Chapter 4- Life's Little Jokes

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Sirius entered the pub and walked straight to the bar. Customers tried to get Rosmerta's attention, but she only had eyes for him. When he leaned against the polished counter and asked for a butterbeer, chilled, not warmed, she smiled. Along with the tankard, a scrap of parchment was slipped into his hand. He winked and turned away, strolling toward his waiting friends. Seated across from James, he listened to Peter complain that a Slytherin snitched the last acid pop at Honeydukes with half an ear while he covertly read the note.

I'm taking a break in 5 minutes. Come round the back.

A wheedling voice penetrated his thoughts. "Don't be angry, Prongs. I…I thought you'd think it was funny, like Padfoot. See, he's smiling."

Sirius resisted the urge to roll his eyes. So Peter followed the Slytherin out of Honeydukes and hexed him for nicking his sweet. It wasn't the first time. He said reasonably, "Can't blame him the sneaky little rat for doing what comes naturally."

"Sometimes you have to control so-called natural urges," said Moony.

Throwing up his hands, Sirius declared, "I have a natural urge I can't control, and as the line to the Gents is out the door, I'm going out the door as well. Order me a sandwich while I'm gone!"

His friends heckled him on the way out, making him chuckle as he headed around the back of the Broomsticks. He was reaching for the handle when the kitchen door opened.

"Hurry, I don't have much time."

Grinning as she pulled him inside and then backed him against the door, Sirius kissed Rosmerta and then teased, "And I thought you were going to try and give me the brush off."

"I was. I fought not to want you so badly." She did things to his lower lip that made his head spin. "I lost."

The next kiss was deep and wet. When the help called back that she couldn't handle the crowd alone anymore, he growled, "Let them wait."

-

"Let them wait, damn it!" Sirius repeated, when his shoulder was shaken.

Bursts of laughter brought him fully awake. He cracked open his eyes to see James standing by the bed, holding a beaker of coffee. Raking back his hair, Sirius sat up and took the mug, muttering, "Best bloody dream I've had in ages and you lot go and ruin it. Thanks…did you put salt in my coffee too?"

"No, just sugar," said Peter, who moved forward to offer a piece of toast. "And butter, no jam, just the way you like it."

James snorted. "Wormtail stole that from Moony, so you'd best appreciate it."

Sirius looked toward Remus and said around a mouthful of toast, "I'll appreciate the generous Professor Lupin even more if he saved me a rasher of bacon."

"Stop calling me professor." Rising from his chair, the boy tossed a rolled up serviette onto the bed.

Un-wrapping the bacon, Sirius said incorrigibly, "I'll call you Friar Moony, if your holiness would prefer."

"Stuff it."

"Okay." He obediently crammed all the bacon into his mouth.

Peter grimaced at the sight of him chewing. James said, "I should give you detention for being a disgusting prat."

When Sirius began to talk, Remus held up a hand. "Silence is golden, my son." He smiled. "Best get a move on. Transfiguration starts in twenty minutes."

Gulping coffee, Sirius plunked down the mug, threw off the covers, and ran for the lavatory. Behind him, Peter asked, "D'you think a Frenchwoman gave him those knickers?"

The boy in question pretended not to hear, shutting the door on his mates' speculations. He slipped off the black designer underwear, smirking. Wormtail had been dead on, and Sirius would always remember that weekend on the Riviera fondly. The blonde's name had started with an F, he was almost sure…

Fifteen minutes later, Sirius was finger-combing his hair and on the way to class. McGonagall was the one professor he never pressed his luck with. Slughorn would let him slide into class tardy, but the Head of Gryffindor house was as strict about punctuality as she was about posture.

"Oh gods, we're not going to make it. We're doomed. We...are...doomed!"

"Peter, shut up and run!" ordered James.

Sirius jogged down the corridor, silently laughing over the Head Boy encouraging students to break the rules. His mate was still a Marauder at heart. They filed into the classroom with a minute to spare. Remus and Peter took the table left empty at the front of the classroom, while he and James slid onto the bench at the back. Exactly upon the hour, the classroom door slammed shut. A few students who had been holding whispered conversations jumped at the sound.

At the front of the chamber, the professor adjusted her witch's hat and curved her lips in a restrained smile. "Welcome back to your seventh and most challenging year of Transfiguration. If N.E.W.T.s do not weigh heavily upon your minds…" Her sharp gaze flickered over the students and focused on the back of the classroom. Thin lips pursed. "They should. The exams will direct the course of your futures." Her eyes narrowed. "I expect each and every one of my students to apply themselves to reaching their full potential."

She didn't have to say "or else". It was implied in her tone and gimlet stare. Sirius looked around, idly wondering who she was subtly threatening. The professor shook her head and pointed to a cage at the back of the room. "Your first assignment will be to transform a mouse into a snuffbox."

