"Would you die tonight for love?" The Muggle music asked Hermione repeatedly, Smelly Valo's warbling semi-falsetto tones encapsulating the raven-haired beauty as she lay in her black satin sheets, alone, untouched, running her fingers over the scars that covered her pallid arms. She had been playing the music at quite a loud volume for hours, crying into pillows until she could not cry anymore, eyes swollen, voice tired from crying out against the music. Draco and she had not spoken for a week. He tried to speak to her, but every time he did, she cast a Muffilato spell and slammed her door shut, rendering it so it could not be unlocked.
During a small break in the music, sulky Ione heard a loud bang at the front door. Sighing, she got up, charmed the music to play a little lower, drew black satin robes around herself, and walked to the front door, opening it. In front of her stood Severus Snape, simply staring at her with his midnight black eyes and long, silken onyx hair that fell in front of his face. His skin was chalk white, and Hermione almost blushed, noting he looked quite handsome and like the muggle music superstar, Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails.
"Head Girl Granger. May I...enter?"
She nodded, stepping aside. He walked in, looking brisk.
"Headmistress MacFuckagal has sent me here to tell you that she wishes you wear your Hogwarts uniform, and not the disturbingly inappropriate muggle clothes, to class. Any other time...the clothes are fine."
Ione just stared up at him, his statuesque height making her weak in the knees. How could she have never noticed before--a gothic prince at Hogwarts?
"Y-yes, Professor Snape," she stuttered, then felt immediately insecure. Her voice was crackly, her hair a mess, mascara coating her face from her crying.
"I would also like to note, your...apptitude...seems to be declining, Miss Granger. Your grades are slipping dangerously low. Why, you never have recieved anything less than a Muggle American standard A-. I must ask, what is troubling you? As Head Girl, you are expected to be a stellar student. Has something...happened to you, Miss Granger?"
"Call me Ione," she whispered. The pair stared at eachother for moments.
"Ione," he said in a low tone she had never heard before. "Ione."
So close. So close...the two ravens leaned in, Snape preparing to kiss his one true love, a goddess of epic goth proportions...
At that very moment, Draco walked in. He gasped, silver orbs shining.
"P-professor! I-Ione!" The pair broke apart at once.
The professor, flustered, stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Draco simply stared after him, mouth agape, and then turned to Ione, eyes re-filling with new tears she had no idea she could create, as she was kind of dehydrated and craved a Dasani.
"You...slut. You deceitful charlatan...you tramp!" Draco cursed her, yelling insults that sent her exploding into insults at him.
"YOU were the one who slept with Pansy Parkinson!" Hermione screamed, her voice raw.
"I TOLD YOU! SHE RAPED ME! I HATE PANSY! I QUITE FANCIED YOU, HERMIONE!"
"What?" Hermione whispered. Draco's pallid cheeks tinged red.
"Hermione...I...I love you. Ione. I love you."
"Oh, Draco," Ione sighed. "Draco, I love you, too. More than you will ever know."
The two stepped towards eachother. So close, so close...
The door opened, startling both Hermione and Draco. It was Ron, standing there in all his red-haired fury, clutching his wand angrily.
"Hermione!" He yelled. "Don't even tell me. You--and Draco--dude, that's totally disgusting!"
Draco drew his wand, pointing it at Ron. "Don't you dare talk to my precious queen like that, you...mundane...normal...boring...Weasley," he sneered. "You have no business here, Ron."
"I've come here to kick some sense into Hermione," Ron yelled, storming into the room. "Hermione, Harry and I are your best friends. We always have been! Why are you doing this? What's all this black?" He motioned wildly to her clothing. "The hair? The makeup? What the hell is your problem, Hermione?! You're failing all your classes. You haven't had any awkward moments with me in a month!"
Ione started, but Ron kept yelling.
"Come on. We're supposed to end up married with two kids! You can't be Goth. I've just seen SNAPE leaving this dormitory. Snape! What were you doing with him? He had a boner the size of Kansas, Hermione! So you're a goth AND a tease!"
Hermione began to break into tears. She grabbed her wand, preparing to slice her pale flesh again...
"I don't think so," Ron yelled. "Petrificus Totalus!"
Hermione was bound, then fell to the ground, totally frozen. Ron did the same to Draco, who had been to busy crying about his father and being a fucking pussy while Ron was talking.
"And that's for being a lame-ass," Ron spat at Draco. "Go get ass raped by the ghost of Cedric Diggory, Malfoy." Ron picked Hermione up and flung her over his shoulders, then stuck his wand back in his pocket. "Come on, Hermione, we're going to fix you."
***
Ginny, who had gotten over her newfound Gothness after realizing athletes can't be goth and she's supposed to marry Harry and have three dumbfuck kids with him, was sitting in the Room of Requirement with Harry. It looked quite like a muggle salon. Ron entered, locked the door, and unbound Ione at once, who began to protest, beating her fists against Ron.
"We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way, Hermione," Ron said, her blows not registering with him. "You will be Hermione again. The real Hermione."
"No one likes a goth, Hermione," Harry said. Ginny nodded, agreeing.
"B-but...what about the Horcruxes, Harry?" Hermione sniffled.
"What about them?"
"We're supposed to be finding them and destroying them. Why are we back at Hogwarts?"
"Well, Voldemort realized his whole rid-the-world-of-muggles-and-muggleborn thing was stupid, and decided to open a chain of ice cream places in Diagon Alley, instead. He also came to terms that his dad was a muggle, and they're re-connecting. It was in the last issue of Witch Weekly."
"Oh," Hermione said.
"So let's get you fixed up," Ginny said, brandishing not scissors or hairdye, but a wand.
Hermione sighed. "Well, the incessant crying is starting to rip up my tear ducts."
"That's the spirit!"
"But guys..." Hermione sighed. "I do...I do really love Draco. I always have." She stared down at the ground. "I can't change that."
"But who will I marry, then?" Ron asked angrily.
They all shrugged. "No one, like your brother Charlie."
Ron thought about it. "Cool, I don't really want to be tied down, anyway. So let's get you fixed up," Ron said, clasping his hands together. "Ooh, I'd love to make your hair like it used to be, but put in some lowlights." He directed Hermione to a chair, threw an apron over her and swung her in front of the mirror. Harry and Ginny looked at eachother, now realizing Ron was gayer than all the inhabitants of Fire Island! The relationship with Lavender had all been a ruse! The marriage to Hermione was to be one of convienience!
"Actually, Ron, we do have someone in mind for you to marry," Harry said with a smile as Ron went to work on Hermione's hair.
ONE MONTH LATER
Hermione, Ron, Harry and Ginny sat happily together in the Great Hall, eating their delicious lunch and laughing while doing so. Hermione, back to normal, no makeup on her face, smiled and joked with fabulous Ron, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. Her grades were back up, and her spirits were, too. Gryffindor house was pleased to be rid of their lone goth student. Draco, feeling embarrassed, had charmed his hair back to its normal white-blonde and learned to stop being such a goddamn pussy. He even worked up the nerve to ask Hermione on a date to the Three Broomsticks, which she happily accepted. Everything was going great. Ron even had somebody!
"Oh, here comes your boyfriend, Ron," Ginny murmured, watching the figure stride towards Ron's side of the table. It was Cedric Diggory's twin brother, Medric!
And Voldemort was bringing them all free samples of his newest flavor, Bat Bogey Delight!
Nothing at Hogwarts could be more perfect.