By the time Duncan found a place to make camp, it was well past suppertime, and the small forest on the north side of Lake Calenhad Docks was dark. Even the glow of the magical light in the mage's hand did little to penetrate the shadow. Alistair cursed under his breath when he tripped over the second stump since he and Solona were sent deeper into the glade for firewood. While the other three men pitched their tents, Alistair was made to gather wood as penance for not setting up camp before nightfall.
The young Warden wasn't really sure why Duncan sent the mage with him to complete the task, but she was certainly no help at all. She made no effort to gather branches or twigs. She didn't even attempt to keep up with Alistair so he could see. She just walked along behind him, holding the orb in such a way that she wouldn't stumble in the darkness.
At least she's not complaining, he told himself in an effort to find some redeeming quality in the woman. Sure, she was beautiful, but from what he had seen so far, that beauty didn't permeate her alabaster skin. Since joining them only an hour or so before, the mage hadn't said a word to anyone. Even Duncan she only gave a small nod of acknowledgement to when he gave her the order to follow Alistair into the grove. He would have given his left nut to have Daveth standing out there holding a torch instead of putting up with Solona's frosty countenance.
As he was stooped over to pick up a pile of twigs, Alistair heard rustling in the nearby trees ahead. Whatever it was, it was large. He knew great bears were prominent in that part of Ferelden, and he certainly didn't want to take the chance of needing to fight one in the dark. So, instead of drawing attention to himself by telling the mage to douse her light, he simply used his templar abilities to interrupt the flow of her mana.
There was a sharp gasp from behind, followed by dead silence. The warrior concentrated on his forward area, but heard nothing. He knew it wasn't his imagination. There had definitely been something, and he was positive it hadn't moved on yet. The Warden nearly jumped from his skin when he heard Solona's harsh whisper in his right ear.
"Why didn't you mention you were a ruddy templar?" she demanded.
He licked his lips before he placed an index finger across them then used it to point at the thicket of trees ahead. She remained quiet and still for only a few moments before waggling her head and turning her right palm out toward the place which Alistair had indicated.
Almost immediately the sound of broken branches and something heavy landing among dead leaves echoed in the coppice. Alistair held his breath awaiting the backlash of the ruckus, but there was nothing. Solona called the glowing orb back into her palm and moved toward the place her spell had hit while the former initiate stayed where he was.
After examining her victim, she turned her face to him, her brow arced with annoyance. "Is this what you were so afraid of? A little deer?"
Alistair made his way to her side and inspected the animal. It was a deer alright, a buck with at least twelve points to its rack, not exactly what he would have called a little deer. He shrugged.
"I thought it may have been a bear."
She scowled. "Can't you tell the difference?"
"Not in the dark," he retorted. His tone was a bit harsher than he intended, but she was being unreasonably critical. "I heard a noise and it sounded like something big. It could have been a bear. How in the void was I supposed to know?"
The mage folded her arms across her chest. The expression she wore was one of bored impatience as she sucked her teeth at him. "I thought perhaps you were one of those men who feels he needs to prove his manliness by killing innocent creatures. You certainly look the part."
Alistair's brow furrowed in confusion. What in the bloody void was that supposed to mean? The two of them hadn't said a word to each other before he heard the deer making noise. He wondered if it was because she thought he was a templar. She was a Circle mage after all, and had been dealing with templars for a good number of years. Perhaps she was basing her assumptions on that.
"Look," he explained. "I'm not a templar. Alright? I was an initiate. I never got around to the part where I took my vows."
She shrugged. "I didn't say that because you were a templar. I said it because you appear to be a man of limited intelligence who has to prove his worth with less scholarly pursuits."
Alistair's lids fluttered as he considered her words. She just called him an idiot, in a very long winded manner, but she definitely called him an idiot. In the monastery, he had been taught to respect women, that they were the more delicate sex and therefore should be treated with kindness and tolerance. Solona, however, was beginning to push the limits of Alistair's patience.
"I'm sorry," she said after waiting only a few seconds for his reply. "Were the words I used too complicated for you? Do you need me to interpret them in simpler terms?"
"No," he huffed. "I got what you were saying…loud and clear."
"Good," she retorted. "Perhaps you're not as dense as I imagined."
