Chapter 4: Please Don't Leave

Disclaimer: Again I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different.

I still do not have a beta so all mistakes are mine.

WARNINGS: Not sure on what the warning should be. After all, if I tell you it would spoil the story. But let's just say minor freak-out.

Edit: 12/22/16 My amazing beta has checked this and has made it much better.

The smell of spices was nearly overpowering to Spock as they walked into the Indian restaurant. Out of everything that was close it was the only place that served vegan food. They found a booth in the back away from everyone else, Jim taking the seat facing the restaurant dining room. It would give them privacy to talk. Both sat silently. Nether knew what to say. It was as if they hadn't started speaking to each other again. Jim sat fiddling with his sleeves not looking up at him while Spock pretended to read the menu.

"Um-"

"I believe-"

They shared a small smile. "You go first." Cerulean eyes finally met his own brown as Jim spoke.

Spock nodded knowing it would be pointless to argue. "How about we order first and then talk?" Spock asked lightly. Jim nodded before picking up the menu.

They sat in silence again but this time it wasn't as strained as it had been. As the waiter came and took their orders Spock watched his bondmate. The younger male seemed distracted. He was picking at his sleeves again. "Jim are you ill?"

Surprised by the sudden question Jim looked up at Spock. "No? Not that I can think of. Why?" He had stopped fidgeting and sipped his water.

The Vulcan waited until he set the glass down before answering. "You skin isn't as tan as it normally is. You haven't been sleeping well again…and you just ordered a small salad. Combine that with how distracted you are and the fact that you ate only an apple this morning I am concerned that you may have gotten sick."

A light chuckle escaped Jims lips. "Maybe. Don't worry I'll take care of myself. I just wasn't that hungry. Still not. And I had a muffin when I got to work." The silence descended down on them once again as they waited for the food. Both sneaking glances at the other when they thought the other person wasn't looking.

The waiter came back and placed the bowl of salad in front of Jim while setting the vegan curry dish in front of Spock. Spock watched as Jim pushed the vegetables around while Spock himself ate. After a few minutes of simple eating Spock set his PADD on the table. "Here are the list of candidates that showed promise."

Spock continued to eat while Jim read over the list and butchered the vegetables with his fork without eating them. His eyebrow climbed his forehead as he watched Jim drown the salad in dressing. "Jim perhaps you should go see a doctor."

The blonde shook his head. "I'm alright Spock." He continued scrolling down the list as he picked up a forkful of the butchered salad, brought it to his lips before placing it in his bowl only to repeat the process over again. Finally, Jim gave up pretending to eat all together as he laid the fork down. "What about the third from the top? He seems good."

Nodding the older male set down his spoon watching his bondmate. "Perhaps. He does seem to have high reviews and his skills are not lacking." Having memorized the list and everyone on it Spock did not need to look at the PADD to know to whom Jim was referring to. He was one of the best in his field.

Jim looked up from the PADD and fixed his eyes on the man sitting across from him. "I hear a but coming. What is it?" The corners of his lips edged up into a smile.

"He…has only had human clients. Though he is good, I do not think he would be able to help us enough." He felt a sense of relief that Jim understood when his eyes widen and then nodded. "I think the fifth one is good as well. However, they pose the same problem. They have only had experience with other non-human races."

Jim laid the PADD between them and pointed to another name. This one close to the bottom of the list. "What about this one? She seems good. She has a good track record. Her credentials are high. She graduated the top of her class. Even comes from a mixed species family." The like you went unsaid as they both read over her file.

Spock had thought about her as well. She had both non-human and human clients. There were even mixed relationships like Jim and himself. She had a few clients that had been of the same sex. Although that was not as much of an issue as it had been in the past there were some difficulties of being in a same sex relationship. The most common one being children. The down side that Spock saw from her was that most of those relationships had ended in divorce. Spock did not know if that was caused by the lack of skill on her part or if the clients problems had been too great.

The Vulcan reached for the PADD and their fingertips brushed against each other. Revulsion, fear, guilt, sadness, hope. They hit Spock like a ten-ton truck in the gut winding him as much as if he truly had been hit. Quickly before anything else came through Jim removed his hand, cradling it as if it had been burned.

