Chapter 4
Breathing was difficult. Seeing was difficult. The smoky haze around her peripheral vision made it hard to focus. Alex was almost choking on it. But the hindrances to her vision and breathing did nothing to obstruct her ability to hear. And the noise coming from around the corner in the bedroom was both unexpected and alarming. At first, when she realized where she was and that she might be in danger, Alex wanted to run. Wanted to flee and keeping running and never look back. But as soon as she heard the noise, she knew she couldn't leave.
It was definitely Olivia's voice, of that she was certain. But what was happening in there to cause her to make those sounds?
Alex tiptoed around the corner, gazing through the gap in the open door. The sound was louder now. It was Olivia, groaning, crying out in pain. The door wasn't open wide enough for her to see anything inside, but her curiosity and overwhelming need to help the brunette defeated the alarms in her brain that were screaming, DANGER, DANGER, DON'T GO IN THERE!
Her fingertips found the edge of the door, pushing it open slowly as she stepped into the room. The sight before her was horrifying. He was on top of her, one leg between hers and the other on the outside of her leg. She was naked, completely nude, and tied up on the bed with leather cuffs. There was blood everywhere.
His hands were around her neck, they were covered in blood. Her blood. And her eyes, Alex could see them from where she stood. The light was slowly leaving them. That light, that precious life Alex had so cherished, that passion for other people and love for helping people was leaving the woman she loved. Olivia's very soul was about to leave her body, and Alex could do nothing about it.
BANG!
A gunshot rang out from somewhere behind her and she jumped, the noise temporarily deafening her. A searing pain ripped through her right shoulder and she looked down. Her hands were covered in blood. The exact same shade as Olivia's. Olivia's blood on her hands. And Alex knew she was dying, too. But it wasn't fair. Why should Olivia die? She was good, and deserved to live. The world deserved to have her. Why couldn't she die instead of Olivia?
Maybe, just maybe. If she could get her attention, could get Olivia to look at her, maybe she could help her live. Maybe she could convince the detective to keep fighting, to stay alive despite his hands tightening around her neck. But he looked back at Alex, just then, his eyes were gleaming with malice, and he smiled at her. Alex could see the muscles in his arms flex as he squeezed and she knew that it was almost over. But she couldn't move. She was stuck to the floor covered in Olivia's blood and her shoulder was on fire from the wound. If only she could reach Olivia, maybe she help.
"Olivia!" she screamed, sure that her love was gone, certain that he had drained the life right out of her.
"Olivia! Liv, please don't leave me. Please!"
"Alex." A faraway voice was calling to her. Olivia's eyes were closing across the room, but Alex could hear her voice, somehow.
"Alex!" Finally, like stepping out of the thick fog she'd been walking through, she was able to see and speak properly. Alex thrashed about in the bed, trying desperately to get away from him. His presence was still all around her, she could sense it. He was nearby, close to her, ready to strangle her and worse with his bare hands.
She wormed her way to the other side of the bed and into a solid body and a strong pair of arms. The arms wrapped themselves around her body, and she fought against them momentarily until she heard the voice from above her head.
"Alex, wake up. I'm right here."
"He's here, Liv. Where is he?" she asked frantically, sure that her dream was real, that he was still in the room.
"No one is here. Only me. You're safe. We're both safe," Olivia soothed, pulling Alex into more of a sitting position until they were both sitting up against the headboard.
"It was so real," Alex breathed, believing at last that it had only been a dream.
"I know. I know it was."
Tilting her head up to look into the brunette's eyes, Alex gripped her arms even tighter. "He had you on the bed again and you were screaming and hurt and there was blood and . . . the gun. It was so loud . . ." she trailed off, her voice breaking at the end as tears started to well up in her eyes.
"Shhh. . . Alex. It's okay." Olivia drew light designs with her fingertips across Alex's back, trying to calm her down. And eventually she relaxed into the brunette's arms, content that they were both going to be okay.
"Go back to sleep. I'm right here." And she did, her eyes closed slowly as a more peaceful sleep came over her.
