Normalcy is Overrated
AU Written pre-HBP. With Lord Voldemort busy with...other things, is it possible for Harry to have a normal 6th year? ...Probably not. RHr HG
A/N: Hey, dudes. Like Maj? She's possibly one of the best OC's I've ever created. Don't like OC's? Tough—this fic will have four or five important ones in all (maybe more; I haven't finished the outline yet). SerenityRose016- I really, really appreciate your reviews. If you want a special OC cameo, give me a description of you in your next review, and I'll squeeze you in a vacant slot (I like to keep options open). turns and stares at non-reviewers See? Just review and you can have fame and fortune, too! In fact, next chapter, there will be a little contest! Winner gets a cameo, but you have to review to enter! Details next chapter, but I shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch. Now, I should shut up and get to the story...
Disclaimer: Well, I'm bored. ...Don't own Harry Potter, or Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure...or that cool top from American Eagle that I really, really want...or the Taj Mahal...
Chapter 4: Don't Touch the Red Button
"Most of the evils of life arise from man's being unable to sit still in a room." –Blaise Pascal
XxXxX
Bling-bling-bling-bling-bling-bling...Bloop-beep! Bling-bling-bling-bling-bling-bling...
The incessant blinging, blooping, and beeping of the pinball machine was keeping the entire Death Eater headquarters up all night. MacNair, in particular, was the most afflicted, having the room closest to the living room. Trust us—you don't want to get on the nerves of a sleep-deprived executioner.
As a result, the quality of the Death Eaters' evil labor took a serious dive. Let me illustrate it for you—the week before, they had killed four innocent wizards, blew up a Muggle bridge, and booby-trapped nine public toilets. This week, Lucius graffitied a park bench, Bella and Narcissa stole some tubes of lipstick from the mall, and Greyback bit some girl's teddy bear. Without the invaluable leadership of their supreme leader, they were falling apart.
That's not to say Voldemort didn't give instructions. They just weren't as detailed, foolproof, and coherent as they used to be. When Snape asked for further spying instructions, Voldemort turned to him (after losing another ball, of course), and demanded, "Snape, how good is Dumbledore at pinball?"
Snape almost laughed out loud at this, except that Voldemort's red eyes looked more sinister than usual because they were so bloodshot and had deep purple bags under them from lack of sleep. He immediately arranged his face into what he hoped held a combination of reverence, awe, fear, respect, and curiosity, (but actually looked like a combination of amusement and constipation) and respectfully asked, "My Lord? Forgive me for asking, but why?"
Voldemort's right eye started twitching, and he said, in a very low and serious voice, "I need you, my good servant, to spy on Dumbledore, glean as many pinballing secrets as you can from him, and report back to me IMMEDIATELY. Do you understand?"
"Yes," Snape said, even as he thought, Hell, no.
XxXxX
When Snape got up the nerve and asked him a few days later, Dumbledore looked as confused as it is physically possible to look.
"Voldemort asked you to ask me about pinball?"
Snape twitched at the mention of Voldemort's name, and said, "Yes. Okay, now that I've asked you, can you just admit you don't know anything so I can report back without lying—?"
Dumbledore held up a hand to silence him, and said, with a twinkle in his eye, "Now, who says I don't know anything? I'll have you know I was the Scotland Pinball Champion three years running. Now..." He trailed off, staring into space, "...how can we work this to our advantage...?" He paused, then grinned insanely. "Tell him..."
XxXxX
"...and he never touches the red button," Snape finished saying. He was back at the Death Eater Headquarters of Doom. Voldemort was absorbing the garbage Snape was feeding him like a sponge. Snape could only attribute it to lack of sleep.
"But why? Why not the red button? What significance does it hold?" Voldemort demanded.
Snape inwardly sighed with exasperation. The Dark Lord had no appreciation for dramatic effect. "He never touches the red button, O Dark Lord of all Supreme Discomfort, because he fears to. He believes its dark powers are too grand for him to control. However, I'm sure one as trained in the great arts of death and evil as yourself could bring its great might to heel..."
"Yesss..." Voldemort began to get excited. "Yes, of course...he would be too 'principled' to utilize its awesome potential... I must test it!"
He dashed into the living room. Snape stood in the doorway, just to see what would happen.
