NOTE: The Ridleys start hitting the fan hard by the fight scene. You've been warned.

"Live! From Bowser's Castle in the Bowser Badlands!

"It's the first annual celebration of Samus's pregnancy!"

The spotlights were shining all over the newly renovated Bowser's Castle. Peach took great advantage of the neon feel of Bowser Land, creating a world of expensively dynamic lighting filled with even more expensive food. The whole thing guaranteed that the owner would be sobbing out of despair by the end of it. Toadette continued.

"We are here with the organizer of this wondrous party: Princess Peach Toadstool. Any words Princess?"

"Thanks for letting me use your credit card Bowser! I was rather hesitant to do so, but Ridley told me you wouldn't mind! Oh and also for helping us smelt your gold statues into keychains for everyone!"

Bowser sobbed out of despair from the one of the mini sofas in Bowsy's room. Bowsy and Diddy Kong (two of the three or four members of the "apparently-I'm-not-a-human-kid-and-thus-forced-to-wallow-in-fan-obscurity" club) stared at him.

"Boy, your dad isn't taking total bankruptcy well." Diddy noticed.

"Yeah, and it's all Bigley's fault. Him and that stupid brat of that space chick" Bowsy replied in a nice pot-calling-the-kettle-black moment. Diddy stopped staring at Bowser Sr. to stare his rival/vitriolic friend in shock and terror!

"Did you just say Bigley? As in who I think you mean?"

"WAZZUP!1111111!"

Everyone turned to Ridley who had just entered the room.

"Apparently so…" Diddy replied whilst horrified.

"Bowser! I still gotta thank you for inviting all the smashers to your home for me and Samus's special day!"

"Bigley, you're breakin' my heart!" Bowser responded, tears filling his eyes. Had he still not been playing a role, Ridley would have laughed manically.

"Anyway, the lady of the hour should be here in an hour and I'm expecting a special someone to show up as well. And after that well let's just say… It'll be to die for! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Everyone's favorite genocidal space pirate flew out the window, shattering it and adding to the Bowser family's already rocketing bill. The three in the room were silent.

"Well Dad." Junior turned to his old man. "When are we getting rid of him?"

"Don't worry Junior." The King grumbled. "I have him marked."

Meanwhile, on the roof…

"Why am I not shooting him now?" Pittoo asked, trigger finger on the staff/gun.

"Because, New Guy," Wario began in response," We trust in Bowser's instincts to lead us to our go-" Wario and King Dedede proceeded to burst into laughter at that statement. "Sorry, I can't-a say that with a straight face. If the kid tells you earlier, do it."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Zelda walked around Casa de Bowser, looking for a way to spy on Link to make sure that cheating hussy Peach, when she spotted a clogged toilet. Now, clogged toilets in the Bowser residence are nothing special. I mean, we are talking about Bowser here. The castle staff had long since given up on repairing the toilets after Taco Tuesday, otherwise known as the incident that can only be referred to as "The Day The Gods Could Do Nothing But Weep." There was a funeral service held sometime later that week.

"I said I was sorry." ~ King Bowser

This time, however, the toilet was clogged with a yellow piece of paper that had large friendly letters reading "EVIDENCE! EXCLAMATION MARK!"

"Now, who on Earth could be trying to get rid of evidence?" Zelda said in a suspicious 'It's very very obvious who' voice. "But as a Princess, I cannot touch this filthy thing. I'm too rich and clean! Instead, this looks like a job for…"

Suddenly, Zelda threw a smoke bomb down on the ground, whilst making imitation hissing noises. As the dust cleared, a form could be made out amidst the smoke. It was the legendary shiekah…

Impa

"I owe you my life Impa." Zelda complimented her keeper.

"You bet you do." The older woman said as she fished out the, almost guaranteed smelly, papers. Princess Zelda looked over the papers Impa's hand, not daring to touch the tainted paper. Her face slowly went from a neutral frown to a look of shock as she processed whatever horrifying message was on the dastardly paper.

