Notes: Crack warnings.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
"You tricked me, girly." Hidan's words cut and sailed through the morning air and stabbed right into her, an almost physical force that made her step back. He was sitting at the same spot, shirtless, and looked as though he'd been waiting for her.
"I'm sorry," Hinata sighed, ducking her head in apology. "I didn't –"
"Che. Don't apologize – I would've done it too if it would save me from that sorry excuse for a cake," He glared at her accusingly. "You abandoned us back there."
"Was it bad?" Hinata'd brow crinkled in curiosity. She had seen the cake after all and it had been unbelievable – just the amount of froth on top... where had Tobi-san gotten so much sugar?
"Hell, it was worse," Hidan grimaced at the memory and gagged. "I'd choose arsenic over it any day."
"Surely it wasn't that bad," Hinata ventured, frowning slightly. Tobi had been trying to make her feel welcome after all. She had been completely ungracious.
"Yes, it fucking was," Hidan contended. "If Jashin-sama had his way, he'd fucking smite that thing into oblivion."
"Jashin-sama," Hinata repeated, stepping closer now that she knew Hidan didn't hold any significant animosity over last night. "Is he your god, Hidan-san?"
"Just Hidan, seriously, no fucking suffixes," Hidan grumbled then his face took on a level of seriousness she hadn't witnessed before. "Jashin-sama isn't my god – Jashin-sama is the god. If only you damn heathens would realize that. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with all of you? You're all going to wait under you're burning in the fucking pits before you acknowledge him? Well, I tell you, girly, he ain't fucking merciful once you've been damned." He broke off, looking thoughtful.
Hinata spotted right away the slinking zealousness in his eyes and stopped the blitz before it came.
"I-I meant it when I said you were dedicated, Hidan-sa – Hidan," She said the words strongly enough to pierce fanatical atmosphere that was taking over the man.
"So did I – I don't fucking lie, you know," Hidan riposted. "Since you're always so early – you wanna join me in honoring Jashin-sama? Mind you, it's fucking agony at first but it's a sure ticket to eternal salvation."
"I'll, um, pass on that – at least this time," Hinata warily eyed the innocent-looking but thoroughly malicious pendant handing from Hidan's neck, the same symbol she did not scrub off the floor, praying that she wasn't offending the ardent man.
"Fine – join all those heathen bastards in their ignorance. Don't come crying to me when you're all judged as fucking heretics," Hidan nodded to himself in absolute conviction. "Seriously, it appalls me how misguided you all are." He smiled his saintly smile again and Hinata relaxed.
"D-do you really believe yours is the only path to salvation, Hidan-san?" She asked. It was reckless of her – but she was fascinated.
"Hell yes!" Hidan answered without faltering, not even hearing the honorific. He then went on to a full sermon on Jashinism, its somewhat bloody ideals and excessive practices. He was a good talker, minus the cursing every other word.
And Hinata was a very good listener (even if she tuned out the part on virgin sacrifices).
All in all, it made for surprisingly good rapport.
Hinata, yesterday, had made it sound as if she completed cleaning out the ballast. However, one cannot always escape the truth and truth was, she was only halfway through the third room when the rats finally got to her.
Today, unfortunately, she had no dirty deck to escape to and must carry out the continued extermination of carcasses and illegal dumping into the ocean, the ocean fish lived in, the ocean people swam in, the ocean people get food from – she swallowed the guilt. She could hardly expect proper garbage disposal units at this point.
Hinata was unto her fifth dumping when Konan approached her, her pretty, pierced face wrinkling at the smell of decay emanating from the sack, and called her to the captain's cabin.
Hinata's eyebrows didn't quite rise at this – she'd witnessed too many mindboggling things the past few days – but she was highly surprised. Of all the Akatsuki, Pein was the one she saw the least and had the least interaction with (in retrospect, she'd never directly said a word to him). She wondered what had she done to merit an audience with the man. Perhaps she had dumped something important?
