Toshiro wanted to reach out, desperately wanted to reach out but the more he thought about it the more he found he struggled. What did he say without it coming across like he knew something had happened? What if she figured it out in his language or the way he mentioned something, could he casually ask how she was? Would she want to talk about it? Toshiro sat and debated for a while, trying to work out what he'd say. He had to trust he could do this objectively and he knew that Ichigo hadn't told her, the Strawberry had not made it seem that Rangiku had figured out Toshiro's identity.

Mr Hyorinmaru 10:12am

How is everything going?

Matsumoto 10:15am

That depends, is the T in T.H. for Tosh?

He stared at the word on the screen for a very, very long time, panic rising in his chest and the same sensation of bile rising in the back of his throat. It hadn't really crossed his mind that she'd have worked out who he was by him throwing wine all over Gin. Of course Ichigo had shouted his name out but of course Ichigo would have said to him if Rangiku had clicked onto the fact it was him... surely? Surely? They'd been in the same room last night.

He was freaking out, he could feel his chest rising and falling, did she see him? Did she know what he looked like now? He needed to know but... but he didn't at the same time.

Hesitantly he reached out with shaking fingers and began to type.

Mr Hyorinamru 10:18am

That um, would be correct.

He couldn't lie, it felt wrong. He had promised to protect her he wasn't going to lie... he couldn't. He just couldn't do that to her.

Matsumoto 10:20am

Well then you know how things are going.

Brilliant wine toss, btw

Matsumoto 10:21am

Thanks

Toshiro calmed a little at the next message, he was still visibly stressed wondering if she'd seen him but the fact that she wasn't pushing the topic made him feel better. He grinned at the thought of the wine toss and had to scoff a little to himself.

Mr Hyorinmaru 10:21am:

Thanks, I wasn't planning on doing anything, just keeping an eye on Gin, but when he... well yeah I had to intervene. I'm sorry if any wine got on you or you got hurt in anyway it all happened so fast.

He took a deep breath and exhaled. Did he just outright ask? Was his identity still hidden? He sat for a minute, writing a message and then retracting it, writing it and retracting it. He had to know, it was eating him up inside.

Mr Hyorinmaru 10:23am:

So you've seen me?

Matsumoto 10:24am

I wish. I'm still trying to remember what happened tbh. Everything happened so fast.

Mr Hyorinmaru 10:25am:

Well that's good. It's probably not an event you want to remember.

He sighed with relief, she hadn't seen him and she seemed fine that he'd been there. This was going better than he'd expected, she'd have mentioned sooner if she'd worked out it was him or she'd seen him. He felt his heart rate slowing down to a more manageable level as he peered out the hotel window. They were meant to be working on their cosplay for the next day but this had to be dealt with before he could focus, he turned back towards the bed where his costume was sat, he just needed to work out what to do with his hair.

Pleased that Rangiku wouldn't lie about seeing him, he stood up and examined his hair in the mirror, maybe a haircut would make things a little easier to work with?

Matsumoto 10:29am

Hmm well I'm done thinking about Gin. Hit me with a new topic: what are you doing today? I assume you haven't escaped the country yet.

He was staring at a picture of the Joker frowning when his Skype let off another notification, he glanced at the screen for a moment before glancing back at the mirror. The great thing about having white hair was that dying it any colour came easily, though he'd only use temporary dyes most of the time. Yukio had found fantastic dyes that acted like shampoos and you out it in and run a brush through it, very clever were the people in the hair dying industry.

Nerves mostly squashed he turned his attention back to his computer.

Mr Hyorinmaru 10:34am

No not yet, I'm attending an event tomorrow so most of today is preparation for that.

He was sure there may have been an alternative point to her message, that maybe she wanted to meet. After all you only asked someone what they were doing because you wanted to fill a bit of their time with something yourself. However that would be illogical, she knew that he kept himself hidden. Unless she thought that him being so close to protect her was his way of saying he wanted to meet?

He quickly pushed the thoughts from his mind but he felt the steady return of his nerves as he waited for her to reply.

