Chapter 4 – Always The Two Of Us

Author's Note: Hey again everybody! Sorry this one took so long, job searching is a bear. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, you all are amazing! I changed the rating for language, just to be safe. This one is from after the credits roll on 5x4, and it's from Emily's POV. This is a Spemily story. All mistakes are mine. Let me know what you think, and I hope you enjoy! Thanks for reading :)

P.S. – Did anyone else absolutely love Troian's acting during the Aria/Emily 'I killed someone' conversation? I'm pretty sure I spent half the episode wondering what was going on in her head during that scene… Brilliant, as usual :)

Disclaimer: None of the characters or story lines from Pretty Little Liars are mine. If they were, it would be one big Spemily story.

I practically ran out of Ali's house after we spoke, feeling my own weakness chasing me down the stairs and out the front door as I tried my hardest to escape the naïve, easily manipulated girl that I used to be. Once outside I slowed down, but my heart was still racing, and my legs shook too much for me to continue walking as far as my own house down the street. I thought about just standing there until I calmed down, but then I realized all Ali had to do was look out a window and she would see me awkwardly standing in front of her house hyperventilating. That was the last thing I needed, for her to know that she had gotten to me, that she still had power over me even though I didn't want her to.

So I put my phone to my ear, letting my mom know I wouldn't be home, and walked to the house next door. Handing up on my mother's resigned approval, I lifted my still shaking hand to knock, hoping someone was still downstairs so late. Hoping even more so that it was Spencer, because I really didn't want to deal with her parents and Melissa still kind of scared me.

"Oh, hello Emily," Mr. Hastings greeted with more than a little surprise as he swung the door open cautiously, tumbler of scotch in hand. "Come on in, Spencer and Aria are in her room."

He held the door open so I could walk through, nodding at my greeting, but as soon as I was through he locked the door and retreated to his office. Spence was right, he was acting strangely. Just a few months ago he would have invited me in cordially, asked after my parents and if I needed anything before telling Spencer and I not to get into too much trouble before excusing himself. Now I barely got so much as a hello.

Shaking my head, and some of my fears away as well, I headed for the stairs. I had really wanted to talk to Spencer about Ali, but with Aria there I was going to have to wait. Even if she was the one who brought it up earlier, I still wasn't comfortable talking to anyone but Spence about my Ali situation, not even Aria. Maybe it was because she was gone for so long after Ali's disappearance, or because she was so wrapped up in her Ezra and Shana situations, but I didn't feel like she could really handle what was going on with me on top of everything else at the time.

"Hey," I offered quietly when I saw Spencer at the top of the stairs, grabbing a towel out of the hall closet, no doubt for Aria.

She grabbed out a second as soon as she saw me.

"Em, hey, is everything okay? What are you doing here so late?" She asked gently, coming over to hug me a little awkwardly, the towels still in her hands.

"Not really, no," I started, hugging her in return and about to elaborate before Aria poked her head out of Spencer's room.

"Hey Em, what's wrong?" My other friend inquired, obviously having heard my statement, her face full of concern.

I had to think of something, and quick, if I didn't want to spill the real reason I has at the Hastings' so late.

"Hey Aria," I offered, stalling for time as I thought, inspiration thankfully hitting me before awkward silence set in. "It's just, talking about Nate earlier, it brought up some stuff, and I didn't want to be alone tonight. Spencer's was closest, and I figured she would still be awake this late. Also, my mom thinks Spencer is a good influence on me academically, so she's generally more accepting when I stay here on a school night."

It was a pretty shitty excuse, but Aria seemed to buy it if her nod was anything to judge by. I was accustomed to her asking a lot more questions, but she looked really exhausted, and I assumed she really just wanted to go to sleep.

"Academically, but not behaviorally, right Em?" Spencer chuckled in that self-deprecating way she had. I knew she was alluding to the pills, and it upset me that she was still being so hard on herself about that.

"Stop it, Spence. My mom adores you, you know that," I admonished, moving to grab the towels from her before squeezing her hand with my own.

"Well it looks like we're breaking out the air mattress then," Aria said, shrugging her shoulders as she turned to go back into the bedroom, confirming my earlier thoughts on how tired she was. Lately, Aria had taken every opportunity to commiserate with one of us, usually mentioning her Shana situation in some way, and the fact that she didn't could only mean that she wasn't feeling up to being snarky or spazzy for the moment.

I took advantage of Aria's absence and hugged my best friend again, knowing I would only really feel better after we talked, but willing to content myself with just that small morsel of comfort for the time being. Spencer wrapped me tightly in her arms, seeming to notice that something was seriously wrong, and I never wanted her to let go. The new co-dependency that was forming between us probably should have worried me, but I couldn't bring myself to care while I was so safely wrapped up in her.

