A/N

Marvar: Hey Cosmo, are we on for Saturday? I told you I bought a ginormous bottle of Malibu and I have a box of Thin Mints. I just need you and the deluxe copy of New Moon. What are you bringing?

Cosmogirl7481: A bottle of Kettle One vodka, candles and nipple clamps.

Marvar: Does vodka go with Thin Mints? I know the nipple clamps do.

Cosmogirl7481: Vodka goes with everything.

Marvar: I feel bad I'm not bringing any toys. Do you have more stored in your guest room?

Cosmogirl7481: My spare room is a toy-room!

Marvar: So is mine, but I don't think we're talking about the same kind of toys.

Cosmogirl7481: Do you have a swing?

Marvar: Again, I have the wrong kind.

Cosmogirl7481: I think we could make any kind of swing work for us. *winks*

* * * * *

Chapter 3 Re: Hands-on Experimentation

From: Edward Masen

To: Bella Swan

Re: Asymmetry and Anatomy

Dear Bella,

I've missed interacting with you even though it has only been one day since your last email. I seem to be thinking about you constantly. I actually made a mistake today in class writing Bradyphrenia instead of Bradypnea - what a loser, right? I kicked myself for such an elementary mistake. Do you see what you do to me?

It pleases me to know that you don't mind asymmetry in my features. While we are on the subject I will tell you that my right ear is one millimeter larger than my left (I can provide you with all of my measurements, if necessary). I hope that is still within your comfort zone of irregularity (you did say you thought crooked things are better).

I'm mortified when I think of how I spilled my drink on your lovely shirt – I'm still awaiting the dry cleaning bill, by the way. I would probably have been a .06 on the breathalyzer (still within normal range) considering my weight and the amount of alcohol, so I'm sure my perception was not skewed. My depth perception and spatial memory are quite excellent as proved by recent test results. What this means is . . . you are spectacular…I'm quite certain of this. I could wax poetic about your beauty ad infinitum.

I Googled "lite-brite" and though I can appreciate the appeal it may have to a child, in no way can your entertainment value compare to this piece of plastic. 'Kind of fun' is woefully inadequate turn of phrase. I have never been so enchanted as I was the night I spent with you.

As for the word of the day, I don't think I can continue with further usage of the Urban Dictionary. While browsing, I found that some of the words are rather filthy. . . have you heard of a "dirty Sanchez?" If you haven't (I'll assume you have not), please ignore my previous question - my sense of decorum does not permit me to include this definition. I have written a strongly-worded letter to the Webmaster to alert him or her of such depravity.

I also Googled "Bridget Jones" because I have not seen this movie nor read the book. Is this one of the books you would like to read to me? I would gladly endure that just to spend the time with you. Especially since you like me. . . the way I am. I've never had that kind of acceptance, except from my family.

I don't know much about coffee houses or pseudo-poets, since I have a hypersensitivity to caffeine and can't hang out due to my school and hospital schedule. I do like poetry, however. Maybe we can read some of my favorites under that tree. I hope that doesn't make me a douche-bag (Emmett called me that when I told him about 'Bella Boo'). I must admit I've had some dreams about you, me, and a book under this tree.

So, this situation where I'd like to hear you curse. . . I can't describe it, but I hope to show you in person – soon. Repeatedly. You won't be able to remember any other words except for profanity and my name (I hope that wasn't too forward – but you asked). And yes, I'm preparing but it is all mental, except for all of the sit-ups I've been doing. In case I haven't been clear – all I want is you.

Bella, I have an excellent grasp of female anatomy. . .from textbooks. But feel free to tutor me on the subject. I am excellent at hands-on experiments (This is my attempt at flirting). I did notice that you are particularly fascinated with "wetness." I don't know what to say. . .I think my meaning and yours are not the same. I know the clinical explanation, but the reality is . . . amazing. I don't think I've spurred that reaction in a woman before. But it makes me fucking hot to know that I can do this to you (Pardon my language, but you said you don't mind cursing and this is the most precise word choice).

Bella, I can't wait to have another chance to see you. There are so many things I want to do . . . and say.

In answer to your question, I plan to be a surgeon.

My question to you is: What do you plan to do with your degree?

