Chapter One

The Days Following

Immediately following Rebirth of the Light

It must have been the third or fourth night after the birth of his children that Vader was woken from a deep sleep, lying beside Padme on her bed, by the most horrendous, shrill scream he had ever heard.

For a moment, he was sure he was back in some battle somewhere. He could almost see the red blade slicing through the woman as she screamed at him in terror.

But the screaming persisted after the unknown individual was dead and the image faded from his fogged brain.

Anakin, realizing where he was and what the noise was, grave a groan and pushed himself off the bed and stumbled out of the room.

Passing through the hall, he glanced at the clock to find it was six in the morning and the sun was just getting ready to rise up over the horizon. The sky was still very dark outside and even Sabé, who was the first one up making breakfast every morning, wasn't awake yet.

The Dark Lord was about to comment on his children's unusual sleeping patterns to the rest of the household, when he heard voices whispering to each other in the nursery. Recognizing them as his wife's and Obi-wan's, he quickly shielded his presence and engaged in something he had not done in some time: eavesdropping.

The twins had stopped crying as they greedily enjoyed their breakfast, but neither the Jedi Master nor Skywalker's wife were as happy as the babes.

"Padme, are you sure? Understand that this is all still very much of a shock for Anakin. It hasn't even been a week since he released himself from Palpatine's influence. He's got a lot of emotional baggage he needs to deal with right now."

"I realize that, Obi-wan. But I don't think it's asking too much of him to spend a little time with the twins today." Padme replied evenly, shifting the children in her arms.

"Anakin doesn't know what to do with them. That's why he keeps his distance. Besides loving and protecting them, he doesn't know what it means to be a father. And that's understandable, considering he never had one himself."

"He had you."

"Yes," Obi-wan replied bitterly, running a hand through his hair. "And look how miserably I failed him."

His friend sighed, giving him a look that said she had had enough of his self-disgust and turned to place her son in his crib. Leia, unhappy to be separated from her brother, grunted and pushed till Padme put her inside as well.

"Don't make me threaten to break your arm again, Kenobi." Anakin's wife glared mockingly at him, smiling all the while. "You know I can."

"I know." Obi-wan replied, smiling himself.

"So are we in agreement? Today, Anakin spends time with the children. Luke and Leia need their father, Obi-wan. He wasn't returned to us just so he could mope about. I know he wants to hold them and play with them. He's just afraid. Maybe if you were there to help him - "

"Me?!" The Jedi replied. "Take care of the twins? Padme, please, be serious. I don't know the first thing about children. And kids tend to hate me anyway. What am I supposed to do with them? I'm a Jedi! Jedi don't have babies!"

Smiling, Padme reached into the crib and handed the still sputtering man one of the twins.

"Then this will be an education for you both."

She didn't even look at Obi-wan again, and, totally ignoring his continued protests, left the room. She passed Anakin on the way out and nodded in his direction absentmindedly. "Diapers in the second drawer on the left." was all she said to him before disappearing down the corridor.

Cautiously, Skywalker looking into the room to see his former master holding Leia up against his shoulder and rocking her softly.

"There, there." He was saying, "I know your tummy hurts. There, there."

He looked up when Anakin's dark form entered the room and his expression was pitiful.

"You wouldn't happen to know how to make a baby burp, would you?"

"No." he answered simply.

He was reaching over for Luke, who was fussing and kicking his legs in the air when Leia chose that moment to gurgle and then sprew all down the back of Obi-wan's Jedi robes.

The older man, baby still against his shoulder, froze and seemed incapable of reacting. So it was up to a laughing Anakin to remove his daughter from Kenobi's arms and wipe her little mouth with a wet rag. Then, holding both twins, he took a seat on the nearby couch.

"Just look at it this way," the Dark Lord laughed. "One of these days, you can remind her of this incident, how she threw up all over you, and she'll be so embarrassed that she ever did that to her dear, Uncle Obi."

"She better." Kenobi muttered, before himself laughing and going to wash off.

Padme was right; the following hours were an education for both men.

The routine was quickly established, in which Padme said she would feed the twins early, right at noon, and then sometime just before sunset. The rest of the day, Luke and Leia were in the hands of Obi-wan and Anakin: Jedi babysitters.

It was a real test for both. Kenobi, Jedi Master and renounced general of the Clone Wars, had never really held a baby before, much less concerned himself with them. If they had been a little older, at the age where they could be entertained by faces, strange noises and the occasional toy, he might have had an easier time. As it was, he was reduced to standing over their cribs and waving a stuffed Wookie back in forth to get them to smile.

