Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.

THE YEARNING

CHAPTER FOUR

Six Years Later

In a secluded spot on a beautiful Floridian beach, Lieutenant Kathryn Janeway poured herself a coffee as she enjoyed a picnic with Lieutenant Justin Tighe. Her hair was long now, loose, and was as auburn as nature intended. On her head, to shield her face from the sun, was a straw hat, and she was wearing a pretty yellow dress of dandelions and buttercups. Justin, a tall man with black hair and distinctive green eyes, was sitting opposite, and was clad in a white t-shirt over blue shorts. He was a handsome man, in a rugged kind of way, and Kathryn had been dating him for several months. They were taking their relationship slowly, both for different reasons, but had become so close that their relationship was rapidly gaining pace. Kathryn felt completely at ease with Justin. He was a reserved man, quiet, and he let her take the lead. Kathryn liked that, needed that. After that disastrous night at The Dolphin, Kathryn had turned down every man who had ever asked her on a date, every man except Justin. He had captivated her from the moment they met, and when she was with him, her problems disappeared. Faded like the dark at sunrise. When he'd taken her in his arms and kissed her for the first time, she hadn't been afraid, hadn't pulled away. She had kissed him back and enjoyed it. Every time they kissed she enjoyed it, and there was nothing she liked more than cuddling up with him. He made her feel safe, loved, protected. He had braved his greatest hell to rescue her from the Cardassians, risked that horror he had once been lucky to survive, and she'd known then that he loved her.

And she loved him.

Loved him with all her heart and soul. Those lonely and lost years after Neal, they were now just a distant memory. Now she was herself again, the self she had been before. When she looked at Justin, she felt fuzzy inside, fuzzy and happy, and life was wonderful.

"I've been thinking," Justin said as Kathryn closed up her coffee-flask, "how would you like to go skiing this weekend?"

Kathryn looked up at him, eyes sparkling. "Oh, I'd love to! But I thought you don't ski."

"I've been taking lessons."

"Really? Lessons?"

He nodded. "I know how much you love it and I wanted to learn so we can do it together."

"Oh, Justin," Kathryn said, deeply touched. "That's just...thank you. But you didn't have to. We do so many other things together."

"I know, but I wanted to." He smiled. "And I'm good now, so watch out."

Kathryn smiled back. "I don't doubt it." Then happy tears welled in her eyes. "I love you, Justin Tighe."

"I love you too."

They lost themselves in each other's eyes, then Kathryn lowered hers. "You know," she said, "we've been together for a long time now and...well...how about we do more than ski this weekend? How about we...stay at the resort?"

At these words, Justin reached for her hand and squeezed it. "I'd like that, Kathryn. But are you ready?"

Kathryn looked up at him now, up into his kind green eyes. "I am, Justin."

Tenderly, Justin brushed his fingers against her cheek. "Then so am I."

Their eyes locked again, then Justin kissed her softly.

In a luxurious log cabin, high on the Swiss Alps, Kathryn stood by a small window, wrapped in a robe of blue satin, and looked out at the panoramic view before her. In the distance, white hills rolled into white mountains, and above them a black sky twinkled with stars. It was heaven. Heaven on Earth.

Heavenly.

Life was heavenly.

That afternoon, Justin had given her the race of her life on the slopes; this evening they had enjoyed a fabulous Swiss meal on the verandah; and just now had soaked themselves in a hot, bubbly, bath. Kathryn had never been happier, had never felt more relaxed, and she was looking forward to the rest of the night. There were no doubts in her mind about the step she and Justin were about to take. It felt right. Everything felt right.

Perfect.

"Spectacular, isn't it?" Justin said, approaching now with two glasses of champagne in his hands. "Mesmerizing, even."

"Yes," Kathryn said, taking the champagne. "It's...incredible." She smiled. "But not as incredible as you."

Justin smiled back. "Ditto."

