As had become customary when Myka woke up in the morning, Helena was gone already. But, for the first time since orientation, she left a note on the door.
"Up early. Lots of work to be done. Hope you're feeling better. –H"
Her disappointment this morning was a little more explicable, and for that reason, it was even sharper. Myka had kind of assumed that part of the reason Helena made herself scarce was that, well, Myka had been nothing but cold to her the entire fall semester. It all felt so stupid now, especially after actually starting to get to know her.
She had expected to wake up to Helena still being there so that they could continue their conversation from last night. Now, knowing that wasn't going to happen, she just really wanted to go back to sleep. It didn't help that she also had one of those dull headaches she got when she tried to pull an all-nighter.
As she was putting on her jacket and backpack to head to her chemistry midterm, she texted Helena, a grin spread across her lips.
"I think you're a ninja. How do I always sleep through you getting ready in the morning?"
She didn't get the response until she was walking into her classroom.
"Perhaps I am…"
Last night was totally worth the headache and the probably middling grade she'd get on this midterm.
A knock on the door startled Myka awake. She had fallen asleep in the middle of her calculus homework. Fantastic.
Helena opened it from the chair at her desk where she was working on her own assignment. She didn't even look up from her computer when she let Steve and Claudia in. When had Helena gotten back? Honestly.
"Oh!" Steve looked startled, "Hi Helena. I haven't seen you in here, well, actually, ever."
"Yes, Myka seems to think I'm a ninja." As she smiled at him, she continued typing.
"Hey," Claudia, being swallowed by two computer bags, a posterboard, and a plastic grocery bag of supplies, stood next to Helena's desk as Steve crossed to talk to Myka. "Are you in my robotics class?"
Helena finally stopped typing for a second and looked up, noticing the familiar face. "Oh. Yes. Hi. Sorry, just finishing a draft for a research project before I run out again, how do you know Steve?"
"Ohhh, we're in that 'Seminar Approach to General Education and Scholarship' class together." She rolled her eyes.
"I dropped my computer and got the blue screen of death, and…" Steve started.
"…And I totally saved his ass, erego, he owes me his soul and will be doing most of this project on his own."
The only part of that conversation Myka had heard was that Helena was going out again and her stomach sank. Leave it to her to fall asleep during the only time her new friend would be around.
"Speaking of our project, though, Myka, I just wanted to know if you had seen Pete. He was supposed to meet Claudia and me to work on it and he's not responding to my texts."
"No, I haven't seen him in ages… sorry."
"I knew I should have gotten him a leash." Steve shook his head. "Thanks anyway. If you hear from him… tell him… that I'll probably do his homework for him, but I'll be angry the entire time."
After the twosome left, Helena and Myka returned to their work for some time, their backs to one another, Helena typing furiously and Myka writing out equations absent-mindedly, wanting to break the silence, but not wanting to interrupt.
Finally, it was just too much for her.
"Helena?"
"Yes, Myka?" The typing continued.
"Why aren't you ever here?" There was a slight pause, but still the typing continued.
"Oh, you know… places to be, things to do…"
"Sure." Myka was going to apologize for asking, but she was doing her best to be more aware of how often she did that. And honestly, she was a little hurt. After all the things they had shared about themselves last night, she would have thought that Helena wouldn't mind sharing whatever this was with her.
"Well… if it changes anything… I like it when you're here." The typing stopped.
"I like it when I'm here too."
Myka smiled to herself and if she had been able to see Helena, she would have seen a much sadder, more tired, smile on her face.
Helena continued to leave a post-it every morning. It would have been nicer if she was in the room when Myka awoke, but it was better than nothing. Myka would always respond via text, and that would spur long conversations that would go on all day. Pete and Steve had made a habit of stealing her phone when they got to have meals together because, if they didn't, she wouldn't spend a minute paying attention to them.
The quaint nature of this new custom was entirely delightful.
I left some fruit salad in the refrigerator. Eat it. You don't eat enough. (Your mother paid me to say that) – H
I finished 'American Gods.' Is it your favorite book? It should be everyone's favorite book. – H
I saw Professor Nielsen walking his dog yesterday. When I asked where he got the dog's sweater, he said he made it himself. You're welcome. – H
Left a copy of The Fault in Our Stars on your desk. Read it. I want to talk about it. – H
But by far the most memorable conversation began when Helena left a post-it asking Myka her middle name. It hadn't taken that long for her to guess it once Myka had said it started with an "O." When she had asked the question back and Helena had told her that her middle name started with a "G," Myka lost it.
"Wait, wait, WAIT. Your name is H.G. WELLS? H.G. MOTHEREFFING WELLS?"
No answer.
"Helena, respond to me. This is vitally important."
No answer.
"I'm serious, Helena. This is the most serious I've ever been in my life."
No answer.
"HELENAAAAAAA."
"Yes, Myka, those are my initials, that is my name. When I mentioned it to my parents as a child, they didn't even realize what they had done. Thank you for laughing at my misfortune."
"This is the most amazing news I've heard all day. Your misfortune is my GOLD MINE."
Myka stayed awake late that night so that when Helena returned, she could jump around in glee. Helena rolled her eyes and tried to hide her smirk while Myka talked about H.G. Wells and how amazing this news was, following Helena to the bathroom while she brushed her teeth and then back into the bedroom. She continued talking long after Helena had turned out the lights.