The Warden inhaled a deep breath. Like most people, she thought he was a simpleton. She had known him only a few hours and already dismissed him as a fool. Maybe she was right. Maybe they all were. His agitation waned.
"Duncan's probably wondering where we are. Maybe we should head back to camp now."
She gave him a condescending, tight-lipped smile. "Sure. Whatever you say, Alistair."
He looked down at the body of the animal and grimaced. "So what should we do with this thing? I really don't want to have to drag it all the way back, but I feel bad just leaving it here to rot."
"It's not dead," the mage informed him.
"But the spell…"
"I appreciate that you think I have the power to kill anything with a single spell," she retorted. "But I know of no mage who could accomplish such a thing." He stared at her blankly, waiting for her to continue her explanation. "Don't they teach templars anything about magic except how to negate it?" When he didn't answer what he assumed was her rhetorical question, she rolled her eyes. "It was a sleep spell. I put the beast to sleep."
"Oh…alright."
"Look," she seethed. "I'm very cold and I'm very tired, and quite frankly, I don't want to talk to you anymore. Now, can we please get back to camp before I have to light you on fire for some semblance of warmth? I'm sure you would make lovely kindling, but I'm afraid the smell would be more than I could stand."
Alistair pursed his lips, flourished a slight bow, and gestured for her to lead the way. She stomped forward a few paces, then turned her head to look at him over her shoulder. "By the way, if you ever negate one of my spells again, you won't live to regret it."
He gave a heavy, perturbed sigh then followed her to where the wood he had gathered earlier lay and scooped it up into his arms. Once his burden was secure, the two silently made their way back to the clearing where the others were waiting. The young Warden dumped his bundle next to a shallow hole someone had dug and began arranging the logs and kindling inside the pit. Once he was satisfied with the placement of the firewood, he used the flint and steel kit he kept in a pouch at his waist along with a good amount of dried grass to light it. Within moments, a flame roared to life.
"Thank the Maker," Jory said as he moved closer to the fire. "I was afraid we'd freeze before you returned."
"Sorry it took so long," Alistair apologized. "We ran into some trouble."
He waited for Solona to argue, to tell the others the truth, but she just stood there quietly warming her hands and staring into the blaze. At first, he was relieved she kept his secret, but upon closer observation, he realized she probably didn't hear the exchange.
As haughty and aloof as she had been up to that point, Alistair recognized something else in her as she studied the flame engulfing the wood he had collected. There was sorrow in her lapis blue eyes, a sadness unlike he had ever seen in anyone before. She was suffering from real emotional pain. Pain she attempted to hide with apathy and arrogance.
After a time, Solona's gaze finally turned to meet his, and he realized he must have been watching her intently when her whole countenance shifted. Her poignant expression changed to one of outrage as if he had uncovered a secret she never intended to reveal. Her nostrils flared and her lips curled into a sneer. She glared at him through narrowed lids for several moments before spinning on her heel and marching toward the area where the tents were erected and found her neatly rolled up shelter and sleep sack.
He stood by the fire for a time, observing her struggle with the large piece of canvas and the six poles of varying lengths. When she finally got so frustrated that she chucked one of the poles at Jory and Daveth's tent and caused it to collapse, Alistair decided it was probably time to offer his aid. He strode over to where she was trying to make sense of the canvas itself and emitting a string of curses under her breath.
"Need a hand?" he asked.
She turned her back to him and continued fussing with the large piece of material. "I've got it."
He stepped closer and put a hand to her shoulder. "Come on, just let me..."
The mage rounded on him with glistening eyes and tear stained cheeks. "I said I've got it," she hissed through gritted teeth. "Now leave me the fuck alone."
Alistair threw up his hands and backed away. "Sorry," he relented. "I was just trying to help." She returned to her task, but in her frustration, she was just making it worse. "Are you alright?" he pressed. "Would you like to talk about it?"
"Of course I don't want to talk about it," she seethed. "Especially not to someone like you."
Her shoulders lifted and fell with each heavy breath as her body trembled, and Alistair couldn't tell if she was sobbing or furious. Perhaps both. He circled to walk away. With her maltreatment of him, he knew he should, but he just couldn't help but feel sorry for her.