What happened was: Voldy launched a ball, whacked it around the machine for a while (obviously his skills were improving), and surreptitiously reached under the table for the red button (marked by the yellow label reading, "DO NOT PUSH!"). He pushed it.
What happened next truly belonged on an episode of "The Twilight Zone". The ground began to shake. A greenish glow began to emanate from the ball, which began to rocket around inside the machine of its own accord, as the entire table started to rise into the air. The blings, bloops, and beeps began to sound more eerie and sinister, more like ghostly voices wailing, "Doom! Doom! Doom! Doom! Doom! Doom! ..."
A menacing face appeared, shimmering in the air above the machine. Pale green-skinned and red-eyed, the face grinned to reveal pointed fangs and cackled. Its silver hair blew about its pointy ears like flames.
The Death Eaters barely noticed, mostly because they all were still in a hazy fog of sleepless exhaustion. All except Jugson, who hardly slept anyway, due to his constant state of sugar-induced hyperactivity. You see, he was the Death Eater who got his head stuck in the time jar at the end of OotP. When they pulled him out, his brain was roughly at the four-year-old stage. The best Healers the Death Eaters had simply couldn't fix it. The best they could do was to fix his head physically, so he looked normal. However, he still had a four-year-old brain and IQ.
Getting back to the situation at hand: Voldemort was plastered against the wall by the blowing wind, Snape was swearing filthily and covering his eyes with his free hand, and the few Death Eaters near at hand were in various stages of drooling, staring off into space with bloodshot eyes, or, in Jugson's case, kneeling with his forehead pressed to the floor, believing this to be a sign from the Great and Almighty Barney that the Sacred Pinball Machine was to be revered and venerated. (It has always been theorized that four-year-olds worship characters they see on TV. This is slightly off the mark. Four-year-olds' brains and free will are completely subjugated by televised airwaves until they grow old enough to develop immunity, which usually comes too late and they end up indoctrinated by marketing executives. Ask any parent.)
The wind and spectral wailing reached a crescendo. The malevolent face laughed wickedly, and said, in a voice reminiscent of the guy who sings The Devil Went Down to Georgia:
"YOUR HIGH SCORE HAS BEEN SET TO ZERO!"
Immediately the wind stopped, the face disappeared, the doomed voices stopped howling, and the pinball machine dropped to the ground with a thud! The only clue of what had transpired were the blinking letters on the display screen spelling out, "LOSER".
"NOOOOOO!" Voldemort yelled in anguish. "I spent 3 weeks setting it to 6,666 points! NOOOOOOOO!"
XxXxX
"So, how'd it go?" Dumbledore asked, with a twinkle in his eye, when Snape got back. Snape closed the door to Dumbledore's office behind him, his face white and his hands shaking.
Snape forced out through clenched teeth, "You knew that would happen..."
Dumbledore laughed. "Yes, I had a feeling he wouldn't have read the manual. I'm sure rebuilding his high score will keep him busy for a few more weeks while we plan our next move..." He then noticed Snape's pale face, his twitching eyes, and the numerous small cuts and scrapes across his face. "What happened to you?"
"...You could have warned me..." Snape choked out.
"Did Voldemort punish you for giving him bad information? He normally doesn't go for physical violence—" Dumbledore stopped, seeing Snape shake his head. "What, then?"
"What the hell kind of purpose was that supposed to serve!" Snape exploded violently, unusual for him.
"It's just the reset button..." Dumbledore said, almost at a loss to explain why Snape was behaving so weirdly.
Snape froze, not liking how the conversation was playing out. "You mean it's not supposed to wail and rise up and smash stuff with wind?"
"Uhh...no..." Dumbledore looked vaguely nervous now. The both of them just looked at each other for a long moment.
"Let's never speak of this again," Snape said decisively.
A/N: Oooh...scary. Why did that insane thing happen? What does Jugson have to do with it? Will the Death Eaters be much of a threat this year? (Answer: No) And what was with the evil demon person? Guess whose face it is, and win a magical prize! (Hint: It's not President Bush, though that would have been a good guess. And The Devil Went Down to Georgia has nothing to do with it, I just like that song.) Review, and I won't be forced to go nuts and chew off my writing hand!