So, as promised, I am now going to hand out my e-cookie awards to those loving readers who responded to previous chapters, inspiring me to write more. Here they are.
Half-Cookies, Awarded for favoriting/alerts:
ravens rising
Snowkid
RaitonWolf
TheShatteredRose
***
Let's have a round of applause! (all stare blankly at the very Mad Hatter). Aaaanyways. So now, here are the full cookies for the amazing, awesome, ridiculously awesome people who reviewed this story. You guys, I love you!:
Snowkid (FOUR times, making them the king/queen of reviews. For reviewing more than anyone else you get a bonus cookie, bringing the grand total to five cookies):
Please watch in the upcoming chapters for that surprise pairing.
ravens rising (TWICE!!- for two cookies)
Your fic Fear was great inspiration for writing this, as is your encouragement.
TheShatteredRose
You concerns have been duly noted (XD, I love saying that!), so no worries.
Author's playlist: Imogen Heap, Kate Havenevick, Owl City, and Sia
***
Now that that's done, I'd just like to say that all your enthusiastic pleas to see Shunsui and Ukitake have not fell on deaf ears because her they are in all their glory!! Nanao was fun to write, but I have to say that I'm glad to have gotten back to these to as well!. Also, if anyone knows how to post pictures please tell me because I found a gorgeous pics I'd love to share. That aside, please enjoy and keep reviewing and whatnot (another fun word)!!
The Hatter Maddox
Ukitake
***Instant re-cap: we left off with Ukitake disrobing, but not yet in the bath. His final statement was: "Shun would never, ever be mine". Now, returning to the plot***
I shrugged off my yukata, letting the white cotton fall to the floor. In the last two weeks, I had worn nothing else, just a single layer of thin white cotton- cheap to replace when I covered each new one in blood. In the past two weeks I had lost so much weight that it hung loosely on me where I was once able to fill it out- at least without it the comparison wasn't possible.
Shunsui's arms around me, one hand bracing my shoulder, the other resting lightly on my hip felt even better on my bare skin, his warmth penetrating me to the core. He was standing close to me, closer than he needed to, in any case. My body was cool, and even with the steam blossoming into clouds that brushed my skin, I could feel the warmth of his body, and I shivered, wanting more of that warmth.
Shunsui, mistaking it for a shiver of cold, carefully pulled me closer, just resting against him. Then in one of those startlingly quick movements, he was swinging me back into his arms. I squeaked, the tiny noise cut off as the heat from his body enveloped me. I sighed in pleasure, pulling myself closer as he laughed, dry amusement on his face. I glared up at him, using it as an excuse to take a closer look at his face.
He hadn't shaved in too long, and when he had it hadn't been done well, because the stubble on his cheeks was uneven. His face was hollowed, something that was disguised well by his angular features and cheeky smile, but all too obvious to me. There were dark circles under his eyes that looked as if they were only just fading after a long time. There were shadows in his eyes and on his heart that I hadn't seen in a long time.
They told me, Isane, Unohana and Kuchiki-kun even, that he was worrying himself half to death. When he came, on the rare occaision that I was conscious I was too tired to try to, or even want to see past his smile. Sometimes I was so tired, I could barely make out more than the smile, if I opened my eyes at all, and it had been easy to not hear the edges in his voice. It had been denial, probably just because at the time I couldn't handle the guilt of knowing that Shunsui was losing sleep and sanity over me because I was too weak to run a few blocks fully rested. I huddled closer as Shunsui adjusted the taps, and let him shift his grip.
He lowered me into the water so smoothly I barely made a ripple and I sighed- the water was hot, almost hot enough to scald, but just shy of actually doing it and as I slipped into it I could feel the heat sinking into my skin.
"Aaaah" I sank back into the water, trying to ignore the pang of loss when Shunsui's hands pulled away. Already I could feel the heat radiating through my muscles, washing away the lingering knots and the feeling of sickness. I didn't know when I let my eyes closed, but I couldn't seem to open them again, and I didn't mind. I could hear Shunsui moving around and forced myself to crack one eye. I looked for him, not bothering to move.
"Here it is!" He exclaimed, holding up his prize triumphantly. I cocked a brow at him, smiling lazily in question.