Wordlessly, he retrieved the scattered poles from the ground and put them together. Then, without waiting for her permission, he took the fastening straps from her fingers and began to tie them together. He expected she would snatch them from him, but she didn't. She just stood there in quiet observation. Once he was finished with that task, he straightened the corners of the canvas and folded it in preparation for the poles. Solona never met his eyes the entire time he maneuvered his way around the collapsed shelter, but she seemed more embarrassed than angry.
When the task was finally completed, Alistair moved to her side and placed his hands on his hips. He peered over at her from the corner of his eye. She straightened her robes and cleared her throat.
"Thank you," she said in a crisp tone.
"I take it you've never set up a tent before."
She scowled. "Of course I haven't. I've not stepped foot outside the tower since I was five."
Alistair was genuinely surprised by her admission. He was aware that some among the magically gifted were discovered at younger ages, but five? To be torn away from everyone she knew at such a tender age, it was no wonder she was so defensive.
"I'm sorry," he proffered.
Her brow arched haughtily, donning her mask of emotional aegis once again. "Don't be. I neither need nor want your pity."
"It wasn't about pity," he attempted to explain. "It's just that…well I just thought…" He waggled his head, vexed that he didn't know how to talk to the woman. "Never mind." He pointed to the larger of the poles he had assembled. "Grab that." She did as he commanded, and he threaded it through a long opening across the right edge of the canvas. "Now the other two."
After she passed one to him, he pushed the long spike at the end of it into the small hole in the ridge pole. "Now do the same to the other side."
She obeyed his order without argument and took the rod to the opposite edge. "Like this?" she asked as she buried the spike into the longer pole.
"Exactly," he told her with the hint of a smile. "Alright, in that small bag over there, you'll find some metal spikes and a hammer. Use the hammer to drive the stakes through the grommets at the four corners."
Solona worked quickly, burying each stake into the ground in turn. With the force she used to wield that hammer, Alistair knew she was taking out some of her fury and frustration on those spikes. He wondered what could have happened to her to fill her with so much rage and asperity at such a young age. Sure, she was a mage stuck in the Circle since she was five, that alone would be enough to make some people angry, but he couldn't help but believe there was something more to it than that. Much more.
When she was finished with the stakes, Alistair crouched once again and took hold of the leg pole in the front. He didn't need to say a word to Solona. She simply followed his lead by grabbing the other. He gave a terse nod, and the two of them lifted the poles upright and buried them into the ground almost simultaneously.
Alistair stood and dusted off his hands. "There. All set."
Solona brushed the dirt from the bottom of her robes then wiped her own hands clean. There was not even a hint of a smile, but Alistair thought he recognized a semblance of gratitude among all the darker emotions swirling within those lapis eyes. When she spoke, however, her tone retained its usual indifference.
"I appreciate your aid."
"No problem." He flashed a lopsided, boyish grin. "I hope you were paying close attention. Next time I expect you to do this all on your own."
It was a joke of course. He would have helped her anytime she needed, but the narrowing of her eyes told him he said the exact wrong thing. She glared at him for what felt like an eternity. His face grew hot in the frigid night air, and he swore he felt beads of perspiration forming along his hairline. Just when he was getting ready to call on his templar abilities to protect himself from the spell he was certain she was about to throw at him, her face took on a contemptuous expression. She crossed her arms over her chest and rested her weight on her right hip and leg.
"In case you've already forgotten," she began, her voice dripping with sarcasm and ice. "I never asked for your help. You volunteered your services and time without any prompt from me. The only reason I allowed you to aid me was because I realized I probably demoralized you earlier with my words and injured your male pride. I know how those of your sex can feel inferior if they are demeaned by a woman. Therefore, I felt the need for atonement. I determined that you must have some redeeming quality, and, judging by your muscle mass and limited intelligence, I concluded that you are probably better suited for manual labor. My only hope is that I have now made up for my earlier transgressions."
Alistair wanted to lash out at her for the insult. He wanted to scream at her, tell her what a bitch she was, but he just stood there staring into her eyes. Once again, he recognized the things she was attempting to hide-the pain, the anger…the fear. He placed his hand over his heart and pouted.
