hey look at that. Second update in 2 days. would have been uploaded yesterday but then our wifi crashed and i was too lazy to go refresh it. Don't judge, i'm sick.

anyway, this was almost done in october or something, but then i forgot about it and i've been busy, so yeah.

I personally don't really think this is particurlarly good, and it's angsty (duh).

here it is anyway :)

Kendall came up to the coach and captain of the hockey team the day after, suggesting that they gave Logan a shot. Well, without saying his name specifically.

The captain of the team, one of Jett's best friends, just laughed at him. "What, you think that just because you were captain at your old team, you can just come here and expect to make decisions? Well, guess what. That's not how it works," the guy Kendall believed was named Bryson, the hockey captain, said.

"Bryson," the coach said sharply, abruptly shutting him up, "now, Kendall you do know that the season has already started and we have a full team as it is."

"I'm aware of that, but this guy is really good. I played with him for hours yesterday, and I can honestly tell you that he is better than half the guys already on the team. He managed to get a good deal of goals passed me, even if I tried my best to stop him," Kendall explained. Bryson huffed.

"That only shows your incompetence."

"Bryson! Drop the attitude. The only reason you're captain and not Kendall is the fact that you were already captain when he got here, so stop acting like you're so much better than him," Coach yelled, then turned to face Kendall, "what's this fabulous guy's name?"

"Logan."

"Logan what? There are lots of Logans in this school."

"Logan Mitchell," Kendall replied.

"The nerdy, straight A student?" Coach asked.

"Logan Mitchell?! You want that fucking faggot on the team?!" Bryson exclaimed.

"I do not tolerate that kind of language, Gossling. I am this close from yanking you off of the team," Coach said, holding his fingers a mere centimeter apart for emphasis. "Besides wether he likes girls or guys has absolutely nothing to do with his skills on the ice. If he's good he's good. That's all that matters. Tell your friend to be here at four PM sharp, and I'll see what he's good for. I might let him in if he's as good as you claim."

"Thank you, coach, I really appreciate it," Kendall said.

Getting on to the team proved not to be a problem at all, the coach even went so far as to say that Logan was just what they needed to once again have a shot at winning nationals. The moment Logan had stepped onto the ice, he had handled himself with such grace and skill that even Bryson reluctantly had to admit he was impressed, and Kendall really, really wanted to shout 'in your face, Bryson!' But of course he wouldn't – both because Kendall wouldn't be the gloating guy, and because at the end of the day, Bryson was the captain and a sort of authority figure.

Needless to say, Kendall was satisfied.

Starting on the hockey team wasn't half bad. Actually, Logan thought it was fun to be on a proper team for a change. Besides, an extracurricular like a sport would make his college application look even better. Logan also got to meet Carlos and James for the first time and his friend base had now tripled.

Jett and his friends were still attacking Logan, though. They guys were still picking on him; his main source of pain wasn't gone. Hence, the cutting didn't stop either, because Logan didn't feel like he was ever safe, he felt like he was a failure, like he was unwanted. Like nobody could ever love him. It seemed not even his own mother did.

Achieving a spot on the school's hockey team didn't help that. It's not like just one little change would magically fix everything. Logan knew that, he really did. But that didn't mean he didn't feel like he should be happy, like he was betraying some force of destiny or something. He didn't really know what it was exactly, or how to properly explain it, because really, how does one go about even attempting to explain what a depression feels like? How does one go about trying to explain that they feel utterly lost and alone, even in the midst of a crowd, even when they know they have things to be happy for? Or the breathtaking pain that engulfs your lungs and your entire chest, squeezing and tugging, morphing the emotional pain into something as physical as a heart attack – which was what Logan figured it felt like.

More importantly, how does one go about baring one's innermost thoughts to a person one hardly sees, a person one knows somewhere deep down won't actually care?

And so, Logan decided there really wasn't anything to tell, or rather there wasn't anyone to tell.