"But we learnt that Transforming Spell first year," several voices cried.

The professor's smile reminded Sirius of his mother, in a good way. "Nonverbal."

He grinned and saw an answering gleam in cat-like eyes before McGonagall began to answer individual questions. She was tough and challenged him more than all the rest of his teachers combined. No wonder she was his favourite.

"This is my worst subject. If I didn't need it to become an Auror, I'd have chucked it after fifth year," grumbled James.

Sirius laughed shortly. "What's that mean, you get an E instead of an O? What's wrong with Exceeding Expectations?"

"Some people prefer to be Outstanding."

Jerking his head toward the girl walking toward them, Sirius said, "She thinks you're an outstanding git. Does that count?"

James stared at Evans like a forlorn puppy. She bit her lip when she met his eyes, but didn't show any sign of relenting her 'don't call me Lily' stance. Heaving an exasperated sigh, Sirius tugged his mate to his feet. Edging out another pair to stand behind the stubborn redhead and one of her giggly friends, he waited until she got to the head of the queue and silently chanted a Timere spell. The docile white mouse Evans picked up became suddenly overwhelmed by fear and ran up her arm to hide in her hair.

"Oh! Oh! Get it off me!"

As Sirius had anticipated, James immediately reached out and sifted his fingers through the girl's hair to release the creature, which bit him for his trouble.

"You're bleeding, give me your hand," ordered Evans, once the now-calmed rodent had been returned to the cage. She examined the puncture wound. "This isn't bad, I know a healing spell…" her brisk speech trailed off when she looked up and saw the way James was eating her up with his eyes. Blushing, she murmured the charm and then snapped, "You probably brought it on yourself by looming over me and frightening the poor thing!"

Picking out another mouse, she tried to flounce off, only to find Sirius blocking her way. He said, "You might want to pick the droppings out of your hair."

Once he and James got their mice and returned to their seats, his friend leaned close to say, "I didn't see any mouse droppings."

Sirius followed the other boy's gaze to where Lily Evans wasted valuable class time frantically shaking her hair and smiled.

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Mondays had been manic in London, but in Hogsmeade, they drifted by at tortoise pace. Rosmerta enjoyed having a lie in and the opportunity to do the marketing and inventory without feeling rushed, but by the afternoon felt restless. Work kept her mind from wandering in troubling directions. Without it, she felt adrift, and on edge. Needing a distraction from daydreams of a motorbike ride for two, she decided to drop by the bookshop.

She'd meant to visit Buy the Book before now, but had been too busy familiarising herself with Dad's account books and schedule and suppliers. Located next to the dress shop, the bookstore had been run by a grumpy, ex-librarian sort when she'd been in school. Rosmerta wondered what the new owner was like.

A bell jangled when she opened the door. Rosmerta entered and saw that the interior had been renovated. It was now brightly coloured and well lit, with a Wizarding radio station providing upbeat music in the background. The smell of coffee brought her attention to the left hand of the shop. She was shocked to see it had been remodelled into a tiny café. Such a thing was common in Muggle cities, but in clinging-to-Victorian-era Hogsmeade?

"I sell more biscuits than books, not that I don't make a damn fine chocolate chip biscuit," said the woman sitting behind a counter. The brunette marked her place and closed the book. She asked with a smile, "Read any good books lately?"

"No."

"Brilliant! I've got loads. Buy one."

"Okay."

When the witch hopped off the stool, Rosmerta saw that she was tall, with short hair and a thin, clever-looking face. Somewhere in her mid-twenties, the witch had a wide, friendly smile. "Hullo. I'm Fiona, the proprietor, clerk, and server. You are?"

"Rosmerta."

Dark green eyes widened. "The Rosmerta?"

"I'm not a Celtic goddess, but if you meant the woman who's running the Broomsticks, that's me."

Grinning, Fiona grabbed her hand and then shook it firmly. "I may belong to the Ladies Society, but I don't listen to gossip."

"I wouldn't blame you if you did; it's more interesting than talk of food stalls."

"Well, I might have heard you ran off sixth year, but now you're back to help your father."

Rosmerta shrugged. "That's true."

"They also claim you can have any man you want, so they're keeping a close watch on their husbands." With a laugh, Fiona said, "My husband's not among the living, so I'm just pleased to meet someone who wants to buy a book."

Not sure how to respond, Rosmerta said, "I'm sorry."

"For my lack of business or lack of husband?" Smiling wryly, the unusual woman explained, "I have an inheritance; thank Merlin, since knut-pinching villagers and students hardly make it worth keeping the shop doors open." Leading the way further into the book area, she sighed. "My husband loved Hogsmeade. He bribed me with a cottage and shop to stay after we left school and married. After the…accident…two years ago, my little girl Natalie needed to be near her father, and I didn't want to leave Artie either, so we stayed."