"Your words wound me, dear lady. Just look at me, my pride bleeding onto the ground." He feigned a sniffle and wiped the corner of his dry eyes with his gloved fingertips. "I'll never be the same again." He held out his fingers for her observation. "See? Tears. Real, manly tears. You made me cry. Now aren't you ashamed?"
Solona tried to hide it, but Alistair caught the hint of a smile on her lips. She rolled her eyes, but her countenance had softened.
"You're a ruddy fool," she told him. "You know that, don't you?"
He shrugged. "I tried to get a job as a court jester in a nobleman's house once, but I was told I was overqualified."
A small chuckle escaped her mouth, which she attempted to cover by clenching her lips between her teeth. He wasn't sure they would ever be friends, but he was grateful for the fact that he had managed to put a small crack in that icy shell of hers. No matter how miniscule, at least it was progress.
"Are you hungry?" he asked, trying to maintain the momentum. "Because if you are, we have a lovely selection of hardtack and dried pork."
She wrinkled her nose. "That sounds utterly unappetizing."
"No, it's great," he argued. "And the tack is multifunctional. You can either eat it or use it in a slingshot to pick off bandits. The stuff I had yesterday could have knocked an ogre down at a hundred paces." He rubbed his hand across his midsection. "Settled in my stomach like a brick though. I don't think I'll be able to shit for at least a week."
Then it happened. She laughed. Not a giggle or a chortle, but a true, unhindered laugh. For the first time since he met her, Alistair realized how beautiful the woman really was. For that fleeting moment, she was free of her emotional turmoil and actually let herself go. Perhaps having her there wouldn't be as much of a challenge as he had imagined. Maybe they could actually learn to get along…if she managed to survive the Joining.
With Solona in a better mood, Alistair suggested they return to the fire to get warm, but in the few steps it took to get back to the center of camp, the mage's mood shifted once again, and she reverted to her haughty guise. After settling herself onto a fallen log someone had pulled next to the firepit, she stared silently into the flames while Alistair rifled through his pack to find enough food for them both. Before he had the chance to retrieve the wrapped tack bread from the bottom of his sack, Duncan approached Solona with a small bundle of cloth that was tied with heavy string.
"These are your provisions," he told her. "I take it I don't need to remind you to use them sparingly. We don't tend to stop in many villages in our travels, and that will need to last you at least a week."
"Of course," she replied with a bow of her head.
"There is a village south of here between Kinloch and Lothering called Wenborne where we will replenish our supplies. While there, we can purchase more suitable attire for you if you wish."
Solona frowned. "In other words, less conspicuous attire."
The Warden commander chuckled. "Irving said you were bright. Yes, I think that would be best. Grey Wardens aren't exactly welcome most places. We tend to make people uneasy. An obvious mage in their presence may only add to that disquiet."
"I will do whatever is required of me," she conceded. "Besides, these robes are a requirement of the Circle. Now that I am no longer bound by that life, I think I should prefer to wear more suitable attire."
Alistair couldn't help but wonder what the mage had in mind. Although he had seen women in armor before, he just couldn't imagine Solona sporting scale mail or chain. Perhaps leather? It could work, but he didn't think it would ever suit her. If she survived her Joining, she would be given a set of Grey Warden armor designed specifically for mages. That he could see her in.
She placed her bundle of rations on the ground in front of her and carefully began to untie the twine with delicate fingers. Once unbound, she unfolded the cloth and inspected its contents. After a heavy sigh, she turned to Duncan.
"Commander, may I speak to you?" She scanned the faces of the other men sitting around the fire. "Privately."
"Of course," he replied with a nod.
Solona stood and Duncan led her into the tree line, leaving Alistair to wonder if their conversation was to be about him. Perhaps she was going to ask the commander that she not be stuck with the younger Warden again. He felt a twinge of sadness at that.
You're reading too much into this, Alistair. It's not about you. She probably hasn't even given you a second thought.
Somehow, that didn't make him feel any better. It actually made things worse. Why in the Maker's name did he care so much anyway? A slight smile curled the left corner of his lips as he remembered Solona's laughter, and he immediately knew why. Making her laugh, that was probably the best thing he had ever done in the whole of his miserable existence. His entire world brightened with that sound coupled with the jovial expression on her face. Was it love? He seriously doubted it. After all, they had nothing in common, and she obviously had zero respect for him. It was more to do with the fact that it gave him a sense of accomplishment. He managed to do something he suspected no one else had done in a very long time.
