AN: I don't own Harry Potter, that's quite obvious, I'm not rich. :)
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Chapter Four – Acceptance
Harry sat in the stony after silence with his head in his hands. It had been two months since he'd found out about his Leukemia. Two months of pure hell really, and now this was just the tip of the iceberg. Doctor Mark Gleihgan and Harry's aunt sat silently beside him, while Doctor Elaina Forge's words still rung in his ears.
"The tests came back positive. I'm sorry, Harry, the cancer's progressed quite far. I'd say you have a few months, maybe more."
"We can start you on treatments again as early as this evening, Harry –" Mark started.
Harry shook his head, not looking up. "No, no, no more," Harry sighed sadly and tiredly, fighting back a sob.
He'd had enough; he was tired of being sick. He had been in and out of the cancer hospital all summer for aggressive radiation and chemotherapy treatments. School was starting in a couple of days and he wanted to be there for the rest of whatever time he had left. He wanted to be with his friends, if he still had any…
As he looked up to the two medical partners, who had been both his Muggle and Magical physicians since the first week back from school, he glanced at his aunt who was staring numbly at him with tears in her eyes. "Aunt Petunia, please, I don't want to go through Chemo anymore," Harry pleaded shakily.
Petunia closed her eyes briefly and then breathed in and out deeply, before she looked up at the two doctors. "You are sure there isn't a m-magical cure? Harry said that if we found a W-Wizarding doctor that there'd be a cure."
Mark looked at the woman with sympathy and then at the boy sitting dejectedly in front of him, this had already been thoroughly explained to the boy at the beginning, but obviously hadn't been explained to his aunt. He looked back to her. "You have to understand, Mrs. Dursley, Cancer is not a Wizarding disease; very few Wizards have ever been diagnosed with it. Any magic that could fight it has only ever sped the disease up for reasons unknown. I'm very sorry, but Harry's only chance is to continue with the Muggle methods."
"Harry, we have had some remarkable breakthroughs with Chemotherapy, there is a chance that you could still go into remission if you continue," Elaina argued.
Harry shook his head adamantly. "I've seen the odds, it's not worth it, and I'd likely die during treatment anyways. I'm tired all the time. I'm sick so much that most days I can't even get out of bed. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I want to go to school and be with my friends while I – while I still can. Please, Aunt Petunia, please don't make me," Harry pled again, looking at his aunt and fighting back his tears.
Petunia looked at her nephew, into his frightened green eyes, eyes that were his mother's, her sister's. They'd never got along, Harry and her, but she'd seen him over the last weeks, fighting to be strong even when she had to take care of him when he hadn't the strength to stand after treatments. This was a side to her nephew that she couldn't ignore any longer. There was a lot she had learned about the boy this summer. Harry was a nice, brave kid, even with being a Wizard; he didn't disserve this, especially not after losing his godfather and all he'd gone through.
"If Harry doesn't want the treatments anymore, then he won't continue with the treatments," Petunia said firmly, though it cost her much to know that the boy now only had months left to live, if that.
"Thank you," Harry whispered, lowering his eyes to his hands and breathing out heavily.
The doctors both sighed. "All right, Harry, but there are going to be things that you will have to know," Elaina said seriously. "Especially once you get to the final stages."
"You are going to have to tell your Headmaster and Head of House, as well as the Hogwarts Medi-Witch. We're going to give you some medicines to help once the pain gets worse, as well as some nutritional supplements for days when you don't have an appetite. I will explain everything before you leave here and show you how to inject them yourself and the proper amount of pills to take."
Harry nodded and then asked for a few minutes alone. He needed time to process all of this. Everyone complied and left him in the medical office alone. Harry put his head in his hands again. He couldn't believe all this was happening. He couldn't believe it when he had first found out, now it just seemed so unreal.
He was dying.
And he had to tell everyone, he had to tell Danielle, who'd already lost her father to cancer. And Voldemort was still out there and he was supposed to be the only one to defeat him, but he was dying.
He was dying.
Harry choked back a sob and then another until he finally just let his tears come.
--
"You have everything? Medicines, syringes; all the instructions the doctors gave you, you understand it all?" Aunt Petunia asked fretfully on the morning of the First of September.