"…This is-"

SCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCANDALSCA

"And that's why they're called: 'The Aristocrats!'"!" Ridley finished his joke to the audience of now scarred children and disturbed adults. Rosalina and Palutena both looked horrified, Marth looked like any second now he would start sobbing, Dedede had that same maniacal look in his eyes as he does in his 3DS victory poses and Bowser looked like he would rather be anywhere but there. Meanwhile Bowsy was nervously squatting in his Junior Clown Car, Ness, Diddy and Toon Link had their hats pulled as far over their faces as possible, Alph was trying to calm down his Pikmin which were running around on fire (except the red pikmin which was on water. Somehow.), Villager was crying and Mega Man had to physically restrain himself as his programming screamed at him to shoot Ridley, second rule of robotics be darned. Ridley however was blissfully unaware of how tasteless and horrifying his jokes were. But before the space pirate leader could ask why everyone wasn't laughing, a large limousine with a license plate consisting of two intersecting lines appeared on the road outside of the castle. Out of it stepped three people: A man in black doctor's scrubs who was holding an egg, Samus in an evening gown which could just barely fit her armor, and Crazy Hand who had a small bowtie attached to his wrist.

"It's time…" Ridley whispered, his plans so close to completion as he flew off to greet everyone. The horrified smashers stood still.

"Bwah hah! That- that sure was a good one Bigley." Bowser falsely laughed. Everyone glared at him. "…Don't give me that look, I'm working on it!"

Ridley approached the three individuals and began addressing them. First: Samus.

"Hey, Sammy! How's everything going? And how's our little bundle of joy?"

Samus snarled menacingly, her dress preventing her from accessing her weapons as well as, no doubt acting as some sort of metaphor for how much of a woman she was. Ridley turned to the doctor.

"Dr. Mario! What are you doing here?"

"I'm just here to see the show." The doc replied with his usual-as-of-late frown.

At last, Ridley turned to Crazy Hand, ready for the final act of his plan to begin.

"Oh Crazy~" Ridley called in an uncomfortably camp voice. "Is there something you have to say to little ol' me?"

Crazy Hand managed to stop touching his bowtie whilst thinking about explosions and hellfire long enough to remember that he had a job to do. So, with a (not actually) heavy heart, Crazy Hand turned to Ridley with an ominous mood.

"Giant Lizard…"

"~Yeeeeeeeessssssss~?"

Steam started flowing in.

"We have decided…"

A spotlight turned on.

"…"

Crazy Hand was slowly given a standing ovation for his mastery of suspense, lead by William Shatner. The maniacal glove received his Oscar with great honor, even offering to (but not actually) donate it to Leonardo Dicaprio. Ridley looked impatiently at his watch before remembering that he was too poor to buy one. Then he remembered that he was using Bowser's credit card.

"That you and the Turtle-Oxes must die! For the good of humanity or whatever…"

"What?!" Bowser and Junior spit out the cups of fancy water that they were drinking before going over to see if they heard correctly.

"Yup! All of you are gonna die." Crazy confirmed. "Maybe then you'll think twice before landing an airship on top of Master. Do you know how much of himself he lost?!"

Everyone started booing at the koopas.

"Shut it!" Bowser yelled in response.

Ridley was surprisingly calm and moved towards Samus and Dr. Mario.

"Oh Crazy Hand. How many times have we interacted with each other? Once, maybe twice? And yet you think you can simply tear a father away from his newborn." Ridley placed a clawed, terrible hand on the egg that Dr. Mario was holding. "Don't you know how much pain Samus was probably in when she popped out this little wonder?"

Everyone puked rainbows at that comment.

"And by the same token, you wouldn't want to separate a husband and his wife on the battlefield right?"

Marth, Olimar and Pac-Man stared at Ridley.

"Thus, you should allow me to fill in for poor Samus lest she strain… whatever muscles a woman can probably strain. After that who knows. Maybe I'll be good enough to fit (he he) on the roster!"

Dr. Mario was about to object when Zelda did it for him.

"Objection!" She exclaimed, stunning the courtroom. "My kind and noble guardian Impa has sacrificed her cleanliness and found this document citing the purchase of an "E-Z-In, E-Z-Out warp pipe system!"