Or perhaps Itachi had exposed her duplicitous behavior and all the falsehoods she'd churned out last night? On lesser ships, speaking untruths could be considered treason. She thought she'd presented herself rather well as a harmless person last night, not enough of a threat to merit more than an occasional check. Konan calling her now – it had all the signs of capital punishment. Hinata gulped, feeling that she really was in no condition to renew her acquaintance with the plank.
The audience with Pein really wasn't as ominous as she thought it would be. Rather than being hostile to her person, it was actually pretty enlightening. Konan had finally decided to clarify why they kept her in the first place, despite all her failings as a pirate (and as a human, in general). And apparently, it was high time to put her to good use (Hinata sweat-dropped – what about all her efforts until now?).
"In case you didn't get it yet, every once in a while, we pick up some girl –" Konan started, twirling around a paper rose which seemed to be made of a wanted poster of herself.
"Or boy," Pein interjected smoothly.
"Or boy," Konan amended. "Let them sail around with us for a while, order them around, see if they have what it takes, make them relatively loyal, then release them into the different hotspots to spy for us. It's useful, most of the time anyway."
I'm loyal? Hinata's eyebrows did rise at that. The Akatsuki had never been lax, this much she knew, both from Neji's descriptions and her own experiences, and to suddenly declare her loyal when she was just waiting for a chance to bolt…
Konan addressed that issue of loyalty.
"Most of them find that working for us if far more profitable than any other job they might snatch up – that's incentive," Well, it wasn't incentive enough for Hyuuga Hinata. "And they know we'd have ways to gut them if they betray us, even if they found themselves under the protection of the entire navy." Okay, that worked.
"You're smart and tough enough, judging by your performance these past few days, most of the crew vouched for that. And though we need to work on some things…" Hinata flinched inwardly at the stab at her pride – again, she was found lacking. "…congratulations, we think you're ready."
Hinata wondered if this new development was a good thing or a very bad thing.
"Don't think this is a promotion." Pein stated quietly, so quietly it shouldn't have made her hairs stand on end. But it did.
The conversation, summarized and translated: this is a test.
"You do know how to flirt, right?" Hinata turned to Konan, wide-eyed, as they stepped up to the deck above the captain's cabins at the rear of the ship, a place rarely frequented by the crew and where they could be alone.
She had suspected it would be like this but to have it spoken out so plainly and actually practiced… even the Hyuuga, who prided themselves on educating their children as best they could, didn't cross the line when it came to schooling its heiress in the arts of seduction.
Astonishingly, Konan looked slightly uncomfortable. The blue-haired woman was actually averting her gaze past Hinata, looking distasteful.
"Y-yes," Hinata nodded, pink creeping its way onto her pale cheeks. If you mean at parties with chaperones and bigwigs and gentlemen who wouldn't dare mess with my family. Yes, Hinata's experience with the opposite gender was very much limited by the presence of intimidating men in her life.
"Show me then," Konan challenged in a dull voice.
"W-what?!"
"Flirt with me," The woman repeated. "If you're uncomfortable flirting with me… perhaps someone else? Other girls we've picked up had been uncomfortable flirting with someone of their own sex."
Hinata decided she would be a ten times more comfortable with Konan – she and Hanabi had teasingly done it with each other once before a particularly lavish garden party. And at least Konan didn't wear weapons around her – unless her mode of assault came in the form of vicious papercuts.
"Perhaps you could d-demonstrate first, Konan-san?"
Konan frowned. "We all have our own styles, Hinata. I want to see yours first. Flirt with me."
"B-But I don't know what you like!" Hinata wrung her hands.
"You can't expect to know your victim all the time, Hinata." The word victim made Hinata feel like a vampire. "Just do what you think men would like."
Hinata closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and pretended she had Hanabi's innate confidence. She sauntered over to Konan.
"L-lovely weather, we're having, don't y-you agree?" Hinata tried to smile but the forbidding look on Konan's face halted the expression in its tracks.
"I do hope you're only joking, Hinata," Konan said warningly. "Although we may have run-ins with nobles occasionally, you will be dealing with pirates, thieves and thugs in taverns most of the time. You can easily pull off the charming innocent role which most of them are fond of playing with – use it and stop asking about the weather."
Hinata let out a feeble laugh as she felt her dignity crack.
