"You don't have to go in. I'll let your Mom know that you're here and that you're thinking about her and that you love her." Kevin sat with his arm around Zane as he quietly spoke to him. The news had hit him hard. He cut his eyes over to Joey, a silent request for some back up.
"Kevin's right, Zane. You heard Dorian. The doctors think she's gonna be ok, so there will be plenty of time for you to see her later. You can go back to Dad's house, get some rest, and come back when you feel better."
Vicki stood in the distance waiting to see what Zane decided. She held out her hand as he walked towards her. Wrapping her arms around the boy, she could see he was trying hard to hold it together.
She nodded at Kevin and Joey as she left the hospital with her arm around him.
Joey slumped down into a chair, his hand running over his face.
Kevin sat down beside him.
"You ok?" he asked, looking at him and already knowing the answer. "I mean, I know how you feel about her….it doesn't take a genius to figure that out and…"
He looked up at his brother. "God, Kevin. I prayed for her to make it..to be ok…but I never thought….I never wanted….What if this is?" He stopped…unable and unwilling to complete his thoughts.
He didn't need to. Kevin knew exactly what he was thinking. Grabbing his arm forcefully, he turned him towards him.
"You listen to me," he said, his eyes blaring, "You did not cause this. Kelly is alive. You heard Dorian…the doctor said that it was a miracle she even survived the accident."
"Yeah, she survived, but for what?" Even as the words came out of his mouth he felt sick inside. He felt so guilty for being anything less than grateful for her survival, but Kelly's whole life would be different now. She would have to deal with that.
"We don't know that. We don't know anything..and we won't. Not until she regains consciousness. The doctor said there was no real way of knowing the extent of the damage until she's awake and able to tell us exactly what she's feeling." Kevin was trying to remain optimistic, but even he had to admit that this was a precarious situation. The thought of Kelly being dependent on anyone was a difficult concept to grasp.
He thought back to Dorian's words…bleeding on the brain, swelling, possible paralysis, cognitive functioning, traumatic brain injury, long term care, limited functioning…. None of it sounded like Kelly….or not like the Kelly he knew. Of course now, that Kelly could be lost to them forever.
Kevin stood behind the curtain for a moment. The nurse had tried to prepare him for Kelly's condition, but he had serious doubts if anything could truly be proper preparation for what he was about to see.
He slowly slid aside and stepped into the small room. The tears were almost instantaneous. Bruises and scrapes covered nearly ever y inch of her body and although she looked as if she should be in immeasurable pain, she appeared peaceful. For that, he was grateful.
He moved the small metal stood to the side of the bed and took a seat. He was afraid to touch her at all, afraid that any movement at all would disrupt the mass of lines and tubes that kept her so blissfully unaware of all she was enduring.
Softly, he ran his fingertips down her face, moving the hair away from her face.
"Hey," he whispered. "It's Kevin. I'm here, Kel. I don't know if you can hear me or not, but if you can I want you to listen real close for a minute. I know you don't like it when people tell you what to do, but this time…just this once, please listen to me. You've got to fight this. There are too many people out there that care about you. Zane wants to see you, but not like this. I don't want him to visit his Mom like this and I know you don't want that either. And then there's Blair and Starr…Dorian."
He looked up at the monitors, hoping for some reaction. "And then there's my little brother…Joey..You remember him? He's out there beating himself up for this one. I remember you coming to London and telling me that you never got over him."
Kevin leaned in close to her and whispered, "I've got news for you…he never got over you either. The two of you have something really special…you just come back to him now."
"Dorian Lord?" the nurse called out into the waiting room.
Joey stood and walked over to her. "She went home for a while. Do you need me to contact her? Is this about Kelly? Is something wrong?"
Every time a door opened…every time he saw a nurse jump up, or a doctor rush down the hall, he felt as if his heart would stop…His nerves were shot and the lack of news certainly wasn't helping.
"I'm sorry sir, what's your name?"
"Joey Buchanan," Joey responded, knowing already what her response would be. Not family…
The nurse nodded as she checked the file. "Ms. Lord signed waiver for you to receive updates and information," she nodded, gesturing for Joey to follow her. "The doctor would like to speak with you."
Surprised, Joey followed quickly. He watched as the nurse explained the situation and showed the doctor the waiver.
"Mr Buchanan," the doctor began, "I wanted to speak with a family representative about Ms. Cramer's condition."
A wave of nausea swept over his body.
"Ok," he whispered weakly as he lowered himself into the chair.
"The news is mixed I'm afraid," she began, barely looking up from the chart. "The good news is that the swelling in her brain does appear to be lessening…in fact it has dropped off dramatically since our initial testing."
Joey looked up at her, his eyes hopeful. "That's good, right?"