Samus' eyes narrowed at her reptilian arch-nemesis.

"Oh really…"

"Yeah. Uses include: Finding that lost remote, Deus Ex Machinas, secret black market transportation, baby delivering and egg implanting."

"A-Ha!"

"Curses! My plot has been foiled by a poorly written Deus Ex Machina!" Ridley fell to his knees, a common sign of despair, frustration, bleakness and general unhappiness. "Why?! Why am I too big for Smash?!"

Samus shook her head, still annoyed.

"Ridley," She started to the quickly peeing-in-sadness creature. "It's not because you're too big!"

"Actually it partly is."

Samus turned to Crazy Hand, as Ridley stuck out his tongue in an incredibly childish way.

"Giant Lizard. Dollface. We're sorry, but there is so much wrong with you, we don't even know where to begin! We gave some long, hard, sexy thought about it and we simply decided that even if you were smaller, we would have to jump through so many hoops to get you workable that we honestly think it would be impossible! We probably could do it, but you'd be so slow and so different, you'd make Ganondorf look 100% accurate! Melee Ganondorf! With Brawl Ganondorf's speed!"

Everyone shivered at that terrible thought.

Ridley stared blankly into space for quite some time. Time stood still, except for his plot train which was derailing spectacularly, much like the plot of this story was about to (if it hadn't already).

"I think I understand." Ridley simply said. "And I'm not mad."

"You're not?" Crazy Hand asked disappointed. He was so hoping to kill Ridley himself and break his pencil neck.

"No. I'M LIVID!" Ridley quickly took to the skies. A Smash battle was about to happen, much to the pleasure of everyone except Bowser.

"Now wait a second!" Bowser interjected, flames beginning to form on his mouth. "You can't battle here! You'll wreck my castle!"

"All the more reason to battle here!" Crazy Hand countered before snapping his fingers. Three black limousines burst into Bowser's back yard, destroying Bowser's handcrafted fence and raising the rate of moolah that Foreman Spike and his crew could expect to receive yet higher. Bowser silently shed a single tear.

Mocking laughter filled the air as Ridley heard a voice he never expected to hear again.

"Well, well, if it isn't little Ridley!"

One of the third limo's doors opened and out stepped, stretching high in the air as he did so, Kraid and his GANG! Ridley stared down his arch-nemesis/minion/whatever whilst everyone else tried to comprehend how exactly Kraid could fit in the vehicle.

"Kraid and his Gang? Weren't most of you dead?"

"Hu Hu Hu, funny for you to say Ridley!" Kraid laughed stupidly as his gang kinda nervously shifted. "But you won't be saying that after we knock you down a peg!" Ridley gifted Kraid with a "What are you smoking?" look.

"So you brought along that ugly thing from Brinstar Depths? Like that'll stop me! What's he gonna do? Flip my castle?" Bowser mocked, even though secretly he hoped it wouldn't.

Crazy Hand snapped his fingers again.

Out of one limo emerged, all dressed in fancy suits, were Young Link, The Ice Climbers (not that anyone could recognize them), Roy and Pichu who was resting comfortably on the General's shoulder. Out of another, Snake, Wolf and Lucus stepped out, the latter in an outfit reminiscent of the Pigmask commander. Red, Ivysaur and Squirtle suddenly started.

"Oh man! We're supposed to be over there!" Red realized. The trainer and his pokemon ran over to the Brawl rejects' side. Everyone stood stunned. Bowser raised a hand.

"Yo Wolf!" He called out. "What the heck?!"

Wolf noticed Bowser and began waving profusely.

"Hey Bowser! How's it going?! Man those Brawl years were so sweet."

"Meet our Top Men!" Crazy laughed as Master Glove floated into the yard, for once not destroying anything. "Alright boys: Let's kill the hideous lizards!"

All the other smashers watching began cheering.

Bowser turned to his son.

"Alright Junior, do you think these chumps can beat us?"

Bowser Jr. shook his head profusely.

