Sgt. Decepticon

Oily Cow Flesh of Love

Narrator: The day was new. The sun was shining. And one socially awkward girl was at the Hinata's front gate as promised.

Momoka: (thinking) Last time I messed up everything and nearly scared off Fuyuki forever. But this time I'll do it right. I won't freak him out at all.

Narrator: Uh, oh.

Momoka: Yeah. I'll just kiss him as soon as I see him and then we'll marry.

In her fantasy, she sees her and Fuyuki running away together.

Momoka: We kissed.

Fuyuki: Yes. Let's elope.

Momoka: (hands him a fast-food bag) Here's my heart. I put it in this bag so it won't leak.

Fuyuki: Yeah! I shall love your heart. And I shall keep it in the fridge.

Meanwhile, in reality, Momoka goes through a series of air kissing. Thirty minutes later and she's still at the front gate air kissing.

Natsumi: You can't be here to see Fuyuki.

Momoka: (thinking) Who's this chick? All competition must be destroyed.

Starscream: (popping his head out of the bag) Hey, are we there yet? (notices Natsumi) AH! (hides in the bag)

Natsumi: Relax. I've heard all about the two of you. So are you guys like color coded? 'Cause my Mom says that would be like great for merchandising.

Momoka: Wait. You must be Fuyuki's sister.

Natsumi: Yeah. I'm Natsumi. I'm awesome.

Momoka: Hey, I'm awesome too. I know, because I ordered Paul to tell me.

Natsumi: Oh, is Paul a wimpy classmate? I do that too. (they enter the house) Bro, come out of your nerd hole. You've got a visitor and she's cute. I mean way more than you deserve.

Momoka: (thinking) WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I DON'T CARE IF SHE IS HIS SISTER! NO ONE TRASH TALKS MY BELOVED!

Natsumi: Bring robo-tard. His friend's here too.

Starscream: (thinking) She did not justy call my esteemed, handsome, heroic, eccentric sergeant a robo-tard!

Both Momoka and Starscream had a crazed look as if they were going to kill. They calmed down at the sound of Fuyuki's voice.

Fuyuki: I'm in the kitchen! (enters the hallway) Megatron and I have a little surprise for you guys.

Momoka: (thinking) He's wearing an apron. He's so sensitive!

Starscream: Hi, Megatron's cohabiter.

Fuyuki walks up to Momoka. Making her blush.

Momoka: Great to see you. You can lean in if you want to. (quietly) Heart. Sack. (air kisses)

Fuyki: I have no idea what that means, but I'm glad that you made it to this meeting on normalizing human/alien relations. We got lots to discuss.

Momoka: Yeah. (thinking) Lots to discuss. My sweet honey cake, I understand your code perfectly. We should talk about the wedding before we kiss. That is a more natural sequence. The smell of eternal love is in the air.

There was a smell in the air, but it was not love.

Natsumi: Ew. Are you cooking locker room sweat?

Fuyuki: Oh, no.

Something cam crawling out of the kitchen. Megatron chasing and blasting the thing with his fusion cannon.

Megatron: Everyone panic! The food is revolting! As in uprising, not as deceitful!

Natsumi, Fuyuki, and Starscream go out of it's way as it landed on Momoka's face.

Natsumi: What is that?

Fuyuki: Oh, man. Megatron, I told you to keep a lid on it, didn't I?

Megatron: Oh, did you mean literally? My, what comical misunderstandings we're having today.

Stascream: WOW! Is that a mixed aliens parasite Energon lovers space omelet? You know that's my favorite!

Megatron: A good sergeant must have two things. Blood lust and the ability to cook gourmet for his troops.

Starscream: I love you more than I'm allowed to say, sir!

Momoka: (grabs the omelet off her face) Get off me! (repeatedly stomps on the omelet) If anyone's swallowing my face, it's not going to be you!

She realized that they were staring at her. She quickly went back to her innocent self.

Natsumi: Not to be caddy, but I think your lady friend has some anger issues.

Fuyuki nervously laughed. The omelet continued to move, which it was Starscream's turn to snap. He fired at it with his Null-rays

Starscream: Why don't you know when to die?

After that, the whole hallway was messy.