Matsumoto 10:35am

Oh? Which event? Ichigo and I are going sightseeing today (work related, of course). I've heard the view from the top of the Empire State Building is just wonderful, especially at sunset. Have you been up there before?

The message came through and he winced, of course she'd ask after the event. He hesitated, there were two conventions running this time, one was an anime convention and one was a gaming convention, it would be too obvious as to which he was attending if he said a convention. He privately cursed himself for being so open with her before, she'd maybe work it out considering he'd mentioned his convention doings in other chats. Alas, he also didn't want to lie... but if he outright denied her the information then it would likely upset her. It was clear she was now trying to meet... or maybe see him.

He glanced over at his Joker cosplay and felt his face heat up.

No way, she wasn't seeing him look so ridiculous. Not in a million years.

He decided to be as honest as he could.

Mr Hyorinmaru 10:38am:

I'd tell you but I'm then worried you'll find me. I want to be clear, I came to keep an eye on you, to protect you but my intention was to never have you see me.

Not that I'd ever have stood by and watch Gin do what he was about to do without intervening, Ichigo there or not. Going back, I'd do what I did over and over again even if you did spot me.

He hesitated, his fingers away from the keys for a moment as he quickly re read what he'd typed.

Mr Hyorinmaru 10:39am:

But that being said, you didn't see me and I don't have any intention of changing that. I still wish to remain hidden. I'm sorry, I hope you understand?

He hit enter and hoped...

Five minutes passed…

Ten minutes passed…

He started to freak out.

Then…

Matsumoto 11:01am

Yes, I understand.

The message did nothing to quell his concerns. Instead they only intensified, he stared at his Skype screen and felt his heart clench in his chest. She was angry with him and he wasn't really sure what to do.

He didn't want to ask Yukio because his methods weren't what he was going for and he didn't really want to bring Rukia into this. He did the only thing he knew; he Googled it.

'What to do when a girl is mad at you.'

He tossed it into Google and read the top searches. The advice seemed to be to apologise, but he technically already had, there would be no point in doing that again.

Write an apology letter? Cute, but somehow he didn't think that seeing his slanted sloppy handwriting would help the situation.

Tell her you love her, was the next great suggestion and he felt his cheeks heat up. No definitely not, not now or ever, she'd likely laugh at him. Well okay maybe he knew enough about her that she wouldn't laugh at him, she'd likely acknowledge his feelings and then gently let him down. She'd just encountered her ex-boss who had raped her and tried his luck again. She didn't want to date another CEO who thought she was pretty, especially not someone like him.

He wasn't anything like Gin and he knew she knew that but he was hardly the kind of image one would have of a 'man'. He wasn't tall, he could provide sure but he wasn't a 'protector.' Despite him taking some self-defence lessons for the very reason of him carrying around a lot of money and being a prime target because of his height and weak appearance, it didn't help him here.

Rangiku was stunning, tall, she deserved the best. Better than him and he knew it.

There was no point in pursuing something that wasn't going to go anywhere, it was time to protect himself. Seeing her was hard enough, she was so pretty and he wanted to be with her so bad, it made things harder.

He sat with his head in his hands for a moment before he glanced back up at the screen, it said to give her space and time next. Maybe that was good idea, maybe they both needed some time apart? He could throw himself into the cosplay for tomorrow, but that would only take up so much of his time. He sighed and began to work his way through his emails. He took a few calls and ignored the invite to go out to dinner with Yukio and Rukia, making up the excuse he had to work. Instead he found himself doing a mini workout in his hotel room just to try and work off some of the horrible emotions that were welling up inside him.

He hated this. He hated that he'd made her angry and he couldn't fix it. He hated that he cared about her so much and he couldn't even stand a chance. He hated it all.

By the time he fell asleep that night he was restlessly tossing and turning, different scenarios and ideas playing out in his head. He could send her flowers to apologise? Was that cheesy? He was already doing that…

It felt like his restless mind was doing everything in its power to stop him sleeping properly, meaning that as soon as his alarm went off he could add sleep deprived to his list of annoyances; hunger and heartbroken being the other two.

He sighed and knocked off his alarm, it was ridiculously early because of how long it would take him to get changed. He heard a knock at his door and groaned.