"So, what do you think?" Jory questioned, interrupting Alistair's rumination.
"About what?" the young Warden asked.
"Our newest arrival," the knight explained.
"I think she's a complete and utter bitch," Daveth put in. "Did you see the way she looked at me when Duncan introduced us? Like I was something nasty she had to scrape off the bottom of her boot?"
"She does seem a bit…snobbish," Jory agreed.
Alistair shrugged. "I don't know. She's not that bad."
The thief chuckled. "I think there's a story there. What were the two of you doing out in those woods for so long?" He stood and began making a rude gesture with his hips. "Did you bend her over a stump and give it to her in the ass?"
The former initiate waggled his head, mortified by the insinuation. "No. Of course not."
Daveth retook his seat. "But you want to, don't you?" He jabbed Alistair's side with a bony elbow. "Come on. Admit it. You want to fuck that until you make her squeal like a nug."
"Have some respect, Daveth," Jory chided. "She's a lady and a fellow recruit. You shouldn't talk about her in such a manner."
"Why should I respect her?" the thief questioned. "She didn't show anybody else any. There's only one way to deal with bitches like that. Shove a cock in their asses."
Alistair glared at the taller man. His right hand formed a fist as he prepared to shove it in the thief's face. Solona certainly was a bitch, but Daveth was nothing but a piece of shit thug who needed to be taught some manners. Alistair knew the man would never have the guts to say such things in Solona's presence, and since she wasn't there to defend her honor, Alistair intended to do it for her. Before he got the chance, however, Solona and Duncan had returned.
Solona immediately gathered her things into a bundle and marched toward her tent. As she passed, she glanced in Alistair's direction and he recognized glistening in her lapis eyes. Something in her exchange with the commander had upset her tremendously. He wanted to follow her, find out what was going on, but his cowardice won out in the end.
"See," Daveth said as he chucked a twig into the fire. "I could straighten that out in five minutes."
"Grow up," Alistair hissed as he gave the man a small shove to the shoulder and got up to head to his own tent.
"If you think all it takes is five minutes," he heard Jory proclaim as he walked away. "I feel sorry for any woman who ends up in your bed."
As agitated as the young Warden was, he couldn't help but give a chuckle upon hearing the knight's jab. When Alistair became overly upset, he found it much more difficult to formulate a good comeback. He was just glad someone was able to put the thief in his place. Maybe Jory wasn't so bad after all.
Alistair planned to go straight to his own tent, but couldn't resist stopping outside Solona's shelter. He reached out his hand to tap the canvas to inform her of his presence, but withdrew it at the last second, recalling the expression she wore as she breezed past him earlier. He barely knew the mage, but he had spent enough time with her to realize she wasn't the type of person who wanted anyone to see her in such a vulnerable state. So, instead, he chose to stand there and simply listen.
He knew it was wrong, a complete invasion of her privacy, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. Unsure if it was curiosity or compassion that drove his actions, he strained his ears to discern what was happening inside. He could have sworn he detected the sound of muffled sobbing, but it was so hard to tell over the heated argument that had broken out between Jory and Daveth nearby. Could it be? Was the hardnosed ice princess actually weeping?
A pang of guilt began to gnaw at Alistair's gut. If she realized he was there, she would have been furious. He needed to let her have her cry in peace, away from his prying ears, just the way he knew she would want it. He wished there was something he could do to help her, but she would never tolerate his sympathy. Although it went against his nature, he would leave her be, for now.
His brow furrowed with a forlorn expression as he stepped away from her tent and moved on to his own. After tying the flap shut and getting undressed, Alistair settled down into his bedroll. He placed his hands behind his head and studied the top of the canvas as it rippled against the frigid wind.
Once again, he recalled Solona's laughter, the smile on her face. She had been happy, at least for one single, solitary moment in time. Daveth had been correct in calling her a bitch. She most certainly was, but Alistair got the feeling her terrible attitude was her way of keeping everyone at a distance, to prevent them from seeing who she really was. He understood her. He was guilty of the same thing, but instead of aloofness and malice, he disguised his identity with general goofiness, irresponsibility and humor.
