disclaimer: disclaimed.
words: 2,020.
summary: and now, this just a rumor but I think it's absolutely true and so does my brother and so does James - Lysander fancied Lucy as well, but neither Lucy nor Lorcan know about it because Lysander is too much of a good guy to do anything about it. Which is where Fred, James and I come in. / lucy&lysander, through the eyes of Roxanne.

The Tale of How I, Being a Brilliant Genius, Got Two People Who Were Meant To Be Dating, Together.

lucy&lysander

/

Right, so. Here's how it goes:

Lucy Margot Weasley and the Scamander twins have been best friends since they met, which was when they were born, since they were both birthed out of their mothers wombs within twenty-four hours each other and in the same hospital and our families were so close that my relatives brought the three of them in one room and that's how it began. Molly would have been friends with them as well if she didn't have so much of her father in her and thus have so much pride that she wouldn't even associate with them because of the age difference, though they are only two years younger. (As it happens, she comes up with only slightly better excuses as she gets to her teen years: They're jackasses, she'd say; Complete and utter tools. Lucy, I don't understand why you would like them etc etc etc.) So, pretty much, it ended up with Lucy and the two boys as a trio and the rest of us - the Weasley's, I mean, and Teddy, but he's pretty much one of us - didn't really think much about it because it just seemed natural for them to end up being together because of the age thing. It also seemed completely and utterly natural (and predictable and annoying and like every cliche in the book with the best friends falling in love with each other) when Lucy and Lorcan ended up dating.

It also seemed natural when Lysander, now separated from who he thought would be his best friends for freaking life and silently declared the third wheel, began haunting around Hogwarts like he was already a ghost because - and now, this just a rumor but I think it's absolutely true and so does my brother and so does James - he fancied Lucy as well, but neither Lucy nor Lorcan know about it because Lysander is too much of a good guy to do anything about it.

Which is where Fred, James and I come in.

We have planned the perfect way for Lysander to win the girl (we all agree he'd be much better with Lucy than his brother) and he won't even have to know about it. All he has do to is be at the right place at the right time but James will make sure of that, so there's really nothing that can go wrong.

Crap, something's going to go wrong now because I said it wouldn't, isn't it?

/

"Move your elbow."

"Move your leg."

"It's crushing my lungs, which I kind of need to breath."

"It's crushing my boobs, which I was both blessed and cursed with."

"Ugh. Fine. You win."

I smile as I hear him shift his position. "Thanks, bro." He mumbles something that I don't understand, but I imagine it's something unpleasant and involving more then a few cuss words.

I suppose I forgot to tell you where we were. We're in a hallway, by the way, in a dark nook of a hallway between a thing of armor and the wall, and Fred and I are kneeling down on the floor waiting for the perfect moment, which I hope will be soon because my feet/knees/everything is falling asleep from staying in this position for so long.

It's been a week and now, at Lucy and Lorcan's two and a half month anniversary which is apparently a Very Big Thing or at least so said Lucy in an argument during breakfast this morning with Lorcan (Seriously? Who celebrates that kind of thing? I side with Lorcan for once.), and we are scheduled to attack. Fred and I are poised and ready while James is off distracting Lysander with mundane conversation at the end of the hallway or more likely something along the lines of, "dude, look at her," when a girl walks by because James is James and that's just the kind of thing he does. The two love birds are at the opposite side of the corridor and arguing, still. Fred and I are in the middle listening to the events unfolding.

"How could you not think this is important, Lorcan?" Lucy is screaming at this point, and the acoustics of Hogwarts doesn't make it any better because her words echo off the walls. I'm sure other people can hear her who are not within twenty feet of her. "Did you know my own sister bet against us? She bought in that ridiculous pool that James has started along with all of my other cousins who are supposed to be my family and who are supposed to be supporting us!"

I wish I could see them, but it's Fred's job to say when. I regret making him in charge.

"Sh, Lucy." Lorcan is surprisingly calm even though he has the dragon spouting fire at him.

But that calm does not rub off on his girlfriend, who continues to yell and eventually all off the words blur into a jumble of sounds so I'm taken by surprise when Fred, as he leaps up into their view, says, "Shit, Roxanne, what do you think you were doing him? Are you really that desperate?"

This is all part of The Plan. I'm supposed to act like I've been sleeping around with our best non-blood related friend, Donovan Finnegan, and Fred is supposed to have just found out. I follow him out of the nook.

"Look, Fred," I begin, pointing my finger at him. I am close enough that his chest and my finger are almost touching. Ick. "I know you're my brother and all - "

He points at himself. "I'm your twin, Roxanne. We have a better bond because of that."

" - But I sure as hell can take care of myself, just like how Donovan can take care of himself. How would you like it if I told you who you could and could not date?"

"You're not dating, Roxanne, you're just fucking each other!"