'Let me in Toshiro, this stuff looks weird to be carrying around outside,' Yukio hissed and Toshiro grinned. It felt weird on his face; but his best friend had a natural way of drawing it out. He walked over to the door and opened it.

When they'd spoken about going as Black Butler characters, Yukio had been forced to cosplay this time. He wasn't overly happy with it, given the character of Alois Trancy wore stockings. Toshiro was happy, if he had to look ridiculous the least they could do was do it together. Rukia followed almost immediately after, her cosplay of Ciel Phantomhive tucked into bags.

It gave Toshiro the distraction he needed, between getting their hair dyed and trying to help Yukio into a pair of stockings with low cut shorts that showed off a little more than Rukia had been prepared to see, he was able to push Rangiku from his thoughts.

'This bow is ridiculous,' Yukio scowled at himself in the mirror, Toshiro smirked. He had to wear one as well but thankfully his tied into his whole ridiculous outfit.

'Yes it is, not as ridiculous as those stockings though,' Toshiro muttered, 'actually you'd make a good cross dresser.'

'I will hurt you,' Yukio hissed at him.

Rukia was able to help Toshiro with his eye makeup, darkening his eyes after he popped his contacts in then painting the teardrop down his face. The blue makeup stood out beautifully against his white skin and the subtle off ginger colour of his hair.

By the time the three of them were ready even Toshiro had to admit they looked good. It had taken them nearly two hours to get fully ready, next to costume malfunctions, hair issues and accessories the biggest pain for Toshiro had to be the extensive amount of fake ear piercings he had to put in. Then he and Rukia had sat for a good forty minutes while she painted his right hand to resemble a skeletons hand.

They snapped a couple of images and Toshiro was actually debating adding it to his pin board on the plane, given that right now he looked nothing at all like his usual self so no one would really know. Then they were making their way down to the reception of the hotel, only receiving a few funny looks from other guests. The staff didn't bat an eyelid for they were not the only group dressed up for the convention. Actually by the time they got down to the lobby there were several groups of cosplayers all talking animatedly about the conventions, the two were local and some apparently had tickets for both, hitting one for one half of the day and the other the other half of the day.

They piled into a taxi and the taxi was soon off taking them to their venue. Thanks to Yukio they got priority entry through the back of the venue, the same way as the stalls and other guests would. It gave Rukia and Toshiro a chance to see the place before it became completely mobbed with people.

As Yukio was taken away for a briefing of the day including his time table, Toshiro and Rukia went around to scope out the event. The massive hall stretched out the size of two football pitches, with a high rise roof and several air cooling units that the cosplayers would be incredibly thankful for. The entire place had rolled in carpets stuck down with tape over the harsh slated flooring and the more popular stalls had their own signs hanging down from the ceiling.

The duo skilfully avoided their own stall set up in the arena, not that anyone would recognise them in the cosplay but Rukia made a frequent back at the company and so they'd likely know her voice. Unlike Toshiro who's voice sounded very little to his Skype voice. Actually in real life, his voice didn't sound as deep, but they avoided it anyway. They briefly checked out the Game Station stall as it was being set up and went to help a girl from the Artists Alley who was having difficulties with some branding boards.

Soon Yukio caught back up to them and explained his time table.

It seemed he had most of the morning off which was great, hardly anyone would recognise him and no one would be expecting him to cosplay, then he was going to have to do a panel with other gaming youtuber's in full cosplay which just made Toshiro so happy. That was followed up by three hours' worth of pictures and autographs which he'd likely have to remove the cosplay to do considering he didn't much look like himself but they'd apparently get a feel for it at the panel because Yukio never dressed up and his fans may like it and want a photo that way.

Happy with the schedule the three decided to go and grab a quick bite to eat. Toshiro managed to eat an entire sandwich before his stomach started bubbling uncomfortably.

'Remember what the doctor said?' Rukia muttered as Toshiro put down the muffin he'd bought too.

'Yes I know,' Toshiro hung his head a little.

He was technically still growing. When he went to visit the family doctor she'd measured him and he was still growing. She'd put it down to a lack of real nutrition and stress from work as to why the process was lasting so long.