"Sakura scented bath oil, and the last of my dried sakura petals. I thought you'd like them" He explained, looking even more pleased with himself. I hurt him, I made him worry, I commandeered his bathtub, and now he wanted to give me the last of his obviously treasured bath things.
"Don't try to tell me you don't like them. I can get more tomorrow, so don't feel bad. It'll be fun to collect them from the tree in your garden and dry them out myself. " He added, upending the packet of petals into the tub then splashing in some of the oil.
"Mmmm" I inhaled deeply, letting the light, flowery scent filter through my lungs. It smelled almost like Shunsui. I settled myself, shifting so that only my head was above the water and let my eyes close again.
"Alright Shun. I'm in the bath, smelling all flowery. Now, what did you want to tell me?"
Shun was quiet. I could hear his footsteps, then him settling, sitting on the counter if had to guess. Curious, I slit one eye and glanced about. I smiled- he had indeed chosen to sit atop a marble counter, elbows braced on his knees, chin resting on his hands. I let my eyes closed and waited for him to start.
"I'm just glad you're better" his voice sounded far away, as it was drifting to me from another world, sepperated from me by a sea of steam but even so I could hear the roughness there. Hear the raw fear.
"Me too, Shun." I whispered, not wanting to remember. My eyes flickered behind my lids as I tried not to think of the pain. It's over now. I told myself. It's over.
He didn't continue, and I didn't push him. It wasn't the right time, or maybe not the right place, that much I could feel, so with one more contented sigh, I sank deeper into the water and let the heat wash over me, letting the sensation of the swirling water drown out my thoughts. When Shunsui came and turned off the water I was already half-asleep, too far gone to do more than recognize his soft laughter, anchoring me to the real world, but not drawing me all the way back either.
I sat there, soaking in the warmth; loathe to move so much as a finger. With his comforting reiatsu so nearby I could relax more completely than I had in weeks surrounded by the fourth division.
"Do you want to wash off? The water has to be getting cool by now." Shunsui's voice sounded closer again, perhaps because the steam that once surrounded us had disappeared, leaving behind only fogged over mirrors to show it had been here. I opened my eyes and stretched, as well as I could anyway, returning to reality in time to notice that the water had indeed gone cool, holding only a trace of warmth. I was still warm, but if I stayed in long enough for the water to go cold I knew that wouldn't last. Fully awake and more energized than I had been in weeks, if still a feeling lingering traces of my former exhaustion, I pushed myself up in the tub.
"How'd you know?" I turned to smile at Shunsui who was looking hopeful askance at me and looking patently adorable in a scraggly puppy dog sort of way. Something about his lopsided smile, questioningly raised brows and playfully bright chocolate eyes reminded me of a dog expecting praise for a trick well done and warmed my in a fizzy way, in places that the hot water couldn't reach. I could feel that bubbling warmth melt my smile, and it was a near thing stopping myself from laughing.
"What did you expect from a genius?" He gave me a winning smirk, a quirk of his wide smile that suggested that he was inviting the world to laugh at him, as good natured as always.
"Maybe some shampoo and conditioner?" I suggest, playing at haughtiness. "My hair doesn't clean itself you know." I lifted my brows, draping my arm as elegantly as possible on the side of the tub to disguise the fact that I wasn't feeling quite as steady as I liked, and also just because I enjoyed the play.
"But I do know!" Shun exclaimed, looking for all the world as if this was a very serious matter. "Gorgeous hair like this," He plucked a strand of hair off my shoulder and rubbing it between a finger and thumb as he shook his head solemnly "It doesn't maintain itself."
"Don't worry" He reassured me. He might have been telling a fatally wounded man he was going to live. I just smiled as he began to sort through the bottles stacked haphazardly on his shower rack "I've got just the thing"
"A-ha!" beaming, he practically bounced over, the selected bottles in his arms. "Vanilla sugar body scub! 'opens pores while soothing and gently exfoliating'. Or so it says- I just think it smells nice. And the hair stuff" He deposited the two bottles and the tub on the marble ledge that surrounded the tub, carful to put them in easy reach. He grinned down at me, and at last I couldn't help but laugh and he joined in.