Curious and captivated,

Edward (Masen)

* * * * *

From: Bella Swan

To: Edward Masen

Re: Sweet and Dirty

Dear Edward,

I cannot tell you how happy I was to receive your email tonight. I had a terribly long day and this was the perfect way to end it. You should also know that I am writing you while I'm in bed. I know that you disapprove of this, but I assure you that it shouldn't affect my posture (much). I should also tell you that I'm eating crackers. You probably never eat in bed. Oh, god. Please don't take that the wrong way. I'm sure that there are some things that you would eat in bed. (At least, I hope so.) Anyway, I like the idea of writing to you while I'm in bed…the idea that 'talking' to you would be the last thing I do before I go to sleep. Do you think about me before you go to sleep, Edward?

I'm sorry that your thoughts of me caused you to make a mistake in class. I don't know what Bradyphrenia and Bradypnea even are. (You should know that I had to copy and paste those words.) I'm not sure I would call that an elementary mistake. An elementary mistake would be more like not knowing the difference between their, there and they're. That shit pisses me off! By the way, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot give up cursing altogether. You wouldn't believe how hard that is. Giving up cursing, I mean. I am trying to stay away from fuck, though. (As much as possible.) Anyway…so many people really don't know the difference between those words. It's more than a little frustrating.

Truly, Edward, your 'features' were perfect. How can you not see that? I was enamored by the green of your eyes and the sharp, angular lines of your face. I didn't really pay attention to your ears. But, I must tell you…I don't really care if one of them is bigger. I only care about which one you would possibly like me to whisper into. Maybe something sweet…or possibly something a little more dirty than sweet? You tell me, Edward. Would you like me to whisper in your ear? On a separate but completely relatable note: (And also female anatomy lesson # 2) Most women's breasts vary in size and shape. I don't know if you have learned that from a textbook, but I am quite certain that no textbook ever taught you that my right breast is slightly bigger than my left. Or that my left nipple tends to be more sensitive. (It's really obvious when it's cold.)

I cannot tell you what it does to me when you tell me that I'm enchanting and beautiful. Once again, you've caused me to blush. And I can pretty much assure you that my blush extends from my cheeks all the way down to my breasts. I can tell you this because I am wearing a low cut tank top…and, by the way, it's also a little chilly. (I hope you don't mind that visual.) I actually visualize you all the time. I have a very lucid memory of you from our night together…even though I was drunk.

I'm not surprised to hear that you are giving up using the Urban Dictionary. To be quite honest, it didn't really seem like you to begin with. I'm glad that you've come to this decision. I want you to feel free to be yourself. Because I like you…not you trying to be someone other than who you are. Besides, I really wasn't all the crazy about 'Bella Boo' either. (I wouldn't call you a douche-bag for that, though. Are you sure that this Emmett is a good friend?) I could only hear Yogi Bear in my head whenever I read (and re-read) your email. Yogi Bear is not sexy, Edward…you are. I don't know what a 'dirty Sanchez' is…but based on the name alone, I'm not sure that I would want to. It sounds gross. Does it have something to do with your butt?

I didn't really think you would have read Bridget Jones. It was a stretch considering that you found the Bronte sisters merely 'entertaining'. I'm guessing that you are not a fan of chick-lit. It's kind of funny when you think about it. I'm all about chick-lit. It's sort of my life right now. So, to answer your question: I'm not sure what I want to do with my education. I bounce back and forth. Sometimes I think that I would like to be a professor, but other times, I think I might like to try to be writer. I haven't ever written anything that's any good. I did try to write fan-fiction once about Pride and Prejudice, but I couldn't bring myself to have Elizabeth Bennet say words like 'cock' or Mr. Darcy to say words like 'pussy.' (Apparently, all people who read fan-fiction only want to read about sex.) It just seemed too wrong on so many levels. Anyway, it only got like two reviews (One was from a thirteen year old girl) and I ended up taking the story down. So, yeah…I don't know if I'll ever be a writer.

I was rather hoping you'd be a little more descriptive about where you would like to hear me curse. I mean, I'm all for hands-on experimentation, but seeing as how we live across the country from each other…I'm not sure if 'hands-on' is really going to work for us right now. You were big, Edward, but not that big. I like the idea that I would be rendered to a state of only remembering your name…I like even more that you are confident enough to think that you could make that happen. (I assure you, you could.) Also, I'm really not sure why you are working on your abs. They were perfect…just like you.

My next question: Is there something that you would have had me do differently…you know, on that night?

Enamored and Excited,

Bella

P.S.

Edward, I'm glad you thought what I said was 'fucking' hot. I was hoping that you would.

***************

EPOV

"So what's up with you and your Boo?" Emmett asks, barely concealing his derision as he spots me in the gym. "I can't believe you called her that," he says and snorts with laughter. "What a douche-bag."