"Right now I feel...I feel happier than I've ever been in my entire life. Happier than I ever thought I could be. And that's...it's not because of where I am, it's because of who I'm with. You."

Tears filled Justin's eyes and he put down his glass. Then he took Kathryn's, put it down, and took her hands in his. "I feel the same, Kathryn. After the Cardassians, I...I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't know how to live. I felt dead inside, empty. But then you came into my life and everything changed. You gave me a reason to live, made me want to live, and tonight I'm glad to be alive."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "Me too."

"I love you so much."

"I love you."

Slowly, gently, they drew together and kissed tenderly. As the kiss deepened, Kathryn wrapped her arms around Justin's neck and let herself fall into him. His kisses moved to her neck, kissing with a rising passion, and Kathryn gasped at the sensations his hands and lips were evoking. Then, before she knew it, Justin was carrying her over to their bed, their huge four poster bed, and they were sinking into satin. His lips and hands moved over her body, slipped under her robe, and in between hot kisses he murmured her name. Then his hands were stroking her thighs, moving higher, and then...

And then the horror.

"No," Kathryn cried. "No...please!"

Justin instantly drew away, as though she was suddenly cold to the touch, and looked down at her. But Kathryn didn't see him. She was lost in another time, another place.

"No," she panted, tears steaming down her face. "No...No!"

"Kathryn," Justin said, tearful himself. "It's ok. Kathryn..."

Her name brought her back to the present and her glazed eyes focussed.

"It's ok, Kathryn," Justin said again. "Everything's ok."

Kathryn sobbed, her whole body shaking, and then she turned over and wept. Justin tried to gather her close, wanting and needing to hold her, but Kathryn recoiled at his touch and jumped off the bed.

Then she ran.

Ran out of the room, ran out of the cabin.

Ran and ran.

Underneath a tree, next to a frozen lake, Kathryn shivered violently as she hugged and rocked her freezing body.

Hell.

Heaven was now Hell.

The horror, the torture, the torment of the soul, it was back.

Back.

It had never left.

It would never leave.

Never, never, never.

"Kathryn?"

The voice was Justin's. Far away, like in a dream, but Justin's. Then it was louder, clearer, beside her.

"Kathryn? God, Kathryn!"

Then there was something warm around her, something soft. Then she was being lifted, carried, taken inside.

Inside.

Their cabin.

Then she was talking, talking through tears.

"I'm sorry," she wept. "So sorry."

"It's ok," Justin said, his voice kind. "Everything's ok."

He then put her down on the couch, kissed her, and spoke to someone else...someone not in the room.

"Cabin 10 to reception. We need a doctor. Medical..."

"No," Kathryn cried. "No doctor. Please...no doctor."

Justin hesitated, but then canceled his request for a doctor. Then he left the intercom, grabbed a med-kit, and gave Kathryn a hypospray for hypothermia. It took effect immediately and her shivering eased. But as it did, Kathryn curled herself into a ball and wept.

For a long time Justin watched her, unsure what to do, what to say, but finally he spoke.

"I love you, Kathryn," he said. "What's happened tonight hasn't changed that. It couldn't. But we need to talk. I think we needed to a long time ago."

Silence.

"You had a flashback, didn't you? I've seen them time enough to know."

Silence.

"Was it the Cardassians? Did they...you know?"

"No," Kathryn whispered. "It wasn't them."

"But it was someone?"

For a moment Kathryn didn't respond, then she nodded.

At this confirmation, confirmation of his greatest fear, Justin clenched his fists. But knowing that Kathryn didn't need his anger, just his love and strength, he swallowed it.

"Who, Kathryn?"

Silence.

"Kathryn?"

Suddenly, unexpectedly, Kathryn got to her feet. "I don't want to talk about this, Justin. And I don't want to be here anymore. I'm going home."

Justin stood too. "But, Kathryn..."

"And I don't want to see you again. Not ever."

"Kathryn..." he protested.

"I mean it, Justin. We're over."