"Thanks" I reached for the scrub first, unscrewing the lid so I could take a sniff. I made a pleased noise- the white stuff smelled clean, bright and just sweet enough. I set it back down and set about scrubbing down my chest. As promised the scrub both soothed my dry skin and 'gently exfoliated', making me feel entirely clean. Shun sat on a counter, whistling tunelessly, as I washed my torso and discovered a dilemma: I couldn't get my back. Some energy had been returned to me by the bath, but my muscles still felt like strands of cooked noodles, and no matter how I contrived to twist myself I could reach no farther than my shoulders.
I threw down my useless arm, splattering water all over the marble floors. I looked down, struggling to hold back the frustrated tears that were prickling at my eyes.
"What's wrong?" A very worried Shunsui was instantly by my side, crouching beside me faster than I could see him move. I shook my head, not trusting my voice, and splattered Shun with drops of water. His frown deepened and he leaned closer, searching for whatever had upset me.
"I can't do it!" I cried, angrily swiping away a tear that had fallen despite my best efforts. "I can't wash my own back! It's pathetic!" I could feel my eyes brimming again, but I let the tears come, not able to care that I was being childish. Pathetic, that's what this all was. Just pathetic. At some point my hands had become trembling fists, and I blinked letting my vision blur. I saw motion, then Shun was brushing away my tears, looking unfazed if sympathetic. That made me feel even more like a three-year-old throwing a fit, but even so I let him, sniffling once.
"Don't be stupid Juu-kun" He told me, reverting to my nick name from the Academy which got a half-smile from me. "You're barely out of bed after something that would have killed a weaker man" I could feel his fingers twitch when he said the word "killed", but his face was serious, more serious than I can ever remember seeing him. It made me want to believe him, even though it wasn't a good enough reason.
"It's a miracle you can sit on your own. You are a miracle" I didn't feel like a miracle. I felt weak, and stupid and out of control which was maybe the worst thing of all. I met Shun's eyes desperately, searching for an answer there. What I found was more shocking than whatever I had thought to find. Shun believed what he was saying. The devout faith in his eyes was staggering, because it was all behind that one statement: you are a miracle. To him, to the one person I loved the most, I was a miracle. My breath caught in my throat and threw myself forward at Shunsui. If he was surprised or unhappy at being hugged by a naked, dripping wet man he hid it well, wrapping his arms tightl around my shoulders as I knotted mine around his neck so I could sob into his shoulder.
I let go, crying on Shun's solidly warm shoulder until I collapsed there shaking and struggling to catch my newly found breath. I succeeded, only coughing once and not bloodily at all and lay there, letting my head rest of Shunsui's unmoving shoulder where I could hear the pound of his even heart beat. He sighed deeply, and his breath washing over my ear and shoulder, making me shiver as my wet hair stirred.
"Sorry Kyo-kun" I whispered, using the same nickname I had always used when he called mine in the Academy.
Shunsui shook his head. "Don't worry about it Juu" he dropped the kun, something he didn't do often. His voice, right near my ear, was soft. Listening to him, I felt my breathing slow and my hearts wild racing even out. "Here. I'll wash you back, alright?" I could hear the smile in his voice, and nodded, letting him set me carefully back down in the water.
"Lean forward Juu" I complied, keeping my arm braced on the side of the tub and then Shun reached forward to part my hair, letting it rest on my shoulders.
"Aaaaaaah" I sighed, letting my world dissolve in the sensation of Shun massaging the body scrub into my shoulders. At the first touch, I could feel myself turning into butter.
"Mmmm" I hummed my soft appreciation and stayed as still as I could, ingraining the moment into my mind.
Shunsui's hands were just like him; gentle but strong. Unhurried, Shun began to work across my shoulders, working patiently through even the tiniest knotted muscle, then slowly moving down my back. His touch was hot on my almost-warm skin, sending tingling shivers dancing through me to pool in my stomach like a storm of electric butterflies. In that moment there was no world; no bath, no house, no place, no thing and no person outside Shunsui's hands on me, making the edges of my world spill over with bliss.
Shunsui
Although I wasn't expecting it, Ukitake's outburst didn't surprise me. He knew that he had one of the strongest reiatsus in soul society, knew that he was among the most independent, wise and self-assured men in the whole of the world, and yet he saw himself as weak. He was self-aware, he was modest, and he paradoxically was a little self-hating at times, if not in the typical sense.
