Hi folks! Welcome to the New Year!

I'll let you get to it. See me at the bottom.

Disclaimer: Don't own. Just playing in her sandbox.

Chapter 3

BPOV

I don't know why I was so scared.

Angela was harmless. She just brought a lot of stuff. Sappy, girly movies, comedic romances, comedies, action, adventure; she always did have such a diverse DVD collection. She also brought Scrabble, which is my all time favorite game. She successfully distracted me all night and well into the morning. I don't think we actually got to sleep until around 5am.

I stood up and stretched; sitting on the couch for too long made my limbs ache. The last movie we watched, The Big Hit, was replaying on the T.V. Buster was sprawled out on the floor in front of the couch. His ears and tail twitched as he heard my movements. I glanced at my phone, 9:46 it said. I yawned before gently shaking Angela's shoulder. She groaned and knocked my hand away. I laughed quietly.

"Angela, wake up. Breakfast?"

"Hmm, okay." She mumbled from under her arm.

I shook my head at her before heading off to the kitchen. By the time I made it to the fridge, Buster had made it to the kitchen as well. He came over and nuzzled my hand. I scratched his head, feeding him a dog treat since he stayed up with us too, then moved to fill his water and food bowls.

I got the ingredients for omelets with bacon and wheat bread for toast. By the time I had the toast ready, Angela was lumbering in, rubbing her eyes. She used one hand to sign 'Good Morning' and I acknowledged it with a hum. Buster bumped her thigh when she sat down at the island. She scratched his head same as I did. I plated the food, having set out the plates already. Angela poured the orange juice and we all tucked in, Buster included. He was trained not to eat until I did just in case something happened. It rarely ever happened, well except once…I shook my head to clear it. I wasn't doing back there today.

Angela tapped my shoulder. I glanced at her.

Are you okay? She signed.

I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut tightly against the memories that threatened to overtake me. Buster stopped eating and plopped his head on my thigh, along with a paw. He whimpered, alerting me to his change in breathing pattern. I listened for a moment and then changed my breathing to match his. Sometime later, I came back to myself, calm and relaxed. Angela rubbed my back once she knew I was calm and wouldn't react badly to her touch. I also knew it was coming so I could expect it. Buster woofed quietly and went back to eating.

"I hate it when that happens." I sighed quietly.

"You should be proud. You got through that in about five minutes. Before, it used to take you more than a day." Angela grinned at me.

I grinned back and finished my food. Angela, having finished hers went to clean up the kitchen. She took my plate once I was done and we headed our separate ways to get ready for the day. We met at the front door a half hour later. I pulled Buster's identity vest on, deciding to keep him close to me today. Despite my being able to hold myself together, the last 24 hours have been rough and I needed the comfort he provided.

We took my jeep since the back seat of Ang's car was too small for Buster to fit. We went to a few local shops and bought some clothes and books. We had to go to Petsmart to get Buster groomed, a new collar, and a few new toys. I did love to spoil him. Our last stop was a grocery store. Angela needed to get a few things. I stocked up on more water and a few other things.

By the time we made it back to my place it was going on seven. We decided to order some Chinese and I fed Buster while Ang ordered. We settled in with a movie after the food arrived.

Although she avoided it, I knew she wanted to talk more about this morning but I wasn't ready yet. When the movie was over, she surprised me by asking about something different, though not altogether completely unexpected.

"Still thinking about the tattoo?"

My head whipped to the side to look at her. She didn't look at me but she did hazard a glance.

I hummed and thought for a moment. Then, because I did not feel like speaking at the moment, I gestured for her attention before signing.

Yes, I thought about it last night. I do still want to get it. But I don't know if I will ever be able to go on my own.

I shook my head as she was about to offer to go with me like she always did when this topic came up.

You know I need to do this on my own. I know I've come so far but this is something that I need to do, to solidify the knowledge that my body and my mind are my own, no one else's. The problem is that that concept is so much easier said than understood. It's been three months since I first drew it up but the idea has been with me for a year now. You know this. I just cant seem to…

I let the sentence die off, Angela's look of worry and pride warming my heart but also making me realize that while I have come so very far, I'm not where I want to be and I don't know if I'll ever get there.

"Okay, Bella. I get it. I just wish you would realize that my being there, or even you just asking for the tiniest little bit of help, by no means means that you are weak or incapable. In fact, it's the opposite. You are strong enough to do everything on your own, but asking help, for support, means you have the power to choose whether you want it or not. After all the therapy and support groups, I'm surprised you still haven't gotten hat concept down yet." She shook her sadly.

I knew she was frustrated with me on that front. I was never good at asking for things because, well, asking meant trouble, which in the end meant pain, and while logically, I knew Angela would never lay a negative finger on me, some things took more time to let go than others.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"No, no, don't be. You are doing the best you can and I appreciate that. I cannot change the way you think or the rate of change. And I don't want to. But I do want you know when and if the time comes, you might not have a choice."

~LoL~

Looking at the design later that night, I felt my eyes start to water and my breathing accelerate. Angela left for home after we watched another movie. We didn't speak again, except to say goodbye. She wanted to get a leg up on some work before the week started and to catch up on some sleep. We didn't part on bad terms; the tension was just heavy and I had a lot to think about. She was giving me space to do so.

This design meant a lot of things to me, some I was ready to confront and others I didn't even want to touch with a ten-foot pole. But I knew, at some point, it had to be done. What would be the point of all the progress I made, if I couldn't overcome this hurdle? I don't want to go back to questioning every tiny detail of my life and being suspicious of others. I don't want the nightmares to increase. I don't want to go back to the lack of sleep or the drugs.

I don't want to back to ten years ago.

I cant.

Buster comes into my room, having come in from doing his business. He jumps on my bed and whimpers when he senses my mood. His head falls on my leg and I scratch his ears.

"I'm alright, Buster, I'm okay."

Grabbing a tissue from my bedside table, I wiped at my face and came to a decision.

I apologize for the lack of update. Things went from bad to worse for me almost right after the last update and I needed time to get it all together. Good news! I'm officially a college graduate! YAY! No more homework until March when (hopefully) I start grad school. Obviously, that means I'm on a break. So in between looking for a job and possibly moving, I'll be writing. As I said before, if this story garners enough attention, I may make a posting schedule but right now there isn't one. I'll update when I feel like it or a chapter's done, which ever comes first. But I promise not to make you wait long. I know how painful it is to wait.

Next update: Wednesday/Thursday

Still looking for a beta. PM me if interested.

How we doin' so far?

R4L