…
Opening her eyes to the warm, bright light on her face, Alex guessed by the sun that it was around nine in the morning. The solid warmth behind her shifted, and she turned her head to stare into the brunette's still-closed eyes. She smiled and ran her hand softly over the tanned hand draped across her stomach. Stretching her neck back, Alex pressed her lips to the detective's, effectively waking her up. Her eyes opened gradually as she blinked the sleep from them and Alex lost herself in their dark brown depths. Leaning down to kiss the blonde again, Olivia grinned when they broke apart, as much in awe of getting to wake up in Alex's arms as Alex was to wake up in hers.
"Did you manage to get any sleep?" Alex asked, rolling over and stretching her legs beneath the blanket, curling her back and neck like a cat. Olivia watched every movement, subtle as it was beneath the blue sheet.
"I did," Olivia nodded, and her eyes filled with concern. "And you? Any more bad dreams?"
Alex shook her head, although the memory of the dream was still fresh and vivid in her mind. She rubbed her temples, sitting up in bed.
"God, it was horrible."
"I know. You were screaming," Olivia said quietly.
Looking down at her hands, Alex let out a prolonged sigh. "I'm sorry."
Olivia reached out for Alex's hand, finding it and holding it in her own, she intertwined their fingers and squeezed until Alex met her eyes. "Don't apologize, Alex. You just went through something traumatic. I'm surprised you slept at all."
Alex shook her head. "How do you do it?" she asked. "You've seen so much, been through so much. How do you do it? How do you not fall apart?"
Shrugging, Olivia pulled Alex's hand up to her mouth and kissed it gently. "I don't know, Alex. I've wondered the same thing so many times. I just think of all those people who need my help, victims who can't speak for themselves, and I just wake up the next morning and go to work. The nightmares aren't so bad after a while."
She reached over and pushed a strand of hair behind Olivia's ear, then she leaned over and kissed her on the lips, gently holding the contact for a moment before she pulled away.
"Mmmm," Olivia said. "You want breakfast?"
Alex smiled. "I do. But it's my turn." She pushed the detective towards the bathroom as she rolled off the other side of the bed and made her way towards the kitchen. Turning back before she reached the door to her bedroom, Alex turned and met Olivia's gaze. The brunette had an over overdramatically worried look on her face. Rolling her eyes, Alex pointed her finger at Olivia.
"I'm not going to start a fire. I can cook a few things."
Raising her arms in mock surrender, Olivia stepped into the bathroom and started the water for a shower.
…
Alex had already started soaking the thick, several days old bread in a sweet egg mixture and was ready to put them in a hot pan when Olivia walked into the kitchen, clean from the shower, wearing sweatpants and yet another of Alex's old t-shirts even though she brought plenty of her own clothing from her apartment last night. Giving her an appraising look, Alex smiled and sprayed the pan with oil, turning her attention back to the stove. As soon as the French toast hit the pan, Olivia sniffed appreciatively and stepped up behind the blonde to observe over her shoulder.
"No fires yet?"
Alex threw a gentle elbow in the brunette's direction, and although she made contact and Olivia gave an umph sound, she smiled as the woman behind her slid her hands around the blonde's stomach. She took her time, feeling through her t-shirt the trim muscles Alex had run so many miles for. The feeling of the brunette's hands on her was heavenly, and as soon as she finished the first piece of toast, she took the pan off the heat and turned in Olivia's arms. Their lips met and Alex relished the sweet taste of the soft interior of the woman's mouth.
A buzzing noise distracted Alex from across the kitchen. She opened her eyes, glanced over Olivia's shoulder as she made a line of kisses down Alex's neck.
"Liv, your phone," she whispered. She didn't want to distract the detective, but it was probably important, and she knew that as well as anyone. Olivia kissed her several more times, taking her time until she finally gave one more quick peck to the blonde's lips before she turned and hurried across the kitchen to pick up the still buzzing phone. She glanced quickly at the name on the screen.
"Hey, Cap," she said into the speaker. Alex turned and watched, picking up her coffee mug as she leaned against the counter and took a sip. Olivia nodded, although there was no way Cragen could see the movement.
