That night sleep doesn't find her. She tosses and turns, trying to get Olivia's words out of her head. She stares at the doorway, trying to block out any mental images. She realizes after a couple of hours that her efforts are futile.
"Get a hold of yourself," she insists in the dark. She leaves her bedroom, and wonders into the living room. She flips grabs the remote controller, and curls up on the couch. She turns on the T.V. and snuggles under a blanket. She watches TV until she's certain that her eye sockets are void of any moisture. Finally around four a.m. after a restless night of infomercials she drifts off.
Sometimes dreams take us from reality, the give us peace. She finds herself dreaming of reality. But her reality is a nightmare. She sits up, in a cold sweat after three hours of sleep. She looks around, realizing that this wasn't a nightmare that was going to end any time soon. In fact, she realizes, it may never end at all.
She stumbles into the kitchen, and turns on the coffee maker. She takes a seat at her kitchen table, yawing widely. As the coffee begins percolating, her eyelids attempt to meet. Once the coffee finishes brewing she pours a cup full. She returns to her seat at the kitchen table, drinking the coffee as quickly as humanly possible. She pays no attention to the fact that the coffee scalds her tongue, or that she drinks it so quickly, she doesn't even taste it.
She pours another cup, and moves back into the living room. She turns off the TV, and slowly sips the second cup of coffee. After a bowl of cereal, and the second cup of coffee she heads into the bathroom for a shower.
Her shower makes her sleepy, but she ignores the desire to pass out on her bed. She towels off, and dries her hair with a hair dryer. She slips into some comfortable clothes. An NYPD t-shirt, in grey, with blue writing, and a pair of athletic pants. She pulls on socks, and shoes. She ties the shoes by the door. She slips her keys in her pocket, and leaves the house.
She barely makes it to the end of the block. She stops, completely drained, and turns back. She doesn't even run home. She slowly walks back. When she steps into the house she slips off her shoes, and throws down her keys. She slams the door behind her, and locks the four locks on the door.
She goes into the kitchen, and gets a bottle of water out of the refrigerator. She closes the door. On the door she stares at Olivia's card. Her phone vibrates in her pocket. She ignores the call. The last thing she wanted to do was talk to her sister. She plays the voicemail, in the chance that it might be important.
"Alex, it's Liz. Call me back when you get this. I haven't heard from you in a couple of days, I was just wondering where you are, and why you're not answering your phone." The message ends, and Alex places the phone on the counter.
The card on the refrigerator taunts her. She pulls the magnet holding it, off the fridge. She takes the card in one hand, and replaces the magnet with the other. She stares at the business card. She crumples it up and throws it in the trash can.
She grabs her phone and begins dialing. After several rings someone answers.
"This is Detective Benson," Olivia answers.
"This is Alex Eames," she answers.
"I'm glad that you called. Did you change your mind? It's ok if you didn't."
"I don't want to have to meet the sister. I don't want to have to explain myself to her."
"I can understand that. I'm sure that I could figure something out. Why don't I call, and see if maybe I could bring Abigail by to see you?"
"I guess that would be ok," Alex answers.
"Great, I'll talk to you later," Olivia concludes.
Alex hangs up without another word. Around eleven Alex dozes back to sleep. An hour later she is awakened by someone knocking on her door. She jumps up quickly, and heads to the door. She looks through the peephole, and finds Olivia standing on the other side.
She unlocks the door, and pulls it open. Olivia stands on the other side of the doorway with a little girl holding her hand.
"Come on," she coaxes gently.
The little girl looks up at her and smiles, "No!"
Olivia bends down, and hoists the baby onto her hip. She steps into the house, closing the door behind her.
Alex's gaze shifts from Olivia to the baby, and back again. Finally she locks eyes with the blue eyed little girl. She stares at the baby for several moments. The little girl with dirty blonde hair stares back at Alex with a smile on her face.
"Alex this is Abigail," Olivia finally breaks the silence.
Alex reaches for the little girl, "Give her to me," she insists.
Olivia gladly obliges, sliding the little girl into Alex's eager arms. Abigail leans her head Alex's shoulder. Alex stands in silence. Olivia watches them closely. Abigail seems at ease in Alex's arms.
"Are you sleepy?" Olivia asks the baby girl.
"No!" she answers quickly.
"Is that the only word you know?" Olivia smiles at the little girl.
"Baby," Abigail answers with a squeal.
Olivia slides the diaper bag off her shoulder, and opens the flap. She pulls out a stuffed baby doll. Abigail reaches for the toy. Olivia hands it to her. Abigail holds onto Alex with one hand, and her baby with the other.
"Talk to me," Olivia asks softly.
"What do you want me to say?" Alex questions.
"What are you thinking right now?"
"How could I not love her? What's wrong with me?"
"There's nothing wrong with you," Olivia rebuts quickly.
"But I didn't want her. I never wanted her. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I'm the monster."
"You're not a monster. You did what you thought was best."
"No. I made the decision for myself. I was selfish, I only thought about what I was going to feel. I didn't care how I was going to make her feel."
"It's only natural. No one would expect you to keep her, no one would even expect you to have her. It's only natural for you to feel mixed emotions about her. She's part of you, but the other part..."
"It shouldn't matter," Alex admits.
"It does matter. It wouldn't be fair to look at her everyday and feel resentment toward her. It wouldn't be ok to look at her and feel like this was a punishment. In the back of your mind you're always going to wonder, no matter how things turn out, or don't. You're always going to wonder if she's going to be like him. You're always going to wonder when nature is going to overcome nurture."
Alex doesn't say anything. She simply looks at the little girl. She clings to Alex as she sleeps soundly, and peacefully. And in that moment Alex's heart shatters into a million pieces. She brushes a strand of find blonde hair out of Abigail's face. The baby doesn't stir.
Olivia watches carefully, finally revealing, "She cried the whole way here. She was crying when I picked her up."
Alex quickly concludes, "She must have been sleepy."
"Maybe," Olivia answers doubtfully.