I still hadn't told him although I meant to, and any thought of it left my mind when he threw his arms around me. Then all that mattered was holding him tight and letting him cry. After every relapse he had some sort of down time, and I was always there to pull him out of it. Usually he just let himself be cynical, something he normally tried to keep from doing out loud. Today the stress all built up, and he ended up in my arms, sobbing the big shuddering sobs he so rarely let himself have for fear of coughing.
Just in case I was ready with my limited arsenal of healing kido, mastered over a lifetime of safeguarding Juushiro. I was no Unohana or Isane and I probably couldn't out-do their third seat, Yasochika, but I had an impressive specialization in anything that had ever come in handy with Juu and the power to back it up. Each time a kido spell was used on him I spent the following days mastering it, usually with someone from 4th division conveniently loitering about so they could report to Unohana that my "dangerous knowledge" hadn't killed anyone yet.
Luckily, it never came to that, because with one weak cough, he settled to shaking as he clung to me. I pulled him a little closer, savoring the feel of his face on my neck. So close. When he was weak like this, it was so easy; too easy to bring him close. I was a little scared of the fact that I couldn't resist doing it at every possible opportunity, but that didn't make me any more able to stop myself.
"Sorry Kyo-kun" he whispered, keeping his arms tight around my neck. I felt a tiny chill creep down my spine at the use of my old Academy nickname.
"Don't worry about it Juu" I told him, taking a breath so I wouldn't shiver at the feeling of his cheek nuzzling my shoulder, his skin soft and damp on mine with both tears and water. I could smell the sakura scent on him, and the sweet vanilla, blending with his deep, clean smell with its trace of musk. I knew now what I was getting him for his birthday. Or maybe as a congratulations on getting better gift, or even just a get well present. Whatever option would make him smell like that again the soonest.
"Here. I'll wash your back, alright?" I offred my reassurance and my help, my support any time he needed it. I don't know if he heard all that, but I could hope- Juu had always been observant after all. He nodded, making his nose brush the sensitive hollow of my neck so I gently took hold of him and set him down, instantly missing his soggy presence. Water-logged, blood-soaked or covered in thorns, there was no time or condition that made me more reluctant to hold Juu.
"Lean forward Juu" I instructed, reaching for the scrub, considering just giving him the rest point-blank. I used it now and again, but my skin wasn't as delicate as Juu's so I usually used a rougher one with orange peel and a muskier scent that Nanao had helped me find. Apparently, women expect men to be able to supply themselves with whatever hygiene products they need without even knowing what it was they needed. It was instructional trip to say the least, and I'd never go back to washing with bars of hand soap and alternately plain body wash for both body and hair. I still had the tiny kit of facial creams Nanao had insisted I needed and I still didn't see the point in them, but I'd learned to appreciate the wonders of shampoo and conditioner, a good body scrub, some bath oil and a little lotion. In any case I'd amassed a huge collection of products and I wouldn't miss this one.
Juu had leaned forward and I reached out to push his hair over his shoulders and out of the way, fully exposing his pale lean back to me. His body was unmarred, an expanse of pure white skin, lean muscle (not as much as there once was, but still some), and a powerful build. His shoulder blades were visible as smooth contours offset by the caps of weakened muscle on the joinging of his arms and torso. I could see the ridge of his spine and the shadows of his ribs. He was beautiful, broad shoulders, powerful even as thin and delicate as they had no become narrowed to a strong back a narrow waist and hips that jutted out in my haunting memory of his body when the yukata fell. Astoundingly beautiful, and yet terrifyingly weak. That unnatural balance between delicate, almost breakable weakness and undeniable power, strength that was built into the set of his body and his very bone structure was the most eerily attractive thing I'd seen in centuries. Nothing could win out against Juushiro at his fittest and most muscular, but this made an almost even tie.
I shoved aside my thoughts and went to work. I started at the base of his gently curving neck, just below the last wisps of dampened white hair. Where I had learned massage, I don't remember, but over the years I had slowly mastered it working the kinks out of a stressed Ukitake's shoulders or working out a knotted muscle for some comrade or underling. I didn't usually think much of the patter of smooth presses and gliding kneading, but now, pressing every kink out of Juu-kun's muscles, I felt a connection, something deeper than any physical bond.
