(A/N) Many appreciative thanks to reviewers, you guys rock! I don't know where most of this comes from: it just spews from my fingers when I touch the keyboard…like word vomit.
WARNING! This chapter is contains plot exposition and gratuitous use of the Numa Numa song.
…...
LABYRINTH: A PARODY
THE SEQUEL
CHAPTER FOUR
…...
Dear Diary,
It is five seconds into day one of our expedition to the Evil Green Creepy Swamp and already I fear I may not make it back sane, or even alive. Even now, as I am writing these words, the hideous she-beast is looming over me, snarling, bellowing and spitting. I cannot take much more…should anyone find this journal alongside my carcass, which I have no doubt the she-beast will defile after I am dead- I beg them to send it home to my mother and father, and also send it to that director, Danny Boyle, as he may want to make an emotional, award winning film out of my suffering….and, to my friends I bequeath my set of…..
"What the fuck is this?" Sarah yanked the Hello Kitty diary from Dobby's wrinkly grasp. "OMG!" she mocked, "You keep a diary, what are you TWELVE?"
"My psychiatrist advised me that a journal would help me to get over my trauma," Dobby seethed, "trauma inflicted by YOU, I might add. You fat cow."
Sarah stuck her tongue out at him and tossed the diary over her shoulder, where it hit and killed a fairy named Cornelius who had been on his way to save his sweetheart Thumbelina from marrying the Mole.
"Do you really think I'm fat?" Sarah asked, running her hands over her stunning curves. Unfortunately, as they were handcuffed together, this meant that Dobby got a handful of her bouncing boobies as well.
"URGH!" he yanked his arm back, "retard cooties! And who cares if you're fat?"
"That sexy man cares," Sarah said, referring to Jareth. She didn't know his name because she had no recollection of who he was whatsoever.
"Sexy man?" Dobby furrowed his brow, he had no idea who she meant.
"Anyway," Sarah paused beside the abandoned ticket booth. A sign read 'CLOSED: NEVER TO BE OPENED AGAIN'. Maps and 'History of the Labyrinth' pamphlets were strewn about the floor; crinkled and covered in mud. Spider webs obscured the windows of the booth and the ticket collector had died some years ago. His skeleton glared at them now: the eyes still in place.
A pile of rotting bodies nearby had once been a lively tour group, waiting for the tour bus.
Now they were nothing.
"What happened here?" Sarah gasped, saddened for a reason that she could not explain.
"This is the sequel," Dobby explained, spacing his words out and talking slowly so that she would maybe understand. "In Labyrinth sequels often the Labyrinth itself is a darker place, all hope lost: a place that can only be brought back to life by you…" he crossed his knobbly arms angrily, "beware the dangers within, for the Labyrinth has fallen into disrepair, like Jareth's heart has been a cold, dark, uninhabitable place without you…so is the Labyrinth. Only you and your love can bring us back to life…"
"Are you reading off of cue cards?" Sarah inquired.
Dobby threw the cards at her head. "Look, bitch I'm just doing my job. Someone has to tell you what's what."
"Soooo…" Sarah mulled his words over, "In order to bring this place back to life I have to get that dude's ipod from the Evil Green Creepy Swamp and then sex him up…and possibly eat some cake?"
Dobby glanced wearily at the pile of rubble that had once been a really cheap '24/7 happy hour' bar. In fact, it had been in that bar that he had first met the ridiculous twit now chained like a hideous growth to his arm.
Without warning, he picked up a large rock and hit the bitch over the head.
Twice.
Sarah groaned and moaned in excruciating agony. Her vision exploded into fluorescent dots and a sharp jolt of pain mixed with awareness lanced her brain.
"Myyy brain!" she cried in agony.
"Your WHAT?" Dobby asked, shocked. He hadn't realised there was anything in there, except maybe stale air.
"Wait!" Sarah collapsed to her knees, dragging him down with her. Around them, several copy/pasted moving screens began to rotate, keeping them trapped within a circle of badly done special effects.
Sarah's jaw dropped as she beheld the repressed memories she was being assaulted with:
There was the moment she and the Dooby thing had escaped from the Cleaner.
There was the moment she had wished Toby away.
There was the moment she had gazed for the first time upon Jareth's crotch.
"Figures that would be an important memory for you," Dobby snorted.
There was the moment when Jareth had sung to her in the bubble ballroom.
There was the moment the Dooby had spat in her Pepsi and put a toenail in it.
"HEY!" Sarah smacked him on the head, "YOU JERK!"
Dobby grinned, that had been his finest hour-if he did say so himself.
The memories swirled and swirled until Sarah had recalled EVERYTHING, even her past life in which she had been a princess named Lily who had dated Tom Cruise and hung around with Unicorns and shit.
"Sweet," Sarah said. Then she allowed a sense of awe and wonder to fill her. No wonder she had painted all those men with crystal crotches, she had never truly forgotten her magical coming-of-age adventure! She had only lost it amongst the mature worries and problems of maturity.
"Deanna!" she cried, overcome with love for her now-remembered friend, "You gave me my memories back! How can I repay you? Sexual favours?"
Dobby closed his eyes and sighed, "I can assure you that that was not my intention," he frowned, "I was trying to kill you."
"You're my best friend forever!" Sarah hugged him tight and quickly updated her face book to read: hangin out in da Labirinth wit ma BFF!
Dobby quickly took out his laptop and disliked what she had written.
Then Jareth left a message on her wall: Yo! Sarah, babe, time's a wastin! BTW Diggo, plz pick me up a cheez burger n' fries on ur way home. Supersize.
Dobby rubbed his hands together eagerly. He was going to poison that cheeseburger. He could see it now: Jareth writhing on the floor as Dobby gloated above him:
"How do you like that cheeseburger? I poisoned that cheeseburger! And I spat in your tomato ketchup!"
Then he would kick him a bit, just for good measure.
"OH EXCUSE ME!" Sarah bellowed, "Is your fantasizing more important than finding Jareth's ipod?"
Dobby inquired as to whether Sarah would like a cheeseburger as well?
…...
Jareth gazed out of the window at the land he ruled. Everything was gray: the colour had disappeared the day Sarah had forgotten him. But now, he could see in the far, far, far distance a purple flower blooming.
His loins swelled with hope: she would bring everything back to life! Just like Mary Lennox did in the Secret Garden!
Clicking his fingers like a West Side Story extra, Jareth leapt to his feet and invited some goblins to join him in his impromptu eurotrash musical number. Shaking his ass, he began to sing:
" I sold my strings, my song and dreams
And I bought some paints to match the colours of my love,
Hello, Helloo, It's me again, Jareth
I will spray my words of love with your name on every wall...
"When you leave my colours fade to gray,
Ooh a Ooh ah ay, Ooh ah Ooh a Ooh ah ay,
Every word of love I use to say,
Now I paint them everyday,
When you leave my colours fade to gray,Hey little lover stay,
or all my colours fade away,
Every word of love I use to say,
Now I paint them everyday..."
It was epic.
…...
To be continued..