"She thought it was sweet. At least she appreciated the sentiment behind it." I defend myself while sitting up and wiping the sweat from my face and neck. My new exercise regime certainly was rigorous thanks to Emmett. As a former athlete, his knowledge of weight training is paying dividends for me in increased strength and stamina. And I need to be prepared for my next encounter with Bella. I'm not going to fail to pleasure her this time.

I have been working on my body since Jessica dumped me for being "less than manly" and not good in bed. Well, to be truthful, she called me a pussy and a lousy fuck. I was trying to be tactful while explaining. It's caused me to take a look at myself - to see a skinny lab rat that cared about nothing except school. I never put any effort into that relationship and was not really sad that it ended. I am actually thankful to her for opening my eyes to my shortcomings. Now I was putting my plan to action - and I am excellent at planning. Emmett calls it 'Operation Studward.' How embarrassing.

But it has produced results. (ie. Bella. Sex. Miami.)

He's basically giving me a make-over. Emmett is quite agreeable about the whole process, only making fun of me once when I questioned the need for a haircut that makes me look like I've just participated in a sexual tryst. He claims 'sex hair' makes women drop their panties. That seems rather unsanitary, but I don't say that.

"Let's do the crunches off the incline bench, Edward. Your abs are starting to look good."

"Yes, my rectus abdominis muscles are more defined. I need to work on my transverse abdominis, however." Emmett looks at me blankly.

I lift up my shirt to show him what I'm talking about. I run my hand over the muscles in question as I speak.

"See. Right here is where I need some more work."

Emmett guffaws, "Oh, Eddie. This is working like gangbusters. That girl on the treadmill is losing her shit over you."

I glance over at the girl who does look like she's taken a euphoria-inducing substance. Should I call the authorities?

"What did I do?"

"Well, you were fondling your sweaty abdomen and tracing the 'v' into your shorts."

"So?"

He talks to me like he's telling me a secret - lowering his voice and leaning toward me. "Edward, because I'm so secure in my manhood, I have no qualms in saying you are a fucking hot-looking guy. Chicks are going to want to hit that, hard, my friend. Who knew it would only take a haircut, contacts, and a few sit-ups?"

I scoff at his ridiculous comments. He can't be serious. No girls ever like me. I am always too young, too geeky, too reserved. That's why I was with Jessica - she was the only girl to ever pay attention to me.

"Be serious, Emmett."

"Dude, what's the one thing I know better than engineering? Women. She wants to take a bite out of your 'v' and lick the happy trail." I stare at him in disbelief. "Listen, pull off your shirt slowly and pour some of your water over your head. Let it run down your chest, and then wipe it with your shirt. Look at her while you do it. Give her a dose of those green eyes."

"I can't do that, Emmett," I answer, clearly embarrassed.

"Edward, it's an experiment. I formulated a hypothesis. I need to test it," he reassures me, clearly knowing how to manipulate me using my weakness for scientific studies.

I can't help but do exactly as he says, even licking my lips for good measure (Bella seemed to enjoy when I did that). I take off my shirt. . . God, this is mortifying. . . she's staring in shock, awe? . . there goes the water . . .she seems to have trouble breathing . . . I stroke the excess water off my body. . . and she freezes and falls off the treadmill. I am wondering if I should examine her for injuries as Emmett fist bumps me.

"Welcome to the club."

It only took 24 years for me to become attractive to the opposite sex.

***************

BPOV

I read his email one more time after I hit the send button. I sigh dreamily and pray that I didn't say anything too humiliating. I don't know what it is about him that makes me lose all control of my filter. And we're not even talking. I am telling him these things in an email. I have to think about what I'm saying. I've never been so forward with a man in my whole life. My mind drifts off as I think of some of the wonderful, romantic and sweet things he's said. My train of thought is interrupted as the door to my bedroom is pushed open.

"Christ, you're up late!" Rosalie exclaims as she walks into my bedroom…without knocking…again.

"Don't you ever knock?" I ask, trying to be irritated, but I can't because I've just read and responded to Edward's email. "What if I was masturbating?"

"Well, then," she says, smiling wickedly. "I'd ask if I could watch. You know I think that's hot."

I roll my eyes, but can't help laughing. Rose is nothing, if not completely honest and horny. I close my laptop and her eyebrow arches as she gives me a questioning look.

"What?" I ask, hoping she doesn't press me for information.

"Were you looking at porn, Bella?" she asks, laughing. "Because if you were…I'll happily take my tired ass to bed and let you get back to it."