But that didn't mean he didn't feel guilty. Like, again, he was committing a crime against nature itself.

Logan had promised to be at every practice, promised Kendall he would, and Kendall knew he wasn't the type to break a promise.

Kendall couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. He didn't know what it was exactly, couldn't put his finger on it, but something was wrong. Then realization dawned upon him, like being hit by a wave of ice cold water and a brick wall at the same time: Logan was nowhere to be seen, his stuff wasn't in the locker room where he and his equipment should be. He should be at practice by this time. He always was.

Kendall was so caught up in mentally freaking out, and feeling like an idiot for it, that he might have jumped a bit as his phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out seeing it was a tweet update from Logan, and okay, maybe that was a bit stalker-ish, but truthfully, Kendall didn't really care.

"That's it, I give up… you win," the tweet read.

Kendall blinked in surprise, feeling all the blood drain from his head.

He knew what that sounded like. Maybe he hadn't been completely paranoid by freaking out. Or maybe he was just overreacting, but he had caught Logan cutting, Logan had told him about feeling worthless; like he had nothing to live for, and about all the bullies. So Kendall wasn't about to make any assumptions.

Knowing all of that, Kendall was now in full out panic.

He picked up his phone, typing in the number he knew a little too well for his own liking, though he didn't have time to worry about that. Right then, other things were much more important.

"Pick up, pick up," Kendall whispered, hoping, praying that it would make the brunette pick up the phone. But he didn't.

He tried again, but with the same result.

His heart twisted painfully and sped up, pounding so heavily in his chest it felt like it had somehow morphed into a sledge hammer. Fear flooded his veins as he tried calling Logan once again, only to reach his voice mail all over again.

Kendall dropped his ice skates, leaving them scattered behind, not caring what happened to them anymore, as Kendall took off running. He picked up his pace as he maneuvered through the deserted halls of the school, and before he knew it, he was sprinting with his phone clutched tightly to his ear dialing and redialing Logan's cellphone number.

His feet carried him where he assumed Logan would be – the old house where they first met. But as he burst through the door, he was met with nothing but a dust covered floor and old furniture the previous owners hadn't cared to bring with them.

There in a corner, he spotted a glimpse of silver – a razor blade covered in dried blood. Kendall fell to his knees feeling helpless and scared. He couldn't find Logan anywhere, and Kendall knew he still hated his life, that he obviously still cut himself – the razor blade on the floor was all the proof he needed. A salty tear drop fell to the floor, mingling with drops of dried blood and dust.

Breaking into sobs, Kendall did the only thing that felt natural, searched for the old guitar he kept around at the house and started playing, his fingers carrying out random chords morphing into a song he knew a little too well. But it fit so, so perfectly.

"There ain't no healing

From cutting yourself with the jagged edge

Laid out on the floor

And you're not sure you can take this anymore," Kendall sang, his voice raspy and rough and barley strong enough to press the words past his lips.

"If you can hear me now

I'm reaching out

To let you know that you're not alone," he sang, desperately wishing that Logan would somehow hear him. Just please… he mentally begged. Please.

"And if you can't tell I'm scared as hell

'Cause I can't get you on the telephone." Kendall couldn't help but to imagine the worst as tears slid down his checks, falling onto dried droplets of blood. He had already lost count of how many times he had called the other boy, far too many times for his liking. And true to the lyrics, he was scared, terrified. No, even terrified was an understatement. Just the thought of Logan… no, Kendall just couldn't lose him.

"So just close your eyes

Oh, honey here comes a lullaby

Your very own lullaby," Kendall sang on, this time a bit stronger, louder. If only Logan was here.

God, I wish Logan was here, he thought, his heart aching for the other boy. And Kendall was praying that he just forgot his phone downstairs at his house and was too wrapped up in a book to hear it constantly ringing. But the painful churning in his guts told him that wasn't very likely.