'You're always complaining about your height,' Rukia muttered to him, 'but you can fix it if you just eat a little more.'

'We're worried about you Tosh,' Yukio muttered leaning across the table towards him, 'Rukia thinks you have an eating disorder.'

Toshiro scowled at her and she scowled back at Yukio.

'Shut up Yukio, you didn't need to out me like that.'

'I don't Rukia,' Toshiro sighed and the young Ciel glared at him.

'Can you blame me? You don't eat with us anymore, we don't even see you getting room service, you've lost a lot of weight Toshiro it's unhealthy and you were never exactly the beastly man before all this started happening. Just, talk to us?' she asked in a voice so sincere.

Toshiro glanced to Yukio who raised his eyebrows at him.

'I will,' he said unwrapping his muffin to get her off his back, 'when I'm ready.'

'Okay,' she breathed a sigh of relief and sat back as Toshiro began to pick at the muffin. They turned the conversation onto a happier topic and Toshiro was glad as he was sitting there trying not to feel incredibly guilty that his stupid little broken heart and bruised ego had led his friends to believing he had an eating disorder.

Once finished with food they were happily enveloped in a sea of other cosplayers, everyone cosplaying anime to gaming characters to comic book heros and back again. It was a delight and Toshiro found himself smiling, posing for pictures with other con goers and taking a few pictures himself of the more extravagant outfits. Some people really went all out at these events and for this day today he could be someone other than himself.

They found a few other cosplayers who were dressed as Black Butler characters including a Sebastian; accent and all. They took a few pictures together and moved on. The entire time Yukio wasn't recognised just because of a simple change in hair colour and contact lenses.

'This must be what it feels like to be normal.' He hissed after another forty minutes of walking around the gaming centre. 'I don't like it.'

They sat and watched an interview with one of the voice actors for Overwatch and tried their best to keep Yukio from beating ten year olds on the latest Mario Kart game that was out for demo at the event.

Soon duty called and they walked into one of the panel rooms. This was different though, instead of being rows and rows of just seats, there were seats and tables down the front and towards the back higher up were just rows of seats, like an oddly presented theatre room. Toshiro and Rukia quickly took up a table at the back left corner and watched as everyone filtered into the room. There were so many bodies and soon the room was mostly full except for a few spare seats at the back. The panel began and a few big name gaming youtubers came out, the only two to get any noticeable applause though were Yukio and Jacksepticeye. It was weird watching Yukio be star struck.

'So I know it was a last minute change, unfortunately James Nintendo Nerd wasn't able to make the panel today,' the host (who was dressed like Captain America) said. 'However Sean also known as Jacksepticeye was in tour here in New York City and we managed to grab him.'

Yukios face was priceless and Rukia and Toshiro laughed.

They laughed because Yukio was meeting Sean, an inspiration of his for years, in stockings.

It was the best thing ever and Toshiro sat with a massive grin on his face for the next fifty minutes of the panel. None of the other panel members were dressed up and Yukio just looked ridiculous on stage. Eventually the question section came and of course, naturally people directed questions to Yukio.

'Are you cosplaying as Alois from Black Butler?' a keen fan asked and Yukio sighed.

'Yes, my friends' idea of a joke, but they look just as ridiculous as I do,' he said it and fired a look their way. Rukia and Toshiro gave little condescending waves and Yukio stuck his middle finger up at them.

Toshiro could make this worse, he could make this way, way worse. He stuck his hand in the air for a question and was quite pleased when he was picked. Yukio's face looked drained of colour when he spotted who the microphone had been given to.

'My question is for Sean,' Toshiro said cheerfully.

'Stand up, we can't see you,' Yukio teased at him and Toshiro resisted sticking his finger up at his best friend because what he was about to do was so much better. He did stand though and Sean smiled over at him as if only now recognising where the voice was coming from.

'Sean, Yukio is a huge fan of yours, massive in fact I do believe you're on his list of men he'd turn gay for.'

Yukio was literally dying in his seat and Toshiro loved it.