Harry nodded as he pulled on his jacket, a new jacket bought for him by his aunt, as were the clothes he wore that actually fit him. He was still getting used to his family caring about him. It seemed that the second they had found out about the cancer they had really realized that he was only human and not some freakish monster left on their doorstep at the age of one. Harry had grown quite close to his aunt as she had been the one primarily to help him after each treatment.
Danielle had been there just about as much through the entire summer as his aunt. He'd assumed that once she found out about his cancer that she'd not want to be around him anymore, but she'd stuck by him everyday. It was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do, saying goodbye to her the night before. But he was glad she went to a boarding school as well. He didn't want to put her through seeing him die like she did her father.
"I have everything, Aunt Petunia, and yes I understand all the instructions," Harry assured her awkwardly and took the black knit cap she held out to him. He'd taken to wearing it after the second week of treatment when his hair started falling out. Danielle had bought it for him. It was the only thing that hid his scar now. He put it on, thinking sadly that at least now he didn't have to worry about the messiness of his hair, as he didn't have any.
Harry's aunt looked to be indecisive about something as she rung her hands, and then she suddenly hugged Harry. Harry was momentarily taken aback, but then briefly hugged her back before she let go just as quickly as she'd grabbed onto him. "If – if you're up to it, we'd love to have you home at Christmas."
Harry's mouth dropped open, but he quickly closed it and then nodded. "If I'm –" Harry stopped abruptly, not able to continue and swallowed back his tears. "I'll be home for Christmas," he said firmly instead.
Uncle Vernon walked into the house from bringing Harry's trunk out to the car. "We'd better be going, Harry, don't want to miss your train," he said softly. Harry nodded and picked up his empty owl cage. Harry missed his owl and couldn't wait to see her again.
"You be sure to tell that man – the Headmaster of yours, to o-owl us if you – if you…"
Harry nodded sadly to his aunt. "I will," he sighed.
Petunia hugged him again briefly and this time Harry reciprocated right away. When he pulled back, his aunt had tears slipping down her cheeks. He closed his own eyes and then turned to follow his uncle out, but stopped abruptly when Dudley called from the stairs.
"Harry, I just – I wanted – Take care, Harry," Dudley said lightly.
"You too, Dudley," Harry said back and then followed his uncle out to the car. He looked back at the house he'd grown up in as they pulled away. This was likely the last time he'd ever see it, and for the first time, he wasn't so eager to leave it.
The ride to Kings Cross seemed to be very short. The time was spent in silence, with Harry staring out the window deep in thought. He knew he'd see his friends and the Weasley's when he got to the station, but he wasn't sure if that was where he wanted to confront all of them about this. He knew he needed to tell them, but the truth was he didn't know how they all felt about him. He'd not answered any of their mail and had sent their letters back unopened, including his birthday presents. He just couldn't deal with both the Wizarding world and his cancer, and his friends just happened to be part of the Wizarding world. And maybe in the long run, it would be better if they didn't care for him.
When they got there, Vernon parked the car in the car park, and unlike past times, he helped Harry get his trunk out and onto a trolley and then walked with Harry to platform nine. When they got to the platform, Vernon spoke for the first time, making Harry look up from his feet, at him.
"If you'd like, Harry, I'll tell them for you."
Harry glanced to where his uncle was looking and saw that the Weasley's were just arriving as well. He was tempted to call out to them, but didn't as he turned back to his uncle and shook his head. "No, thank you, Uncle Vernon, I'll tell them," Harry said with a heavy sigh and then continued to walk forward, Hedwig's cage held more tightly in his hands, but then he stopped and looked back at his uncle. "I can get my trunk the rest of the way, y-you don't have to follow me to the other platform if you don't want to," Harry said lightly.
Vernon watched the group of redheads disappear through the apparently solid metal barrier and then pushed Harry's trunk onward and straight through the barrier without even batting an eyelash. Harry could only followed in numb astonishment.
When he stepped through, he saw Vernon had called out to the Weasley's, who all stopped and turned to see Harry. Vernon put a hand on Harry's shoulder and steered him towards them, pushing Harry's trunk along. "You're Harry's friend then?" he asked Ron gruffly.