The thoughts of what was actually going on were far worse, and Kendall knew he couldn't go there. His heart just wouldn't be able to take it. Just couldn't take the thought of losing Logan.

"Please let me take you

Out of the darkness and into the light

'Cause I have faith in you

That you're gonna make it through another night

Stop thinking about the easy way out

There's no need to go and blow the candle out

Because you're not done

You're far too young

And the best is yet to come."

Kendall sang the words with all his might, putting his heart and soul into every single word, into every syllable, as if by some miracle it would make Logan hear the words, like it would prevent him from doing something stupid and permanent. So he kept on repeating a few lines; If you can hear me now, I'm reaching out. And if you can't tell I'm scared as hell, 'Cause I can't get you on the telephone, repeated them over and over, the words becoming a mantra as he prayed. Prayed that he would get to see Logan again, prayed that he would actually hear him.

Prayed that he wasn't too late.

All of a sudden he heard sniffling. His head jerking up, bright green eyes met dark chocolate brown.

"Logan," Kendall whispered, and just stared blankly at the gorgeous boy in front of him, gorgeous even with tear stained cheeks and scars covering his underarms, some old and faded and some fresh and bright. A few more seconds passed before Kendall's brain managed to process what was happening, Logan was there. He was alive! Though disheveled, he was alive.

Kendall jumped to his feet, a huge grin plastered on his face and arms wrapped around the other's neck.

"Oh my God, you're alive," Kendall laughed, a few tears rolling down his cheeks. "Promise me," Kendall breathed, his chest heaving a bit, as if he was the one with all the pain flooding his veins on a daily basis, "just promise me never to scare me like that again. I wouldn't be able to stand losing you."

Logan looked away, biting his lip to keep the tears in.

"I'm sure you would have been perfectly fine without me," Logan said.

The scary part, Kendall thought, was that Logan seemed to full-heartedly believe that – that Kendall would be perfectly fine without him in his life.

And Kendall almost could have sworn he heard the sound of his heart breaking.

"Logie, listen to me," Kendall said, laying a gentle hand on his cheek, letting his fingers drag across the soft skin of his check and down to the shorter boy's jawline, pulling his face towards Kendall, "if you died… If I lost you …"

Kendall let his tears fall as his voice cracked at the mere thought. "I would never be the same. I was so scared that I would never see you again, Logan. You have no idea. If I lost you… I can't even think of it, Logan, it just hurts too much. Just… Just trust me when I say the world would not be a better place without you, okay?" Kendall pleaded, pulling Logan even closer, his eyes lading on his lips for a second, admiring their perfect, plump shape. And that's when it really registered in his brain that Logan was there in his arms, flush against him and he may never get another chance like this. "I was so scared that I would never get to do this," he said before he plunged in for a kiss, their lips meeting in a soft gentle touch, before they both let go and dove in, hands roaming and tongues meeting in a hasty, intense and so powerful kiss. So, so powerful, and if there was any doubt of it before, Logan now knew for certain that Kendall loved him, truly loved him – the way that Logan had loved Kendall from the very beginning.

"I love you, Logan. And I was too scared to tell you that before, but when I couldn't reach you after seeing that tweet, I was absolutely terrified of losing you and I realized how fragile life can be and I just have to say it. I fucking love you, so much more than I thought was possible, but it is and I wouldn't change it for the world."

A bright smile spread across his lips, and for the first time since Kendall got to know him, it fully reached his eyes and Kendall's heart stopped. Logan had always been beautiful, but that smile, that sheer happiness (and love?) made him absolutely breath taking, and Kendall decided that if he could be the reason for that smile the rest of his life, he would die a happy man. "I love you too, Kendall. So much." And there was a sincerity to his words, telling Kendall that he really did mean it, and Kendall's heart now just felt like it was about to burst. "Will you be my boyfriend, Logan?"

"As if you really have to ask," Logan said, cracking a smile – a genuine heartfelt smile, one Kendall had never seen until that very moment.

Kogan happened, yay!