Natsumi: Look at this mess. So you realize who's gonna have to clean that up, don't you? (looks at Megatron sinisterly)

Megatron: Uh, oh! Private Starscream!

Starscream: Yo.

Megatron: (grabs Starscream and shakes him) Be more careful! You have no idea what this she-beast is capable of when she's mad!

Natsumi: I'm not mad. I just mean if you don't clean it, I'll kill you.

Megatron: (salutes her) Sir, than you, sir! (grabs a dizzy Starscream) We'll leave now. (they take off to the basement)

Fuyuki: Hey, you want to see my room real fast?

Momoka: Oh, Lord, yes!

In Megatron's room, him and Starscream get down to business.

Megatron: We shall began the meeting in the customary way, Private Starscream.

Starscream: Oh, can we?

Megatron: Mega-mega-mega-mega-mega-mega-mega-mega-mega-mega-mega-mega-mega-mega-mega-mega-mega-mega-mega-mega.

Starscream: Star-star-star-star-star-star-star-star-star-star-star-star-star-star-star-star-star-star-star-star.

Narrator: Wait, what?

The Ghost Girl just stared at them.

Megatron: You were a little flat at the end, but now that we followed protocol, let's talk about our progress.

Starscream: What's yours, sir?

Megatron: There are five, harden Decepticons in this platoon. The other three must be close by and we shall soon find them.

Starscream: And with our combined powers, world domination should be a synch. Ha, ha.

Megatron: Obviously, but as your commander, I've altered the plan.

Starscream: Huh?

Megatron: While I'm sure other Pekoponians are vial fiends who deserve conquering. The five we have met saved our hides and we owe them big. So we must protect them from all injury and when we take their world, we'll make them house slaves and give them cute names.

Starscream: Sir, yes, sir! You're the best, Megatron. Bold, compassionate, plus you're witty and fun! And we've got a great taste in cartoons.

Megatron: Yes, yes. That's quite true. So now that we have our long term plans for victory. Let's get back to making sure I don't go offline.

Starscream: Huh?

Megatron: (cleaning the mess) Natsumi can be very violent. Look at these stains. Space omelets are not good party food.

Starscream: I'm confused. Megatron, why don't you have their maids clean up for you? I make messes all the time and I never have to clean it up.

Megatron: A maid? Momoka has a maid?

Starscream: Tons of them. I break stuff just to see them run around. So does your family keep their maids in this cottage or in their actual mansion?

Megatron: (quietly) Starscream, exactly what kind of life have you been living here?

Starscream: Oh, the regular Pekoponian life, I guess. I lay around all day ordering service to bring me whatever oils I want. My only real problem is choosing which luxury golf cart to drive into the TV room. Since I have a lot of oil I backfire a lot. Plus I have so many Gundam toys, I can't play with them all. Uh, Megatron, what's wrong? You look like you're about to blow an engine block.

Narrator: Starscream; winner! Megatron; loser! (notices something in the pot) What's in that plant? Are we planting a future threat?

Fuyuki: The meeting is now in session. As cohabiters with an alien race. I think we have a on of a kind opportunity here.

Momoka: (thinking) I can't believe I'm alone with him in his house. Now I can make him realized how much he loves me. The gift, stupid! Give him the gift so you can have your kiss! (talking) The kiss!

Fuyuki: What?

Momoka: (quietly) No, wait. I still don't think I've practiced enough. (air kissing)

Natsumi: Hey, freaks want so tea?

She places two cups of tea on the coffee table. Momoka grabs on and began air kissing the cup.

Natsumi: Um, are you like air kissing?

Momoka: Just cooling my tea.

She blew on her tea then drank her still hot tea in one gulp.

Fuyuki: So, yeah. What was I saying again? Oh, right. Living with robotic aliens. I think we need ground rules for safety. Like not bringing them to school.

Momoka: I... I have... I have... I have this... I... sack.

Starscream jumped on Momoka's face.

Starscream: Hi!

Natsumi: Are you already done cleaning? That was some serious space goo.

Megatron: Oil, parting, Gundam toys, but I'm the ranking officer. I infiltrated the wrong house.

Natsumi: Huh?

Fuyuki: Uh, Megatron, why are you pouting?

Momoka: (thinking) And why are you crushing my love feast?