Konan put a hand to her temple and closed her eyes. When she opened them, they were glinting with determination.
Thirty minutes later…
"Flutter, damnit, flutter! Think butterflies!" Konan, both as Hinata's self-appointed keeper and as a fellow woman, was appalled at Hinata's lack of skill in seduction. Her dormant feminine side was completely out. "Drape yourself around me and do the eyelash."
Hinata closed the space between them and, very stiffly, put an arm around Konan's waist, the other hand on her shoulder. Konan was unimpressed.
…
"Widen your eyes some – act like you're very awed and make him like a big man."
This one had been no problem. Hinata had been stoking egos since she was seven and her friends suddenly developed them.
…
"Now, follow this pose… This pose… This pose… Hinata, do smile when you do that, otherwise you shall look as though you are in pain."
…
"Now twirl around and laugh!"
When Hinata attempted the sassy twirl for the third time, not quite executing it artlessly enough on the first two, her mental Neji popped up to provide commentary.
"The rotation is all wrong, Hinata-sama. Your landing is quite unbalanced."
Mental Sasuke joined him.
"Che. So easy – I could have copied that move perfectly the first time I saw it."
Hinata silenced them both viciously. She was embarrassed enough as it was.
…
"Keep slipping them drinks as you ask – sooner or later, they'll spill."
"The drinks?"
"No – the men."
…
"When all else fails, call the crew member who'll act as your backup and muscle the bastard into talking."
"Why can't we do that in the first place?"
"Because then we'll leave a trail. But if they remember seeing the beaten-up bastard with a wench, people would simply assume some boyfriend or husband did it."
…
"Okay, one more time, I'll be the male." Konan lowered her voice and put an arm around Hinata's shoulders. "Hey angel, what's a pretty little thing like you doing here?"
"Uh, they kicked me out of heaven?" Hinata returned, her smile flawless as she stared intensely at Konan's face.
"…Hinata, that was terrible."
"I'm sorry, Konan-san." Hinata pulled away quickly, eager to reclaim as much personal space as possible.
"This is absolutely fucking hilarious." Hidan smirked as he watched the scene through binoculars, red-faced Hinata floundering around like a lost child and Konan trying to beat years and years of ingrained modesty and etiquette into submission.
"Hidan! Keep your eyes on the damn water!" Kakuzu's voice resounded from the shrouds connected to the mast.
Damn you, Kakuzu!
Hinata's eyes blurred with tears.
Sensitive as they were, they made chopping up onions for the crew's dinner more troublesome than usual. Tobi-san was also called to the closed-door meeting the Akatsuki were having – most likely about the newest venture on land – and it fell to her to carry out his duties.
She was proud to say she knew how to cook, at least in theory. Years of observing fine chefs should have honed something in her after all. If only her first field trial wasn't to be served to the most lethal group she had ever known. But then, Hinata thought as she moved on to slicing some limp carrots, they might not even notice the taste, as obliterated as their taste buds must be by the alcohol they consumed.
…
"I detect a hint of poison in this and you'll walk the plank faster than you can blink." Kakuzu threatened as Hinata served up the meal. If Hinata had taken the chance to look around rather than keeping her gaze on the food, she'd have noticed they were going to eat together. It was like a family dinner, seriously.
"Why?" Hidan asked the masked man. "Tobi does it all the fucking time."
"Tobi… is Tobi. We already know not to trust him." Kisame answered, sending a disgusted glance to the man in question.
And you trust me? Hinata's mind ventured.
"We doubt you have any ability to produce a poison that we would not be able to recognize," Itachi said tonelessly, answering her silent inquiry.
"To hell with the poison! I've been sitting on my fucking ass in that damned nest all day and I'm starving!" Hidan grabbed his share, thanked Jashin-sama for the daily sustenance, and gobbled it down.
The rest of the Akatsuki followed suit (some more graceful than others).
They all froze at that first bite. Hinata tensed, anxiety gnawing on her insides that her meal wasn't up to par, that she might be indicted for trying to cause them indigestion… then Deidara waved her off rather insistently.
Was the meeting starting again?