"We'll talk later, yeah?" She asked in a whisper as she pulled away, obviously not wanting Aria to hear.

All I could do was nod, not trusting myself to speak without breaking down yet again. Both of us had been crying much too often as of late, and I vowed to myself that it wouldn't happen again that night. I was not going to allow Ali to reduce me to tears again.

Spencer grabbed my hand in her own and didn't let go as we joined Aria in her room, our other friend already having pulled the air mattress out of the closet and looking quite perplexed at the air pump in her hand. I reluctantly let go of my best friend's hand to help with the pump, but not before Aria caught sight of us and threw me a curious look that suggested questions were on the way. Not too keen on answering questions about anything at the time, I avoided her gaze as I hooked up the pump, quickly turning it on so I wouldn't be able to hear them even if she decided to voice her inquiries.

Seeming to sense the sudden awkward tension, Spencer offered Aria a towel and our friend just looked between the two of us in confusion before grabbing her things and retreating to the bathroom. Spence and I avoided looking at each other as we went about setting up the room for the three of us, feeling a bit of lingering awkwardness even though we didn't understand why. Aria rejoined us a few minutes later, and I grabbed my towel and the clothes Spencer had placed out for me before bolting into the bathroom, still hoping to evade any conversations before I had a chance to think about everything.

The shower had become a kind of safe space for me, and I tried to let the warm water wash away my stress, at least for the time being. Clearing my head of Ali and Mona and Paige and A, I tried to think of something that didn't make my head spin. Somehow, my thoughts ended up flitting back in time to just after Ali disappeared, and I couldn't help but smile at the memory of Spencer and I sticking together even as the rest of our group splintered. We never gave up on each other, and just thinking about that gave me strength and hope.

I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I didn't hear the bathroom door open.

"She's asleep, Em, you can stop hiding," Spencer's voice suddenly flooded into my consciousness, causing me to jump at least three feet in the air in surprise and fear.

I'm surprised I didn't end up flat on my ass.

"Shit, Spence, you scared the living hell out of me," I exclaimed, my hand placed over my chest as my heart raced underneath.

She just started laughing.

"Sorry, Em. I knocked, but you didn't answer, and I was worried you had managed to drown yourself or something," my best friend offered, not sounding apologetic at all.

"Seriously, Spence? I'm a swimmer," I huffed, still kind of mad about her scaring me, though more angry at myself for being scared.

"Yeah, well, you never know. We both know I haven't had the best experience with this shower, you can never be too careful," she argued, her voice taking on a dark undertone before she forced herself back into a lighter mood. "Why don't you meet me downstairs when you're done though? I heard my dad go to bed a few minutes ago, and my mom is at a spa retreat, so we can have some tea and talk in the living room. Melissa already retreated to her lair."

"Yeah, okay," I replied, waiting until I heard the door shut behind her before finishing my shower.

Throwing on a pair of my best friend's sweat pants and a baggy tee, I ran a comb through my hair before quietly making my way to the hall, careful not to wake Aria on my way. At the top of the stairs I had to take a deep breath to steady myself, the feelings that Ali and my conversation had inspired in me flooding back full force. Once I felt strong enough to resist the tears, I made my way downstairs to join Spencer.

"Hey you, perfect timing," she stated happily, right in the middle of pouring the water for our tea. "I made you Chai, I know that's your favorite when you're stressing out."

"Thanks, Spence."

I took the mug of tea when she offered it to me and sat at the kitchen island, staring down into the swirling liquid in front of me. Spencer picked up her own mug and moved to sit beside me, placing a hand on my shoulder as a gesture of both comfort and support.

"So, what's going on, Em?" She asked quietly, moving her hand in circles on my back. "I know if must have been difficult for you, having Aria bring up Nate earlier, but I'm sensing that's not the only thing upsetting you… and I definitely don't think that's the reason you came over to my house in the middle of the night."

At first I just nodded, wanting to gather both my thoughts and my wits before beginning what I knew would be a very intense conversation. Spencer waited patiently, her hand still massaging my shoulders, her eyes never leaving my face.

"Nate is part of the reason I'm here, but he's not the main reason," I started, knowing we would have to talk about him at some point but wanting to get through the more difficult discussion first. "I was over at Ali's earlier, she wanted to talk…"

I found myself choking on the words that were meant to follow, and I had trouble continuing as I struggled to find the appropriate way to describe the situation I had run away from earlier that night. I took a sip of tea. It was hot.

"Ok… what did she want to talk about?" Spencer inquired softly, taking a sip of her own tea as I continued to drink mine.