"Yes, I'm fine. Yeah, Alex is fine too." And at that, Olivia glanced up and winked at her. Alex flushed at the mention of her name to Olivia's superior officer.
"Well, I'll mention it to her, but I know what she'll say to that. Yes, sir, she's right here actually. Okay. . . Yeah."
Olivia listened for a few more seconds, opening her mouth, seemingly about to argue, Alex knew that look better than anyone, except maybe Cragen or Elliot. She shut it again right away, shrugging her shoulders in defeat.
"Yes, sir. Okay, thanks. Bye."
Setting the phone down on the counter, Olivia smiled, but her face held a lingering trace of disappointment.
"What did he say?"
"He asked about you, how you were doing. I said fine, but then he asked if you were really all right, if you needed to talk to anyone about what happened. And you heard what I said after that."
Alex nodded, crossing her arms over her chest, then frowned. Yes, she had a nightmare, but that was surely normal after going through something like that. "I don't need a shrink."
"I figured you'd say that. Anyway, he can set it up for you if you change your mind," she said, shrugging her shoulders. "I told him I'd ask."
"What else did he say?" Olivia quirked an eyebrow at Alex's quick change of subject.
"He told me I needed to take a week off."
"And you were going to argue with him?" Alex asked incredulously. "Liv, you never take time off."
"I know. I'm not good at it. I was going to remind him about what happened last time he told me to take time off. Crazy man breaks into my apartment, almost kills us both."
Alex shivered slightly at the memory and the detective shot her an apologetic look, realizing right away that the joke wasn't funny. "Anyway, he wouldn't take no for an answer. As usual. So, I'm free for the week. Got any plans?"
Without answering, the blonde strode over to the bar, picked up her cell phone and dialed a number, placing the phone to her ear. After a moment, someone picked up on the other end.
"Hey, Jill." And then, "Yes, I'm doing well, thank you. Listen, when Monday rolls around, can you let Branch know I'm taking my time off for the week." She paused a moment, listening and then allowing a rueful smile.
"Yes, I know. I've been saving it up. Yep. Okay, thanks. Bye."
Olivia stared at her as she set her phone down and walked over to the stove as if nothing had happened, as if taking off a week from her job, the most important thing in her life, was no big deal.
"Nope, no plans," she said simply as she dumped the French toast onto a plate.
"You are incredible, you know that?" Olivia asked, moving behind the blonde to wrap her arms around the slim waist, pulling her body close and kissing her neck gently. Alex nodded in response.
"I do. I've always been incredible. But it's only recently that you've noticed." Grinning, Olivia reached back to pinch the blonde's backside playfully. Alex squealed and jumped at the gesture, turning to bat playfully at the brunette as she finished cooking the second piece of French toast.
"You have a big ego. And you don't know what you're talking about, Cabot. I've always known," Olivia said into her ear and Alex turned her head in response, lining up her lips with the brunette's and they kissed slowly, exploring each other. How easy would it be to let herself fall apart in this woman's arms? But her rumbling stomach convinced her otherwise.
Breaking apart, Alex stepped away, reaching for the plates and carrying them around the bar.
"Grab my coffee, Detective. And I do not have a big ego." Olivia smiled despite the eye roll the argumentative woman incited.
"Do too," she mumbled, hoping the blonde wouldn't hear. Alex looked up sharply from her seat as she cut up her French toast into bite-sized pieces.
"Do you want my help searching for a new apartment or not?" Blanching, Olivia shot an apologetic look towards the seated woman and set both their coffee mugs down without another word.
"That's what I thought," Alex said quietly, taking a bite of the French toast and smiling to herself. Olivia smiled too, amazed at how whipped she truly was.
….
The day was filled with phone calls to realtors and meetings and walk-throughs of countless different apartments. They stopped for a quick snack in between appointments at around five that evening and picked right back up where they left off. Finally, around eight, when they were both exhausted and still Olivia wasn't satisfied with anything they'd seen, Alex suggested they head back her place for the night.
Safely inside the apartment, doors locked and shoes happily shorn, Olivia's eyes began to droop as she sat down heavily on the couch.