"I thought so. Now, let's summon the team! With the Bowser Signal"

Junior saluted before jumping into his clown car. He pulled out a flashlight and began constantly blinking it in Bowser's face, much to the latter's pain.

Airship: Third Movement

"And a dash of cyanide…" Ludwig looked at his magic potion with contempt. "Now let's see how that giant beast will fare with this concoction." Ludwig turned to the window only to see his boss's insignia in the sky. "Then again, it would seem that a much more… stress relieving option is now available." Ludwig then pulled out his wand and teleported.

Within moments, the highest ranking generals of the Koopa Troop were gathered. The Koopalings, Kamek, Kammy, and Kamella stood with their magic wands poised, Boom Boom and Pom Pom were standing on top of their personal tanks, having driven through the castle wall and causing Bowser to cry again, and Dedede, Wario and Dark "Edge" (shot) Pit fell to the ground, weapons (or bike) ready. Bowser Jr. pulled on a blue bandanna and pulled out his Magic Paintbrush as Bowser Sr. pulled Samus over.

"If I go down, you're going down with me!" He shouted before turning to his army. "Koopa Troop: ATTACK!"

In response, Crazy Hand and Master Glove created Super Scopes, Laser Pistols, a few Daybreaks and a smash ball for Snake. The Ex-Smashers as well as Kraid and his goons helped themselves.

"Remember," Crazy Hand declared, "No Mercy! For Glory! Destroy The Enemy! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Master Glove fired bullets into the air.

Suddenly, Samus' Mega Ring began reacting to Ridley's Ridleynite!

"whut-"

Ridley began gaining an ominous, final smash-like hue. Then, he pulled out a beer keg filled with grape flavored Unimportantium! The sinister punch gave Ridley the energy boost he needed to transform into: Meta Ridley!

"Behold, the death of logic!"

The battle was fierce. On one side were the ex-smashers shooting out with laser rifles and Super Scopes and Daybreaks (oh my), whilst on another was Team Bowser, using magic (OOO) powers to defend themselves. Kraid and his cronies refused to give. Things got worse when Phantoon crashed the party with Crocomire and then some guy entered the fray, shooting everywhere shouting "REMEMBAH ME?!"

"Aw, is little Ridley gonna need his bottle for this one?" Kraid mocked as the flying space dinosaur tried blasting him with fire. Unfortunately for Meta Ridley, Kraid's "DEF" stat, making up for his lackluster "Swag" rating, was off the charts! He was practically invincible!

"Shut it Blubberbrain!" Meta Ridley yelled out in retaliation. "Mother Brain is so gonna punish you when she hears about this!"

"Is this normal?" Bowser asked Samus whilst watching Dark Pit eat one of Snake's rockets. Samus shook her head, missing Dedede get taken out by Flare Blade because he was busy trying to hit Pichu.

"You'd think so but no…" Samus noted thoughtfully before getting back to business as Young Link and Lucas had fun bashing Wario back and forth. "Bowser, you and your kid have a 90% swag rating, much higher than that of Ridley and Kraid. You two have to help me stop them!"

"And why should we have to clean up for your enemy's mess?" Bowser crossed his arms standing firm. Samus thought for a second before playing her ace.

"Ridley will keep living with you if you don't."

"Junior! Get your paintbrush ready! We're evicting a certain flying lizard!"

"Finally!"

Meanwhile whilst all the other Smashers were sitting back and watching the war of the century rage on, Mario suddenly showed up with his present.

"Sorry I'm-a late everybody!" Mr. Video apologized. "I was-a just looking for the perfect gift! So, who is-a the lucky man that Samus- Mama Mia!" Mario watched as his archenemy's army fought against not only the ex-smashers, but a group of mercenaries seemingly headed by Crazy Hand and a giant power glove. Mario then turned to the smashers who were simply watching without comment.

"Aren't-a any of you going to help Bowser?!" Mario asked. Everyone looked conflicted.

"On one hand, Bowser and Tiny Bowser may die…" Donkey Kong rationalized "On the other… wait, what downside is there to Bowser's trophy getting destroyed?"