Confused, Hinata left to the base of the crow's nest where her own meal was waiting to be eaten while she took over the nightwatch.
"Holy shit! This is the first decent meal I've had in ages! Seriously!" She heard someone – three guesses who – exclaim, probably thinking she was already out of earshot. She almost grinned. She did miss being appreciated.
Ah, the stupid little things that make you happy.
"You're cooking forever, girly, even if I'm gonna have to haul all that ratshit junk up myself," Hidan declared later on, when he and Kisame joined her on the nightwatch. "I'm never letting Tobi's bastard ass into that kitchen again."
"I-I'm glad you like it, Hidan-san," Hinata blushed in appreciation at the crude yet unknowingly sincere compliment. Hidan scowled at the suffix, then rolled his eyes and gave it up. It was, in all likelihood, hopeless.
Kisame put a hand to his chin, as if in deep thought.
"Since when were you two friends?" He blurted out after a moment.
"What the hell are you talking about?" The religious man frowned in perplexity. "I don't make friends with heathen shitheads."
"I c-concur," Hinata agreed weakly.
Kisame was amused, but not fooled. It was rather obvious since Hinata had stopped jumping every time Hidan opened his foul mouth that there wasn't as much antagonism, however onesided, between the two. He had to give the girl credit.
"You sure put him in his place last night, Hinata," Kisame chuckled. "It was too bad you weren't there when he realized it."
Hinata flushed at the reminder of the incident. "Ah, I'm sorry about leaving, Kisame-san."
"No problem," He grinned. "Though I feel sorry for the any creatures that encounter the cake we tossed into the ocean when Tobi wasn't looking."
"Damn you, fishface," Hidan growled as awareness dawned upon him and nearly fell off the rope ladder when he made a fist at Kisame. "Why didn't you tell me that? I actually ate that shit!"
"You're the fool who didn't listen," Kisame muttered under his breath.
"You're adjusting well – never once saw you get green around the gills," Kisame said finally, breaking up his and Hinata's staring match and mental scrutiny of each other (though Hinata would never profess that this was the case). He saw a girl who worked hard and didn't complain and that was enough for him.
After all, the Akatsuki had bastards like Hidan to deal out the mindfuckery and bastards like Itachi to do damage control if the girl proved to be more trouble than she was worth.
"I've ridden on boats before," Hinata answered, averting her gaze, gladly retracting her defiant side in relief.
Kisame's interest went up a notch. "What's the best you rode on?"
The Hyuuga Kaiten, the best defensive ship in their fleet or the Hyuuga Hakke, their fastest offensive ship. "I d-don't remember the name, but it was a very big ship my father took me on. It was fast."
"Nothing compared to this, I bet – this ship will be the best you'll ever ride. I rode with the Seven Swordsmen before – rapid fast and stealthy that one, but disgusting defense," Kisame made a face.
"I heard of them –" They had distant connections to the Hyuuga before the go-between – a certain Ao – turned traitor. Then Hinata's mouth turned traitor and stammered up a name before her brain could catch up."One of them – Chojuro?"
"Heh," Kisame's eyes lit up. "You know a few things…"
Hinata started to chastise herself for the slip up but, when Kisame began to talk again of various ships and seas and famous pirate wars, almost unmindful of her burst of exceptional knowledge, she began to understand that maybe not everyone on this ship was out to get her and maybe this was just regular conversation.
It was when they were arguing about the best way to prepare a fish when Hidan yelled down from the nest.
"Will you two stop your fucking yapping already?!"
Early Morning
"I-I don't mean to intrude…" Hinata said before daintily covering her mouth and yawning.
"Geez, just fucking get on with it, we probably won't remember it later,"
"A-after Pein-sama and Konan-san, who holds the highest position?"
"Why do you wanna know?"
"Just curious." To see who to offend least.
"Listen, girly, there ain't no hierarchy on this ship. Captain's captain because he's just that fucking good." Hinata didn't doubt it. "And Blue pulls rank 'cause they're friends – all the way back to wherever, probably since the fucking womb."
"I see the shore," Hinata called from the shrouds. Hours earlier, Kisame had taught her how to maneuver her way around the ropes without getting tangled up in it.