Alex walked directly to her, reaching down to grasp both Olivia's hands in her own and pulled. Groaning, Olivia complied and allowed herself to be hoisted right back up.
"Come on. Let's go to bed."
Olivia looked over at the wall clock. "It's only eight thirty."
Nodding, Alex continued to urge her towards the bedroom. "Yes, but you're exhausted and I'm exhausted and I want to sleep."
The dark-haired detective sighed, ran a hand through her hair. "You're right. I am tired."
Making themselves ready for bed, Olivia continued to yawn as she washed her face and brushed her teeth, grinning when she saw Alex trying to stifle her own yawn. "Stop that. It's contagious."
Alex nudged her, smiling around her toothbrush before she turned on the water briefly to spit in the sink. "It's your fault. You started it."
"Sure," Olivia joked as she put up her toothbrush and headed towards Alex's bed, throwing back the covers and sliding in, making sure her firearm and phone were nearby on the bedside table. Whether or not she was on duty didn't matter, especially after what they'd just been through.
Alex flipped off the light, slid in next to her and cuddled in close, reveling in the warmth the other woman provided. A thought suddenly occurred to her and she turned quickly to face the brunette, a question written over her features.
"Olivia?" The sparkling brown eyes that met her own were breathtaking, as usual.
"Yes?" Her breath was minty and slightly intoxicating. Alex had to consciously bring her own gaze up from Olivia's mouth back up to her eyes.
"Does it bother you that we haven't made love yet?"
Olivia's eyebrows furrowed. "Does it bother me?"
"Yes. We've slept together for several nights now and we've made out and all that but we haven't gone any further. Is that normal?"
The bed shook gently from Olivia's laughter. It was Alex turn to furrow her brow in confusion.
"What?"
"Alex. Really? Our relationship, considering our past and everything we've gone through with jobs and shootings and witness protection and Africa and all that is about as far as you can get from normal."
Nodding and slightly shrugging her shoulders in agreement, Alex continued to listen.
"And we just admitted to each other how we feel, what? A week ago?"
Alex nodded again. "Right. But don't you want to make love to me?"
Olivia let out a light scoff, her hands coming up to cup either side of Alex's face. She leaned in and gently pressed a kiss to her lips.
"You're kidding, right?" She asked. Alex just stared at her, unable to suppress her feelings of inadequacy, as rare and fleeting as they were. With Olivia, these rare feelings were stronger than ever. Professionally, Alex was fearless, but this was different. This was Olivia.
"Alex. You're the most beautiful, incredible woman I've ever known. Do I want to make love to you? God, yes. I've wanted to make love to you since the new millennium!"
"Really?"
"Yes, really. But we've waited more than ten years and I can wait a bit longer. I want it to be special. I want us both to be ready. I want to make love to you when both of us are fully awake and not exhausted and not drunk. The time hasn't happened yet, right?"
Alex smiled. With every word, she found herself falling more and more in love with this incredible woman. Not only was she kind and caring and tough and protective, but she was also chivalrous and romantic. What more could a girl ask for?
She leaned in, bringing their lips together and pulling the brunette's body closer to her own, they kissed and held each other. Alex fell asleep in her arms, listening to the steady sound of her heartbeat.
...
The next day was filled with more of the same activities, searching for an apartment. But it wasn't easy in New York City, finding a decent place with a good location, not too far from work with a decent security system.
But finally, finally, Olivia was sure she'd found the perfect place.
"Alex, this is it," Olivia said as she walked around the living room, glancing out the window at the view and staring down at the hardwood floors. The realtor had gone out in the hall to take a phone call, leaving them to explore at their own pace.
"I like it too," Alex said as she watched the detective move around the room, taking everything in. She smiled at the look on Olivia's face, like a kid on a Christmas morning. It was what she really she wanted.
"It's a little out of my price range, but I can't say no, can I? The security is really top-notch."
Alex shrugged. "That's up to you. It's your apartment. But I do like it. And it's not far from mine either."
Throwing a smile in the blonde's direction, Olivia nodded, walking again the bedroom to peek in and marvel at the master suite.