"Yeah. Roy and Lucas are also on the other team, giving us more reason to support them." Ness pointed out.

Everyone began thinking of a reason to save a jerk like Bowser.

"Not cool guys!" shouted the koopa king as he held onto his son's Junior Clown Car. He made a mental note to make a list of the smashers who needed to die. You know, for Junior's sake or something.

The duo slowly made their way to where Kraid was still batting at Meta Ridley who was flying circles around the giant creep. "Hey, you! Tall, dark and ugly! Let me handle the flying rat!"

"No way! I have to pay this nerd back for what happened and how he gave Samus the cholera in high school!" Kraid rationalized.

"Didn't you die in high school too?!" Meta Ridley pointed out.

"Also, I'm not an STD" an anthropomorphic stand-in for The Cholera said from the punch bowl. Everyone looked at it, horrified. "…what?"

Bowser didn't answer but, instead, hopped onto Meta Ridley. The two reptiles vanished in a rogue dust cloud whilst THE BABY turned toward Kraid.

"Alright you butt ugly loser! Surrender now or my army and I will have to stomp you to dust!"

Kraid was unimpressed with Junior's threat.

"Hue Hue Hue! Do you think you can win this war small fry?! You're nothin' but a stupid ugly nerd!"

Junior stared blankly at Kraid as he floated towards the giant scary monster. A panel on the Junior Clown Car moved to let loose a single boxing glove on Kraid's eye. Kraid began screaming as spike platforms began jutting out of his stomach.

Back on the ground, the Koopalings noticed the stairway to Heaven that was Kraid's gut spikes.

"There, men!" Larry pointed. "King Dad has materialized a staircase for us to use to reach the enemy! Let's do this!" Larry then ran completely into one of the appearing spikes, knocking himself out. Ludwig silently picked his brother up and led the charge himself.

With the Koopalings ascending Kraid to give the bully the beatdown of his life, Bowsy hopped from his clown car and onto an unmanned Wario Bike. The owner likely would've argued had he not been currently getting beaten within an inch of his life by sticks, swords, water and really sharp leaves. Attaching his magic paintbrush to the back, Junior drove around the lawn, trailing fiery goop on the nicely made lawn.

Meanwhile, Samus was getting fed up with standing on the sidelines, waiting for the men to save the day as usual, and was just planning on climbing Kraid herself just to get a piece of that action when one of Kraid's nameless goons coughed. He appeared to be looking pointedly in the direction of a cannon.

"Hey thanks." Samus… thanked? Were you expecting something else?

"Don't mention it." The henchman said with, what appeared to be, a wink. Samus was just about to enter the barrel, something clicked. That gangmember sounded suspiciously like Kanden. Except, Kanden got corrupted by Phazon and Samus had to kill him. Samus's thoughts were interrupted however, by Mario hopping into the cannon.

"Come on Samus! We need to help Bowser!"

The duo hopped into the cannon and blasted into the sky.

Meanwhile, Bowser was busy punching Meta Ridley over and over again.

"Not the snout!" Meta Ridley begged as Bowser kept whaling on him. "Not my beautiful snout! Sigh. Look, Bowser: We're both villains right? So join me! And together, with the rest of your team, we shall rule Smash! Evil shall over run the lands, nobody will be considered 'Too Big' and we shall crush our foes, see them driven before us and hear the lamentation of their women!"

Bowser gravely shook his head. "You don't realize one little tidbit about me, Bigley: I'm not a second banana. There's only one 'Truly, Definitely, End All Be All Final Boss' and that fella's ME!"

"Hiya!"

Mario suddenly appeared, kicking Meta Ridley in the face.

"Take this!"

Samus suddenly appeared shooting rockets at Meta Ridley.

The robot dragon space pirate shrugged off both attacks quite easily. Unfortunately, Bowser noticed the distraction and the Koopa King pulled Meta Ridley into a piledriver. The Smashers and the Koopa Troop who were not busy panicking watched as the reptiles, Samus and Mario began plummeting toward the fiery graffiti, explosion imminent. Crazy Hand was giddily laughing whilst Master Glove decided that he did not want to get fried and lose more Swarm.