"No," I say, rolling my eyes. "I was not looking at porn."

I am secretly mortified that she seems to know that I look at porn. I mean, who doesn't look at porn, though? It's natural and healthy. Besides, I'm visually stimulated.

"Well, then," she says. "What's with all the secrecy? You wouldn't close your laptop if you were writing a paper."

I look at her, trying to assess the situation. I could try to lie, but she would know I was lying immediately. It would be nice to talk to her about this thing I have with Edward. I'm not sure what it is, but it is…something.

"Do you remember the last night we were in Miami on Spring Break?" I ask.

"Vaguely." She retorts dryly. "I was pretty, fucking drunk. I do remember you disappearing for an extended period of time and leaving me in the bar to fend off jack-asses."

I shift uncomfortably, wondering what she's going to think when I tell her about this. Rose drops down on my bed and turns to face me, propping her head up on her hand.

"So, umm…do you remember that guy?" I start. "You know…the umm…the one you thought was gay?" I cringe as I say the last word.

"The pretty boy?" she asks. "Yeah…why?"

"Well...so, yeah…turns out he's not…gay."

I feel my face flush as Rose's eyes grow wide.

"You hooked up with Clay Aiken?" she asks, shocked and then pushes me hard with the palm of her hand for punctuation.

"Shut the fuck up, Rose!" I fume. "And he's not Clay Aiken!"

"Whatever," she says, brushing me off. "He has red hair and he was totally gay, Bella! You hooked up with him? Seriously?"

"Yeah," I tell her. "But that's not what I want to talk to you about."

"What do you want to talk about if it's not that?"

"Well, umm…we've sort of been…well, emailing each other."

"Like emailing…or like tweeting or texting?"

"No…emailing," I explain to her. "It's like we're writing letters."

She looks at me, obviously perplexed by what I've told her. I know she won't understand because she has never had any problem with the opposite sex. In fact, I've never known Rose to be without male attention in the almost five years that I've known her. She is my best friend in the world and though we have much in common, we are vastly different in certain areas. This area just happens to be one of them.

"Why would you email when you could just call each other?"

"I don't know how to explain it," I tell her honestly. "It feels like we're more open with each other in the emails. Plus, I think he's pretty shy and reserved and this might be easier for him and I really do like the emails."

"Do you like him, Bella?"

I look at her and I don't care if she thinks I'm crazy.

"I really do," I say. "I like him a lot."

"Well, Bella…I think you should do what feels good." She winks and smiles at me. "Did it feel good?"

I blush and then grin at her.

"It felt so good."

"Well, good for you," she says, giving me a fist-bump before she gets out of my bed.

She walks across the room and I stop her before she leaves.

"I think it's funny that we were both there on Spring Break with our best friends. Did you happen to meet his friend Emmett that night? He was the big guy that you originally pointed out to me."

She stops dead in her tracks before turning around to look at me.

"That guy, Emmett, is his best friend?" she asks, shock crossing her perfect features. "He's a fucking asshole!"

***************

A/N

Reviews get a copy of Edward's strongly worded letter to the Webmaster "in their box."

Marvar: So, how did that SR thing work out?

Cosmogirl7481: Well, he didn't suck my elbow or do anything with me slowly by the fire…but he was really busy giving Bella three orgasms on her first time. We also didn't have our foursome with Caren and Kassiah.

Marvar: No wonder I'm all tense.

Cosmogirl7481: Caren had jury-duty. Maybe we can do it this week?

Marvar: Spring Break is in one week. I'll have plenty of time then.

Cosmogirl7481: Some of that time has to be set aside for just the two of us, you know.

Marvar: Yes, we need some alone time.

Cosmogirl7481: Yeah…because I never spend any time with you. *giggles*

Marvar: Yes, we barely talk at all. *snorts*

Cosmogirl7481: Who said we would be talking?

Marvar: The dirty talk gets me in the mood.

Cosmogirl7481: So, what you're saying is…you're always in the mood?

Marvar: When I'm talking to you. *flirts*

Cosmogirl7481: I'm finished with flirting. *fucks*

Marvar: Damn, baby!

Cosmogirl7481: I like it when you call me baby!

Marvar: I like it when you say fuck.

Seriously…thank you so much for the overwhelming love that you have given us for this story! We swear…we would be doing this anyway, but it is wonderful to know that there are others out there that appreciate our vocabulary-loving and seriously, dirty minds!

Come play with us on the Twilighted thread! We post teasers there and on The Fictionators' "Teaser Monday."

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cosmogirl7481 & marvar29