Leia always laughed at her uncle. She seemed to take a great amount of pleasure in his ignorance.

Anakin, the ever-worried father, had it worse than his friend, however.

Obi-wan had been right when he said Skywalker didn't really know what it meant to be a father. He wasn't sure what was expected of him. Padme had to give birth to them, feed them and hold them when they cried. That left clothing, cleaning, burping and entertaining them. Anakin knew he didn't have to be with them the whole time, as young children needed to sleep a lot, but he still felt uncomfortable leaving them alone even then.

There was also another problem.

Being gentle.

By the end of the first day, he had decided babies were both the most delicate and fiercest things he had ever encountered.

Picking them up, changing their clothes. All of it required a gentle touch Vader was sure he was incapable of. His hands seemed so huge and monstrous when he tried to tie the little bows in Leia's downy hair. Luke, who now smiled and gooed every time he saw his father, was so incredibly tiny to Anakin's mind. He could brace his son's head simply with the palm of his hand.

It brought back images of women clutching their own babes in their arms, backing slowly away from him. The fear and yet the determination in their eyes. Their bloody or burned bodies still holding their screaming children.

Images he struggled to block from his mind when he held his own children. He would not darken their light with his own sins.

But the memories would come back in the night.

So he spent more and more time in the nursery, or outside, with the twins. Holding them close. Protecting them, loving them with every part of himself that was still good and whole.

The dead parts he hid from both himself and the twins.

Luke grew stronger in the Force almost every day. Not so much as to move objects or anything like that. But he could reach out and touch all the minds around him, expressing his needs or that of his sister's in that childish blur of emotions.

He did this on the very first day, surprising Anakin and Obi-wan so much that at first neither of them realized what Luke wanted, only that he was calling to them.

Then Obi-wan sniffed the air and turned away, pale. "He desperately needs to be changed."

Anakin, who couldn't smell anything due to the mask only pumping unscented air into his lungs, picked up his son hesitantly. "I'll take your word for it." Carrying Luke as far from him as he could, he brought the boy over to the changing table and removed the diaper. Kenobi watched in morbid curiosity from the other side of the room.

"How can so much come out of something so small?!" the Master demanded.

Skywalker didn't have an answer for that, so he simply removed the ruined plastic underpants and handed it to the Jedi. "Here, dispose of this."

Taking the offending thing between thumb and index, Kenobi deposited it in the trash chute and retrieved a clean one while Anakin wiped down his son's bottom. Luke giggled at that. It must be rather funny to see a Sith Lord, especially one as terrifying as this one, changing a diaper.

After, the two men tried to figure out just what it was they were supposed to dust the baby with, as all the bottles on the counter looked the same. Luke sneezed just as they were trying to apply the powder and Kenobi got a mouth full.

This was soon followed with a war with the diaper, as the instructions seemed to have been lost and neither man had any idea of how to put it on him correctly.

Just as Leia, who was being ignored, began to cry from the crib, Sabé came into announce lunch was ready, took one look at the situation and started laughing.

The young woman, well versed in childcare, took Luke from Anakin, completely unaware she was touching him without fear, fixed the diaper and moved on to calm Leia. In a moment of her spare time, she threw Obi-wan a wet rag and told him to clean up.

That left the two babysitters with nothing to do but watch both children as Sabé lay them both down to sleep.

"I believe we may be in over our heads." Obi-wan observed, brushing the powder out of his beard. "Who knew taking care of babies could be such a challenge."

"I've known easier Jedi missions." Anakin agreed, looking down upon his children affectionately. Leia, like her mother, had a tendency to snore slightly in her sleep. "They have so much of Padme in them."

"And you as well."

That was both an enduring and uncomfortable thought. "Let's hope not too much."

But Obi-wan smiled and laid a hand on his friend's arm. Anakin almost jumped when he did that. Contact. He was still getting used to it. "Come on, Anakin." Obi-wan grinned. "You and I both know they're going to have plenty of that Skywalker stubbornness in them. They'll give you a run for your credits one of these days, see if they don't."

Then Sabé was at their side again, reminding them of lunch being ready.

She didn't seem so aloof around him anymore. The handmaiden felt better about Skywalker now, after seeing him with the children. Whatever transformation Vader had undergone at their birth, Sabé decided that if he could be so gentle with the twins as she had just seen, there must be some goodness left in him after all.

"We'll be right there." Obi-wan assured her. But when he turned back to Anakin, the other had walked to the cottage door. "Where are you going?"