"BIGLEY!" Bowser shouted over the increasing din.

"F**K YOU IN HELL!" Meta Ridley detonated.

Literally.

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

"And that's how I finally entered The "Smashing Four 3" and "Smashing Four U" Tournaments!" Ridley said, chugging his milk with a sense of power.

The Yellow Devil and Metal Face clapped politely.

Ridley continued.

"Sure, I'm technically crashing their party, and I am indebted to whoever could beat me up the most, but still, I'm livin' the dream! Bowser in particular was happy for me: He couldn't stop crying!"

Everyone looked towards the "villain" Smashers table, where Bowser was still crying from learning that the hideous creature was still going to be living in his basement. Dedede had his arm around Bowser and was comforting him, Dark Pit was trying very hard to channel the stealth art that the chameleons had perfected for years on end, and Wario was drinking milk, having perfected the art of simply not caring for anyone not named Wario for years on end.

"Livin' the Dream." Ridley decided.

CREDITSLOLCREDITSLOLCREDITSLOLCREDITSLOLCREDITSLOLCREDITSLOLCREDITSLOLCREDITSLOLCREDITSLOLCREDITSLOLCREDITSLOL

*Hatch*

A Little Birdy came out of the egg!

"Ridley Jr.! You're finally born!"

END OF EPISODE

And with that, we have reached the end of Ridley. Here's to hoping later chapters of Bowser's Modern Life go better.

Anyway, I still have plenty of ideas for Bowser's Modern Life (especially now that I've decided to also spoof game mechanics in addition to eventual modes.) But I'll also work on Indiana Kirby.

Whilst I'm self plugging, I wrote a oneshot about Mega Man and Bowser Jr. (Bowser Jr. Should Make Friends) which has a crack pairing in a partially crack story. It was originally a songfic, but the "Reportable Offense" community decided that my songfic was the perfect one to flag. Rather than risk a strike, I deleted the original story (Fun fact, Google still give the link to the original story's id and has it's slightly different description) and the original can now be viewed on deviantART in all its "Cruel Angel Thesis", slight "Take That" glory. A link is available on my profile page in case you don't feel like looking it up.

Meanwhile, I do have a second crackfic oneshot with this pairing coming up in which Rock and Bowsy puzzle over love. I plan to release it by Valentine's Day, so (given my standards) it'll probably be a month from today. Here is a completely out-of-context scene from it.

Cherry Blossoms coated the battlefield. Koopa Junia came closer.

"Senpai Rockman, do you promise to help me learn this thing called…" Pause. Kuppa Juneio blushed. "Love?"

Senpai Rockman made a smirk. Such cherry. Much blossoms.

"That depends. Do you promise to learn it with me?" Senpai asked.

Kuppa Juneio looked stoic, yet kawaii. The Kouhai and Senpai embraced.

"Rockman…"

"Kuppa Junia…"

Falco felt immensely uncomfortable.

"Yeah… I'm gonna go and… beg Slippy to let me use my Arwing for my final smash. Yeah." Falco walked off the plane and fell into the abyss because he forgot that they were on the Pilotwings stage.

Next Time on Bowser's Modern Life:

"What do you mean I'm fired?!" Ganondorf yelled at his teammates who were currently shunning him.

"Listen, Ganondorf, your biggest problem isn't launching people."

"You suck at recovering to the ledge" Wario stated bluntly.

Ganondorf got furious and performed a dark dive to show everyone that he could, in fact, recover. Unfortunately for him, Wario turned on a miniature leaf blower, blowing him just far enough from the ledge for him to recover. Dragmire fell, screaming, off the cliff built next to the "antagonist" section.

Dorf Days of Bummer: Ganondorf's traitorous ways during Subspace Emissary bite him in the rear as he is kicked out of Team Bowser. As Bowser, Dedede and Wario are forced to take in Greninja, Ganondorf hangs out with Mother Brain. Meanwhile, between his fellow smashers' shunning and the looming threat of Luigi, Diddy Kong feels the sting that comes with being top tier.