"Yes," the doctor confirmed. "It's a very positive sign. The decrease in swelling greatly reduces the likelihood that we will be dealing with any cognitive issues or other issues that are generally associated with traumatic brain injuries. The patient will more than likely maintain most if not all of her cognitive functions."
Everything was so technical….so unfeeling. Joey didn't understand. How could this doctor talk about this as if she were reading a classified ad? Didn't she understand what this was about? How important this was? This was about Kelly….his Kelly? The woman he loved more than his own life….
"Kelly," he said softly. "Her name is Kelly."
"What?" the doctor said, looking at him strangely.
"You called her the patient." His voice was terse…he knew he was being slightly over sensitive, but he'd been there all night waiting and praying and frankly…he'd had just about enough.
"Right..Right…Kelly," the doctor responded. She looked at Joey. This look was not new to her. Someone that had been waiting all night for news…news that may or may not be good…. "I apologize."
"It's ok," Joey breathed. "I'm just…it's just…" He shook his head.
"I understand. These situations are never easy." She checked her chart again before continuing. "There is another matter that we need to discuss, however."
Joey looked up at her. "Right…you said the news was mixed. What's the bad news?"
"While the swelling in her brain has decreased dramatically, the swelling in other areas has not…in fact the swelling around her spinal column has increased."
Joey blinked, trying to understand. "Her spinal column? Meaning that she's…"
She walked over to him. "We don't know anything for sure, but you do need to prepare yourself for the possibility. In some situations, swelling around the spinal column has caused paralysis."
"So, she, uh…." He ran his hand over his face, trying to quell the burning in his eyes and throat. Tears threatened to fall, but he was determined to make it through this. He had to—for Kelly. "She may not be able to walk…"
The doctor nodded. "It's possible."
"If umm….If that happens, is there anything…I mean can it be reversed?" There were so many questions to ask…so many things he needed to know..and so many things Kelly would want to know when she woke up.
Sighing, she spoke. There was compassion now where there had not been before. "Unfortunately, we just don't know. Paralysis is still a very difficult thing to predict. We often don't know exactly why patients regain the abilities they've previously lost, therefore it makes it very difficult to treat. We can give her medications to try and reduce the swelling. Once she regains consciousness, she can start on a therapy regimen that may help, but more than anything, she needs to start to try and adjust to what her life may be like."
"So, what you're saying is that she could be paralyzed for the rest of her life?"
"I know that's not what you want to hear Mr. Buchanan, but I've got to be honest with you. I've seen a lot of spinal cord injuries, and Ms. Cramer's is quite severe. In my professional opinion, I think it would be in your and her best interest to try and adjust to a new normal." She closed the file and moved towards the door. "I've got rounds, but you let me know if you have any more questions."
Joey sat silently as the doctor left the room. A new normal? How was he supposed to tell Kelly this?
Kevin stepped outside the room and glanced around looking for Joey. His eyes fell on him sitting, with his head in his hands.
"Hey," he said softly, putting his hand on his shoulder as he slowly approached. "You ok, little brother?"
As he raised his head, it was obvious that ok was the last word that should be used to describe his current state.
"What happened?" Kevin took a seat beside his brother, now very concerned himself. Joey was pretty good a self loathing, but this was something entirely different.
"The doctor came back. She uh, she talked to me about Kelly's tests results."
Kevin nodded. "Ok, so is it worse than we thought. Has something changed?"
Joey didn't speak. He simply sat, staring at the wall. He didn't know how to explain this to someone else. He couldn't even fully process it himself.
"Joe," he exclaimed, grabbing his shoulder a little more forcefully. "Come on…tell me what's going on. You're scaring me here."
"She might never walk again," he whispered. Saying the words made it even more real…as if he could speak them into being and the thought of it made him sick inside.
This time it was Kevin's turn to be silent. Joey turned, staring at him, his eyes now colder, more angry.
"What's wrong, Kev? You don't have any words of wisdom this time? You don't know how to fix it?" He stood up angrily walking across the room.
"I suppose you're gonna tell me that this isn't my fault either….That even though I fought with her last night and I let her leave the house upset in the middle of a storm that it isn't my fault that she's here…right?"
He stood, walking the distance to meet his brother. "Listen, man…I know it's hard, but this isn't your fault. This was a terrible, terrible accident. You didn't do this to her."
"I'm the one that put her here," he sobbed, giving in as his brother put his arms around him. "I put her here."
He wasn't sure how long he'd been standing there just staring at the curtain. Feeling a hand on his shoulder, he turned around.
"You don't have to have all the answers, you know," Kevin said, staring into his brother's face. "Just hold her hand and be there for her…that will be enough."
Joey nodded. She needed him now and he needed to be there for her. It was that simple. He pulled the curtain aside and stepped into the room.