Ron nodded, just as shocked as Harry was, to see Vernon Dursley on Platform Nine and Three Quarters. He took in Harry's pail complexion with concern, as did the rest of the Weasleys. Harry just stared back at them, feeling guilty that he hadn't answered anyone's letters.
"Good," Vernon said curtly and then turned Harry to look at him, both his hands on Harry's shoulders. "If – if anything happens and you want to come home, I don't care if I have to drive all the way to that – that school of yours. We may never have gotten along, but you're family and we take care of our own."
Harry didn't know what to say. He knew that this might be the last time he ever saw the man, and Vernon was well aware of that as well. At one time, this would have been a wonderful occasion for both of them, but not any longer. Harry nodded reeling back his emotions. He swallowed thickly. "Thank you, Uncle Vernon, for everything," Harry said sincerely. "I- I'll see you at Christmas."
Vernon stared at his nephew for a long moment before he nodded. "O-owl us, so we know how you're doing. And if you change your mind about – we'll have them up to the school as soon as they can get there…"
"I'm not going to change my mind, Uncle Vernon, I'm sorry, but I – I just can't do it anymore," Harry said shakily, a tear slipping down his cheek.
Vernon nodded in understanding. "You're such a brave boy," he said sadly. "You t-take care, Harry," Vernon said waveringly and then squeezed Harry's shoulders briefly and turned and walked back through the barrier.
Harry stared after his uncle; Vernon had tears in his eyes as he left. Another tear fell down Harry's cheek. That had been the most emotion he'd ever seen from his uncle towards him. He was amazed at how much the man had changed over the last weeks, how they had all changed, including Harry, and he was finally proud to have all of them as his family and he was actually going to miss them.
"Harry?" Ron asked hesitantly.
Harry closed his eyes briefly and wiped away his tears before he turned back to the Weasley family. He forced a smile onto his face. "We should board before we get left behind," Harry said quickly and moved to push his trunk towards the train with difficulty, his strength was rather low today.
Mr. Weasley stepped in front of Harry though. "Harry, why didn't you write to anyone all summer, and why did your Aunt and Uncle Owl Dumbledore and tell everyone to leave you alone?" he asked for his whole family.
Harry looked up to Mr. Weasley and opened his mouth to say his already prepared speech about his illness, but as he looked into the man's eyes and then around at the other members of the Weasley family, he closed his mouth. He couldn't do it, not here, not yet. He wasn't ready for everyone to know yet. He shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, looking at all the Weasley's again, Ron in particular. "I just wanted to be left alone –"
Harry shook his head again, fighting to hold back his tears, and moved passed Mr. Weasley, who let him go this time. He needed to sit down, he was getting lightheaded. Harry struggled with his trunk, but quickly found a compartment. What he found in the compartment shocked the hell out him, and the other person.
"Danny!"
"Harry!" Harry swayed a bit and Danielle steadied him. "What are you doing here? Never mind, obviously you're a Wizard. Sit down, you look like you're about to collapse."
Harry shook his head and did as Danielle said and sat as she pulled his trunk into the compartment and stowed his owl cage above the rack. And then with a flick of her wand, his trunk followed it and she closed and locked the compartment door.
"You're a Witch," Harry stated the obvious, leaning his head tiredly back against the wall.
"I wanted to tell you all summer, but I thought you were a Muggle, and mom forbid me," Danielle said sitting down beside him and taking his hand. "I'm really sorry."
Harry shook his head and squeezed her hand. "It's all right, I wanted to tell you too, but I couldn't, but how is it you didn't know? I mean I'm Harry Potter."
Danielle tilted her head. "No really, that's your name?" she joked.
"That's not what I meant. Don't you know who I am? I mean everyone knows who I am. I'm in history books! I think my name is even more known than the Weird Sister's greatest hit."
Danielle shrugged and mouthed to herself the Weird Sisters, she'd obviously not heard of them either. "I lived in Canada up until moving to Surrey. We don't get much Wizarding news from over here. Europe is kind of a recluse to the rest of the Wizarding World. We get more news from China and Russia, than Britain," Danielle explained.