When she woke up in the morning, the day's post-it was signed "H.G."
As Thanksgiving approached, Myka's classes had become a serious problem. She was studying as much as she could, but her heart just wasn't in it and it was harder to ignore as the end of the semester was almost upon them. She had been dodging calls from her family for almost a month now, not wanting to explain that she wasn't sure if she had made the right decision. She had, after all, mostly chosen her major because it seemed like what her parents wanted. And if she even seemed a bit tentative about it, she had no doubt her parents would insist she transfer to a school closer to home.
Pete's mom was an academic dean and Myka set up an appointment to meet with her before the holiday to talk about her options.
Jane Lattimer, even though she was a relatively small woman, was fierce and Myka was immediately intimidated when she walked into her office. She asked Myka a series of questions that threw her completely off-balance and the girl was struggling to come up with any answers.
After a long silence, Jane looked Myka in the eye and asked,
"What do you actually want?"
Rushing across campus and up the stairs in the blistering cold, Myka got to the boys' door, still shivering. She knocked, hard, and shortly thereafter Pete answered. She rushed past him and threw herself on the couch.
"Hey, Mykes, what's up?"
"I don't know Pete. I don't know!" The end of her sentence went up in pitch and Pete came and sat in front of her, leaning on a chest of drawers. Steve stood up from his desk and came to sit next to her on the couch. Just like her first day at school, they were completely in tune with her, and for that, she was thankful.
She saw her frantic nature reflected in their eyes and it all came flooding out of her.
"I just had a meeting with your mom, Pete, and she asked me what I wanted and I can't tell her what I want because there's just so much and I came to this school so that one day I could go to med school, but I don't want to go to med school! I don't even like doctors! I mean, doctors are great, but I don't want to BE one! I want to read books and study words and I want to be solve puzzles and…"
And she wanted to have this conversation with Steve alone, but at this point, it wasn't really an option, because the words were coming out of her mouth.
"…and I think I like girls. Well. I know I like girls. But I definitely like one girl in particular. And I don't know what to DO!"
And with that she fell to her side and laid still.
"Is she for real?" Pete muttered to Steve, eyes wide.
"She is so for real." Steve was smiling genuinely.
"Is it Helena?" Pete asked.
"Yes." Myka sheepishly admitted. Not that it probably hadn't become totally obvious by the way she reacted every time she received a text. Steve took her hand and Pete scooted forward so he was directly in front of her. She couldn't look away.
"Nothing you just said is bad. Okay, so you don't want to be a doctor. I don't want to be a political scientist!"
Myka didn't think he was understanding, "But I don't…"
He cut her off "Then do what you want, Mykes. Change your major. You do you, girl!"
The heavy mood was lifted with Pete's insistence of girl power.
"And listen. I'm going to try super hard not to think about you and Helena making out. And that's the most I can promise."
The three of them spent a little while longer catching up before Myka went back to her room. They both gave her giant hugs as she left.
As she stood in the hallway alone, she felt like running back into the room she had just left. She couldn't go back to her room. What if Helena was there? If she was being honest, when she had admitted her feelings to Pete and Steve, it was the first time she had admitted them to herself as well.
She had never been a dater. She had gone on dates with a boy named Sam whose mom was friends with her mom, but it wasn't serious. More to get her parents to stop worrying about her lack of a social life. Nobody, except for Tracy, knew that they had never even kissed. That's right. She had gotten all the way to college without kissing someone.
Which had never weighed on her until today.
She began to open the door to her room, alternately praying that Helena would and wouldn't be there, a tumult in her own head. But before she could get the door open completely, she heard Helena having a tense conversation on the phone, much like the ones she had heard between Myka and her father. She stood frozen with the door half-open.
"Yes Charles, I'm aware of the situation, and I'm honestly doing the best that I can, I've been doing the best that I can and I can't do anymore, so if it's not enough then you can tell him…"
Myka decided to use the break in Helena's speech to enter the room properly. She didn't want it to seem like she had been eavesdropping. Which is kind of what she had been doing. Helena was standing in the middle of the room and turned when her roommate entered, looking embarrassed.
Myka shook her head, assuring Helena that there was nothing to be embarrassed about. When Myka held out her hand, Helena took it gladly.
"Alright Charles, I'll… I'll look into it. Goodbye."
The girls continued to stand silently, Myka rubbing the space between thumb and forefinger on Helena's hand. Helena leaned her head onto Myka's shoulder, and just barely whispered "I'm so tired."
Myka took charge. "Come on then, let's get you in bed." Helena slumped onto the comforter while Myka picked out pajamas for her. Helena did the changing herself, of course. Now was hardly the time for Myka to bring up that, yes, in fact, some day she'd like to do the undressing.
After Helena was tucked in, Myka asked, "Is there anything else you need? Can I do anything?"
"Aside from making my family a little less crazed?"
"Yes," Myka nodded seriously, "Aside from that."
"Could you maybe just..."
Helena furrowed her brow and looked at Myka, yearning for something, but being too embarrassed to say it.
Myka took off her jackets and her shoes, threw them on the floor and told Helena to scoot over, so she could lay next to her. Helena turned on her side so Myka could hold her. When she grabbed Myka's hand and held it near her face, Myka felt tears sliding down her cheek.
"Just take a deep breath. Everything's going to be fine."
And they took those deep breaths in sync with one another until they both fell asleep.