Skywalker replied, "Outside." When Obi-wan continued to look confused, he simply gave a self-conscious shrug.

It dawned on Kenobi then that Anakin had not been coming to any of the meals, had never even entered the kitchen where the family tended to gather. And the reason behind this was strikingly obvious. Shame-faced, he looked at his friend.

"Outside. . ." Awkwardly, he gestured toward the kitchen, "You can't . . . ?"

"No."

"Then how do you . . . ?"

Shrugging again, Anakin looked away. "I have equipment back on my ship. It allows me to breath outside the mask for a time. Unfortunately, my system can't take regular food." He didn't want to tell Obi-wan he had to eat pastes and vitamin pills, or take food injections when he was unable to retreat to the breathing chamber. He still had a little pride left.

Obi-wan, however, seemed to understand completely, and the look on his face was one of absolute sympathy.

"Force, Anakin, I didn't know."

Shrugging for the third time, the Sith Lord headed for the door. "Doesn't matter. Actually, if you don't mind, I think while you all have lunch and the twins are asleep, I'll head back to my ship for a little while."

Numbly, Kenobi nodded his agreement and watched as his best friend left the cottage.

He went into the kitchen after that and found Padme and Sabé already eating. Today's lunch was one of his favorite soups, with fresh baked garlic bread, ripened cheese and green grapes. It looked delicious. But suddenly, he wasn't hungry any longer.

Vader hadn't realized how long the walk was from his ship to the cottage. Before, there had been voices whispering to him, urging him onwards, and suddenly he had been in front of the cottage. Hearing Padme crying inside.

Feeling terrified and hopeful all at once.

Now, there were no voices, and the sudden realization of the silence in his head was a shock. For weeks the voices had been there, calling from the shadows in the darkened corners of his chambers. They had been the sound of the sheets as he moved in his pathetic excuse for a bed. Or the stomping of feet as troopers in long legions marched past him.

Constant.

Now, they had fallen silent and had said nothing to him for the three or four days he had been on Thantinia.

What had become of them?

Anakin considered this as he walked at a steady pace away from the cottage to the barely-visible ship in the distance. A part of him was certain he had been mentally unstable for a time. That would certainly explain the voices. Driven to madness by grief.

In the few days since then, he had considered this reason might also explain his 'fall from grace', his turning to the Darkness. But at the same time, he knew it had been his own ambition, his fear and darkness within himself that had eventually brought him to this sorry end. So, he could not truly accept madness as a reason for anything. Too easy to accept it was not his fault that way.

And that wasn't right. It was his fault. All of it.

It had been all along.

The ship, almost in front of him now, was cold and imperialistic. He longed to turn around and walk straight back to the cottage. To Padme and her compassion. To Obi-wan, and the twins.

Instead, he reached out and palmed the door.

He wasn't about to let fear control him any longer. If he had become such a coward, as he would run from a ship, a metal shell, then how could he stand up to his past? Stepping inside, he headed straight to breathing chamber, intending to do what was necessary in it as quickly as possible, then leave again.

Shuddering, Vader climbed the stairs and looked down upon the chair within. It was surrounded by mechanics all put there for his convenience. Some removed his helmet, others brought food. There was a view screen; even controls he could use to direct the piloting from in here.

It was like a cage.

His 'sanctuary.'

Vader scoffed, entered the chamber and sat. The black shell closed around him and pure air rushed in. Within this chamber, he could remove his helmet. Could breath on his own for a little while. The mechanical arms helped him with this and Darth stared, eyes wide with terror and disgust, at the image in the black, empty holo screen across from him.

A scarred, scared looking young man stared back.

If not madness, Vader reflected, what was it that had brought him here? What was it that had sought out his family and returned him to them, a torn and bloody soul in need of healing, of kindness?

There seemed to be only one answer left to him. One he was even less willing to accept than insanity. But he could not help feeling this answer was the right one.

The Force.

If it was the Force, why? This happened to me for a reason. Nothing happens without a reason, a purpose. Right? Surly this hadn't been done to him out of some cruel joke. Yes, he deserved it, to look this way. To be this monster, both inside and out. It was proper punishment for all his crimes against those who had been his friends. His family.

But why, if he was meant to one day return to that family, to become Anakin Skywalker again, would the Force chastise him this way?

There were no answers.

No voices either.

There were too many things he didn't want to think about. There was the Emperor, who would no doubt begin searching for his wayward apprentice. There were his duties as the Empire's second in command, his abandoned credit accounts he would need to figure out how to access here, the proper conditions needed for him to bathe. A thousand things he needed to consider.