With that, she walked over to the intercom and pressed it.

"Cabin 10 to reception. Home transport. Janeway only."

Justin was beside her now. "Don't go, Kath. Please."

But then a blue transporter beam engulfed her and she dematerialized.

When she rematerialized, Kathryn found herself in the lounge of the apartment she lived in alone in San Francisco. It was raining outside, the sky a cloudy gray, and a wind was blowing.

Sobbing, shaking, Kathryn addressed the computer.

"Computer, deny Justin Tighe entry. Remove his access privileges."

The computer instantly replied.

"Privileges removed."

"And block his calls. I don't want to speak to him."

"Block in place."

Then, her broken heart bleeding, her soul screaming, Kathryn collapsed onto the couch, hugged a cushion, and wept.

THREE DAYS LATER

In a park near the research facility where she currently worked, Kathryn sat alone, during her lunch hour, by a pond that glistened in the sun. This part of the park was secluded, closed off from the rest by tall trees, and she was glad of the solitude. Somehow, she had managed to carry on after the weekend, had managed to greet her colleagues with a smile and get down to work, but inside she was dying. Why had it happened? What had she reacted to Justin that way? She loved him, trusted him. Loved him and trusted him with all that she was. Why had their heaven so quickly turned to hell?

Because of Neal.

He had ruined her life once, had taken from her something that could never be got back, and now he had ruined it again.

Ruined.

Her life was ruined.

Her life was hell.

"Hi, Kathryn."

At the sound of her name, spoken by Justin, Kathryn froze.

"I know you don't want to see me," he went on, "but I want to see you. I need to see you."

Summoning all her strength, a strength that always seemed to come from the unknown, Kathryn got to her feet and turned to face him.

"I meant what I said, Justin. It's over between us."

"I don't believe that," he said kindly. "It certainly isn't over for me. I love you."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes now, and her strength started to fail. "Don't," she replied, turning towards the pond. "Just go."

Slowly, Justin closed the gap between them.

"Love doesn't run away, Kathryn. Love isn't a coward. Love stays and fights." Gently, he put his hand on her shoulder. "If I'd have known what I do now, then everything about this weekend would have been different. But I didn't know. I didn't have a clue. If there were signs, I missed them. I'm sorry."

"No," Kathryn said as a tear ran down her cheek. "I'm sorry. I thought I was ready. I thought the ghosts of the past were truly laid to rest. But they're not. And that means...and that means I can never be what you need. So forget about me, Justin. Forget about me and find someone else."

"I don't want anyone else, Kathryn. I only want you."

Kathryn turned to him tearfully. "But what about sex? I don't know if...if I ever can. And that's...it's not fair to you."

"What isn't fair to me is asking me to live without you. You're everything to me, Kathryn. The rest...we'll work it out."

"How?"

"By taking intimacy slowly, by getting professional help."

Kathryn lowered her eyes. "A shrink, you mean."

"There's no shame in that. I've seen a million." His hand found her shoulder again. "We'll get through this, Kathryn. I promise."

Another tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "I appreciate the sentiment, Justin. I appreciate your commitment, but I...I can't burden you with this. My problem is my problem and it should stay that way. You're a wonderful man, the best I've ever known, and you'll find someone else."

"Like I said, I don't want anyone else. Just you. Just you for the rest of my life."

"But..."

"Marry me, Kathryn."

At this, Kathryn looked up at him. "You're serious, aren't you?"

"Very. I love you and I want to be at your side always. I want to be there through the good times and the bad. That's what love is, Kathryn. It's there no matter what." Tenderly, he brushed his fingers against her tears. "You're going to do great things, Kathryn. I know it. You're gifted, brave, hardworking, and an incredible officer. But no matter what you achieve, no matter how famous you become, nothing would be as great to me as the privilege of calling myself your husband." He smiled, infinite love in his eyes. "Marry me, Kathryn Janeway."

