AN: This one sounded better in my head- but I so loved the image of a maudlin would be King Under the Mountain... Drinking ... and perhaps drunk dialing... but definitely drunk.

Standard disclaimers are sill in action.

Stay tuned for 'Azog vs the spell checker'

Azog vs… the drinking game.

It was late by the time two cloaked figures approached the warehouse. They moved with practiced stealth, all too aware of what had happened the last time they'd been captured. They watched the door for a while, and then panicked as they heard the unmistakable sound of their uncle… singing.

They moved quickly, knowing if any fangirls were in the area, they would be betrayed by their uncle's unmistakable voice and, as Kili was quick to point out, if they didn't stop it soon, there would be an upswing in the number of human babies conceived within listening range.

Fili had barely raised his hand to knock on the door when it was flung open and he found himself and his brother being grabbed and dragged in. Hearing the door slam shut behind them, the two stood back to back expecting the worse.

What they did not expect was a disheveled Azog with bloodshot eyes, staring at them. His panic was palpable.

"Thank Aulë, you're here…"

"What? What happened?"

Azog shook his head. "Your uncle stopped by and he seemed… really out of sorts, and I couldn't get a word out of him… I tried everything I could think of… I think it was finally the Patron that loosened him up enough… but…"

"He's been reading again, hasn't he?" Fili asked, his tone despondent.

Azog nodded. "And you know me… I'm not what you'd call a touchy-Fili guy…"

Fili's shoulder's sagged at the pun. "Thanks."

"Sorry… attempting to lighten the mood… "

"Failed," Fili assured him, still focused on his uncle.

"Anyway," Kili asked getting more and more worried as his uncle's singing started to get, if possible, more maudlin.

"Anyway… he's fixated on one facet of fanfiction, and well… I haven't been able to get him to stop. I've even tried innuendo and pre-slash fluff… nothing's working."

Fili fixed his gaze on Azog, a cold realization coming to him. "He's hit the deathfics hasn't he?"

"Big time." Azog answered. "And I've tried filtering them, I've tried blocking the sites, but he keeps finding them, and… it's like nothing else exists for him."

"And the drunkenness?"

"He's using some drinking game he found online…"

"Drinking game?" Kili asked with a frown, after all: how bad could a drinking game be?

"Yeah… you know… Fili worries about you… take a sip. Fili swears he'll protect you… take a shot… You give puppy eyes to anyone, take a shot… you say it hurts… shot… One of you dies, take a double… You two die arm in arm, drain the bottle… you get the idea."

He waited for the full impact to hit the boys before continuing. "He's already drained a case of JD and he's still in the single death scenes."

"He knows its fiction… why can't he move on…"

"I don't know, but I'm hoping you can get through to him. He keeps insisting you're both dead…"

Kili thought about what Azog had said and realized that coming out and just showing up, might send Thorin into shock.

Fili thought the whole thing was ridiculous, but agreed with Kili.

Azog thought the whole fan fiction thing was silly, although he did, truth be told, rather like the drinking game. He paused… then smiled his best evil smile. He had the solution right in front of them.

Fili backed away from the orc warily.

"Relax," the orc told him as he stepped over to his netbook. "The solution is right in front of us…"

"What?"

"If you can't beat 'em… join 'em…"

And that is how Azog, the Defiler, Taco Vendor from Hell became 'KiliandFilicannotdie73' and how Fili and Kili had ended up drunk on his couch.