The former initiate closed his eyes, praying that sleep would overtake him soon, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get his mind off Solona. She had treated him terribly, but, at the same time, he had never connected with anyone the way he had her. He would try again tomorrow, and every day afterward to return that smile to her face. Until either the Joining took her or the Calling. But it wasn't love. That much he knew for certain.
Solona could have sworn someone had been standing outside her tent. After thoroughly drying her eyes, she peeked out between the tie flaps but saw nothing other than Alistair disappearing into his own shelter. It surely hadn't been him.
It was just your imagination, Solona.
On the other hand, he had to have noticed that she was on the verge of tears when she passed him on her way to her tent. Maybe he thought to come ask her what was wrong. It's exactly what Jowan would have done.
He's not Jowan, stupid.
Solona missed her best friend. She wondered where he was at that moment. She only hoped his spell and her argument with Greagoir had bought him enough time to get away. The biggest part of her was still angry with him for what he did, for not telling her the truth from the beginning, but the part that loved him…that part of her understood. He was bound for a fate worse than death. If he had told her, she might have shared the punishment the Knight Commander had in store for him. Instead, she was to become a Grey Warden, free of the Circle and all its inane rules. Free of the ever-present guards and limitations. Free of the heartache that lurked around every corner. Free of…
Anders.
Just when Solona thought her eyes completely dry of every tear that could be shed for the night, they began anew. The man she loved more than her own life, yet simultaneously despised, was trapped. She tried. Maker knows she tried to convince Duncan to go back and rescue the man she loved. She explained what a great asset he would be, how the Wardens could benefit from both his knowledge and magical talent, but the commander denied her request. He said he wouldn't chance overusing the Right of Conscription, that it could lead to the Wardens being banished from Ferelden again. Even when she pleaded with him, he refused.
I'm sorry, but the answer is no.
He gave her no chance for rebuttal, no opportunity to try to convince him further. He simply walked away from her. She had pinned all her hopes of rescuing Anders on Duncan, and her faith had been squandered. She returned to her bedroll, lay down, and turned over onto her right side.
You should have known better. Haven't you learned yet that you can't trust anyone?
The mage allowed her tears to flow freely onto the small pillow which felt little better than a rock beneath her head. The pillow. She had left the tower and forgot that damned pillow. After Cullen's visit to her room, it slipped her mind completely.
Cullen. With his soulful brown eyes and his warm smile greeting her every morning. She closed her lids only to see his face, his eyes staring into hers. Her mind recalled the last words he said as she thumbed the tiny sword and flames etched into the amulet nestled between her breasts.
I love you, Solona.
They were words she had wanted to hear for so long, but not from him. She wanted Anders to say those words to her, to mean them. She exhaled a long, uneven breath. Now he never would. There was no chance. No hope. He was gone…forever.
The mage rotated onto her back and gazed up at the line made by the ridge pole. No, she wouldn't accept it. She made a promise, and she intended to keep it or go to the void trying. She would survive this Blight, and when it was over, she would go back to that damned tower and conscript him herself if she had to. Even if she managed to somehow get over him, even if she ever got to the point where she no longer felt love for him, she would rescue Anders.
Solona heard shuffling outside her tent. The others must have finally decided to go to bed.
At least they've stopped arguing.
She had no idea what they had been fighting about earlier. She really didn't care. She only knew they were being overly loud about the whole thing. That must have been why Alistair retired to his tent early. A smile crept across her face. She couldn't help it. She didn't know why, but somehow, in those few hours, the man was beginning to grow on her.
At first, she thought him a complete fool, but there was just something about him. She couldn't quite explain it, but something in those hazel eyes told her there was more to him than he allowed those around him to see. Something deeper, more meaningful.
In a lot of ways, he reminded her of Jowan, goofy and self-deprecating, but less nervous. He showed her kindness, even after she had been so horrid to him. Unlike Cullen, there were no puppy eyes filled with what he perceived as love, no fire of lust the she had seen in the eyes of so many others, just simple unadulterated thoughtfulness and decency.
Solona was unsure what it was she was feeling in regards to the former templar initiate. Perhaps, in time, they could actually become friends. She wouldn't make it easy for him, however. He would have to prove his worthiness with loyalty. She wouldn't settle for less. But it wasn't love. That was something it could never be.