"It is. And it's not far from work either."
"Work, huh? You're gonna go back after all?"
Olivia shrugged, walking over to Alex and meeting her eyes. Olivia had been having doubts about how much longer she could work at SVU. All the things she'd been through had been adding up recently. Alex had let her vent and finally suggested she reduce the amount of cases she took on. Most people worked at SVU for a year tops. She was going on fifteen. "I thought hard about it."
"I knew you would."
"Yeah, and I can't quit. I just can't. SVU has been my whole life for almost 15 years and I'm not ready to give it up yet."
Smiling and taking the detective's face in her hands, Alex kissed her quickly.
"I know, Liv. I figured you changed your mind. You and I are birds of a feather. We'll retire when we're old and grey."
Her laugh rang out in the empty apartment. It sounded right at home, regardless of the lack of furniture and carpeting.
"We might be close already."
"Speak for yourself, detective," Alex said indignantly. "I'll always be the hot, blonde lawyer."
Olivia swatted at her playfully, but Alex dodged her with agile grace, and for a moment, her face grew serious.
"But seriously, Liv. Consider taking fewer cases?"
Olivia nodded reluctantly. "I will. Promise."
...
Outside, Olivia took a deep breath and looked appreciatively around her. Alex completely understood what she was feeling. Surviving a near death experience had a way of making you observe the world around you with a bit more scrutiny, a bit more gratitude. Olivia had already signed a contract for the apartment and was probably imagining what all her things would look like inside the new place. Her new safe haven.
"Take me on a date, Liv?"
Olivia turned and smiled, and she could have lit up the whole street with it, had it been dark.
"I would love to. Where would you like to go?"
"How about karaoke?"
An eyebrow quirked in her direction but Alex wasn't deterred, she held the detective's gaze with a straight face.
"Seriously?"
Alex nodded, and Olivia shrugged her shoulders and took the blonde's hand in her own.
...
Later that night, the doorknob to Alex's front door shook and rattled as someone tried to get it unlocked. A moment later, the lock released and the door flew open, a blurred mass of bodies stumbled inside.
It had rained again, and water ran off their coats in small rivers, drenching the tile in the entryway. A giggle came from one of the bodies, and her neck bent back until her head made contact with the wall. The giggle turned into a low, throaty moan as the second body pressed against the first.
Karaoke was fun. But this time they did more sitting back and watching than singing and revealing long-withheld secrets and attractions to each other. The cab ride over was even better. But Alex wasn't sure if she was going to be able to make it upstairs without falling apart, without turning into just another puddle on the slick sidewalk.
Once inside, however, she knew she would make it. She was wide awake, completely sober, ready and impatient. And Olivia was doing an incredible job of drawing out her torment, taking her time and exploring the new expanses of throat and collar bones that had yet to be touched.
Alex struggled out of her overcoat, trying to hang it up behind her on the coat rack without looking back. It fell to the floor in a heap, and she rolled her eyes in annoyance. Her eyes opened in surprise right after that when the dark-headed woman in her arms bit down on the space between her shoulder and neck.
Gasping now, she moved faster. She ignored her soaked overcoat crumpled on the floor and pushed Olivia's own coat down her arms, letting it slap to the floor next to hers. She reached over and locked the door, turned and pushed the brunette towards her bedroom. Olivia went willingly, eyes bright and twinkling with excitement.
In her bedroom, Alex wasted no time. She rushed the detective, their mouths met and hands wandered down to relieve each other of rain-dampened clothing. Two shirts hit the floor, followed by bras, and Alex paused, realizing they were both half naked, that a little bit further and there was no turning back. She glanced down, breathing hard, thinking about how much she had wanted this moment, how long it had taken them to get here.
Olivia sensed the hesitation, reaching across to hold Alex's face between her hands, a gesture Alex had come to associate with calm and care.
"What is it?"
"I don't know, nothing."
Olivia looked closer, forcing the blonde to look back into her eyes. She thought she understood.
"You're not ready."
Alex furrowed her brow. Shook her head.
"No. God, Liv. I'm so ready. I've wanted you, wanted this for so long."