'So my question is what do you think of his stockings?' he asked and handed the microphone back to the staff member. The audience were laughing hysterically and Toshiro couldn't get his phone out quick enough to capture the blush on Yukio's face. He only hoped someone at the front had filmed it for youtube and he'd be able to find the clip and play it over and over and over again.

'Well I must admit I am a little turned on by the stockings,' Sean said with a very good natured wink in Yukio's direction. 'Though I'm not really into blonds, more a brunette guy but I'd love to collab with Yukio if he keeps the stockings on.'

The audience started laughing and wolf whistling and in that moment Toshiro could practically hear the delicate tapping of internet fan fiction writers everywhere covering every possible scenario on the back of this panel.

After a few more questions it was clear the panel was coming to an end.

'Who would rather get a picture taken with Yukio in cosplay?' the host asked and the whole audience cheered, meaning that for the next three hours of photos and autographs, Yukio was wearing the cosplay.

Eventually Sean ended the panel by asking for a massive selfie with the audience in the background. Overall the panel had been adorably humorous and had lifted Toshiro's spirits immensely. At the very end Yukio and Sean stood speaking on stage for a while as most of the fans filtered out the room, quite a few people remained behind and eventually Yukio jumped down off the stage as Sean made his way backstage.

He approached Toshiro and glared at him. Toshiro was already standing and keeping the table between them with a massive grin on his face.

'Sean just saw you in stockings,' he laughed and Yukio literally tried to launch himself across the table at him. Toshiro bolted just out of his reach cackling in his best impression of the Joker.

'I'll murder you,' Yukio hissed and Rukia stood up to try and hold Yukio back.

'No you won't,' Toshiro was smiling, 'he'll remember you now, he seems like a cool guy.'

'He is a cool guy!' Yukio glared.

'What did you two talk about?' Rukia asked clearly trying to change the subject.

'We're going to be doing a collab video together when we go back to Ireland.' He glared at Toshiro who smirked back.

'Are you going to wear the stockings?'

Yukio almost snapped and Toshiro had to make a quick exit with Rukia hot in tow behind him.

All in all it had been the distraction that Toshiro had needed, they followed Yukio out of the theatre and back into the main convention hall. The entire building was bustling with people and the air conditioning units were mentally being worshiped by those in tight costumes and large heavy jackets. Toshiro and Rukia wove in and out of people following behind Yukio who made his way to the signing area and photography area that had been set up.

There was already a large queue of screaming fans and every single person that approached Yukio complimented his cosplay. Toshiro and Rukia stood by for a while chatting to some of the staff members about their con experience so far and watching as fan after fan approached their friend. Toshiro enjoyed watching Yukio interact with others, he was natural. Funny and charming, the smile never slipped from his face even once, despite some fans being a bit creepy or too full on, he stayed professional the entire time and Toshiro envied him so much. He wished he could be cool and collected when it came to meeting people, instead he usually made a fool of himself, another reason why he refused to meet Rangiku in person.

Knowing his luck he'd trip over something and end up in her cleavage and it would just be the most embarrassing thing ever.

'You okay?' Rukia asked and Toshiro put on a smile and nodded. She didn't look convinced but dropped the topic as the continued to watch Yukio who was now hugging a small girl who had given him a picture she'd drawn.

He almost missed the feeling of his phone vibrating in his pocket because of everything going on around them.

Pulling the device out he smiled when he saw the name on his phone screen and pressed his finger against his home button to unlock the device.

His heart stopped as he read the message.

Matsumoto 16:33pm

It's over :P

I found you.

I saw you ask a question at Yukio's panel, that's some cute Black Butler cosplay you have going on, your question to Yukio made me laugh.

He looks good in stockings.

Toshiro swallowed, his heart hammering in his chest as it was followed up with an image of Rangiku and Ichigo in cosplay.

She hadn't mentioned that she was planning to go to a convention, but he pushed that thought aside as the overwhelming sensation crushed at his heart; she'd seen him. She'd seen him dressed in a Joker cosplay. He felt physically sick, he felt honestly so sick.

As if on cue another message came through.

Matsumoto 16:35pm

And you're not that short btw!