Kathryn was going to say no, was going to insist that they were over, but as she looked into his eyes, those eyes she loved that glowed with love for her, all her doubts and fears suddenly faded. Faded into nothing, leaving only love behind. And love, when loved, can only smile.

"Yes," she said through tears. "I will...I will."

Justin laughed from joy and then scooped her up in his arms. Kathryn hugged him back, hugged him hard, and then laughed too as he spun her around.

Spun her around and sent the shadows away.

Sent them away and lit up her world.

A WEEK LATER

On the porch of her childhood home in Bloomington, beneath the light of a silvery moon, Kathryn said goodbye to Justin. He was leaving Earth for Starbase FX-5, and would not be back for a month. On Kathryn's left hand was a beautiful engagement ring of emerald, a ring she had proudly shown her family over dinner, and it glimmered in the moonlight.

"I'm going to miss you so much," Kathryn said, her arms around his neck. "If I had a temporal transporter, I'd beam myself into the future so I could skip the next month."

Justin smiled. "Me too. But the time will pass soon enough."

"Not for me. I'm going to miss you every moment of every day."

Justin tapped her nose. "Ditto. But we'll soon be together again. Just think, in a month's time we'll be on our way to the Tau Ceti system in your father's brand new ship."

"Yes. But did you really offer to pilot or did he talk you into it?"

"I offered. I've always wanted to test-fly a ship. It's a pilot's dream."

Kathryn smiled. "Then I'm glad we'll be making your dream come true."

Justin looked deep into her eyes. "You already have."

Kathryn's eyes moistened at that and she raised her lips to his in a tender kiss. Justin kissed her back, and they kissed softly, kissed long.

A MONTH LATER

The Terra Nova, her father's prototype ship, was the classiest ship of its kind that either Kathryn or Justin had ever seen. It was small, designed for short-range missions only, but it was fast, easily maneuverable, and well defended. As it did not have bedrooms, and the Tau Ceti system was a three day journey from Earth, they had stayed for the last two nights at space stations enroute. The rooms at stations were always basic, generally containing bunks of two beds or four, and the three of them had ended up sharing a four sleeper room both nights. Kathryn was glad, as sharing a bunk room with her father had avoided the complications that could have arisen had she and Justin been offered a double room. Her father would think it strange if she and Justin did not want to share a room, and she would feel terrible if they did share and Justin had to sleep on the floor. While she was determined to beat her problem, and had already registered with a therapist, it would not have been wise for her and Justin to share a bed so soon. She had learnt the hard way that trying to run before taking baby steps only led to a fall.

Sitting at the helm, admiring the jewel on her finger and imagining wedding dresses and cakes, Kathryn only vaguely heard her father tell Justin to engage the port thrusters. She also only vaguely registered Justin's reply. It was only when her father cried out in alarm that Kathryn's senses tuned in to their world, but then...

Then she was falling.

Falling and floating.

Drifting.

Dreaming.

Ice. Icebergs. Frozen Water.

Dying.

Death.

Dreaming.

"Kathryn?"

A voice. Her sister's voice.

"Kathryn...I'm here."

Kathryn opened her eyes, her hurting eyes, and focussed on the blurred face above her. It was Phoebe's face.

"Phoebe," she whispered. "What happened? Where am I?"

"Safe," Phoebe said, her voice tearful. "Oh, Kathryn, we thought we'd lost you."

Lost her? Where had she been? How was she found?

And then...

And then she remembered.

Remembered the ship, remembered falling, remembered an iceberg.

Remembered, and yet didn't remember. Everything was hazy, confused.

"Daddy," she said, "Justin, are they...?"

Silence.

Then sobs. Phoebe's sobs. "I'm so sorry, Kathryn."

For a moment the world stood still, the very universe, then a pain greater than Kathryn had ever known consumed her. A pain so excruciating that all she could do was scream.

And then...

And then the last light went out in her soul.

END OF CHAPTER FOUR