All Anakin wanted to think about was getting back to his little family.

Skywalker ate a silent meal, if you could call it that, his mind ablaze with questions he knew would have no answers. Afterwards, he packed a small bag of provisions: an extra, miniature breather in case of an emergency, tools so he might work on the controls on his armor, and extra vitamin needles so he wouldn't have to come back anytime soon.

He never wanted to come back again. Ever. But, like most things, it was out of his hands. Anakin accepted he would have to leave it up to the Force.

The irony was not lost on him.

Another day passed. And then another.

Five days in all since the twins' birth. It seemed both swift and dreadfully slow to Anakin. He was waiting for something. But he didn't quite know what.

In the mean time, Obi-wan and the twins kept him entertained.

There were no more diaper episodes. After the first time, they had it down. Leia even got changed now as well. Holding the babes became more and more natural, and eventually Obi-wan even tried burping the elder twin again. Leia proved quite cooperative now that her uncle was doing it correctly. No more bile-stained Jedi robes appeared in the laundry.

After being informed by Sabé of the adventure her boys had had in the nursery that first day, Padme joined her family there and watched on with motherly pride as the Jedi and Sith played with the children.

She was still concerned over her husband's timidity when around the babes, but for the moment she was content to let it be.

"He's got my eyes." Anakin proclaimed that afternoon, holding his son in his arms and smiling down at him. "Did you notice?"

"I did." His wife assured him, coming to stand beside him and rest a hand on Luke's little head. The child cooed, staring up at his parents. He tugged at one of his toes, drooled and then hiccupped.

Skywalker laughed. He was pleased to see that when he did, Luke didn't cower at the sound of his harsh, mechanical voice.

"Here," Obi-wan handed Leia to her mother. "I think she's just about had enough of me. Can't blame her, either. There's only so many times you can hear the story of 'This Little Jedi Went to the Temple' and still want to have toes."

Lovingly wrapping her daughter in a blanket and holding her close, Padme leaned against Anakin and sighed. Luke and Leia smiled toothlessly at one another, sharing some private joke between them.

From across the room, Kenobi took a shuddering breath.

"What is it?" Skywalker asked, looking up.

"You just look so. . ." Obi-wan searched for a word, couldn't find one and pretended to be brushing his hair back so as to rub at his misting eyes. "This looks like it would be a great family holo."

"No."

"Oh, Anakin, why not?!" Padme beamed up at him. "All four of us together! We don't have a holo of the twins yet. We need one to remember them when they were this small!"

"Padme," Anakin started to say, "I'd rather not-"

Just then, Luke chose that moment to hiccup, gurgle and whimper loudly.

"Luke?" Skywalker looked down at his son. The baby squirmed in his father's arms, his Force sense aggravated. He struggled, pushing aside his blanket and cried out again. Anakin watched helplessly as his son's face turned a bright red and Luke continued to make choking sounds. "Luke! What's wrong?!"

"Ani, what is it?!" Padme immediately handed Leia to Obi-wan, who juggled the little girl as she too now became irritated, feeling her twin's annoyance.

Anakin swept his son with his Force touch as at the same time opening his little mouth and praying there was nothing stuck down there. He bent over, trying to hold Luke at the same time, as the baby was fighting him all the way.

Then Luke gave one last whimper, and coughed.

A gooey green and yellow mass of something flew out of the baby's mouth and splattered all over Anakin's mask.

Skywalker blinked. Luke gurgled happily and waved his arms around.

For a moment, none of the adults knew quite what to do. Then Padme started to laugh and Obi-wan, still holding Leia, chuckled behind his hand. The twins joined in. Anakin, for his part, was only vaguely aware that he was now the day's amusement, as the gooey mass of saliva and snot covered one of his lenses and the triangular nose portion of his mask.

His first thought was of potential suffocation. His next was utter disgust.

"Could someone please hand me something to clean this off with?" But both Obi-wan and Padme were too busy laughing, both of them struggling not to drop the babies. Leia was quickly returned to her crib, but Luke got crushed against his mother's chest till he gave a cry of protest and joined his sister.

Anakin realized he had probably never been so happy.

And if this was what it meant to be a father, the diapers, the late night feeding, the messes and all the snot and drool; if this it what it all meant, he knew then, without a doubt, that he was cut out for the job.

Apparently, Luke had known it too.

Chapter One To Be Continued

;) Caslia