"Did you ever regret it?" asked Rosmerta. Immediately, she was struck by how that might sound. "Don't answer, I was rude to ask."

"No, it's a refreshing change from that lot who "Mrs." each other so proper-like and then gossip behind their backs," Fiona said, before admitting, "Sometimes, but most days I'm glad I stayed." She escorted her customer to a large display of books. "This is my 'best sellers' rack. Romance, mainly, but you'll find several mysteries and a few…"

"Mum, mum, I don't want to practise my writing anymore. I want to go play next door with Emma!" a dark haired little girl cried, running across the shop to hug her mother's waist. The upturned face was sweetly pleading. The child looked to be around seven, by the missing front tooth.

Fiona looked at the clock on the wall and said, "Alright, you can go, but before you do, say hello to my new friend Rosmerta."

Round brown eyes looked at Rosmerta with a hopeful expression. "Are you our new troop leader? Mum said if she ever found more than fair weather friends…"

"Natalie! Are you tired? Because you're babbling, and if that's because you're tired, you can take a nap," Fiona cut in.

"No, I'm not tired. I'm going to see Emma. Bye Mum, Bye Miss Rosmerta!"

"Bye Natalie." Amused by the mother and daughter, Rosmerta didn't ask about the mysterious troop, enquiring instead, "Would you have a book on the history of firewhisky?"

"I have 'Ogden's Finest, A History of Excellence' over in the Scotland section."

Rosmerta nodded. "That'll do. It's for my father." Picking a romance with a cover depicting a man clad in black leather straddling a motorbike, she said, "This one's for me."

Fiona's eyes sparkled. "I think he's for every woman."

"Hmmm...Maybe I'd better pick this one instead." The next book portrayed a wizard in Quidditch robes. Turning on the back, Rosmerta read that he was a player looking for a reason to retire.

The woman's smile soured. "That one's got a journalist heroine so thick, she can't figure out he keeps giving her exclusives because he's crazy about her."

"How does it end?"

"Dunno. I had to stop reading it or risk damaging the merchandise."

Laughing softly, Rosmerta decided, "I'll go with your recommendation." She purchased the two books, and a half dozen biscuits to tempt her father's appetite.

Back at the pub, there were no customers waiting for her to open, so she walked around back and decided to extend her break a little longer. She fixed a pot of tea and delivered a mug with several biscuits and the firewhisky book to Da. He made her smile with his look of interest.

In her own rooms, she pinned up her hair and walked into the lav. Within minutes, she was lying in the bath, holding the book up to keep it away from the bubbles and water. As she read, her lips turned up then down. The heroine met the bad-boy hero and told him she wasn't interested, and yet within days snogged him behind the goblin mission she volunteered at! Did she have no self control? The bloke might've saved her from a werewolf, but that didn't mean she had to grab his arse and squeeze to show gratitude! There was obviously a tart beneath that goody-two-shoes surface. Feeling morally superior, Rosmerta eagerly turned another page.

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Walking into the Great Hall Thursday night, Sirius nudged James. "Do you feel it?"

"What, your elbow?"

"No, the tension in the air…our public is holding its collective breath, waiting for us to strike."

"Well they can hold it until they turn blue, but we're going to behave ourselves this year."

Once they were seated, Sirius looked across the table and pleaded, "Moony, make him see reason."

Remus told James, "Surely there's room for compromise."

"For Merlin's sake…"

Sirius slapped his hand on the table. "No, for Marauders' sake…c'mon, we're not talking bad prank here, jamming some bloke…"

"Last term, Carrows, ring a bell?"

Peter leaned forward and reminded, "B…but you said he deserved to go in the toilet for using spells to blow air up girls' skirts and see their knickers!"

James said tersely, "True, but it's the first week of school, no one's done anything, and I refuse to pick on someone who doesn't deserve it!"

"He has a point…a mindless stunt hardly adds to our reputation," said Remus.

Sirius reached for the lamb chops in the middle of the table and grumbled, "Then we'll simply wait and prank the next git who rightfully earns it." Trading James the chops for peas, he told the boy shovelling a mound of food onto his plate, "Pass the mint jelly, and I don't mean literally this time, or you'll be getting a thwack."

Holding his earlobe as if already feeling the painful flick, James snickered. "What's the matter, you can dish it out but you can't take it?"

Sirius grinned. "How well you know me."

Later, halfway through a large serving of chocolate gateau, James said, "Hey, what's that Ravenclaw doing coming over to our table?"

Terrence Boot, the Ravenclaw Quidditch Captain, was helping Lily Evans to her feet, smiling and gesturing to her ever-present schoolbag, offering to carry it.