"About how I've been kind of absent recently, not picking up her calls or returning them, and how her dad wants to take her away from Rosewood. She wasn't very happy with me, but you know that I had to create some distance between us," I explained as my best friend nodded, her eyes still never leaving my face as she took in every word that I uttered. "But I told her I thought she should do it, Spence. I told her she should leave. Paige warned me earlier tonight that it wouldn't be safe for Ali to come back to school, and I wanted to protect her, but I also know that that's not the only reason I had for wanting her to go…"

My head was spinning with the implications of my own words, and I was suddenly worried what Spencer would think of me after I had voiced them. For so long I had been the one standing up for Ali, the one fighting the hardest to get her back, but now that she was I couldn't handle it; I couldn't handle having her be the center of my life anymore.

"Your self preservation instinct is kicking in, Em," my best friend stated confidently, finishing the last of her tea before turning to face me. "It makes complete sense. Ali really messed you up before, she broke your heart, and then you couldn't even be mad at her because she was suddenly just gone from the face of the earth. You've lived with this idealized version of her for years now, we all have.

Now she's back and you're afraid she's going to hurt you again, because she doesn't seem all the different from before she left, but you can't help but want to protect her anyway. You said it yourself, a part of you is still in love with her, but it's also just who you are. You protect the people you care about, you always have. There's nothing wrong with wanting to distance yourself a little bit though, especially to protect yourself."

"But she just lost her mom, Spence… Isn't it selfish of me to push her away when she so obviously needs us right now?" I asked, sliding my cold tea away before turning to face her.

Spencer sat back for a second, mulling over my question before getting up abruptly and moving to the couch. She motioned for me to join her, facing me from one side of the couch as she reached out to take my hands after I was settled.

"I think that there's a difference between being there for her and laying down everything else in your life to become vulnerable to her again. Let's be honest, it's going to be really difficult for all of us to move past having Ali be the center of our lives, especially since it was that way long before she went missing, but we're going to have to try and figure out who we are outside of Ali's influence.

We have moved towards that, I think, by leaning on each other and talking to each other the way that we have over the past few days, but it's going to take time. For all of us. So all I can say is that you should try not to beat yourself up about it so much if something small happens. It doesn't mean that you're moving backwards, just that you're not completely free yet. You are getting there, Em. In the mean time, you know I'm here, and you can talk to me about all of this whenever you need to. I'll pull you back from the brink of crevasse Ali."

Nodding, I smiled as Spencer chuckled at her own sad attempt at a joke, and it was only then that I realized how exhausted I was. Moving to lay down on the couch, I placed my head in Spencer's lap, wanting to stay as close to her as possible. My best friend moved her hands to run through my hair once more, and I just gazed up at her for a few moments, wondering how I got so lucky to have her in my life.

"Do you think that my reaction to what happened with Nate was too mild?" I asked timidly, turning my eyes away from the brown orbs above me. "I mean, the way Aria is handling things with Shana and what not, it makes me think that I should have freaked out more or something. Does the fact that I didn't make me a bad person?"

"Absolutely not," Spencer stated definitively, pulling my chin so I was looking at her again. "I remember you during that time, Em. You may not have been spazzing out like Aria, but you shrunk so far into yourself that you were barely even there anymore. It took a long time for you to stop beating yourself up about what happened, and I still don't think that you've fully forgive yourself for doing what you had to.

For both you and Aria though, what you did, you did out of self-defense. Neither of you are bad people. You were protecting the people that you care about; there's nothing wrong in that. And even though you both had to do something terrible, you're different people and your circumstances were different, so you're going to handle what happened differently. There is no wrong way to process, so don't judge your process according to Aria's, because they're two completely different situations."

Looking away, I took a few minutes to think over what Spencer said. Obviously my questions and doubts were not going to disappear just like that, no matter how logical my best friend's argument, but it definitely gave me a different way of seeing both Aria's situation and my own. I was hopeful that that new perspective could help me heal in time, and maybe I could help Aria in the process.

"It's always the two of us, isn't it?" I asked ruefully, smiling up at Spencer as she continued to run her fingers through my hair. I had to fight to keep my eyes from drifting shut in my contentment.

"What do you mean?" She inquired with a chuckle, looking down at me bemusedly.

"We're always trying to protect and take care of everyone else. Sometimes I think we forget that we can't do that for others unless we do it for ourselves first," I offered, yawning the last half of my statement and feeling yet again just how exhausted I really was.

Spencer yawned right after I did, seeming to slide lower on the couch as her eyes drooped with exhaustion as well.

"It's true, we need to take better care of ourselves, but that doesn't change anything fundamentally," she murmured quietly, her eyes already closed.

"Hmmm?" I questioned, wanting her to explain but unable to form words as my own eyes slipped shut of their own volition.

"It will always be the two of us."