Harry just blinked at that explanation. He'd had no idea. He shrugged. "I guess it's kind of cool to meet a Witch that doesn't go all starry eyed when hearing my name." Danielle snorted. Harry laid his head on her shoulder. "I'm glad you're here," he whispered after a while.
Danielle squeezed his hand and then when she saw the tears in his eyes, she put her arm around his shoulders and hugged him tightly. "It's okay, Harry. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."
Harry laid down with his head on her lap just like he did during the summer, while they had watched movies when he couldn't do anything else. He started to cry in earnest until he had fallen asleep with Danielle rubbing his back comfortingly.
--
Harry awoke with a sharp stab of pain in his head, and grabbed his head as a wave of all too familiar dizziness washed over him, making his vision go from sharp white to black and white again before finally clearing. He steadied himself and then sat up and looked out the compartment window. He noted that they were very near Hogwarts. He'd slept most of the train ride, and apparently so had Danielle as she startled awake at his sudden movement.
"You okay?" she asked immediately, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.
Harry nodded. "Yeah, just a headache, it's gone. We're almost to Hogwarts," he said, to change the subject. Danielle let him; she was used to him not wanting to talk about it.
A knock came at the compartment door and Harry grabbed up his hat and adjusted it on his head before he opened the door a crack. Hermione was on the other side. "Hermione," he said quietly.
"Here you are, Harry, we've been looking all over for you. Are you all right? You look awful," Hermione said as she went to move Harry's hat to feel his forehead. Hedwig flew into the compartment as she moved further in and noticed Danielle.
Harry quickly stepped back away from Hermione's hand. "I'm fine, Hermione, is there something you wanted?" Harry asked almost coldly.
Hermione took a step back at the tone of Harry's voice. "I was worried about you. Ron said you were crying earlier and your uncle… Has something happened at home? Your aunt sounded upset the last few times I called."
"My family is fine, look we're going to be at Hogsmeade soon and I have to change." Harry closed the compartment door in Hermione's face and locked it again. He leaned his head on the door for a moment, breathing heavily and fighting back more tears, before he moved away from the door and sat back down. He didn't want to be mean to his friends, but he didn't want to deal with them right now, with the questions he had answers to, but didn't want to give.
"One of your friends?" asked Danielle softly, as she pet Hedwig, who'd landed on her lap.
Harry nodded. "Hermione; I don't know how to tell them. I don't want to tell them," Harry sighed heavily.
Danielle looked at him with concern, but only smiled at him slightly, and Harry was grateful for that. He was glad she wasn't going to push him into telling them yet.
Harry looked to his concerned owl as she nipped at his fingers, and pet her for a long while before he looked up to Danielle and suggested they change into their Hogwarts robes as the train started to slow. Danielle grabbed hers from the overhead rack and left the compartment to change. Harry changed quickly into his own and as the train slowed even more, he pocketed the small black case the doctors had given him and made sure his hat was in place.
Danielle came back and knocked on the door before entering when Harry opened it. They left their belongings on the train at Harry's prompting that the House Elves brought the luggage up to the Castle for them. With Hedwig on Harry's shoulder, they left the compartment. Harry stopped outside the washroom and left Danielle and his owl in the hall. She nodded in understanding as he entered.
He removed his hat and glasses and splashed water on his pale face. He looked in the mirror as he put his glasses back on. His eyes were red and he looked as tired as he felt, with dark circles around his eyes that weren't at all hidden by his glasses. But he was going to attend the Welcoming Feast; he didn't want people to wonder where he was. Harry glared at his pathetic reflection for a moment longer, before he pulled his hat back on and then exited the bathroom. Hedwig flew back to his shoulder and nestled his neck, just as the train came to a stop in the Hogsmeade station.
They were the first people off the train and probably the only ones to get a carriage to themselves. Harry didn't want to answer any questions at that moment, so he had ducked passed Hagrid who had started to call for first-years. Danielle didn't even hesitate in following Harry, though her letter had probably told her to follow the first years. When they got up to the school, they hurried into the Great Hall and sat down at the Gryffindor table, as far from where his friends normally sat, but it was unfortunately rather too close to the Head Table. Harry made an obvious sight, with his owl still on his shoulder and a Muggle nit hat on his head. Not to mention his emaciated appearance. He'd lost quite a bit of weight over the summer and this time it wasn't from lack of food.