Starscream saw the fast food bag and took it.

Starscream: You can't be sad. We've got presents!

He takes the burgers and fries out of the bag and placed it on the table.

Fuyuki: Whoa! Cold hamburgers from McDonald's. Momoka, you're awesome.

Momoka: Oh, it's nothing. I was going to put my heart in there too, but I realized I'd die. It's just a metaphor. I mean friends! For friendship! 'Cause we're friends. Anyway I brought these from my family's store.

Natsumi: Family store? You mean like your parents are managers or something?

Starscream: Oh, no. She's just talking about the McDonald's inside our house. Don't be silly. It's just right next to the toy store, the bakery, and the gas station with the lottery tickets where you always win. What kind of stores does your house have? Because I think ours needs a Jamba Juice.

Fuyuki: That's not true. Is it?

Natsumi: No. You'd have to be the daughter of a bazillionaire.

Momoka: Oh, that's not important. (continues air kissing)

Starscream places two medium-sized cans of oil on the table. Then pulled Megatron by the table.

Starscream: Try a burger, sir. Dip it in oil and trust me, the microwave pickles is gonna blow your processor.

Megatron: (picks up a burger) Smells like food, but feels like paper. How does paper taste good by dipping it in oil?

Natsumi: Take it out of the wrapper, malfunction. (she unwraps a burger, dips it in the oil, then shoved it in Megatron's mouth) Here.

Megatron: Cow flesh! So good, oily, and slimy. I never thought cow flesh and #6 oil would taste so good! Ever!

Starscream: With onions!

Megatron: (picks up a fry) What are these sticks of gold? (dips the fry in the oil and bites it) So salty and soggy! It taste like heaven. Like bathing in pig oil!

Fuyuki: You know we're trying to have a meeting here?

Natsumi: (picks up Megatron and Starscream) Okay, 'Cons. I think we need you to have your craziness somewhere else. (takes them away)

Momoka: (thinking) That food was to show that I loved him, but they killed the mood. I just need to confess my feelings. Tell him now! (talking) Now!

Fuyuki: Hm?

Momoka: (thinking) Stop air kissing and say something! (talking) So I think that flying saucers really exist, do you?

Fuyuki: Um, I kinda think that's not in for debat any more.

Pointing behind her. Indicating Megatron and Starscream flying in their vehicle modes.

Momoka: Yeah. Good point. That's not what I meant to say. What I meant to say... that... that I... (Megaton and Starscream began cooking on the table) I like home cooking and giant walks. What?

NatsumI: Stop budding in. (carries the two away)

Momoka: Um, no. I don't love walks. I mean I don't hate walks either. I guess if I have to label myself I'd say I'm walk neutral. I have no idea why I'm talking about that now. I really love slinkies! I didn't mean to say that either! (thinking) What am I talking about? Why can't I stop? I can't kiss him. I can't confess my feelings. All I can to is talk about nonsense. He hates me. He hates me. (talking) Please don't hate me.

She notices a blob of the omelet crawling behind Fuyuki. Right as soon it was about to attack him...

Momoka: Fuyuki! Look out! (punches the omelet three times and it died) Oh, my gosh, I just saved you.

Fuyuki: Yeah, I guess you're good to have around.

Momoka: Oh, sorry for babbling. Huh? (thinking) 'Good to have around'? He said I'm good to have around! He really does want to marry me.

Starscream: Wow! You are crazy. It's obvious you like him, but you can't say it. It's so cute.

Megatron: Yeah, you must have fallen on your head a lot (mocking Momoka's babbling)

She gave them two the beat down of their processing lives. Later, when Momoka and Starscream were leaving. Starscream and Megatron had dents, exposed wires and sparks.

Starscream: I had fun, Megatron. Next time you should come to our house.

Megatron: It's a plan, Starscream. Just as soon as I can function my face again.

Momoka: Good-bye. (bows and walks away)

Fuyuki: Okay. You know, something tells me that meeting didn't run very high on the productivity scale.

Natsumi: Nope.

Narrator: Well, maybe not for human/alien relations, but for Fuyuki/Momoka relations, I'd say it was productive indeed

RedGyarados3: Are you even reading the same story, Narrator?