Chapter four
The words pierced him like a knife. A severe spell of dizziness washing over Dougie as he stared blankly at his 'friends'. He didn't move in fear of falling over, instead remaining stationary; softly shaking his head from side to side as he gazed at each of their faces. Concern washed over their features and it was clear that their motives were due only from intense worry; they wanted to help him. But to Dougie there was only one way to describe what they were suggesting; and that was betrayal.
Did they not think that he was capable of looking after his own daughter? A daughter that he helped to create. He didn't know what was worse; being blamed for Isabelle's death or hearing that her one wish should be ignored. She obviously had every ounce of trust in him to even contemplate sacrificing her own life for that of their unborn daughter; she believed in him and now he just had to find it in himself to trust her belief; to believe in himself. He knew it would be hard, and he knew at times he would feel like giving up but he couldn't, because giving up would mean letting Isabelle down and that would be a disappointment he wasn't sure he could deal with.
Harry let out a low cough and raised an eyebrow alerting Dougie that their were still people in the room with him. They all stood looking uneasy, not knowing what so say and that was how it remained until a small whimper echoed around the spacious room that any form of movement was made. Dougie was up off of the floor faster than any of the other boys could even consider heading towards the small cot in the corner of the room. Tom watched as the young boy hurried around attending to his daughter. A small smile playing in the corners of his mouth as he busied himself checking that Elsie was okay. Tom let his gaze rest on Harry, a frown etched upon his features as he too watched the lad. He was sure it was just bitterness at the fact that his sister was gone and he was just as sure that soon Harry would be back to his usual chirpy state; he had to be in order to help Dougie and the truth was even though he didn't want to admit it, Dougie needed all the help he could get his inexperienced hands onto.
Once he was completely satisfied that his daughter was content he turned himself around so that once again he was facing the other lads. Danny shot him a lopsided smile, the contagious kind that normally Dougie wouldn't have even had to think about returning, it came so naturally; but not anymore, his smile was weak, false.
His eyes dull and lifeless, etched with exhaustion. He was a mess and he knew it. He also knew that the other lads were right in the fact that he needed help, but how could he confess it when Isabelle had trusted him?
If she didn't want the boys looking after Elsie how would she have felt about a complete stranger coming in to look after her?
There was so many questions he wanted to ask her, so many queries that he knew she could clear up in a split second and yet he was still clinging on hopelessly to the fact that he could do this on his own.
He wanted so desperately to hate her for leaving him, he wanted to have been there to tell her she was making a mistake. But more than that he wanted to tell her how much he loved her, how he regretted arguing over petty things, how he was planning on asking her to marry him and numerous other things that he would never get chance to tell her.
His eyes clouded over as yet more tears threatened to fall, but he had to stay strong; not just for himself but for Elsie.
"Doug, we're just trying to help, we're not saying that you should give her up, just that maybe it would do her good to… she needs a mother figure in her life Doug, you can't deprive her of that."
Dougie didn't show any signs of responding to what the elder boy was saying.
Tom chewed his bottom lip slightly, his brown eyes emitting concern. He knew that his and the other lads presence was only forcing more worry upon Dougie; worry that he wasn't good enough; extra worry that he didn't need.
"Tom's right man, plus what about work? How are you going to…"
"Enough ok… I get the message. But she's my daughter, mine and Isabelle's daughter. None of you know what I'm going through right now, you don't know how confusing it is, it's not just me I have to think about anymore I have to consider what she would have wanted if she was…"
He trailed off, unable to bring himself to state what was already obvious. Harry was the next person to intervene.
"She was my sister. Don't you dare tell me how I don't feel. I loved her and every day has been a like a nightmare; like I'm waiting to wake up and find out that none of it is real, it's all a bad dream. I was supposed to protect her and I wasn't there. So you can argue all you want that I don't know what I'm saying because I don't have a daughter but don't for one second try and tell me that I don't know what you're going through. Because I know only too well."
Harry held back a sob before storming passed Dougie and out of the room.
Tom slowly walked over and patted the younger boy on the shoulder whispering into his ear; no doubt telling him not to take it personally, that Harry was just upset. Before he glanced over his shoulder and waited for Danny follow. Dougie needed time to think things through; he had decisions to make and this time he had to make them by himself.
Once the house was empty Dougie carried himself over to the couch and let himself fall into the large cushions, grabbing one and holding it tight to his chest protectively. He was still only a boy himself, he wasn't ready to be a father; let alone a single parent. But yet no matter how hard it was or how shit it made him feel he wouldn't give it up for the world. Elsie was his only recollection of all the memories he and Isabelle shared. She was his world now and he wasn't about to give it up; not for anybody.
There was no doubting that he needed help though, he couldn't continue as he was doing; the lads were right it was tearing him apart. Seeing his reflection in the mirror had come as a shock; he knew he hadn't been taking as much pride in his appearance as of late but he never realized he had let himself go completely. He had been far too preoccupied with Elsie, her needs always coming before his own.
He sighed not knowing how to fix things; he wanted so badly to make everybody happy but at the same time his main wish was to stand by what Isabelle would have wanted him to do.
It was proving to be a difficult task when really he wanted nothing more than to have her by his side.