A/N: Hey people! So this is my second Twilight fan fiction, the fist being something that I will never post on here. But I wrote this on a whim while procrastinating on my Vampire Kisses fan fiction. I hope you like it so far, and also! I have important news! I like reviews. So fork 'em over!

Carlisle's P.o.V.

Wow. Just, wow. This was an extremely awkward moment on both our parts. Me, and my foster son who's gender I was starting to seriously worry about.

"Um…I've been better," I answered. A lot better before my son was screaming his erm…unnatural affection for me. "Um, Edward…I'm not really sure that I feel the same way about you as you feel for me…."

"No! Carlisle it isn't what you think!" Edward cut in before I could go any further. "I was just screaming about how I WAS NOT going to have sex with you!"

"Why would you be talking about that in the first place?" I asked, disturbed.

"Well, there was this web site that got me and Bella thinking---"

"Edward!" I scolded. "I told you and Emmett to stay off those types of sites! Do I need not remind you the punishment I gave you two?"

I could almost hear him shuddering. "Yes. And I think stuffing teenagers in pianos is qualified as child abuse."

"And yet you STILL disobeyed me! And now you're dragging poor Bella into your yaoi schemes---"

"CARLISLE! EMMETT'S THE YOAI FAN! HE'S THE ONE WHO FORCED ME INTO IT!" He was starting to blow out my ear with all his yelling. People in the hospital were starting to stare at me and my screaming cell phone.

"But now you're polluting the innocent mind of Bella! How could you?" I asked.

"Innocent? Oh, please! Carlisle, it was Bella who brought up the site!"

Now I was confused. "Bella? Bella's a yaoi fan girl?"

"Carlisle! I don't know what it is with you're obsession with yaois, but do us all a favor and get over it!" Edward ordered, frustrated. "Anyway, there's this website I think you should know about…" he explained to me what had happened when Bella and he had cruised the Internet.

"…and then we came to this really DISTURBING fan fiction involving a yaoi version of us," he finished.

"Edward, what was this site's name?" I asked, logging onto the computer. After he told me and I had correctly gotten a hold of the site, I put the phone on speaker.

"Okay, now go to Twilight," he advised. I did so, and over 5,000 links popped up. "Now just scroll down and see for yourself! Our secret is all over this thing!"

"Oh, no!" I groaned. "Is the FBI on our tail again?"

"Emmett wasn't kidding?!" I heard Bella say in the background.

"No," Edward said, sounding stressed. "It's this person called 'Stephenie Meyer'. All the fans are constantly mentioning her in most of their fan fictions. In fact, most of the fans are obsessive about her."

"Hmmm…." I clicked on one that caught my eye. It said my name and Esme in the summery.

"Hey, I found one about Esme and me!" I told him, excited and pleased. I heard Edward gasp.

"NO! CARLISLE, DON'T------" Edward oared. But it was too late.

" 'Carlisle! I never meant to forget picking up groceries!' Esme screamed as her oncoming husband looked over her, holding a belt. 'Bitch, do you actually think you can keep feeding me 'dem lies! Bitch, that's some serious shit, dere!' Carlisle cracked the belt as hard as he could.' "

I stopped reading to myself and sat there in disbelief. "Edward," I said into the phone. The other line was silent.

"Yes, Carlisle?" Edward asked, defeated. "I tried to warn you. Those damn fan people are animals, I tell you. SICK! Sick minds!"

"Edward, I beat up my wife in this thing," I was transfixed with the screen. "And it appears that I can't even form a coherent use of the English language. Apparently I'm gangster in this…erm…story."

"Would you prefer to be gay?"

"Erm… no thank you. Does anybody else know about this?"

"No, just you, me and Bella."

"I think they definitely have a right to know," I said with a conviction. I passed by a fan fiction that mentioned the young werewolf Jacob Black and Edward. "Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Have you seen the fan fiction by---" I snuck a peek at the fan person's name who wrote this, "---'DeathToJacobBlack'?"

There was a pause. "You know, maybe these fan fictions aren't all that bad," Edward mused. I heard Bella yelling very explicit language at him for saying that. The doctor passing by the cubicle looked in at me, alarmed.

Suddenly, the line went dead. "Hello? Edward? Are you there?"

Beep, beep, beep.

I shook my head and continued pursuing the site. Bella was going to kill him.

Edward's P.o.V.

"Bella!" I warned her, backing up against the wall. "Bella, you know I don't like him. It was just a joke---"

"Just a joke?" she echoed, her nose flaring. She reminded me of a dragon. "It's funny that you want my friend to die?"

"Yes." I thought it was obvious.

She rolled her eyes and stalked off to the computer. I picked up the remains of my cell phone. If I had any idea how good Bella was with her arm, I would have never said anything. Maybe then, my cell phone wouldn't have met its fate with her wall.

I joined her after a few minutes of mourning for my good old Motorola.

And to my amazement, she had actually clicked on the Jacob one. She blushed and shrugged. "I was curious."

" ' Jacob lay there, moaning in pain. Edward was laughing softly. 'You are going to die, wolf,' he said. And then Edward ran him over with his Volvo, sending little bity Jacob bits all over the forest floor.' "

Bella looked fairly sick after she was done reading that. I however was happier about the whole fan site thing.

"Huh," I mused. "There might be some promise in this site, after all." I ignored Bella's dagger glare and went on to a different story.

OH. MY. GOD. I tried to scroll down really quickly before Bella could see it, but no such luck.

"Wait! I thought I saw something," she said. Reluctantly, I went back up.

" 'Jacob is actually a vampire. Edward lied to her Bella all along. What happens when Bella ditch's the lying Edward for the honest Jacob? Warning: sex, drugs and explicit language are included.' "

"Erm…right. Let's scroll up, shall we?" Bella suggested, blushing. I was only too happy to oblige.

A/N sorry it isn't as funny, guys! Next chapter, I'm thinking of doing Jake's take on this. Submit your decisions! Much appreciated!