"Whoa, you guys." This is James, trying to cut in. He brings Lysander with him, which is good, and who looks worried. He tries to shoot glances towards his brother and Lucy as if trying to say, What do we do? "Just take it easy a minute, okay?"

Fred turns to James. "Tell Roxanne that she and Donovan are completely and utterly fucked up and would never work! They're both afraid of commitment and everyone knows that!"

Okay. Ouch. That was a surprise and I'm not sure why it hurts that much. Yes, none of my relationships have lasted longer then a month but the guys were all wrong. It's not because I wasn't ready. Honestly. But you want to get real, Fred? I can get real.

I laugh. "We're afraid of commitment? This coming from the guy who slept around with the majority of our year last year behind his girlfriend's back and tried to deny it when she found out! Some Gryffindor you are, huh, Freddie?" I feel kind of bad when I see his face, but I don't dare apologize. That would throw the whole thing off.

I hear footsteps. "Roxanne, calm down. Everyone just calm down," Lorcan throws in. Oh good. That brought the lovebirds in.

"Rox, what's happening? Are you really sleeping with him?" This is from Lucy.

"Yes," I say in an irritated tone. "Donovan Xavier Finnegan and I are sleeping with each other. Whenever we can, too. During classes. In between classes. At night, during the day. We can't keep our fucking hands off each other. Spread the fucking word, I don't give a damn who knows!"

There is silence. I assume I must have been pretty intimidating.

"Fuck, Roxanne," Lorcan says as he tries to put a hand on me, but I step back. "Just take a breath, okay?"

"You stay out of this, Scamander," Fred says as he steps up to him.

"Look, Fred, I'm just trying to - "

"This is none of your fucking business, Lorcan!" Fred yells at him. "Just because you're in relationship doesn't mean you get to give us advice! And let's not forget that your first relationship didn't exactly end well." Way to get personal, Fred. Way to hit low.

And that's when Lorcan throws a punch that misses, but regardless the two boys begin fighting and rolling on the ground and Lucy is screaming and James turns to me and says, still true to The Plan, "Are you proud of yourself now, Roxanne?" And it's when Lysander slowly crosses around the boys fighting to get Lucy and then the two of them run around the corner to get away from the fight and I think, job well done, Roxanne, job well done, and that's when James gives me a wink and I smile back but Fred and Lorcan are still rolling on the ground and it's like Fred's hand has a magnet that's attracted to Lorcan's skin. Finally, finally, finally Professor McCoy comes in and pulls the two apart with slight difficulty and the two of them are sent down to the Headmaster's office, but we all expected this when we made The Plan, so nothing surprising there.

The two boys look completely rotten as they are both being pulled apart and I know that my brother will be spending at least a day in the infirmary along with Lorcan, but that, too, was expected. Lorcan gives James and I dirty looks as McCoy grabs both of them by the arm and leads them away.

/

Lysander is hunched over like a vulture over the table and playing with his intertwined fingers in the library, laughing as he and Lucy talk.

It has been a month since the fight, and almost immediately, Lucy dumped Lorcan. It took a little over a week for Lysander to get the girl and a little over two and a half weeks for Lorcan to not have a visible black eye.I hear that the two brothers don't talk anymore. Well, everything has a price. Fred recovered almost immediately and was in classes again after one day of being gone. According to him, Lorcan isn't a good fighter. Somehow I'm not surprised.

I lean back in my chair as I watch the two, happy that my job turned out well despite the possible jinx I put on it earlier. Lucy's head bobs back as she laughs, which makes Lysander laugh, and they are both silenced by the librarian after a few seconds. Job well done, Roxanne, job well done. I'm chewing the top of my quill and thinking about how Lorcan probably won't be coming to any Weasley-and-Friends parties for a while when Donovan slides into the chair next to me.

"So," he says as he puts his books down. I lean forward, making the chair's legs land back on the floor. "I hear we're fucking each other? That we can't keep our hands off each other and that your brother isn't too happy about that."

Shit.

I knew there was something that we forgot - we forgot to include Donovan. Damnit. That was a rookie mistake, we should have caught that. But it made sense that he heard this, because he hadn't really been around Fred and I since the fight.

"Crap," I reply as I drop my quill and lean towards him. "Okay, so, Donovan this is what actually happened, I think we both know that we never fucked each other -"

"But you would like it, admit it." He smirks at me and I scoff.

"You're full of yourself. Anyways, it goes like this - "

He stands with his books in his arms. "Look, Roxanne, while I obviously know that we never slept each other, I'm not saying that it wouldn't be fun. And I'm definitely not saying that you wouldn't enjoy it or that I wouldn't enjoy it, okay?" He walks away smugly and it's so Donovan that I want to puke.

I lean over the table, putting my head in my hands and massaging my forward because I suddenly have a splitting headache. "Fuck."

This is a problem.