"He's not a prefect. What does he want with her?" James' tone was low and resentful.

"I think he just asked her to study with him in the library," said Remus.

Watching the couple leave the Hall, Sirius leaned over to tell James, "That sure looks like a git who deserves a prank to me."

Peter nodded eagerly. "Y…yes…he deserves a prank to me too."

Face set with the effort to control his emotions, James looked across the table. "Friar Moony, what say you?"

"That sure looks like a git who deserves a prank to me, Robin."

Trying to conceal his glee, Sirius waited until they returned to their dorm to say, "If the only thing that happens tomorrow is Boot gets pranked, Evans will go straight to McGonagall and blame us."

James threw off his robes and yanked down his tie. "Then what are we supposed to do?"

Sirius stretched out on his bed, clasped his hands behind his head and smiled. "We create a smokescreen of epic proportions."

"But Padfoot, we already did smoke bombs, third year." Peter scratched his head in confusion.

"No, Wormtail, he means we pull one prank to divert attention from the other," said Remus. Pulling up a chair, he sat and asked, "What did you have in mind?"

"Something inspired by that Muggle story you told us first year. The Three Little Pigs..."

-

Friday, after a night of planning and sneaking out to borrow key items and stash them in an unused classroom off the entry, Sirius wasn't the only one who slept in and barely made it to class on time. By mid-morning, however, the four were fully awake and had put the first part of their plan into action.

Taking a position near the target's second class, Peter stepped in front of Boot and was knocked to the ground. Sirius immediately rushed forward and shoved the Ravenclaw, loudly telling him to pick on someone his own size. While Boot stammered denials, James and Remus covertly hexed him with a double dose of their special version of the Confundus Charm. Showing no outward confusion, the Quidditch player apologised to his 'victim' and continued to his next class.

The spell didn't manifest until just before lunch, when Boot went to use the lavatory near the entry. Unknowingly confused, he went into the wrong toilet. Feminine screams and shrieks of anger made students stop to see what was going on. When the lavatory door finally opened after being mysteriously stuck, the boy was red faced and begrimed with cosmetics thrown by outraged girls.

The small crowd, which laughed at Boot's embarrassment, laughed harder when squeals echoed in the main corridor near the entry and students caught glimpses of pigs that ran into the Great Hall. At the staff table, teachers stood and ordered students to catch the animals. Shouts of "I can't!" and "They're greased!" were joined by "They've numbers painted on them!" Soon, cries of "I saw a 1!", "This one's 2!" and "That pig had a 4 on it!" rang out. One by one, slippery pigs were captured, until Slughorn, McGonagall, Sprout, and Flitwick each urged their houses to search beneath the tables for the missing number 3 pig.

While most of his housemates were crawling and peering beneath the table, Sirius was surveying the pandemonium. His cheeks ached from constant grinning. As proud as he was of the mischief managed, his triumph was complete when James lifted his goblet of pumpkin juice and called out, "The honours go to Padfoot. Huzzah!"

Peter sloshed juice in his enthusiasm. "Huzzah!"

Remus grinned wolfishly. "Huzzah!"

After bowing in humble acceptance of well deserved praise, Sirius glanced over at the staff table. Headmaster Dumbledore was watching him with a hint of a smile. Professor McGonagall, on the other hand, was not. She had either decided the prankster couldn't count, or correctly deduced there was no pig running round with a 3 on it. Face pale with fury, she beckoned imperiously.

Sirius looked at James and said, "Can't have the Sheriff arrest you. Who'll rob from the rich and give to the poor? Stay here with the men, Robin. This one's on me." Feeling almost merry at the prospect of a blistering scold and weeks of miserable detention, Sirius walked jauntily to meet his fate.

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A/N: The strangest things inspire. This chap, it was a scene from Little Shop of Horrors where AudreyII tells Seymour "He sure looks like plant food to me!" LOL. Although I pinkie promise never to have Snape sing "Be a Death Eater...you have a talent for causing things pain!" (although I giggle madly thinking of the words "and teaching would suit you still less") I can't promise not to gush over wonderful readers who took time out of busy lives (and studying for grueling exams) to review! The s'marvellous people who reviewed last week were...…♥ 40/16 ♥ AAMLrox ♥ alix33 ♥ Arilla Rossi ♥ Carnivalgirl ♥ cupcakeswirl ♥ dragonrider HP ♥ ElspethBates ♥ FNP ♥ GraceRichie ♥ honeymuffins ♥ ishandtwofourths ♥ Libeku Taganashi ♥ MollyCoddles ♥ NazgulGirl ♥ Newbie GK ♥ RahNee ♥ sunny9847 ♥Verity Weasley ♥ waterdreamer ♥ and ♥ Writer-in-Disguise♥