This is set a week or two from the previous chapter. Don't worry about Peeta's hands. They are healed. LOL!
Sorry I haven't posted lately. I have been really sick.
This chapter is filled with fluff. I kinda like the angst stuff better, but it's nice to let loose sometimes. Hope you like it.
Thanks so much to all who have already reviewed. It helps me write. I will start answering back. Thanks!
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We've laid out some blankets in the front yard and are trying to watch stars and the full moon. It was Peeta's idea to relax, but I've gone along with it. The weather is cool so we are bundled up, but still I need more warmth. I debate with myself for a good five minutes before I roll over and put my head on Peeta's chest. His arms wrap around me and I'm safe.
"I was wondering how long that would take." I can feel him smiling into my hair.
"Oh, be quiet." I don't sound as light as he does. I sound like I'm in a bad mood, but somehow Peeta knows I'm trying to joke and he laughs. He's been able to do it more lately and I'm envious of him for it. He's a lot more resilient than I am.
"I talked to my mother again." I bring up casually.
"Yeah. How is she?"He asks.
"Well, I guess busy. She's…I don't know. Part of me thinks she is trying to work so hard and so long that she'll never have to think about them…again."I have to pause because even mentioning my Father and Prim gives me too much to hurt about. "Maybe she doesn't even want to think about me."
"I'm sure it's not like that, Katniss."
"She told me she was happy that she didn't need to worry about me with you and Haymitch around. Which a lot of good he's been. I feel like we take care of him more than the opposite." Now I'm in a bad mood.
My mother off in District Four living her life as if the people that she most loved hadn't both died tragically and uselessly. I guess everyone handles grief differently. Her favorite way was to work herself half to death, and mine was to be self destructive and dream about dying. I'd say we were one screwed up family but then I didn't see her as family anymore. She was just someone I used to know…or at least at some point wanted to know. Probably more like someone I used to help take care of. But still I loved her just the same.
I'm left now not caring about her or trying to not, because I feel abandoned. I feel worse than that. I feel like since I've not died I'm an inconvenience to her. I'm just something else she could possibly mourn.
"I know it's easy to be angry with her, but she is troubled too. She couldn't even mention District Twelve or anything from her old life besides you when she left for Four." Peeta tries to remind me.
"Yeah…well I guess avoidance is something she is used to." I say with finality because this conversation is always going to be an unfair one. Unfair to me because Peeta's parents are dead so he has no idea how they would react to something like this. But then again it's also unfair to him for the same reason. At least I still have one parent, no matter how useless it is.
We let the air fill back with the noises of the creatures of the night instead of our voices. It's really beautiful out here and I begin to think that Peeta was onto something when he suggested this. I snuggle into him closer still.
I have tried to become more affectionate with him but sometimes it's hard to fight both our demons. Mine being that I still feel sometimes like I don't deserve him and his being that he at one point thought our whole relationship was a lie and I wanted him dead. The Capital stole so much from our lives and they still steal away from us to this day. Our problems will never just disappear. We have to work through them every single hour, sometimes every single minute. Once we surrender to the idea that nothing is ever going to be the same the better we will be.
"We had to take guard on the beach together in Quarter Quell. Real or not real?" He breaks the silence that had overcome us.
"Real." I say hesitantly confused as where this was going. I know that we've talked about this memory before, but repetition seems to help him keep the memory right.
"There were a lot of stars like tonight? A big moon as well?" I look up to see him with a quizzical expression. Trying to remember I suppose.
"Yes, I think so." I answer him back. "Do you remember what you gave me that night?" I ask trying to guide him along.
"The locket." He says after a few moments of pondering. "I tried so hard to get you to let me protect you. I guess it wouldn't have helped anyway with everyone else's plans." His hands make fists and I'm sure he's going to need a moment to collect himself but he relaxes soon after. He's getting better at controlling his emotions.
"You kissed me that night. Really kissed me." He looks down at me. "Like you meant it."
I look away from him. I will forever feel bad that I didn't fall in love with him sooner. Didn't express myself better. I always feel guilty that he loved me for so long and I sat there either oblivious or ambivalent.
"You kiss me like that now." I try to bring my eyes back to his but I can't. "Real or not real?" He whispers to me.
I don't answer him. I decide to be brave and to show him. I scoot my body up until my face is aligned with his. I kiss him tenderly, slowly. It lasts for a minute or two before some sense of urgency grips Peeta. I'm rolled onto my back and I'm feeling the same need as he is suddenly. It's a new and strong feeling that overtakes me but there is an inkling of familiarity to it. Perhaps what happened in the Quell was only a taste of what I could feel with Peeta.
One arm wraps around my waist while the other is cupping my neck. I can feel his fingers gripping my hair and his breath on my face. We are both panting. I can't seem to make my breath last long enough to kiss him the way I need to at this moment. My hands grip his shoulders trying to get him closer.
His tongue inside my mouth makes me make a strange sound in my throat because the feeling and taste of him is too much. But the noise only seems to egg Peeta on and soon he is hovering over me. His hand ghosts over my curves and I feel alive and scared all at the same time. He kisses me hard with so much passion that I think I see stars in the darkness behind my closed eyes.
He stops suddenly breathing heavily and looking around.
"I'm sorry." He says. "I kind of forgot where we were." He rolls away from me.
I had forgotten too. I think of who could have walked by and seen us. Perhaps only Haymitch but that would have been humiliating enough.
"It's okay." I assure him. It would have been embarrassing as hell to be caught in such a position, but he wasn't the only one unaware of our location.
And then I feel my lips lift. A smile? Am I really smiling? And then a sound I hadn't heard in such a long time escapes me. A chuckle. I'm laughing. I'm actually laughing. I think how funny it would be if poor drunk Haymitch came across us basically making out. He would probably gag.
I look over to see Peeta staring at me. He wears a smile as well but his eyes are teary. I calm down immediately fearing something is wrong with him.
"What's wrong?" I whisper. He sits up on his elbow.
"Nothing." He shakes his head and quickly wipes away a tear. "Nothing at all. I'm…well…I'm happy."
I reach up to his face and wipe away another tear. He traces my lips and I lift them again for him. A smile only for him. He kisses me softly and with an intense reverence.
I soak up his presence and the love he gives me. He is the only one who can make me smile anymore. It's an act so human, so precious but I was sure I would never do it again even occasionally. There is not much in my life that I can say without a doubt that I've done right. But I know in this moment that keeping Peeta was one of the best things I'd ever done.