He sighed contentedly and pins and needles prickled my arms. It was almost as if I could feel his enjoyment, his raw pleasure at the touch. It was thrilling, feeling his silky skin, soft with the traces of my bath oil, beneath my hands and seeing the sharp contrast of my dark skin on his pale back, and feeling the contentment radiating off him. He made little sounds of pleasure every so often, small sighs and soft sounds of approval when I did something just right. I took note of every movement that produced a reaction, repeating them and falling into a rhythm at which Juu hummed, a soft tuneless sound that sent want crashing over me. I'd thought that I couldn't want him any more without exploding or falling to pieces or just dying. I had obviously though wrong because by some feat of god I was still in one piece.
I was so absorbed in working even the tiniest stiffness out of him that it came as a cold shock to me when I reached the end of his spine. It was like being stabbed realizing that the moment was reaching an end. Juushiro too felt it, for his humming shifted, a note of disappointment mingling with the soft tunelessness. Just to draw things out, just because I could get away with it, and above all because I couldn't help it I massaged all the way back up to his shoulders which massaged for just a moment before pulling away with a cold jolt. It felt like I had lost a limb, a part of my self and I could feel the ghost of the connection hovering and screaming in my senses, the pain of the sepperation layering with the residual memory of feeling what Ukitake was feeling, of being joined where my fingers touched his back. He shivered slightly and I guessed that like me, he didn't feel the physical cold, but the coldness of not being together.
I hadn't lost any feeling, but the sensation was that of numbness, like I had lost a sense. His sense. I snagged a wash cloth off a counter, simultaneously pulling the plug and running some more hot water. I passed the cloth under the water and washed the scrub off his back, the feel of him through the cloth only making the lack of true touch more intensely sharp and aching. He seemed to like it though, so I swirled and swished across his back, rinsing away the last traces of soap and pulled back.
"Done" I said thoroughly satisfied with my work. There was still a knot of sharp aching in my gut, but I was satisfied- his skin had been ashen, almost gray because of its paleness. Now it was bright and pure, glowing almost.
He turned his head half-way, probably all he could manage, and smiled at me, a melting smile of dark eyes and soft lips behind a half-drawn curtain of white silk. "Thanks Kyo"
"Think nothing of it" I grinned an unshaking grin I was proud to say that I could keep in place even with my heart thudding like it was now.
"I'll do your hair too if you want, massage your scalp a little." I offered, not giving him the chance to discover he couldn't do it himself. "You know how much I love your hair" I added, ignoring the wobble in his smile. He reached up, trying to run a hand through the white tangles, but only succeeded in getting his fingers stuck in a knot atop his head before he had to drop his hand to his lap, looking at it like a broken thing that he wanted to throw away. His smile wavered, warring with something else for dominance of his face. He ended up with a darkly cynical twist of his lips when he turned to look at me.
"Why not? It's not as if I can do it myself" He turned, eyes tracing inexistent patterns on the wall that the tub backed onto. I sighed. Juushiro never cut himself any slack. No, he saved all the slack for me and my lazy ass pacifism.
"Tch. Stop it, will you? You know I don't hold with self-depreciation." I reproached him. "It brings back old memories." I added, trying to block out said memories. In part I just hated seeing Juu down on himself, hated seeing that look of sadistic self-worthlessness on his face, but there was also another deeper level too it, one I hadn't reminded him of in a long time. That look, and the attitude that went with it were an uncomfortable reminder of my not-so-recent, not-so-pleasant past. He resembled nothing then, so much as me when I was depressed. I was on the verge of suicidal then, and meeting Juushiro who had no qualms about telling me that he wouldn't let me destroy myself because he liked me, whether or not I liked myself, was probably the only thing that stopped me from getting in trouble with Yama-jii about it. I didn't like to remember that time and Juushiro didn't want to remind me of anything I didn't want to remember, so it was a good way to end his cynicism.
He blinked, surprised, and nodded. "Of course. Sorry Kyo" He smiled ruefully.
"And no more sorries" I added strictly.
"No. no more sorries" he agreed, the smile lingering.
"Hold on a sec" I dug in a cabinet again, searching for a pitcher to pour water over Ukitake with- mock revenge for soaking me from the waist up. I took of my ornamental robe, laying it on a safe counter along with my captain's robe, leaving me in my mostly dry uniform.