Hidan looked at the horizon groggily, before grabbing a pair of binoculars and peering through them. "Son of a bitch, girly. What terrific vision."
Hinata gazed out to the vast expanse of sea and sky before her, blues and reds and purples and sunshine of a new day. In the distance, she could just about spot a scattering of islands.
Victims, her mind provided involuntarily. Victims.
It was early in the afternoon when Hinata was roused from sleep when the ship abruptly stopped, throwing everything not fastened to the walls forward. She hurriedly shook off the drowsiness from her mind and picked herself up from the deck.
They were in a small cove, very cleverly hidden out of sight by surrounding rock formations. Behind her, Kisame and Sasori went already preparing the smaller boat for their venture into land.
Hinata lowered her head in dread and took breathed deeply. Here was where all the games ended. When they reached shore, she was either going to have to prove her worth or to try to flee. Either option was going to take all the energy, all the wits, and all the luck she had to succeed. Hinata somberly registered what she had of those three characteristics may scarcely be enough but, Kami, with the all the things it put her through lately, the universe had to owe her.
…
It was the first time she saw her reflection so clearly in several days, always having to make use of either the water or the shiny surface of a breastplate she'd found, and the sight had her keeling over in shock. The momentous importance of first impressions and strong, beautiful fronts had always been emphasized upon by the Hyuuga and Hinata, though lucky enough to realize the importance of looking underneath the underneath at a young age, was not completely exempt from this. The girl in the mirror – shabby clothes, messy hair, face flushed with sunburn, dark bruises beneath the eyes – looked worse than she expected.
How can she ever hope to succeed with this face?
(Mental Neji: With that face, you are destined to fail, Hinata-sama. You cannot fight your fate.)
Konan stood behind her, watching with a critical eye, her hands hovering dangerously over a vat of powder, rouge and mascara. "It's not that bad, Hinata. I've handled far worse."
Konan could never be accused of being an expert of making people feel better.
…
The blue-haired woman was surprisingly good at plastering makeup and Hinata was grateful for the thickness of the powders and the copious amounts of color and glitter that, albeit making her look like a clown, made her almost unrecognizable. Even Neji, with his immaculate attention to detail, would have trouble picking her out of a crowd now.
The dress would certainly throw him, Hinata thought with a grimace. True, the outfit she had been wearing aboard the ship had been nowhere close to what a Hyuuga should wear, but at least it had been decent and comfortably loose. This one though…
"Konan-san," She hissed frantically, unable to remember when she'd felt so scandalized (wait, she did, just yesterday in fact when they'd been practicing reactions at crude jokes). "Is this supposed to be a dress?"
Albeit it wasn't like Konan's slimmer, willowy one, Hinata did have a nice figure, even without the corset. But that didn't mean she was going to flaunt it! Neji would have the heart attack that she was putting off if he saw her now – in a tight, white, revealing slip of a dress with ribbons where there should be cloth and ruffles where there shouldn't be ruffles! It truly was a devil of a dress. The Hyuuga dignity might never recover.
But damn if it didn't fit her perfectly.
…
"She looks fine." Pein commented, clinically observing Konan's work.
Just "fine"? Hinata had never been a vain girl but was well-aware enough that her superior pedigree had graced her with more than her fair share of fine features. Lords had commented what a beautiful child she had been, barons and wealthy sons of merchants had rhapsodized on her alluring eyes and lily-white skin, ladies had (through gritted teeth) commented on what graceful figure she made. More than that, Sasuke had said "well, perhaps you're not ugly" and, if nothing else, that confirmed that she wasn't just fine.
(Well, she wasn't exactly at her best that moment.)
Later on, Hinata would realize that Pein's reaction would be the best she could hope for from that group: a fair, positive comment among malicious leers, blasé glances, and a particularly scathing comment courtesy of Deidara ("Gaudy, un").
Next chapter: First mission with Team Zombie! Yes, as I've said – more Akatsuki humor and adventure than romance. Don't worry – later chapters will be pure ItaHina interaction – sweet, adorable and endlessly hilarious if I can manage it. And yes, this story actually has a plot… believe it.