It was followed by an onslaught of emojis.

He felt sick, he quickly excused himself away from a worried Rukia and made his way to the nearest male bathroom. He felt like her eyes were on him from every single angle in that convention hall and hysteria was rising up in his throat. He only just made it into one of the cubicles in time as he retched over the toilet seat.

Panic and anxiety worse than he'd ever felt it before twisted in his gut, spilling a horrible feeling into his stomach and causing the horrific reaction. He tried desperately to keep the lunch he'd had down, knowing that he'd barely been eating enough as it were. His whole mouth was filling with saliva in preparation for the vomit he was trying so desperately not to toss up.

When his shaky hands could work enough to press buttons without it looking like he was drunk he quickly typed out a reply.

In the middle of an anxiety attack was probably not the best time to respond to her messages.

Mr Hyorinmaru 16:52pm

You stalked me?

Matsumoto 16:52pm

Maybe a little :P
So can we meet now?

Mr Hyorinmaru 16:53pm

No.

His anxiety was turning to anger, twisting hot and coiling in his gut. She'd actually gone out of her way to try and find him, something he didn't think she'd ever do, knowing and understanding how he felt about his appearance and his privacy.

Matsumoto 16:55pm

I'm beginning to think you actually don't want to be in my company, which is just so shocking to me because I actually thought we were friends.

I thought if I could come and see you and explain that your size is not an issue that you'd want to meet, forgive me Captain but I'm actually a bit pissed off.
Why don't you want to meet me?

How did someone with such bad anxiety and such little self esteem explain how he was feeling? He wasn't good with his words at the best of time.

Mr Hyorinmaru 16:57pm

If you were really my friend you'd have respected my privacy.

He knew it was probably something he was going to regret, after the anxiety wore off and he was able to think about this more logically but for now he was so angry, confused and devastated. He couldn't believe… something like that had happened, he'd been so careless. He should have avoided the convention. He should have stayed in and not come. He shouldn't have gotten involved with her in the first place.

He couldn't stand just being friends with her, it was too much for him and it was all she wanted and he couldn't do that to himself and it hurt.

He curled into a little defensive ball in the bathroom floor and tried to keep it together, trying his best to breathe properly and even out his breaths. He hated this, he hated it so much. He couldn't go and see her because she was everything he couldn't have and it hurt him. He was better keeping her at arm's length to have her close now would just crush him. He was too self-conscious, too easily hurt and not good enough.

Matsumoto 17:02pm

Wow. Okay.
Consider your message landed. We're not friends, but I don't appreciate how little you think of me.

Reading the sentence was like sending little blades digging into his heart with every word. He was being unreasonable and he knew it but he couldn't stop. He wasn't brave enough to not push her away, pushing people away was all he knew.

Mr Hyorinmaru 17:04pm

What do you mean?

Matsumoto 17:04pm

That you actually think so little of me, after all you've learned, that all you think I care about is what you look like.
But noted. I won't bother you again.

He felt the cold sweat trickle down his back, his mouth dry where he'd been retching before and the cold clammy feel of his hands against his phone and he re-read her message over and over. It was too much of a farewell and he hated it. He squeezed his eyes tight shut and felt a stabbing in his chest, it felt like a blade was piercing its way through his heart, removing it out slowly and crushing his lungs in the process.

He sat on the cold floor for a lot longer than he intended. Eventually Rukia asking where he'd run off, he was forced to move. He stood on his shaking legs and made his way out of the bathroom. The feeling of shock settling into a weird hallow feeling in his chest as he made his way through the crowds of people that literally felt like they were moving in slow motion. At one point he realised he wasn't even walking in the right direction and had to turn around confusing the people who had been walking just behind him. He made his way back to the booths where autographs were happening and saw Yukio grinning at him and Rukia waving him over.

'Are you okay you look a bit pale?' she asked narrowing her eyes.

'He always looks like that,' Yukio said laughing but the two did exchange a look that didn't go unnoticed by Toshiro.

The rest of the con seemed to drag on and though his heart had been ripped from his chest he did his best to put a smile on his lips and blend in with his friends. It was like acting a part, he was acting. That's what he kept telling himself for the day, he was playing the part of Joker, nothing else, no one else.