"Aubrey! There it is." Colby scooted over for Aubrey to join him in the small chair in the front of the television. They both watched in silence as the reporter ran down the details in a case they both already knew all too well.
"Damn," she whispered, reaching up and turning off the TV. "She didn't waste any time."
"Did you think she would?," Colby sneered through gritted teeth, popping the tab on the can of beer on the side table. "She's got money to burn…offering up a reward for information isn't going to even put a dent in her finances…and to boot she gets to look like a hero to her niece."
Aubrey sat silently, thinking.
"I know that look," Colby muttered rolling his eyes. "And I know something else too…I don't want any part of it. Whatever it is…I'm out."
Aubrey smiled. "Don't you worry…I don't need you screwing anything else up. I'll handle Dorian on my own."
She stood and walked across the length of the room running idea after idea through her mind as she paced. Suddenly she stopped. It was obvious…so obvious in fact that she couldn't believe she hadn't thought of it sooner.
Grabbing her bag and keys, she headed out the door.
"Aubrey," Colby yelled after her, but she was already gone.
It was the initial shock that hit him the hardest. In fact, he was fairly certain that he wouldn't have felt any worse if he had been slapped straight across the face.
She was so still, so silent…so not Kelly. The Kelly he knew was full of passion about everything. Her smile could light up a room and her anger could clear one. She had a laugh that was contagious and eyes that could bring him to his knees. He'd give anything to see her eyes staring back at him now. Instead all he saw was stillness…all he heard was silence, and all he could do was hold her hand and pray for the right words to say.
"Kel," he whispered gently touching her face. "I know you can hear me…I don't know why, but I just know you can….and I want you to know that I'm not going anywhere. I'm here and I'm going to stay here no matter what happens."
The machine overheard beeped, catching Joey's attention. He smiled.
"You see…I knew you heard me. Listen, I need you to wake up…I'm not real good at carrying a conversation…you know that. We're better together. We've always been better together. You can do it, Kel. I know you can. You can come back…"
Slowly, he brought her hand to his lips, kissing it softly. "I'm here, and I'll wait…as long as it takes."
He heard his voice, and turned around to see her standing there.
"Kelly?" he said, blinking and rubbing his eyes in amazement. "What are you? How did you?"
She smiled and walked over to him. "You brought me back, Joey. I came here for you…I'll always come back for you." She leaned closer to him, her hand caressing his cheek softly.
He gasped and jerked as the sensation startled him. Picking his head up from the side of the bed, he turned to look at the wall. He must have fallen asleep. He looked at Kelly—her eyes still closed. A dream…it had all been a dream. Sighing, he leaned back in the chair closing his eyes.
Suddenly he sat upright again…What woke him? A sensation..the feeling of fingertips on his face. He looked down at her hand, taking it carefully in his. "Kel," he said, standing and staring down at her. "Kelly, can you hear me?"
It was slight, but it was definitely there. It started as a twitch but soon moved through her fingertips. She heard him. She was coming back.
"Kelly," he held her hand close to his chest as he leaned down closer to her. Carefully he pressed his lips to a small area of skin on her face, one of the few left mercifully untouched by bruises and scratches. He smiled as he felt her eyelashes brush his cheek.
"Hey," he whispered, pulling back to look into her barely open eyes.
He could see she was trying to speak. She tried to speak, her voice fading with each small sound she attempted.
"It's ok," Joey assured her, touching her face softly carefully not to inflict any pain upon her. "You just take it easy ok? Don't push it…We'll have plenty of time to talk. Right now, I'm just so glad you're awake…that you're back…that you're here with me."
He watched her as a very weak smile played upon her lips. Sure, it was not quite as impressive as the many stunning smiles she'd flashed him over the years, but he'd never been so happy to see her smile in all his life.
Everything in him wanted to reach down and grab onto her, hold her and never let her go, but he didn't…she looked so fragile that he was afraid any touch might bring her pain and he knew he had to get a doctor. He had to make sure she was ok.
"I need to get a doctor to come see you," he whispered, placing a gentle kiss on her temple.
Slipping his hand from within hers he started to move away.
"No," she managed weakly.
Joey turned, his eyes softening as he looked at her. He'd give anything to take all this away from her. He'd switch placed with her in a second.
"I'll be right back," he whispered softly as he softly touched her face. "I promise you…I'm not gonna leave you ever again. You will never ever be alone."
He smiled as he watched her eyes flutter slightly. She was still so tired, but he could see she still had that spark in her—the same spark and fire he'd fallen in love with all those years ago.
"I'll just be a second, I promise…ok?" He looked into her eyes, waiting for some sort of affirmation that she understood. He couldn't stand to leave her if she was afraid.
Her small nod in response told him everything he needed to know.
Lightly bringing her hand to his lips, he gently placed a kiss on her bruised knuckles.
"I'll be right back," he whispered and quickly made his way out the door.
