Project Hunger Games
By Project H
Part 4
*Stage*
Caesar: From District 12, you know her as the Girl on Fire, or as District 12's most masculine contestant, Katniss Everdeen!
Katniss: *Walks on stage*
Caesar: You made quite the entrance at the tribute parade the other day. Do you want to tell us about it?
Katniss: Yes. I entered the tribute parade the other day
Caesar:...did you want to go into more detail?
Katniss: No thanks
Caesar: I have to say, my heart stopped. And not just because I'd eaten my own weight in chocolate fudge-covered bacon for breakfast. Tell me about the flames. Are they real? We haven't seen such a flaming contestant since D'wayan in Hunger Games 67
Katniss: Yes, they're real. As real as the Capitol's concern about all of our welfare. In fact, I'm wearing them today
Caesar:...as underwear? Well we all know what it's like to have a burning sensation in our-
Katniss: Would you like to see?
Caesar: Is it safe?
Katniss: As long as you used under 3 cans of hairspray this morning
Caesar:...I'll step back a little bit
Katniss: *Spins her fire dress*
Caesar: Wow! That was really something. A girl being set on fire – quite the preview for the Games themselves. I have one more question for you
Katniss: That assistant was already dead when they came to my room. You can't prove a thing
Caesar: It's about your sister
Katniss: No, as far as I know she doesn't like older men
Caesar: We were all very moved when you volunteered for her at the reaping. Did she come and say goodbye to you?
Katniss: Yes she did. I told her that I would try to win. And if I did, she'd be subjected to a life of "Oh, you don't want to do my chores for me? I don't remember not wanting to die for you in the Hunger Games!"
Caesar: Ladies and gentlemen, Katniss Everdeen!
-
*On stage, several minutes later*
Caesar: Ladies and gentlemen, Peeta Mellark! How are you finding the Capitol?
Peeta: Different to back home. The showers here are weird. They don't just spray us with chemical waste from nearby factories. They actually use...am I saying this right...wa-ter? And tell me – do I smell like roses?
Caesar: I'm not allowed to smell the contestants. Not anymore. I also can't lick you, but I think that's more a guideline than a rule
Peeta: Well you certainly smell better than I do
Caesar: Well, I've lived here longer. And the other contestants didn't throw me in a dumpster before I came out on stage
Peeta: They said they did it to everyone else before I got there. I thought they were inducting me into their friendship group
Caesar: So Peeta, is there a special girl back home?
Peeta: Not really. I made one out of buns once but birds ate it
Caesar: I find that hard to believe. Handsome, non-threatening, feminine man like you, surely some girl has dated you to hide the truth from her parents
Peeta: There is this one girl that I've had a crush on forever. But I don't think she actually noticed me until the reaping
Caesar: It can be hard to get a girl's attention. Unless you're a flamboyant television personality with bright blue hair. Peeta, you go out there and win that thing, and when you get home she'll have to go out with you. It will be her national duty
Peeta: Thanks, but I don't think winning will help me at all...because she came here with me
Caesar: Rue? That's disgusting. Peeta Mellark, everybody!
-
*Backstage*
Katniss: *Slams Peeta against wall* You don't talk to me then say you have a crush on me?
Peeta: Eh...I'm not good with girls
Katniss: And I'm about to make you not good at not being strangled to death!
Haymitch: Enough! He did you a favour
Katniss: He made me look weak
Haymitch: He made you look desirable
Katniss: Desirable people are weak. That's why their ends split
Cinna: He's right, Katniss. Though as a fashionista, I am legally required to side with someone with such fabulous blonde locks
Haymitch: I can sell the star-crossed lovers from District 12
Katniss: We're NOT star-crossed lovers!
Haymitch: It's a television show! As soon as they started putting toddler beauty pageants on air, it was only a matter of time before adolescent genocide made it to prime time. Being in love with that boy might just get you sponsors
Katniss: You want me to fake affection for someone to get gifts
Haymitch: Plenty of great marriages have been built around that
-
*Rooftop*
Katniss: *Walks to windowsill*
Peeta: Can't sleep?
Katniss: I can never sleep when I know I'll be killing people soon. Too excited
Peeta: I just don't want them to change me
Katniss: Sure. You're walking perfection
Peeta: I don't want to be turned into something I'm not
Katniss: Competent?