"Close your eyes" I warned filling the pitcher from the running water. Ukitake closed his eyes and I upended it over his head, watching the sheet of water flatten his scraggly hair into smooth sheets of white. While the water was still dripping from his nose I eked out the last of the shampoo, appreciatively sniffing the faint herbal smell of it and began to work it through his hair, starting at the bottom and moving ever closer to his scalp. After dealing with my hair, the tangles in his were simple to unknot- my hair was much thicker and if I let it get knotted I sometimes ended up spending hours (it felt like hours, anyways) getting them out and got only a sore scalp for my troubles. Juushiro's hair on the other hand was lighter and smoother, gliding through my fingers like silk once I carefully worked free the knots. Once his hair was fully lathered and covered with suds to the tips I let my fingers wander his scalp, using circles of light pressure that increased as I moved from his temples to the base of his skull.
Juushiro began to hum again, his head falling back into my hands so I could see his face, still dripping water, the dips above his collar bone and his neck. After a moment of watching, mesmerized as his chest rose and fell with his breathing I decided it was safest to focus on his head. Even so, the glimpses of pale skin on the corners of my sight were tantalizing enough to waken the shivering coal bed nestled between my hips. Running one hand through his hair, I used the other to refill the pitcher.
"Keep 'em closed" I warned, waiting for his slight nod to pour it over his head and comb the last of the suds out of his hair. I ruffled his hair fondly as he tried to blow an errant strand out of his face, looking every bit the impatient child.
I used lots of conditioner, deep moisturizing stuff that left my hair almost oily. Nanao explained later that that was because I have coarse hair that tends toward oiliness, after which I purchased her prescribed conditioner, a lighter liquid than the thick cream I was combing into Juu-kun's hair and supposedly deep cleaning. Juushiro, unlike me, was blessed with a fall of delicate silky hair, and after his two weeks of illness if was dry and brittle. If anything could fix that it was the super-moisturizing goop. His hair could probably use whatever it was that made my untameable curls greasy. I spent more time working this through his hair, letting myself "accidentally" brush his neck as I worked at the back of his head.
Juushiro was still, his face totally peaceful, arms trailing in the receding water, and it was quiet, the only sound the gurgle of the water.
"Juu, what I wanted to tell you?" I started, feeling my nerves come back en force, twisting my stomach and souring my mouth.
"Yeah?" Juu laid his head back against the side of the tub as I began to comb through his hair from the temples again.
"I don't love Nanao"
***
And. . .CLIFFIE!!!!! This did not turn out as originaly planned, because somewhere midway through Shunsui and Ukitake suddenly had minds of their own and rebelled. Ukitake wasn't originally supposed to cry, just get moody and be frustrated like a (very cute, very sexy) little kid. I also wasn't planning on Shunsui's POV, but he decided that he had something to say, so there it is. Everything from there just kind of made itself up on the spot. I feel very much like Ukitake's had was on mine as Shunsui peered over my shoulder, nodding and complaining and telling me I should say more about how sexy Ukitake is. Ukitake blushed and swatted at him and I slipped it past the both of them that they're acting like adorable little three-year-olds in love. Tell me what you thought, from the good to the bad to the plain ol' ugly. Also please note that while I have Shunsui and Ukitake visiting in my Imagination (this is an actual place- open the door to my basement, turn to the left and walk through where the doorframe should be, and you'll have found it), I do not own them, and if I did their love would be cannon, with lots of behind-the-scenes fics for you fans. It's not like they'd mess up the plot if they were together. They'd just be really sweet. Which is why I plan on black-mailing Tite-sama on the point, as soon as I get those incriminating pictures. Or I might just write leverage on an envelope and send him that. You never know, he might be convinced. Or I might get arrested and locked away for a really long time. Which is why you must all understand that this is all meant in jest- if one of you is training for the FBI, please do not come arrest me, because I intend the greatly beloved Tite Kubo-sama-sensei no harm. NONE. Also, the side pairings will be coming up soon, so please tell me who you want to see and who you want to see them with. I've already got some ideas, but yours may well be better, so have at. Thanks again to all you cookie-earning people and those of you who are about to join their ranks- you know who you are.
The Hatter, out!