One look at her face told him that she knew. The doctor had told her. In a way he wished she hadn't..he wished he'd been there with her when she'd gotten the news, but somehow now it didn't matter. Now, all that mattered was making it better.
Gathering her in his arms, he softly stroked her hair, "I already talked to the doctor," he whispered quietly in her ear, desperate to reassure her somehow. "She said there are all sorts of things they can do now. There are medicines and physical therapy."
He looked over, checking to see if his words were making any impact.
"Right," she whispered, her voice still weak and shaky. "Things that could help…things that might work, but the reality is that this very well might be the way I am now. This could be what the rest of my life is like."
"Kelly," he said softly, "Don't think like that. We're gonna get through this. I know you…you're stubborn and you're strong and you'll fight until you.."
She stopped him. "I want you to go."
"What?" He had to have misunderstood. She couldn't have asked him to leave. Why wouldn't she want him there with her…especially now?
Taking a deep breath and slowly reaching up to wipe away the tears, she repeated the words again. "I know what you're trying to do here, Joey and I appreciate it. I really do, but I need for you to give me some time and let me deal with this. I need to talk to Kevin and I need to see Zane."
She saw the effect her words had on him. The pain in his eyes was evident and the last thing in the world she wanted was to hurt him, yet in that moment, her own pain was so intense that it was overwhelming anything and everything else.
"Please don't shut me out, Kel. Just tell me what you need and I'll do it…whatever it is. Anything." He felt the tears sting at his eyes. The thought of her being here alone and scared drove him crazy.
"I've got to figure this out for myself. I can't tell you what I feel if I don't even know myself and I've got to figure this out. If you want to do something for me, call Kevin. Have him come up here. I need to talk to him and I want to see my son."
Joey sat silent for a moment. He had to do what she wanted—he owed her that, but the thought of not being with her was unbearable.
"Ok," he managed. "Just promise me that if you need anything, you'll call. Please….promise me."
She forced a smile as she reached out and softly touched his hand.
"I promise," she whispered.
"I can come back," Kevin said, slowing pulling the door closed as he noticed her closed eyes.
"No," Kelly replied quickly, using her arms to push herself up on the bed. She never realized how difficult it was to use your upper body for everything.
Seeing her struggle, Kevin hurried over to her side. He gently fluffed the pillows behind her and smiled as he helped her settle herself. "Better?"
She sighed, looking up at him with resignation. "This is exactly what I'm talking about."
"What?"
"I can't even sit up by myself. The nurse this morning…she brought my breakfast tray and asked if I needed any assistance."
"Kel," Kevin began, already seeing where the conversation was headed. "Everyone is just trying to…"
"I know what they're trying to do," she snapped. "They want to help…They all want to help!" She felt the tears falling in spite of her efforts. "No one can help, Kevin."
"Kel," he spoke softly, reaching out and touching her hand. "This isn't about people wanting to help you." He carefully reached under her chin, using his fingertips to raise her face. "Is it?"
She sighed. Kevin Buchanan could always see through her in a way that few others could and he always called her out on everything. "No," she admitted. "It isn't."
Kevin leaned back a little, making a little more room for himself on the edge of the bed. "Why don't you tell me what's really going on?"
"As if you don't already know?" Kelly smiled.
"You can pretend I don't," he countered.
"It's Joey," she softly replied.
She shifted the pink, plastic cup from one hand to another as she contemplated her words.
"You actually gonna drink that or are you putting it on the centrifuge?"
Kelly smiled at him. "Very funny," she sighed. Reaching over, she sat the cup down. "I told him to go…you know?"
He nodded, pouring himself a cup of water and taking a sip. "Yep, he told me. He said you said you had to figure things out." Pausing for a moment, he looked at her. "So, have you?"
"Have I what," she asked, honestly confused.
"Figured things out?" He knew exactly what Kevin was doing. She was thinking about what was 'best', what was 'fair', what was 'honorable'.
"Kevin, I just…I don't know what's going to happen with…" She stopped, unable to finish her own sentence. Her eyes ran over the covers. Her legs were there, but she wouldn't know it—not if she couldn't see them with her own eyes. They were a part of her own body and yet she had no control over their movements and she was afraid she never would again. But, she realized, there was one thing she could control.
"I just don't want him to have to put his life on hold," she managed, allowing her breath to escape in a long sigh.
"You know he doesn't see it that way. Joey loves you. He's always loved you. He'd give anything in the world to be here right now….to be the one talking to you…to be holding your hand, helping you through this. You know that, don't you?"
Kelly nodded, reaching up and wiping her eyes again. She did know that. If given the chance, Joey wouldn't ever leave her side. He'd spend every waking moment making sure she was safe and happy. "That's the point, Kevin," she remarked sadly, averting her eyes, "I can't let that happen."