Though when they went back to the hotel he made his excuses to skip dinner and made his way up to his hotel room. When the last pieces of his cosplay fell away and he was left staring into the mirror as just Toshiro the crushing weight hit him.

This was his fault, his fault for allowing his feelings to get so involved in Rangiku. What happened when you relied on someone almost entirely for your own happiness that the things that made you happy before they came along didn't anymore. He crushed his eyes shut, his hands gripping the side of the porcelain sink as he tried to regulate his breathing. He'd heard about heartbreak before and had never really understood why it could cause such severe issues such as depression, eating disorders and even cardiac arrest.

He understood now.

His heart didn't feel like it was beating properly, it felt like every second or third beat was trying to force itself up out his throat. He wasn't sure if this was normal or not but was too scared to leave the bathroom to google the symptoms for fear of the bile rising back in his throat again. Instead he stood in the bathroom for what felt like an hour.

Then his brain seemed to take over, coaxing him gently out of his stupor and into autopilot. He removed his underwear and went for a quick shower, the water feeling scolding hot against his skin. He stood under the flow until his face felt numb and his spikes started to obey the laws of physics.

Climbing into bed that night he curled himself into a very tight ball and crushed a pillow into his face, he was never one to cry but never did he feel so close to tears than he did in that moment. He hadn't tried to reach out to Rangiku again, nor did he think he could. He didn't think there was a single thing he could say to make any of this better he had to just believe that maybe they could move by this and one day go back to being just friends? Or maybe just employer and employee? He felt another stab at his heart at the thought.

It took him a long time to fall asleep that night and his dreams seemed as dark and as bleak as the day had been.

That whole week, he threw himself into his work. Things had been gathering up since his exchanges with Rangiku had started so he had plenty to keep himself focused and busy. They also left New York City, travelling to Amsterdam in time for another big convention. He was hoping the distance would make things easier, because he had an illogical fear of walking out of the hotel in New York City and running into Rangiku and Ichigo who were likely out sightseeing.

All he had on his phone were text messages from Ichigo apologising profusely for what had occurred but Toshiro would never ever blame his friend. It was his own fault for getting involved, for allowing his feelings to grow, for flying out to New York City and attending the same event. It was all his fault. He'd accepted Ichigo's apology and spent quite the bit of time trying to convince Ichigo he wasn't to blame.

The rainy days in Amsterdam did little to help him and Toshiro knew that Rukia and Yukio were worried about him because the two seemed to be dragging him out of his hotel room from time to time, they'd also sit and watch him eat as if assuming he wasn't going to.

Exactly a week after the incident he sat down at his desk, eyeing his screen and set about ordering the three roses to be delivered to Rangiku. He wasn't sure why he was doing it, perhaps because she may still be expecting it or perhaps in the hopes that maybe it may amend their friendship. He scanned a hand written note to be printed and included with the order, just two words; 'I'm Sorry. T. H x'

In the hope that maybe, maybe it would be enough to patch up the hole he'd opened in their relationship.

He kept his phone on loud through the night and shot awake as soon as a message came through. Finding the hotel lamp switch was difficult in the dark, the hotel rooms in Amsterdam were older fashioned, high ceilinged and pitch black at night. Once he located the switch he flicked the light on and quickly grabbed for his phone. His heart sank at the message waiting for him.

Matsumoto 02:13am

I don't want flowers, I just wanted to meet you.

It was a simple message and she had asked for the one thing he refused to give her. Even then, even now he could feel the anxiety flaring up in his chest.

Mr Hyorinmaru 02:15am

I am sorry, it's the one thing I can't give you.

Matsumoto 02:15am

Then I've nothing more to say.

He clung to his phone and huddled himself into a ball, trying to make himself as small as possible. Maybe if he did that he could just disappear. For some reason his own mind seemed to be poisoning his thoughts, stopping him from telling her the truth. How many people understood what anxiety was, what it meant and how it worked? There was still a massive stigma around it.

Instead he did his best to try and sleep.

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