The Adventures Of Fred Smith
The Museum Of Ridiculous Technology
OR
How Fred Got His Lucky Tabby Print Bow Tie
Fred had a whole row to himself on the shuttle's return trip from Amerind. This was mostly because the crew, knowing who they were transporting, wrapped him in bubble wrap then they blocked up the end of the row of seats and filled it up to Fred's neck with specially replicated packing peanuts large enough to prevent choking. The crew had failed to take this latter precaution initially. They were delayed nearly a day so so that the doctors could pick packing peanuts out of Fred's esophagus.
Kadik sat across the isle in a Kevlar reinforced uniform. (Yes, Kadik's reputation proceeded him as well.) "Hey Fred, how did you get your lucky bow tie anyway?"
Fred grinned knowingly. He had never told anyone this story and he wasn't about to now. After all, he had been sworn to secrecy.
Fred's thoughts turned back to that day so many years ago on that seventh grade field trip. Field trips for a highly impressionable thirteen year old Fred Smith had always been a bit of a mixed bag. Take for example the last two. (Well the last two he was conscious for anyway.) The first, six months previously, had been to the dirigible factory on the Lothra home world. Due to an unfortunate set of circumstances, his safety suit was currently filling in for the Goodyear blimp while that was down for repairs. The safety suit never did shrink back. The second field trip three months later was to a tar refinery coincidentally located next to a feather pillow factory. Fred's only spare safety suit is still being cleaned. This time was to some boring old museum. He was out of safety suits but what could possibly go wrong at a museum?
A huge red banner was strung across the enormous Gothic structure of the museum. Fred read the banner as a teacher and the transport driver worked to remove the malfunctioning access gate off his legs. "A history of Caitan space travel." Fred frowned, "Nothing interesting ever came from Cait." After an hour being checked our by EMS Fred trudged into the building to join his class mates, determined to be bored.
Fred stopped only briefly at the exhibit of early Caitian warp drive systems. He was admittedly impressed that they had been able to achieve warp at all with engines built from random bits if string, super bounce balls and things that go "boioioioioioioioing."
"Come on Fred, you're falling behind!" He heard one of his instructors shout from the main exhibit. Fred was starting to get more curious about the main exhibit, a fully working Pinball Wizard drive. It seemed that Caitian scientists discovered a highly under-utilized piece of Earth tech and adapted it to there own needs with extraordinary affect. Not only had they achieved greater speed but was the first drive they developed that could achieve the infamous time warp.
Fred took a short cut through the Shiny Things exhibit where he came to a screeching halt. There before him was a part of an exhibit that had fallen off its rack and onto the floor. Fred picked it up. "Huh, looks like an old earth coin, I will have to turn it in to the curator." He said feeling quite responsible. He ran boldly holding the shiny coin in his out-stretched hand from the exhibit. No sooner had he entered the next room than he found himself blinded as a beam from the laser pointer exhibit bounced off the coin and straight into Fred's eyes.
Being blinded was nothing new to Fred ever since he played the part of the disco ball in his school's production of Saturday Night Fever. He knew that as long as he took his time and was careful he would be fine. "Fred Smith, if you don't quit dawdling and catch up with the class your getting an "F" for the day!" Fred ran.
Fred ran into stone columns, Fred ran into a scale model of the universe and Fred ran into the gift shop (CRASH!). It was about this time that the security guards started after him. The shouting of the guards on their armored attack Segways and the blasting of the sirens made all of this much more disorienting. Fred would have stopped right then in, but he really really didn't want to get that "F".
He figured he must be getting close to his class, he could hear the tour guide, a young gray tabby holographic Caition woman with green eyes, explaining in a lively tone, "The Pinball Wizard drive was first used in the Caition space late in 1983..."
Fred had eventually caught up to his class who had parted like the Red Sea at his approach, (They knew better than to get in the way of Fred hurting himself) allowing him to blow through. Fred was half way through saying, "I found this coin on the..." when he tripped over the velvet rope. Two things happened almost at once. First, the coin flew out of Fred's hand and across the exhibit, landing neatly in the coin slot of the Pinball Wizard drive; a moment later Fred collided with the machine. Nothing happened. Fred stood, not only blind but now dazed as well.
"Step away from from the machine." The angry man said. Fred looked at the machine and wondered if his vision was coming back or not, all he could see were pretty flashing lights. The angry man kept shouting. "I said step away from the machine!" Fred figured he should comply especially since he was getting a vague outline of the angry man who appeared to be wearing a security uniform. Fred tried to take a step but was stopped. He tried again but with the same result. His belt seemed to be caught on something, he gave it a good yank pulling it free, releasing the extended launch plunger. The Pinball Wizard drive dinged and and thumped as it powered up, then as it reached an ear shattering pitch and blinding light show it vanished taking Fred with it.
The in flight movie snapped Fred's thoughts back to the here and now. It was the latest Stupendous Man movie, Stupendous Man vs. The Conspirator.
...Meanwhile, in The Conspirators secret lair deep in an under ground car park somewhere in Washington D.C. "Justin Bieber is the is the love child of Adolf Hitler's clone and the Countess Elizabeth Báthory de Ecsed of Hungary." The Conspirator said a matter-of-fact to the man chained to the wall, pulling down his fedora and hiding his eyes in deeper shadow.
The man stared back at him defiantly. "How can that be true? There was like three hundred years between Hitler and The Blood Countess, let alone they were both being dead long before Bieber was even born."
The Conspirator looked back at him tugging on the collar of his trench coat and said, "Time traveling aliens arranged the hole thing". The man chained to the wall slumped in defeat. The Conspirator had him now, he would very soon have a inside man in every organization in the world, just like he now had one in this man, the manager of his local Denny's restaurant.
Fred Smith and Fred Smith will return in...
Time Traveler Extraordinaire