Chapter 4: Distance

Three years later…

The turians' return to their home-world, following the Reapers' destruction and the mass relays' repair, had been triumphant at first. When they actually arrived, faced with the silence and dust of planet-wide desolation, it became solemn. Once their dead were attended to, their first order of business was restoring what they'd lost. Cipritine, the capital, was more or less back to the way it had been before the war by now. However, since most of the other cities were still being reconstructed, the capital was surrounded by refugee camps even as most of the citizens reclaimed some semblances of their former homes.

Garrus Vakarian had returned to Palaven almost immediately after this process began. After a more-pleasant-than-expected reunion with his father and sister, he'd resumed his post coordinating turian efforts and done what he could to assist with the rebuilding (as his specialties were largely in shooting things, his part was mostly technical support, but every little bit helped at that point). He was still technically advisor to the Primarch, so he used his position to secure a new home for his family as soon as the possibility was available; however, he refused to use his position to get himself ahead (at least, that's what he told everyone, since his reasons also included that he preferred to be alone as much as possible these days), so he was residing in a house at the edge of the city that overlooked the one area not technically set aside as a refugee camp (the reason for that was because it was home to a crater left by Reaper fire, but at least that meant it had a nice view of the horizon).

This particular day didn't start any differently than most days had since he moved in. Waking up, still clinging to dreams for the few minutes before he remembered they weren't real and never would be, was generally the easy part of the day. It was the rest of the day that was always hard, going about his life as if there wasn't a gaping hole in it. He rarely kept contact with his old squad-mates. He sometimes wondered where he would be—who he would be with—had things gone differently on Earth. He always stopped himself, though. Wondering was pointless. The past was beyond his control. The future would take care of itself now. The present was his concern. Unfortunately, the present was also his problem.

The nice thing about his position in the hierarchy was that he didn't need to show up for work unless he was specifically needed. He still usually went by, if only to keep busy, but it was completely up to him when to do so. Today, he resolved to do that later. First, he had family to see.

Trebia was on the rise as he left the house and started to make his way closer to the city center. The city was already busy by now. Turians had a way of making themselves busy, naturally, but it had been necessary the past three years. Close as Cipritine was to rebuilt, parts of the city were still technically under construction. Supplies were rushed to and from the refugee camps on the outskirts and the other cities in the process of restoration across the planet. Medical personnel were constantly on the move until the hospitals were properly reconstructed. Soldiers were fortifying defenses they had lost to the Reapers, prepared for anything even in the galaxy-wide peace the war had left them in. It was hectic and noisy from dawn to dusk, but the citizens had gotten used to it, particularly since the majority of their residencies were in the relatively quiet outskirts and already restored city center. The markets and transport stations had even returned to business as usual, because, as a human would say, "life goes on."

Garrus had grown accustomed to finding a way through the bustling crowds in the area between his house and his family's. He sidestepped and ducked past the vast number of turians milling like ants through the district, barely even taking note of his path until he'd reached the side street that cut through to the hub of the capital. Once he was in the clear, he made his way down the road to the complex that his father and sister were living in.

He'd barely knocked on the door when Castis himself answered. "Garrus. Is everything alright?"

"Just dropping in," Garrus answered, stepping past his father to let the door close behind him.

Solana stood nearby, smiling at the sight of her brother. "Are you ever gonna stop worrying about us?"

"Considering everything that's happened? Probably not in the next 30 years."

She scoffed. "Like anyone would mess with us. You're a war hero now. They hear the name 'Vakarian' and go running right past sniper range."

Garrus smirked. He hadn't always been close to Solana, especially not during his Omega days, but he could usually count on her to "lift his spirits," as the humans would say.

"Aren't you needed with the Primarch?" Castis inquired.

"I'm still technically a military advisor, so I'm not much use for reconstruction. Right now, the main concern is reestablishing trade routes with the asari, which I'm obviously not gonna make much of a difference in. I'm still going by, but I doubt I'll be doing much." He sighed. "Never thought I'd miss C-Sec."

Castis couldn't help but smirk at that comment. "Yes, well, much as it refused to fit with you, you are better suited to hunting down criminals than telling people to do it for you."