Danielle gave Harry's hand a squeeze when Professor McGonagall asked for her to follow her, and McGonagall gave Harry a questioning gaze as the two left with Danielle's promise that she'd be back soon.
Dumbledore stood up as if about to question Harry, but Harry looked away and then his classmates were filing into the Great Hall and Dumbledore sat back down, looking in concern at Harry.
Harry knew he had to tell him tonight, but he was dreading the conversation. How could he tell anyone that the one person that was supposed to save the Wizarding world was dying? Harry could barely make himself believe it.
The sorting seemed to go on forever, but Harry wasn't really hungry anyways. He could see his friends down the table glancing his way and talking in whispers, and he looked away from them and stared at his empty plate. Harry was brought out of his thoughts when Danielle suddenly sat down beside him and took his hand.
Harry looked at her questioningly, and then realized that the hat had just placed her in Gryffindor. He smiled at her as Dumbledore finished explaining to the rest of the students that she was transferring here from a school in Canada and for everyone to show her the same courtesy as any other student, and then the feast appeared before them.
Harry stared down at his plate and shook his head to indicate that he wasn't hungry, when Danielle motioned if he wanted anything.
"You should eat something," she whispered. "People are staring at you."
"People always stare at me, you'll get used to it," Harry chuckled lightly. "I'll have something in the morning. I'm not hungry."
Danielle nodded and pulled some food towards herself, but only really picked at it through the meal, as Harry continued to stare down at his empty plate, which would remain empty through the entire feast.
Not even Hedwig made a move to grab any food as she stayed stoically on his shoulder, as if she knew Harry needed the comfort. No one around him asked why he wasn't eating or why his owl was with him, though quite a few tried to talk to Danielle, who only answered in brief one word sentences or not at all. Soon enough Dumbledore was giving his start of term notices and sending the students off to bed.
"I'm going to tell them," Harry decided quietly to Danielle. "I'll see you in the common room afterwards. Just follow the other Gryffindors."
"I can stay if you want," Danielle said, squeezing his hand.
Harry shook his head. "No, I need to do this on my own."
Danielle hugged him briefly and Harry took in a deep breath, and then stood up and walked towards the staff members who were leaving the hall themselves. "Professor Dumbledore, I need to speak with you, Professor McGonagall and Madame Pomfrey," Harry said as firmly as his nerves would allow. "This – I don't want this to wait until morning."
Dumbledore looked at Harry with worry in his eyes and then nodded and led Harry and the two other confused staff members into the chamber off the Great Hall. Harry nodded at Danielle who'd hung back and then let Hedwig fly off to her, before he entered the room. As soon as the door was closed, Dumbledore spoke. "Harry is this about –"
"This has nothing to do with Voldemort or Sirius," Harry interrupted. "Please, this is hard enough for me to say, so just let me speak before you ask any questions." The other two were now looking at Harry with the same concern as Dumbledore. "And you may all want to sit down," he said quietly.
Dumbledore was the first to sit, followed by Madame Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall. Harry took one of the four armchairs and sat down himself, but after a moment of sitting, Harry stood again, he couldn't sit for this. He paced for a moment more before he turned back to look at them, wishing he didn't have to do this alone, but he hadn't wanted to have to put Danielle through telling her again.
He took a deep breath and then began. "This summer, just after I got home from school I was unpacking my things and I collapsed. The first time I shook it off as nothing, but after the third, a few days later, my aunt brought me into the hospital as I had collapsed in front of her and she couldn't wake me. They ran some tests and diagnosed me with a Muggle illness called Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia, a type of cancer." Madame Pomfrey gasp and put a hand over her mouth, but didn't interrupt Harry. The fear in her eyes showed that she already suspected what he was going to say. Harry continued. "I went to St. Mungo's and they recommended a pair of doctors who are specialists in Wizards getting Muggle illnesses, and I started chemotherapy and radiation treatments at the end of the first week. Three days ago, they re-diagnosed me to see if the treatments were working. They weren't, the cancer spread."
