Hey guys, sorry for the lack of updates :( I have been dealing with some personal issues, hope you understand.

Also I need some ideas for the next chapter, feel free to pm me or write it down in the comments thank you.

Warning this story contains suicide,self harm you have been warned.

I own nothing.

Dead inside

Chapter four

Hiccup's P.O.V

I was laying down on my side, looking out my window it was nice fall morning, everyone gets to go out, except for me. while I'm stuck in bed for suicide watch, ugh my life just sucks, I hate this I just want this thing to end and go back to the forge.

Almost five days now of bed rest, and I hated every single day of it, I didn't see the point of this at all, I am fine. My dad is acting like I have just broken every bone in my body and won't let me do things on my own.

I wasn't allowed to get out of my bed, unless I had to go to the bathroom. Also I'm not allowed to go out side any time soon that's for sure, my dad is afraid that I might wonder off some where and get my self hurt, yeah right what could I hurt my self with?! A stick maybe? I mean you already took away all my knives and shit, what else could he take from me?

I sighed, my life is nothing but a mess, everyone still hates me, my father is in protective mode like a maniac, watching me almost 24/7. What else could happen?

I spoke to soon.

Suddenly my door opened, it was my father. Great perfect timing.

"How are you?" He asked.

"I'm fine."

He nodded, running his fingers through my soft brown hair. Looking at me with worried eyes as he pulled me in to a embrace, I rested my head on his shoulder, feeling his wool cloak, as his chest went up and down. He started to rub my back a little, it felt good. I sighed, how did my life ever come to this? I had to try to kill myself so my father could notice me and stop neglecting me. God my life is a mess.

Why couldn't I just die for thor sake! All I'm doing is making everything worse for everyone here. I hate this, all of this, If I just would have died then everyone would have been happy.

After a few minutes of coddling, I looked up at my father.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked like a scared child, hell I'm still a child.

He looked at me with a sad confused expression, tracing his finger along my cheek. My father knew what I was trying to ask him, I wanted to know if he was still upset over my suicide attempt. I wanted to know if he felt ashamed of me for doing such a thing. Over the last couple of days it's been nothing but silence, just small talk here and there, nothing else.

But today just felt different.

My father sighed."I was never mad at you." He said pushing my long brown locks behind my ear."None of this is your fault, if anyone is to blame it's me." He said sadly. " I failed you Hiccup, I should have been their more for you. To protect you, to love, to be the father you deserve."

I kept listening to him, taking in every word he said. And he was right.

Ever since my mother died, my father changed, he wasn't the same loving man I once knew as my father. He became more distant and cold heart towards me, he would never look at me, let alone love on me like he is right now. I remember one time when I was seven, I broke my wrist while playing at the forge. Instead of being comforted or asked if I was alright. My father told me to toughen up and stop being weak. Yeah not the best father at the time for a little girl at my age.

I remember when I was ten and began my own way of "healing" and when I mean that, I mean I was slashing my wrist open with any sharp object I could find in the forge or in my house. It hurt at first, and I cried a lot, but after a while it started to feel good, as if all the weight was lifted of my shoulders. Or at least until I felt sad or depressed again.

Then I saw tears starting to roll down my fathers eyes, He was shaking a little as he cupped my slender cheeks, I closed my eyes as I let him caressed my face with his large hands, I know he loves me. But all I feel is shame, being a runt that can't do anything right. I'm the girl who can't kill anything, not even my self. Gods only if my beloved mother was still here, if she was still here, none of this would have happened. I wouldn't be cutting my self almost everyday when ever I got upset or depressed, I wouldn't be having suicidal thoughts if she was here, she always knew how to take the pain away. I wanted to die so I could be with her, I wanted to see her smile and hug her one last time.

I'm the only thing my dad has left, I guess when I tried to kill myself, it reminded him I was still here. But now I wish I could just take it all back and act like none of this ever happened. Oh gods that would be such a relief.

Then another question came to mind.

"Dad." I trailed off."Does everyone still...you...know hate me?" I asked.

At first he seemed a little taken back as his eyebrows drew together, he kept looking at me for a few seconds, then he sighed and opened his mouth.

"No one hates you, Hiccup." He brushed some of my hair away."I know a lot of people haven't treated you well, but I'll take care of it alright?"

I nodded.

"I'll bring you up some soup, Okay?" He said getting off my bed, opening my door and leaving to go downstairs to go fetch my food.

Again I nodded, looking up at him as he left the room and went down stairs to go get some soup.

I layed back down on the bed and sighed.

I don't want to be here, not on Berk.

I have to get out of here, before I lose my mind and jump off a cliff.