Spock sat back watching as the human's eyes darted around never landing on anything for more than two seconds. "Jim." His fingers clinched and relaxed as he struggled with reaching out to his mate or pulling further away.

The human jumped out of his seat. "I'm sorry…I can't do this right now Spock." His voice broke and he turned away, making his exit of the building. Spock quickly paid for their meal and went after his bondmate. "I can't right now Spock. I just can't." The male turned to face him. "I'll see you after work. I am fine walking back on my own. Please…just…not right now."

After a long moment Spock nodded. He almost didn't but those blue eyes begged him to let him go even as every shield Jim had learned was slamming in place in his mind shutting Spock out. "As you wish Jim. Be careful on your way." Jim gave a bitter laugh as he looked anywhere but at Spock. "Jim?"

Shaking his head, the human turned away. "Nothing Spock. See you after work. Promise." He gave a small smile and kept walking.

Spock watched him until he turned down the road. He sighed lightly. Being around humans had given him bad habits. Gripping his PADD tightly he turned and walked back to where he parked his car. His mind was distracted as he returned to finish the day's classes. When he finally returned home that night it was to his mate sleeping on the couch. Jim must have stayed up to try to talk to him.

Spotting the cup of whisky Spock walked over to his mate. His eyes were puffy and red. A common occurrence for those who over indulged in alcohol. His bondmate would likely be in need of a pain reliever in the morning. Spock turned and retrieved the bottle from the cabinet before laying it on the table by Jim. It was, to human standards, warm in the house but he knew Jim liked to sleep with at least a sheet on. Going to the hall closet he removed a sheet and blanket. The Vulcan placed the blanket over Jim's relaxed form before laying the blanket at his feet.

Jim stirred and pressed his face to the couch pillow. "Spock…" He whimpered like an animal that had been struck before letting out a sob. "Don't…" Spock quickly took several steps back before leaving Jim. Of course he would have nightmares. Spock had touched him today. Jim always had nightmares after they touched now. Spock let out a Vulcan curse before going to his room. He sat on the edge of his bed. There was no way he could sleep after hearing that sound from Jim's lips. Not after knowing he was the one to put it there.

"Nights like this I wished you had not died Selek. You could tell me what to do. How to fix this. You must have…gone through something like this with your Jim." He rested his forehead against his clasped hands trying hard to clear his mind. "How did you two get passed this?"

He rubbed his hands down his face asking himself why he had even started this relationship in the first place. Hearing the male whimper from the other room made his heart hurt but it also reminded him of the why. It was because he loved him and wished to protect him for the rest of Jim's life. That same reason kept him from walking away even though this was killing both of them. He loved Jim even after everything they have been through these five months.

Spock cringed as Jim screamed his name in terror. As much as the Vulcan wished to go to Jim he knew from experience that his touch was not welcomed during or after the nightmares. He just hoped Jim would wake up soon. He sat awake as he heard his bondmate beg and scream. At one point the glass of whisky crashing to the floor as Jim's hand struck it.

When the sound of a body hitting the floor reached his ears Spock was out of his bed and to the door. He didn't open it. It was too soon to check on Jim. He counted Jim's labored breaths. What felt like an eternity passed as he waited for Jim to calm down. He listened as the male picked himself up from the floor before those footsteps came to his door.

"Spock? You awake?" He should answer him. He felt Jim lean against the door. "Probably not…I'm sorry. I am so sorry. For that night." Spock heard the hitch in Jim's breath. "I shouldn't have left that night. I…still love you ashayam. God I always will love you. I am so pathetic. I can't even say those words to you now. Just…please don't leave me."

Author's Note 2: For those of you wondering yes I do know how night terrors work. I've had them growing up. They got so bad I was afraid to sleep. That in turn made me stay up for days on end. I cannot control my dreams or realize I am dreaming until I wake up. I started taking medication for them until it was clear I was allergic to the medication. I don't have them as often now but I still have one or two a week. My mother has learned not to touch me while I am sleeping because I can't control if I lash out until it is too late to stop myself from hurting her. Thankfully she understands because she has the same problem. I am saying this because you do talk in your sleep. You lash out or scream. I have woken up sobbing while staying the night at a friend's house. Needless to say I was embarrassed. So yes I do know how some people react while having night terrors.