IV. Count the Ways

Alexandra Flaherty stood from her desk, heavy and round with her unborn child. Goren made a concentrated effort to keep his eyes on the file in front of him; to not trace her movements with his eyes.

"Hey, Bobby?" Alex' voice was studiously neutral. When he looked up at her, her features were carefully blank. Goren felt a sinking sense of despair settle in his stomach.

"Yeah?"

"What do you say we go grab some lunch? I wanna talk to you about something."

More cause for worry. Their relationship had been off since Alex had announced she and Joe were trying to get pregnant.

Goren kept his features as carefully neutral as hers. "Yeah, of course. Is there...Is there something wrong?"

Alex flashed him a smile, genuine and unstrained, and he felt the knot in his gut loosen.

"No, I just wanted to run something by you."

His eyebrows rose, twin curlicued question marks on his worried forehead. "Well, that can't be good."

Alex smiled. "Anyone ever tell you that you worry too much, Goren?"

He stood and started to gather his papers, sweeping them into his battered portfolio. "Matter of fact, Flaherty, there's this gal I work with who tells me all the time. I mostly ignore her. It's hard to take someone as small as she is seriously, you know."

Alex laughed, and Goren relaxed even more. It had been a while since they had shared banter like this.

She pressed a hand to her rounded belly and pointed a finger at him. "Do not make me laugh like that. I think my water almost broke."

The sheer panic that erupted over Bobby's features set her off on another round of laughter. They exited the office together and the sound of her amused laughter followed them all the way down.

-
-

They had lunch at a local restaurant, one where every waitress seemed to be on a first named basis with Goren. After the third one had stopped by to 'say hello,' Alex raised an eyebrow at him.

"Been busy lately, Bobby?"

Bobby ducked his head, seemingly embarrassed by the amount of attention the decidedly younger women were bestowing upon him. Keeping his tone light, he shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Well, what can I say, Flaherty? My best gal is going and ditching me in a month or so. A guy has to have a look around for replacements, you know."

Alex smiled at him. "That's sweet, but if you keep referring to me as 'gal' I will deck you, and you know I'm good for it Bobby."

"Your husband would love that."

"Yeah, no shit. He'd have a video camera rolling and be selling beer and popcorn at the premier."

Goren flashed her a tight smile. It was no secret that Joe Flaherty held a certain amount of animosity towards him. Goren had tried to keep himself away from his partner's husband as much as he could. He did not want to make things difficult for her, but in their line of work it was sometimes difficult to maintain distance.

Alex cleared her throat uncomfortably. "Listen, Goren, I wanted to ask you something. And you don't have to say yes just 'cause I'm asking you. It's a big responsibility, so don't think you're obligated to accept or anything."

"Flaherty, you're making me nervous here."

"I wanted to ask you if you would consider being the Bump's godparent." The words came out in a rush.

Bobby blinked and watched Alex twist her napkin.

"It's not just holding the kid while the priest pours water over his head, though. It means ball games and recitals or whatever, and talking to it about whatever problems it can't talk to me and Joe about and being family, so feel free to turn it down if you think you can't handle all that."

He blinked again. "I'm sorry. Bump?"

"It's what Joe and I call the Baby." Alex's voice had taken a decidedly defensive tone.

Cocking his head to one side, he reiterated, "Bump?"

Alex threw her hands up in despair before crossing them over her belly. "Well, we haven't come up with a name yet. Joe wants to name the kid after his dad, and I love my father-in-law, but I don't really want to name my son Seamus. And anyway, we're not sure if it even is a boy. And we had to call it something."

"Yes, I know. But bump?"

"Hey, do you want the job or not? This kid's going to pop out and have a lot of aunties and uncles who are foaming at the mouth for the honor, so don't think you're my only option here, buster."

Goren blinked again.

"And stop blinking!" Alex snapped at him. "You look like a damn owl."

Bobby held his hands up and a show of surrender. "Okay, that one I'm chalking up to hormones. You only ever snap at me when you're cranky. And you're babbling"

"I am not."

They sat in silence, Alex with her arms crossed above her belly, Goren with his hands tapping distractedly on the tabletop.

"Why me?" He asked suddenly. "It's your first kid, and you've got all your brothers and sisters. So why me?"

"Because you'd look after my kid, Bobby. I know you, and you'd treat it as if it were your own."

One of Bobby's eyebrows rose. "And Joe's...okay…with this?"

Alex's mouth tightened to a thin line. Her husband was a conventional cop, and a somewhat jealous husband. He'd heard enough stories about Robert O. Goren to make him suspicious, and though there was no real basis for his feelings, it had caused some serious rough patches in their marriage.

"Joe…will come around. He may not like it, but he…understands…why I want you. You' take care of it. You'd love my kid."

His voice was low as he replied. "I already do, Flaherty. If only because it's yours."

That sat in silence, each absorbing the ramifications his confession, however slight, had caused.

Bobby sighed and rested his hands on the table. "I'll take the job, Flaherty. And I'll do right by your kid."

She reached across and slipped her hands over his clasping them tightly. "I never thought for a second you wouldn't."

Alex had not gone to confession in years. She hated the unnerving feeling of pouring her deepest secrets, the worst side of herself out to anyone.

She had once confessed to the priest at her parent's church exactly what she had let Danny Sullivan do the summer before junior year when her parents went away to Atlantic City. And deep down, she knew, she knew that despite God's unconditional love and forgiveness, Father Douglas had never looked at her the same way again. She had switched churches and gone twenty miles out of her way once a month to have her confession heard by a priest she did not know and who did not know her at a church across town for exactly that reason.

The corner booth she and bobby shared had the feel of a confessional, hones and raw and too close for comfort.

Alex had always made a point of making her confessions as thorough as possible. In her line of work, she figured it was best not to take any chances.

"Bobby…" Her voice faltered. "You deserve a woman who can give you picket fences and forevers. We both know that can never be me. So this is...this is what I can give you."

Goren nodded.

"I wonder sometimes," she continued. "I wonder what it would be like if I'd met you straight out of the academy, like I did Joe. Or what if the bullet Joe took a few years back had hit an inch to the left and I'd come to major case a widow. But I can't…I'm not that person, Bobby."

"You're a good woman, Flaherty." His words were so quiet she had to strain to hear them. "You're an honest woman. That's why I…" His voice trailed off and he shrugged uncomfortably.

They sat in silence for a few moments, before getting up from the table simultaneously. Neither wanted to stay in their corner booth confessional any longer; each afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and causing irreparable damage to the other.

-
-

The rest of their day was spent in relative silence. Their cases were, for the most part, wrapped. They spent their time reviewing paperwork and chasing down loose ends. When the day was over, they put their coats on and rode down the elevator together.

It was Bobby who broke the tacit agreement to silence.

"Flaherty." His voice was low. "If things had gone differently, you would have turned out differently, and I don't know if I would still love you if you were a different person than the person I know now. I respect your marriage, I really do. That..." he paused, exhaling a breath that was heavy with bitterness. "That's why I always call you...Flaherty. Even though you call me Bobby, I can't call you Alex. But I'm in love with you, and I …I thought...I just wanted you...to know."

She smiled at him, a small sad smile. "I know, Bobby. If I let myself, I would love you back."

Bobby blinked slowly in a way that communicated understanding to his partner. "Okay, "he said as the elevator doors opened and he stepped out into the parking garage. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, Bobby. Tomorrow"

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