"Always was. But…I don't know, you just see a lot of things differently after a war."

Solana waited for a few seconds after the silence ensued by that comment before deciding to avert the conversation to something else: "Why is the Primarch so concerned with reestablishing trade routes? I thought all the mass relays were fixed."

"Yeah, but there's a lot of new debris fields to go around and everyone else is trying to map their own courses at the same time. The thing about reconstructing an entire galactic civilization? The littlest things tend to cause the biggest problems, probably because they seemed too simple before."

Solana simply shrugged. "Anything's better than total extinction, I guess."

"You'd think."

Castis shook his head at his kids' exchange. "You two go ahead, then. I have some old friends to get in touch with myself." With that, he left the room.

Once he was gone, Solana turned to her brother. "Speaking of old friends," Solana smirked, nudging him, "what are you planning for the first night in town?"

Garrus just looked at her. "What are you talking about?"

Solana returned his look curiously. "You haven't heard?"

That's when Garrus' omni-tool started beeping. He checked it, finding a message from Liara there.

Check the news feeds.

"Guess I'm about to." He closed the message and did what his asari friend suggested. Former Cerberus operative convicted by Alliance—unimportant. Quarians about to finish isolating code to restore geth—he already knew that. Restoration progress, krogan colony debates, diplomatic envoys—wait…

Commander Echo Shepard arriving in Cipritine today.

…she's coming here. Today!

For the first time in years, Garrus completely froze. Once the hand not holding his omni-tool open was leaning on a wall to keep him upright, his brain seemed to entirely stop sending signals to his nerves so as to reserve power for processing this information. This couldn't be possible. What business could the Alliance or the Spectres have that would bring her to Palaven? He'd been so careful to stay away. Three years he'd gone only hearing about her in few and far between news reports about her latest exploits, never once allowing himself to wonder if she'd found someone else or if she was happy or if she resented the lost memories. And now, after all this time, she was coming to him. Why? For how long? And why did it suddenly feel like someone was sapping all the oxygen from the room and all the blood from his legs? He tried to take a moment to shake it off and steady himself, but again the thought would intrude—she's coming here.

He didn't bother wondering why no one had warned him before now. None of his crewmates had stayed in contact with her except Liara herself. Most of the others, possibly thanks to Joker, realized that Shepard's actions were what had resulted in the geth's temporary extinction and EDI's unfortunate demise; knowing that regaining her memory of this action would destroy her with the guilt of killing a friend and dishonoring the legacy of another, those members of her old team had elected not to remain in her life, worried they would rekindle those particular memories and hurt her. The rest had been on the side of attempting what the doctor had suggested to bring her back, but they had all abandoned that plan as hopeless when Garrus walked away and proved the others right. Liara had approached Shepard as a friend and remained in distant contact with her, but despite growing into possibly the best friend she had after the war, she had never attempted to bring back old memories or even mentioned that they had met before the restoration efforts began.

Now those efforts seemed to be bringing her right to the one person in the entire galaxy who needed her most. And who most needed her to stay away from him.

"Garrus?" Solana's voice cut in, snapping him back to reality.

He fumbled to close his omni-tool, but he didn't face his sister. His reaction was hard enough to take without letting her see it. It wasn't as if she wouldn't have expected this to be hard on him. He had told her and Castis that Shepard had been damaged in the final battle and that he had cut ties. He hadn't mentioned there was more to his relationship with her, but that was partly because he had always suspected that they still knew. Perhaps he had simply been that obvious during those six months she was out of reach after they had already given everything to each other…

He pushed that thought back. Thinking back to the old days made things worse. Although not near as much worse as they were about to be.

Solana, naturally, saw he was upset. Suddenly regretting her earlier teasing, she sighed. "Are you gonna be OK?"