Harry took in another deep breath. "I'm dying," he said trying to keep his voice as calm as he could, it was the first time he'd said it out loud to anyone but Danielle.
Silence followed his statement. It seemed as if they were too shocked to do or say anything. After a moment, McGonagall spoke up. "Surely there are other treatments or more treatments…"
Harry shook his head, anger bubbling to the surface, he didn't mean to get angry, but couldn't they just accept his fate, so that he could? "Didn't you just hear me? I said I'm dying, there aren't any other treatments, and I'm not going to subject myself to more useless Chemo treatments that leave me too weak to live even the time I have left!"
"How long?" asked Dumbledore suddenly, before Harry could break down.
"They said I might make it to Christmas," Harry said quietly, after calming himself.
Dumbledore stared at Harry, his expression unreadable, but Harry suspected that he just didn't want Harry to see him upset as he seemed to be composing himself and didn't say anything further. McGonagall had tears in her eyes and wasn't looking at Harry anymore.
Madame Pomfrey seemed to be the first to compose herself, she as a Medi-Witch was trained to deal with these situations. She took a deep breath though and let it out heavily. "Your doctors gave you Muggle medicines, and more for the pain?" she asked.
Harry nodded. "The pains not too bad yet, mostly headaches and dizzy spells, but yes, and a nutritional supplement for when I can't eat; as well as medicines for my immune system and to keep my hemoglobin up." Harry took out the black case and opened it to reveal a line of syringes; all but two were empty, and several vials of a clear liquid. "They showed me how to inject it, and had me do it myself." Harry held up one of the full syringes, a small one that looked like the other empty syringes. "This one is for if I can't fill a syringe myself, and this one," Harry held up a slightly larger syringe. "This one is for emergencies, if my heart stops or I stop breathing. It has to be injected directly and it won't work if my heart stops for more than three minutes." Harry cringed as he replaced the syringe.
The three adults looked very pale as Harry calmly explained his Muggle medicines. "Surely there has to be some sort of Wizarding potions that don't have to be injected?" McGonagall asked Madame Pomfrey, looking with abhorrence at the needles.
The Medi-Witch shook her head and was about to answer when Harry answered for her. "No, anything magical that I could take would only speed the cancer up and there isn't a way to inject potions, and I guarantee that when I need to start using these, I won't be able to keep food down, let alone a potion. They did say that I'm allowed Dreamless Sleep for when I can't take the pain and my drugs don't work, but to use it sparingly, also I can have Pepper-up Potion in small doses and Strengthening Potion, but not after my immune system fully starts to fail. They also said to let you know, Madame Pomfrey, that under no circumstances am I allowed a fever reducer. If I develop a fever, it has to be brought down the Muggle way."
Madame Pomfrey nodded. "I'll remember that, and I'll research all the magical things that will react with the cancer so I know for myself."
"The doctors gave me a book to give to you, but it's in my trunk with the rest of my medications. I'll give it to you in the morning. Also there is something else." Harry slowly pulled off his cap. "The chemicals from the Chemotherapy made me go bald. They said my hair would probably grow back now that I'm not taking regular treatments, but until then I'm wearing my hat. I feel more comfortable with it and I know that there are some in this school who'll want to have me take it off in their class. I'm letting you know now that I'm not going to, so if there is a school rule or something, you should probably alert the professors ahead of time. And I'd appreciate no one knowing about this yet. I'm not ready for anyone else to know," Harry finished quietly.
Dumbledore closed his eyes for a moment and then looked up at Harry. "I'm so sorry you have to go through this my boy, if there is anything you'd like from us, to tell your friends when you wish to perhaps…"
Harry nodded, but then shook his head. "When I'm ready, I'll tell them, thank you."
"If you'd like to talk about this, my door is always open," Dumbledore said lightly. Harry nodded.
"As is mine, Harry," McGonagall choked out, and wiped her tears from her eyes.
"Thank you," Harry whispered, fighting back his own tears. "I know it's still early, but if I'm –" Harry stopped and took in a deep breath and then looked back up to the professors. "If I'm still alive at Christmas, I'm going home and I don't think I'll be coming back."
--
To be continued…