"Me too. So what's wrong?"
Shaking her head, Alex smiled, took a breath. Olivia still seemed to think she was hesitating, unsure of what they were doing. She dropped her hands from Alex's face, grasped the blonde's hands in her own.
"Look, Alex. This is not the most important thing to me. Yes, I want to do this. I'm so attracted to you and I want to make love with you. But it's more important to me to simply BE with you. Everything else comes after that. You come first."
Alex was smiling, tears started pricking behind her eyes and she blinked and shook her head, embarrassed at how cheesy she was being. She leaned forward and kissed the dark-haired woman in front of her, caressing the side of her face. Pulling back, she opened her eyes.
"You're something else, you know that?" She started, laughing lightly. Olivia smiled too, still slightly perplexed.
"You've got me here with my top off, I almost came apart in the cab because of you and on top of that I'm soaked, and not just because of the rain. I appreciate you saying those things to me, Liv, but if you don't finish undressing me right now and throw me on that bed, we're going to have some serious problems."
Olivia stood there for a moment, blinking, before what Alex had said sank in. She wasted no more time, moving quickly but deliberately to undress the woman in front of her, putting her mouth and hands to every part of skin she uncovered.
They collapsed on the bed together, the duvet slid sideways and the throw pillows scattered on the floor. The feeling of skin on skin was other-worldly, almost ethereal. Alex cried out as Olivia found the parts of her body that demanded attention as if she'd been doing this sort of thing her entire life. Having never been with a woman, Alex didn't exactly know what she was doing, and she didn't think Olivia had ever been with a woman either. But it didn't seem to matter at that moment, their bodies moved together naturally, and their hands and mouths knew instinctively where to go. They were both women familiar with their own bodies after all.
Finally, Alex could no longer stand the teasing and gentle kisses. "Liv, I need more. I want you inside me." Her voice sounded strange to her own ears, low and throaty, breaking the relative quiet of the bedroom. Olivia responded without hesitation, exhaling, and flipping the blonde over. She slid herself up the length of Alex's body, her hand found Alex's center and she pushed inside. Eyes widening at the intrusion, Alex gasped and dug her fingernails into the brunette's back. A thousand neurons in her body had been set on fire with pleasure and Olivia pushed her up and up. Further towards the edge as the brunette's free hand touched her elsewhere, and her mouth was everywhere, on her lips down to her pulse point, to her collar bone and chest and finally to a distended nipple, latching itself on and sucking. She felt Olivia thrusting against her own hand, pushing her hand in further and giving herself pleasure at the same time and Alex couldn't believe the wetness they were creating together. She heard the brunette cry out above her, pressing hard with her hips onto her own hand.
And for several moments, Alex was sure she'd never felt pleasure like this until a new wave crashed upon her, exploding into smaller waves that hit her again and again and again. And she was shaking, trembling in Olivia's arms as she came back down, and the brunette kissed her forehead and cheeks and lips until she finally opened her eyes.
"Olivia," she said, quietly. "Yes?" Olivia said with a knowing smile.
"That . . . was. That was incredible."
"Yes it was."
Alex reached up, meeting Olivia's mouth with her own, and she felt the brunette trembling right along with her, aware that she had come right before Alex had.
"I love you. I love you so much."
Olivia kissed her again. "I love you too, Alex."
"Now," Alex said, reaching down for Olivia's hand. She found it and brought it up to her mouth, sliding the fingers that had recently been inside her past her lips and onto her tongue, tasting herself on the brunette's fingers. Enjoying the wide-eyed, surprised look Olivia was giving her as she did it, Alex released her fingers and grinned, rolling their bodies until she was on top. "You seem to be really good at this, and I want more. Let's go again."
Grinning, Olivia sat up, her arms supporting her weight behind her as she held the woman straddling her, she kissed Alex slowly.
"Mmmm," she murmured. "You're insatiable."
"I am. So get used to it, because I'm not going anywhere."
…..
A/N – and that's all I've got folks! Thanks for reading and thanks especially to those who have reviewed so far. I appreciate you taking to the time to let me know what you thought.