A/N: Sorry this took so long but the computer needed to be fixed for a couple of days.

Bilbo Eats Beorn

Chapter 4: Two Dwarf

Bilbo grabbed a butter knife and leaped at Kili when all of a sudden (again) the doorbell rang. Bilbo ignored it and started hitting Kili with the handle of the knife.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop It! It could be the cops!" Kili yelled in pain.

"Oh shit!" Bilbo stopped hitting him and looked at the door. Then he hit Kili on the head one last time for good measure (followed by another "Ow!") then stuffed Kili in the bathroom and ran to the door.

He was about to open it when he thought. Bilbo: I shouldn't be too hasty…

Treebeard: That's a good idea.

Bilbo: What The Fuck! Who are you?! And get the fuck out of my head!

Treebeard: Sorry!

Bilbo: That was odd!

Bilbo shook his head and asked to whoever was behind the door. "Are you the Shirriff?"

"No." The voice said. Bilbo started to walk away when the voice added. "But I'm not a dwarf!"

Oh crap! It might be Gandalf! Bilbo thought worryingly. He opened the door… and saw empty air? He looked down and saw a little deformed son of a bitch standing on his porch.

"I'm a goblin!" It yelled. Bilbo took a step back scared out of his wits. "Blue!" It added running between Bilbo's legs.

"Hey! What the hell!?" Bilbo yelled flustered, trying to stop the little hyper bastard.

The little goblin knocked down a flower vase and picked up all the little pebbles in it. "Rocks!" It yelled. Then he ate them all.

"Da Fuq?!" Bilbo said inching his way backwards.

The little goblin opened up a chest and grabbed stuff from inside it. "PAPER! PEN!" It yelled looking at the objects. "I have found my DESTINY!" Then it ran out of the door, skipping singing. "Purple! Purple! Purple! Oxymoron? Non sequitur! Purple! Purple! Purple! Omelets? Non sequitur! Purple! Purple! Purple! Addition? Non sequitur!"

Bilbo just stood there for a minute his mouth hanging open. "Da Fuq?" Then he snapped back to his senses and started to close the door when someone put their foot in front of the door.

Bilbo reluctantly opened the door. The dwarf smiled and said. "Hello, I'm Fili2323!"

"Whopee!" Bilbo said dripping with sarcasm.

"Cool." Fili said not noticing the sarcasm, which of course would have suffocated him if it was solid. But that's the thing with dwarfs… they're assholes. Fili flipped out a piece of paper and a pen. He said. "So! How many autographs do you want?"

This sentence was ensued by silence only interrupted by crickets chirping, owls hooting and a random hobbit yelling. "Oh hell no! Someone stole my pie!"

"Who are you?!" Bilbo asked bluntly.

"Were you listening?! I'm Fili2323 from FanFiction!" Fili explained exasperatedly.

"From where?!" Bilbo asked, confusedly.

"From FanFiction!" Fili said again, more exasperatedly than before.

"What's that?!" Bilbo asked more confusedly then the last time he asked a question confusedly.

"You Should Know!" Fili screamed, so exasperatedly that it was more exasperatedly than the last time that he said something exasperatedly which was said more exasperatedly than the other time he said something exasperatedly.

"Why should I know?!" Bilbo asked even more confusedly than the other time he asked confusedly which was more confusedly then the other, other time he asked something confusedly.

"Because we're in a FanFiction story!" Fili said so god effing damned exasperatedly that it was said even more exasperatedly then the last time he said something exasperatedly which in turn was said more exasperatedly than the other last time that he said something exasperatedly which in of its self was said more exasperatedly than the time before this time that he said something exasperatedly which was said exasperatedly!

"Right now?!" Bilbo asked more confusedly then the last time he said something confusedly which was said more confusedly then the last time that he said something confusedly… Ah, screw that!

"YES! As we speak!" Fili yelled.

"Why are we yelling?!" Bilbo asked, whilst yelling himself!

"Because there are exclamation points and the end of all of our sentences!" Fili yelled.

"Why are they there?!" Bilbo asked yelling.

"Don't ask me! Ask the author!" Fili yelled.

"This is so confusing!" Bilbo yelled holding his head in his hands.

"NO!" Fili yelled punching Bilbo in the jaw.

Bilbo put his hand to his jaw and said. "Dude! What the hell! Just because you understand what's going on right now doesn't mean you have to punch me!"

"NO!" Fili yelled again punching Bilbo in the other jaw.

"Stop it!" Bilbo yelled.

"NO!" Fili yelled Bilbo in the jaw again.

"What's your problem?" Bilbo asked flabbergasted.

"NO!" Fili yelled (Yep! You guessed it!) punching Bilbo in the jaw.

"That's not even a coherent answer to my question!" Bilbo yelled at Fili.

Fili stood for a second contemplating. Then surprised punched Bilbo in the jaw yelling "I NO!"

"You just like screaming 'NO!' and punching people min the jaw. Am I right?"

"Yep! You're a scaredy-cat!" Fili said suddenly.

"Wait! Why am I a scaredy-cat!" Bilbo asked flustered and surprised.

"Because you have Guestaphobia!" Fili explained stoutly. (Don't ask, I'm running out of adjectives.)

"Since When?" Bilbo said salmonally.

"Since now and until you prove to me that you don't have it." Fili said graveyardily.

"How can I unprove it?" Bilbo asked toiletly. (Help!)

"By inviting 10 more guests in here." Fili said lembasly.

"Challenge accepted!" Bilbo said like that meme. (Phew! No need for an adjective there!) "As long as you stop yelling 'NO!' and punching me." Bilbo added sneakatively.

"Okay!" Fili said shaking Bilbo's hand. Then he punched Bilbo in the jaw again.

Bilbo looked menacingly at Fili and started. "Why you little…"

Then suddenly Dwalin crashed through a wall into Bag End again holding a pie in one hand and a fat bluebird in the other. He bellowed at the top of his voice. "Pie Smash!"

And then everybody screamed like a little bitch.