Chapter 4: Pain

Nessie's POV

I woke up to barely rising sun the next morning. I nearly panicked when I looked at the time and thought I was running late for school. Then I realized that it was Saturday. What had prompted me to start school yesterday on a Friday? Oh right the school principal had thought it best for me to go earlier and 'get a feel of the school' before going into a full week.

I glanced at the calendar and felt my heart sink when I realized what day it was. November 15th. Like clockwork I could feel the sadness seeping into me. This was the one day of the year when I wanted nothing more then to simply crawl into a hole and die. Though usually I just settled for not getting out of bed except to do the bare necessities like use the bathroom and eat. I always missed school and work. I could never do anything on this day. This day was just much to painful for me to bare. I'd be lying if I said I had gotten over what happened on this day years ago. I never did and I was certain that I never would. Whenever I thought about what happened the pain always made me a raw motional wreck.

I looked around and barely registered the fact that I was in my mother's room. She had insisted, begged, and pleaded for me to stay the night here rather than return home. If I would've realized what today was then I would never have agreed to it. I didn't want my mom or any of my family to witness me this way. They would never understand the pain I felt especially on this day.

I buried myself underneath my covers, hoped and prayed, that I would be able to fall back asleep and my family would just leave me alone for the day. When the sleep didn't come I was cursed with the awful memories. The images replayed themselves in my head like a broken record. Reliving the memory each year was just as painful as the day that it happened.

I threw the blankets over my body and closed my eyes but that did nothing to lessen the memories or the pain. It never did. Suddenly I felt the blankets being ripped off of my body. Well so much for hoping that my family would leave me alone today. It was a vain hope but it was still a hope nonetheless.

"Nessie get up," mom said.

"Don't wanna," I complained while trying my best to hide my pain.

"Well you don't have a choice. Alice has been insisting on having a 'girls day out' all morning long. Your aunts want to spend time with you. I want to spend time with you. Even your grandmother is joining because she wants to spend time with you,"

"Mom please just leave me alone. I don't want to go out today," I was so close to losing it and I was afraid if she kept pressing on I was going to snap entirely and I didn't want that. It wouldn't be fair to her. My pain was my own to bear and I shouldn't take it out on her.

"Nessie come on everyone is waiting-"

"Mom just stop will you!" my whole body was trembling slightly and I started crying. I couldn't hold it in anymore.

Mom first looked at me in shock and confusion then worry. Nothing but pure worry was written all over her face. This is exactly the kind of thing that I wanted to avoid.

"Nessie baby what's wrong?"

"Nothing," I simply replied.

"Nothing? Nessie don't lie to me. I'm your mother and I'm very worried right about you right now. Will you tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing mom. I will be fine, okay?"

"Saying 'I will be' implies that you are not fine at this very moment so can you please tell me what is bothering you so that I can help you?"

"Mom I'm sorry but I don't think you or anyone can help me with this. No one will understand,"

"How do you know that I will not understand exactly baby?"

"Because," I started to cry. "It's painful and no one will understand that kind of pain so please just leave me alone. I don't want to talk about it, okay?"

She sighed. "No its not okay honey. You being in pain and me not knowing why is not okay and it never will be okay. I'm worried about you right now and until you tell me what's going on I'm not going to leave you alone,"

I stayed silent. Hoping that she would give up. When she didn't leave after 15 minutes though I knew that she was not going to give in. She would not leave me alone until I told her everything.

I took a deep breath. "You're not giving up are you?"

She gave me a sorrowful smile. "When it comes to me trying to figure out what's going on with you then no I will never give up. Sweetie just tell me what's going on will you?"

My eyes started to sting from the tears but I had to stay strong. At least stay strong enough to tell her what was going on. It was hard since I had never revealed this to anyone. I had done a good job of keeping it bottled up all these years. Most days I was fine. However, there were still plenty of days I felt nothing but grief especially on the anniversary which today was.

"Okay mom. I'll tell you. As hard and painful as it is I will tell you even though I don't think you'll fully understand,"

"Nessie just tell me. Please,"

"I have been pregnant ten times,"

That was definitely not what my mother had been expecting me to say but that's where I had to start my story.

"You've been pregnant ten-"

"Yes mom I've been pregnant ten times-"

"But how-"

"The same way most women get pregnant. By having sex. But mom that's not the point of the story here,"

"Oops sorry honey. I was just a little surprised. That's all. So you have ten kids?"

"No I miscarried nine of them and the tenth-" I had to stop talking for a moment because I was close to having an emotional meltdown. I had to gather myself before I continued. "The tenth baby I carried to term and delivered successfully. It was a boy. My little Henry. I was happy. I wanted to be a mother and I was happy that I finally had a baby of my own. I loved him to death. I don't know what happened but he got sick and he died two days after born. Two days! He died in my arms. I held him and watched him as he took his last breath and I felt so helpless because there was nothing that I could do,"

I was in tears by the end of my story. I was barely even aware of when my mother's arms wrapped around my body and hugged me tightly. I didn't know how long my mom held onto me and let me cry but it felt like forever.

"How long ago did this happen?" she asked sounding very sad.

"Today is the seventh anniversary of his death. I never really got over it honestly. I know that,"

"Honey I know what its like to lose a kid. I lost you remember? I thought you were dead,"

"But you didn't lose an infant,"

"But you were only a few months old and you're still my daughter no matter what,"

"My son didn't even have that long. He only got two days and he was sick most of that time. I studied medicine and I still couldn't figure out a way to save him,"

"You've kept this pain bottled up all this time haven't you?" she asked me sadly.

"I've never told anyone about my baby boy until now. No one understands that kind of pain so why even bother trying to talk about it? After nine miscarriages I finally deliver a live baby and he dies two days later. I want to be a mom but I can't have a healthy baby for some reason. It's all so painful," I cried.

"You'll be fine baby. I promise you,"

"Now you see why I don't want to be bothered today?"

"Yes but that is not going to happen,"

"What?"

"Honestly I think spending some time with me, your aunts, and your grandmother will benefit you today. Try talking to Rosalie and Esme they'll understand what you're feeling especially your grandmother. Trust me,"

I didn't know what my mom was talking about but at this point it was just easier to roll with it.

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