23rd Oct 2009 (Fri):
The last couple of months have flown past. I'm doing better in therapy so only have to go once every 2 weeks, my grades have improved and I'm sharing things about myself with my friends. I haven't seen much of Ricky the last few weeks after he went to see Amy in New York. They're giving their relationship a go to see if it'll work, all I know is he's not allowed to have sex with anyone apart from Amy. I don't think he minds especially as we had a couple of times that I stayed over his apartment before he left. The only thing that bugs him is that he's not in control which I understand completely.
I have a doctors appointment later, I've been exhausted, hardly eating the last few weeks and having trouble concentrating. People have been noticing, well my friends because I like to eat. After picking at a lunch I really didn't want in the first place, I tell Amy that I can't hang out tonight cause I have to leave early and have things to do. She wishes me good luck and makes Ricky do the same though he really doesn't need to say it. I know he's worried, he made me make the appointment.

I sit nervously in the waiting room trying to stop my stomach turning over even though there's hardly anything in there. Finally my name is called so I go through to the doctors office. He asks all the usual questions, how long have I been feeling ill, have my eating habits changed, sleeping habits, am I on medication blah, blah, blah… We eventually get to questions I don't expect, when was my last period, last time I had sex etc etc. I answer as best as I can then he takes some blood and tells me to wait while he has it analysed. Once I'm alone I start thinking of all the different things that could be wrong but thanks to his questions about my period and sex life an idea takes hold. Oh shit, I couldn't be, could I? We were safe at least I thought we were. Just as I think that he comes back with my results. "Please tell me" I ask desperate to know. He looks up and tells me what I didn't want to hear " Well by the results of the blood test and the answers you gave me I'd say you're about 8 weeks pregnant. Congratulations." Oh shit.

I don't remember leaving the doctors or picking up my prescription or even making a follow up appointment. The antidepressants must have caused my birth control to fail…bollocks. I come back to myself finding that I've driven to Dr Fields office. I head inside to see if I can talk to him even if it's just for a few minutes. I get in just before his next appointment and tell him everything, having sex with Ricky, feeling ill, finding out I'm having a baby, feeling scared shitless and out of control. After I've calmed down a bit I leave and see Ricky waiting to go in. I pretend to not notice him but I know he's not fooled.

RPOV:
As much as I want to find out what's up with Lou, I have to see Dr Fields. I would ask him but I know he won't tell me but I give it a try anyway. He just looks at me as if to say ask her yourself. I make up my mind to go over after I've finished here. I'm worried something's seriously wrong.

LPOV:
I hear a car pull up outside, I have a pretty good idea who it'll be so I'm not surprised when Ricky walks in. I am surprised by how cautious he's being, normally he'd just walk over and hug me but he's acting like I'm dangerous. "Lou, put the knife down" he says worried.
"What? I'm not holding a knife" I scream at him.
His eyes move to my hands, making me look down. I am indeed holding a rather large carving knife dripping blood in my right hand. Looking at my left arm all I can see is red running down my fingers from the cuts that I can't remember making. "Oh" I mouth before falling to the floor. Ricky runs over grabbing a cloth from my pile of laundry and wraps it around the wounds.
"Come on, I'm taking you to the emergency room" he tells me before picking me up and taking me to his car. As he places me inside I giggle "This is absurd - I'm going to make a mess" This is bad, I think I must be in shock which makes me laugh more.
We get there and Ricky carries me inside giving my information to the desk after putting me in a chair. He then pulls out his phone and makes a call which I can't hear. I'm so dizzy and light headed from the blood loss that I slump forward, falling onto the cool floor. It feels nice. About 10 minutes later I'm carried through to a small room and put on the bed. By this time Ricky is looking white faced, worried and covered in my blood. "I'm sorry" I say starting to cry so he walks over and hugs me just as the doctor and Dr Fields walk in.
"I called him" Ricky explains gently "they would've called anyway and I want to talk to him. Can we go outside?" he asks heading to the door.
As the doctor stitches me up I think about my current situation. I read the information leaflet on my happy pills when I got home, confirming that they caused the birth control to fail, another thing I can blame on them, like the dry mouth and shaking hands isn't enough. Breaking me out of my thoughts the doctor tells me I'll be fine, to rest and not use my arm too much. Yeah, yeah heard it before. Once he's finished Ricky walks back in explaining "Hearing about you cutting and actually seeing are two very different things. I just needed to talk it through, make sure I'd done the right thing. You didn't even know what you were doing and that scared me more than anything else."
"It scares me too. It wasn't until you looked at me like I was dangerous that I realised something was wrong. I don't want you to look at me like that again, I wouldn't be able to cope if I saw fear in your eyes because of me" I whisper crying.
"I wasn't afraid for me, I was afraid for you. You're my closest friend and I refuse to lose you through your own stupidity, I've lost enough that way."
I wipe my cheeks and admit "I just got so overwhelmed today and things have been building up for a while I guess"
"Well then talk to me" he shouts "I'm going for some air and to calm down. I'll be back to take you home" As he leaves Dr Fields comes in. We talk and when he's happy for me to go home he goes to find Ricky and see about getting me discharged. As we're about to leave, he pulls Ricky to the side and says something quietly to him. They think I can't hear what they're saying so I'm not shocked when Ricky walks back over and asks to stay at mine tonight.
"I know Dr Fields told you to stay whether I agree or not so why bother asking?" I grumble.
"He's worried about letting you be on your own especially after everything you told him this afternoon, don't worry he didn't say anything about what you said but even if he hadn't told me to stay I'd do it anyway because you shouldn't be alone tonight"
We drive to mine and exhausted, get out of the blood stained clothes and crawl into bed with me as far away from him as possible until he reaches over and pulls me into his arms, holding me while I cry.