As much as The Joker just wanted to kidnap Bruce Wayne, throw him over his shoulder, and lock the billionaire in his basement—literally—the prince of chaos didn't think Bruce could take any more of his...advances.

And he didn't want to break his new toy just yet.

So The Joker decided to dial it back a notch, and just stick to good, clean murder for a while.

Starting with that bitch, Rachael.

Who was currently tied to a chair.

Soaked in gasoline.

The sound of the clown's footsteps as he walked into the room caused her to jerk and frantically turn her blindfolded head back and forth. The Joker ignored her for the time and walked over to the henchchlown who had tied up the Assistant DA while he checked to be sure no one would notice her absence.

"Here ya go, boss."

The minion handed his boss a lighter, and The Joker dismissed him with a jerk of his head.

"Joker, is that you?" Rachael asked.

Said madman turned around, and his smile dimmed. Maybe he should call the man back and kill him for not gagging her.

"What do you want with me?"

"What do I...want...withRachael Dawes, Assistant DOA?" The Joker repeated, flicking open the lid to the lighter.

"Assistant DA." She corrected.

The Joker looked up from the lighter. "Really? And here I could have sworn there was an 'O' in there. Well, you'll be...DOA soon."

He burst into giggles while he waited for that to sink in, still flicking the lid open and shut.

"No, I won't."

The confidence in Rachael's voice made The Joker stop, and his smile turned frozen. He leaned against the wall and waved his hand, even if she couldn't see the motion.

"Do go on."

She took a deep breath and lifted her chin. "The Gotham PD saved me last time, and if they don't do it again, Batman will."

Except The Joker had actually been discrete—for once—in his kidnapping because he was hoping Batman wouldn't show up for just this one time—another first.

But explaining that to her would just waste even more time, so The Joker flicked on the lighter.

Just as Batman burst through the door like an actual fucking superhero.

The vigilante started toward Rachael, but The Joker got there first, holding the lighter just over her head.

"Ah-ah-ahhh." The clown sang, waving a finger at the Batman with his free hand.

Who shouldn't even be there, because no one knew of the bitch's disappearing act. Which meant perhaps Batman was monitoring Rachael, although that was highly unlikely since The Joker had been stalking her himself for two weeks and hadn't noticed anything.

"Let her go." Batman growled, although he took a step back.

So if Batman wasn't following Rachael, then that must mean he was following...him—The Joker.

Who promptly threw his head back in a maniacal cackle at the realization.

"Batman?"

"It's alright, I won't let him hurt you."

The Joker stopped laughing. Nothing quite like sappy, heartfelt exchanges to kill the buzz.

Even worse, he knew Batman was at least half right. Although he could probably kill Rachael, it might make Batman break his one rule, particularly in the light of The Joker's recent...phone call.

But maybe it would be worth it to watch the bitch burn.

Batman growled and took a step forward when The Joker suddenly reached into his pocket, but a wave of the lighter stopped him from getting any closer.

"I just want to play a friendly game of caaaaaards, that's all." The Joker said with mock innocence.

His right hand showed a spread of four jokers, and he slowly waved them around so Batman could see the cards from all angles.

"I'll let her go...if." The Joker paused and absently licked his lips. "You can pick out a joker. If not..."

The clown gestured at Rachael with his left hand, the lighter coming dangerously close to her hair.

Batman looked back at the cards spread in The Joker's hand. Of course, what he didn't know was that in the brief second he had looked toward Rachael, the trickster had already switched the cards out with the four Aces up his sleeve.

But he probably suspected.

"Wellll-uh?" The Joker asked, flicking his tongue out at the end of the last syllable.

"I just have to pick any joker, and you won't hurt her or resist arrest?" Batman asked.

That last part hadn't been part of the deal, but what the hell.

The Joker straightened out of his habitual slouch. "I give you my word."

Batman stared at the cards, debating, and the clown had to fight the urge to start laughing again. He might die—or at the very least, get beaten to within an inch of it—but it would be worth it to never have to listen to Rachael act like she was oh-so-important to his Batsy. Ever. Again.

"I choose..." Batman paused and met the madman's gaze. "You."

Fuck.

That was something even The Joker didn't see coming, and he was tempted to drop the lighter anyway, just out of pure spite.

But then the meaning of the words really hit him. Brucey-boy might not know it yet, but there was more truth in that sentence than probably anything else the billionaire had ever said.

The Joker clicked the lid shut before he dropped it just as a special reward for Batman finally saying out loud what he'd always tried to deny.

Then he lunged forward, half tackling the other man as he pressed their lips together.

It wasn't quite the way he had imagined their first kiss, and Batman's lips remained frozen and impassive out of shock, but damn if it wasn't absolute perfection.

The Joker continued to take advantage of Batman's temporary paralysis to ravage his mouth, nipping and sucking eagerly at the vigilante's bottom lip.

He had almost succeeded in drawing the stubborn bit of flesh into his own mouth when he was shoved away and punched so hard, his feet probably left the ground altogether.

"Wh-what's happening? Batman?" The dumb bitch cried, still tied to the chair and unaware of the glorious mouth rape that had just happened beside her.

The Joker's head had slammed into the floor when he hit the ground, and he could already feel a bad case of the fuzzies coming on, despite his gleeful giggles.

True to his word, The Joker lay there—although not exactly quietly—and didn't resist arrest, mainly because he had already passed out.

But it was definitely worth it.

a/n: So I'm a day late...and I have no defense...sorry. On the bright side, I promise I'll update on time next week, despite it being spring break.

Also, I'm upping the rating for this story to M, which I probably should have done after last week's update, and will definitely have to do before next week's update ;)

And for those who didn't catch on or have questions, this is set after TDK, but Rachael was saved by the Gotham PD. She went into witness protection though, pretty much exactly the way Gordon did, so that everyone (including Harvey) thought she was dead.

She might appear in later updates, so just keep that in mind.