Peeta: I don't wanna be another piece in their game, you know?
Katniss: You'd be a...is there a piece that's more useless than a pawn?
Peeta: I just keep wishing I could think of a way to show them that they don't own me
Katniss: Well if you throw away the receipt, they'll have no proof that they purchased you
Peeta: You know, if I'm gonna die, I wanna still be me. Leave behind a beautiful, cinnamony corpse
Katniss: I can't afford to think like that. I have my sister
Peeta: I have a tray of miniature mince pies I was working on, but I don't think it's the same thing...
Katniss: Probably not
Peeta: Maybe this crush thing would be more believable if you said you also had a crush on-
Katniss: See you tomorrow
Peeta: Yep, that's right. See you tomorrow. I was about to say exactly that
-
*Underneath the arena*
Haymitch: They'll put all kinds of stuff right in front, right in the mouth of the Cornucopia. They'll even be a bow there. Don't go for it
Katniss: Why not?
Haymitch: It'll blow the gamekeepers minds! They'll be all "What?! She didn't grab the bow! Son of a bitch!"
Katniss: Ugh. I thought Effie took all your liquor
Haymitch: She did. But I found a jar of that stuff that barbers soak their combs in and I drank that. Make sure you run, and find water. Water's your new best friend. Don't make best friends with the other competitors because you need to kill them. Did I explain that part to you already? You actually need to kill people in this. I think I may have mentioned it...
Katniss: *Steps out of elevator and walks towards ship*
Haymitch: You can do this, Katniss...oh shoot! I had another tribute too. What was his name?
-
*Prep room*
Cinna: I'm not allowed to bet, but if I could, I'd bet on Peeta to die first. They're offering 1-1 odds, but I still think it's good value
Computerised voice: 20 seconds...
Katniss: Goodbye Cinna. Thank you for making sure I die in nice clothes
Computerised voice: 10 seconds...
Katniss: *Climbs into pod*
Computerised voice: 3...2...
Katniss: Wait, I need to use the toile-
Pod: *Rises up*
-
*Arena*
Katniss: Ugh, that sun is intense. I hope there's some SPF 40 to go with those killing implements
*Control room*
Controller 1: 50...49...48...47...
Controller 2: Ooh, don't get distracted! Don't mess up your only job!
Controller 1: 35...34...33...32...
Controller 2: 27...44...7...181...
Seneca: Shut up! If this killing of 23 children doesn't go smoothly, we're all dead!
*Katniss' house*
Mrs Everdeen: *Watching television*
Prim: Remember, we're only watching this because it's a commercial on Channel 7. I'm switching back in 30 seconds
*Field*
Gale: *Sitting and staring* Damn family wouldn't pay for cable
*Arena*
Timer: 5...4...3...2...1...
Many children: *Die*
Other children: *Kill them*
Marvel: Tell me if you see a left-handed knife. I can only use left-handed knives
Clove: There's one in this girl's head
Thresh: *Smashes child's skull* I use violence to cover for my limited social skills. I'm eternally sorry
Katniss: *Grabs pack and runs*
Peeta: *Grabs nothing and runs*
*Outside arena*
Sponsor 1: I think I'll sponsor that kid from District 6...no wait, there go his lungs
Sponsor 2: Do you use this competition to distract from the fact you can't have children of your own?
Sponsor 1: Let's not talk about this here
-
*The Forest*
Katniss: *Opens pack* Alright, we've got a water bottle, some plastic, a coil thingy, a hairdryer, a "Congratulations on your purchase of an Undersee Quality Backpack" card, and the blood of a small child. I don't think that last one was originally meant to be part of it
Cannon: *Fires*
Caesar: *In studio* And of course, there's the familiar boom of the cannon, which marks the end of another fallen tribute. Bonus points go to competitors who can kill tributes in such a manner as to cause the cannon to sound in time with a song
Katniss: *Collects water, builds fire, eats squirrel, climbs tree*
Dialogue: *Is nonexistent. Making it difficult for me to make jokes*
-
*Control room*
Seneca: Let's project the names and faces into the sky. Let the tributes know which of them have died
Controller 1: *Flashes names on dome*
Controller 2: Hey Gary, if you're listing things that have died, you should include your first marriage
Controller 1: Oh shut up
TO BE CONTINUED...