Herein lies the final piece to A Shift in Perspective. This is it, finale, finito, the end. Hope you enjoy!
As always, Everyone is owned by the lovely Janet. I'm just borrowin'
This story has been brought to you by the letter B. And S – for SAPPY!
A Shift in Perspective, Part 4All I wanted to do was leave, but Ranger wouldn't let me. He only had one good arm, but he had me anchored so tightly against him I couldn't have gotten loose even if I worked out every day.
"Then how do you want me?" I demanded, snuffling back snot, trying to keep my nose from running too badly. Damned the tears, anyway. I hated crying. I hated being weak.
"You know how I want you." He told me, his voice quiet and serious. The hell I did. The games, the stolen kisses. Oh, I knew he loved me - but did he LOVE me? Or was I just that close friend? I was hardly a lover. Hardly someone he wanted to spend his life with - he'd already told me, three times, that his love didn't come with a ring.
If he truly loved me, his love would come with a ring, at least in it's symbolic meaning.
"I smell something burning." Ranger commented. His voice was slightly strained, as if he was fighting pain. I pulled back, twisting a bit as his arm tightened again.
"You need your pills." I said, carefully slipping out from underneath him. I'd forgotten that I had stripped to my underwear, and when I slid out from under the covers, Ranger's eyes went black.
"Just stand there for a bit. That'll take care of all my ills." He told me. I scowled at him, and he flashed me a grin before I swatted my hand through the air and went to get a glass of water and his meds.
He was watching the doorway when I came back through, and I could see the appreciation in his gaze. I had to admit it made me feel good. It also made me self-conscious, though - something I'd never found with Joe. And shit - I didn't want to be comparing Joe and Ranger. I'd studiously avoided it until now, and didn't want to start. Screw that. To divert myself, and hopefully Ranger, I held up the water bottle and pills. He grimaced.
"Don't need them."
"Bullshit." I argued, walking over to the side. "Now are you going to take them or do I have to pry your mouth open like a cat and force them down your throat?" He gave me a baleful glare and took the pills and water from me. "Besides." I pointed out as he swallowed. "You don't have to worry about staying alert in your own apartment." I took the water bottle and set it on the bedside table.
"Come lay down again." He suggested, patting the bed. I thought I detected a faint pleading in his request, but shrugged it off. Ranger didn't plead. I knew I shouldn't crawl back into bed with him, but my body outweighed the rational part of my brain and I slipped in and snuggled up beside him again. He wrapped his arm around me and cuddled me closer, then let out a soft sigh. "I like having you here." He admitted.
"I thought you might need some help while you were recovering." And I really, really, really didn't want to stay in my apartment. Not right now. The memory of him being shot was too fresh.
"And after?" He asked after a pause. His fingers drummed along my ribs, and a slight tension emanated from him.
"It depends, I guess." I said. I would stay, if he wanted me to, for as long as he wanted me to. And we could explore our options, with no Morelli-induced guilt. And really...by the time he was recovered enough for us to explore our options, I would be less heartbroken about Morelli letting me go. Breaking us off. Flipping our switch to off again. I squeezed my eyes shut to prevent the tears that were welling from falling. I was going to miss Joe. In fact, a part of me wanted to kiss Ranger on the cheek, and go running back and crawl into bed with Joe. I was still just as torn, even now.
And I knew that if I turned around and went back to Joe this morning, he would accept me back. I would have returned, proven I was his. But then, there would be no more stolen kisses in the alley. No more snuggling with Ranger. No more Bulgari. No more adventure, and no chance of someday cruising the interstate with Ranger in the Turbo, the top rolled down and the wind blowing our hair. It was a fantasy of mine.
"Hey." Ranger said softly, his voice a bit groggy from the drugs. "You're thinking way too hard over there. Care to share?"
I wasn't sure I wanted to explain my thoughts. Truth was, I was scared he'd laugh at me, and call me silly. God knows Joe would have.
"Babe." He whispered when I didn't answer, and turned his face to nuzzle my hair. I leaned my head against his, and memorized the feel of his breath, warm on my ear. "Just trying to figure out where we go from here." I simplified.
"Wherever you want to go." He suggested. I nodded and he was quiet for a minute. When he realized I wasn't going to continue, he prodded me gently with one finger, then ran his hand over my ribs. "Where do you want to go?" He asked.
"I don't know. Anywhere." I took a breath. Here goes nothing. "But maybe I could try going with you, this time?" Ranger continued to stroke my ribs, his touch gentle. But he didn't answer me. My heart quivered, and I felt it crack. What surprised me was that this crack hurt way more than the one that had been made when Morelli walked out of my door the night before.
"I'm sorry." I said, so softly I almost couldn't hear myself. "I forgot that your life doesn't lend itself to-"
"Don't." He interrupted me, his arm tightening around me like a vise. "It's not that. Christ, Stephanie," he continued, and I realized that the drugs had weakened his tongue as well as his control over his words. "I want you. In my bed, every night. In my life, every day. I want you to look at me like I'm a fucking superhero, every day. You make me feel like I'm worth something. I want that. But I can't do that to you. I can't give you what you need."
"Can't, or won't?" I asked. There was a different, and I knew it. And I was pretty sure he just wasn't willing to take the effort to try.
"Can't." he whispered. "Babe. There are things you're going to want, things you need, that don't fit with my lifestyle, that never will."
"How do you know I want, or need those things? My lifestyle isn't exactly normal either." I pointed out.
"Babe..." He murmured, nuzzling my hair again. Then he was silent. I had to squish my eyes shut again, fighting back tears. I knew this. I knew this feeling. This was where he sent me back to Morelli. Again.
I was so wrapped up in trying to not cry in front of him, that he startled me when he started to speak again. "I can't offer you the picket fence and 2.5 kids. My love still can't come with that kind of ring. I can't give you what you need."
"What I need or what the Burg expects of me?" I questioned after a slight hesitation. I couldn't see myself with kids, at this stage, and I didn't know if I ever would. All I knew was that I needed this man. That I'd never felt as safe, as secure, and as accepted as I did when I was with him. But I really didn't know if I wanted him to answer this question. I didn't know what I'd do if I lost him.
"What you need, Babe. Even if you don't realize it now." The anguish in his voice was obvious, as was his frustration at being unable to mask his emotions.
"I know what I need. I don't need a ring. I just need you to love me." I whispered into his neck. "Can you do that?"
He was quiet for a minute, then his arm tightened around me as the tension in his body dissipated. I knew he had come to a decision, and I held my breath, waiting for him to answer.
"Every day for the rest of my life."
FIN