stay here, I've got a guestroom upstairs."

"I'd like that, besides I've got some surprises for you too."

"Oh really? Well you can start spilling while we get you settled in."