…I don't know. His mind was still wrestling with the concept that she was about to be so close. It'd been hard enough staying away when she was five relays jumps into the distance and he had no idea where on Earth to find her. How was he supposed to hold himself back when she was literally just on the other side of town? He tried to focus on wondering what she was doing here by opening the news report that was currently advertising her arrival, but he couldn't bring himself to look. What would it do to him to see a picture of her now? She'd always had a way of wearing him down. If he saw her now, he'd want more. More was exactly what he couldn't have. For her. He'd walked away for her. He had to stay away for her. He couldn't just skip town for a few days unless he knew how long she'd be staying. But he also couldn't ignore her that long, not if she was this close.

On the other hand, if her entire stay was going to torture him by sending half of himself running after her and the other half running away, maybe it was best he clear out. As it was, he wished Liara and Solana had both just not mentioned it and hoped he didn't happen to inadvertently run into her.

Solana came over to take his side. She didn't make contact or even look at him. She simply stood there, her presence the only support she could offer. "It must be harder than I thought. I'm sorry."

Garrus still didn't move. But he did bring himself to voice his concern now. "Sol, I…I don't know what I'm gonna do."

She looked at him this time. In that one look, she hoped to convey that he was stronger than he gave himself credit for. When he didn't respond, she turned to tell him so. "I know how you feel about her."

Garrus sighed despite himself. Suspicions confirmed. Wonder what Dad thought about it?

"And I know you had your reasons for leaving. But I also know you, Garrus. If it's the right thing for her, you'll do it, no matter what it takes." She gave him a moment to consider this. She could tell he knew she was right. She even saw his tension lessen, though his stance remained unaltered. Seeing through this to what was truly bothering him, she voiced the truth he didn't want to face: "…but if she really means that much to you…I think your choice is already made."

He couldn't deny this. It rang through him so clearly that his warring thoughts dispelled. Whether or not he lived up to this choice was the real issue at hand. "Right. Thanks." He finally came to the conclusion that staying here and dreading it would not change things. Also, he could not act on any decision he did happen to make unless he left the house. "I, uh…should probably go."

Solana nodded. "Thanks for dropping by, then."

Garrus nodded back and started to walk out.

Solana waited until he had opened the door to leave before she brought herself to speak up again. "Garrus…"

He stopped and turned to look back at her.

"…I'm always here if you…need someone to talk to."

Garrus just looked at her, almost incredulously. "Seriously?"

She sighed. "I'm still your sister. I know we haven't exactly always been close but…well, things change."

Garrus turned those words over in his head. "Yeah. They do. …that's sort of my problem." Seeing she wasn't going to answer this statement, he was threatened with the same what-might-have-been thoughts that had plagued him for three years, but he chased the threat away and resolved to remove the temptation. "See you." Then he walked out, letting the door close behind him.

As he left the complex, he began to turn to head towards the building that was acting as the new Palaven Command. He stopped before he even took the first step. He tried fighting against his instincts, urging himself to just keep walking, but he couldn't deny the reason.

The transport station. Where she would be arriving. It was back the other way.

Solana had been right, of course. He knew what he had to do. His entire brain was screaming at him to go, forget while he could, keep his guard up before everything collapsed around him. Liara had sent him that message for a reason and ignoring the warning wasn't going to get him anywhere. He didn't know how much it would take, how long he could be around her, before it all came rushing back, the very event he'd been trying so hard to prevent. He couldn't risk being that close to her and losing restraint. He couldn't just trust that he would walk away again if he had the chance to take her back. He wasn't willing to cross any line that might end in her getting hurt. He had made the choice three years ago to walk away and there was no changing that. He wasn't just walking back in as if nothing was different and taking back the second chance he'd fought so hard to give to her. It wasn't about what he wanted, it was about what was best for her!

But it wasn't a question of staying, was it? It was a question of if he should even go. He hadn't seen her in person since he first left her. So far, he had no proof that she truly was better off. He could only assume. Assumption was the enemy. He needed to know she was happy. She didn't even have to see him. Just a couple seconds, just long enough to give him the proof he needed, so he could tell himself from then on that he wasn't just making excuses when he said she didn't need him.

So he made his decision.

He wouldn't risk throwing away what he'd given for three years. But he also wouldn't dare throw away a chance like this, not knowing what she meant to him. Steeling himself and biting back his inner protests, he turned around and started off.

He had to see her again.